Sensitive thugs, y’all need hugs.

Professional athletes should be commended for not running to rehab like politicians or actors when they get caught acting a fool. The offender’s team or agent writes an apology that the player couldn’t have written and everyone moves on besides the victim(s). Just ask Leonard Little and Chris Henry who made a “complete 360″. Someone should have explained this to French rugby player Mathieu Bastareaud before he checked himself into Le Looney Bin.

Bastareaud claimed that he was jumped and punched by five men while returning to his hotel after France played New Zealand in a test match last week. Not quite. You see what had really happened was he hit his head on a table after drinking too much. Want to try that again? It turns out he was acting a fool and one of his teammates settled him down by laying him out.

“Drunk and aggressive, Bastareaud was reportedly calmed down by a fist from one of his teammates,” the daily Le Parisien reported.

Bastareaud admittted lying about the incident. He thought he could cover up the truth but that didn’t work out so well. Instead of ending the situation with an apology and cover up from French rugby officials, he decided to check himself into a mental hospital for two weeks after suffering “serious psychological problems”. Stade Francais president Max Guazzini said the media pressure became too much for the player to take.

Maybe we’re being too hard on the kid. He is the cousin of Arsenal and France defender William Gallas who everyone agrees is batshit crazy. It’s not his fault. It’s in the blood.

Sure, it is not sports related but you should watch this. Well, you shouldnt watch if you’re easily offended and in any way a religious person but if you aren’t easily offended, then enjoy this wonderful re-cut of Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ movie trailer…the Passion of Zombie Jesus!!

Who doesn’t enjoy a little sacrilege with their morning cup o’ joe?

In the beginning there were roller-skates, and they were good. Then came roller-blades, and they were good. Now, there are Chariot Skates…and they are fucking awesome.

These skates use extra large wheels to cross the line between a skating and cycling experience…and I can’t even explain it properly at all. I have no clue how these things work, but they are fantastic. Check their website out right here and check out the skates in action below.

From Chariot Skates

Former WWE superstar Ultimate Warrior delivered a fine eulogy to Michael Jackson on Friday and I just thought you, our good readers, would love to hear what he had to say. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Jacko. Finally, he beat it.

I imagine all the crying about the death of this recent drug-soused entertainment freak has most to do with the unfortunate inconvenience that the other drug-soused entertainment freaks now face. They will have to look for another local, safe and reputable babysitter. No longer will they be able to drop their kids off down the street at Jacko’s to be watched for the afternoon and spend some play time with his own kids.

I hate the paparazzi, and think they should all be shot for the obsessive invasion of privacy. But I’m really going miss ALL those TMZ and Entertainment Tonight video clips of Jacko’s and other celebrity kids playing together. You ever see any of those? Weren’t they great? Didn’t they make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside? Worked for me. Every time I caught one it made me believe maybe he wasn’t a pedophile. After all, famous and rich entertainers, with all kinds of money to go to any expense to have things accurately checked out for themselves, wouldn’t let their own little babies near a pedophile…would they?!

Well, you gotta give him credit for one thing. He spent all his money (and then some) before he died. And that’s not an easy thing to calculate. Go ahead, ask your financial planner if he has a plan to pull it off. For all the horrific mismanagement of millions and millions and millions of dollars, here at the end, Jacko did a pretty damn good job at balancing the books in his favor. Sorry, at my new age and with the way the Obama economic plan is going, I couldn’t help but recognize this stunner.

Your Founding Father of Intense Sarcasm…

Always Believe, Warrior

Sensitive guy huh? Was that too soon?

From Warrior’s Machete

I’m not generally much for the soccer or futbol or football or footy or whatever you wanna call it. I usually leave that up to Mustafa to cover up here on the Deuce. A funny thing did happen while watching USA actually compete and ultimately lose to Brazil 3-2 in the championship game of the Confederation Cup however…I watched.

And i didnt just watch when we got into the 2nd round and beyond, I actually watched us lose the first couple games. Not sure why either. Maybe i was just bored, working from home and in desperate need of something interesting on the television. Well, i did indeed find interesting television, great drama even, and it made me keep watching, even when USA was losing. I watched and for the first time saw what the rest of the world sees when it watches soccer…that it is actually a pretty enjoyable sport to watch.

No offense to the MLS, but, it just isnt as interesting. The players arent as good, plain and simple. Brazil and Spain were all-star teams, USA as well to a much lesser degree, but they competed and showed that USA soccer might just be beginning to turn a curve in international soccer. USA can now show up with the best of the world and, at the very least, compete for 90 minutes…and sometimes even win.

This is what USA Soccer needs to do if it wants people like me, the non soccer fan, to watch their games. I didnt grow up playing soccer, it wasn’t on tv when I was a kid, we had crappy indoor scocer as our local “pro” teams that came and left quicker than swine flu, so it has taken me quite a bit to warm up to thinking that soccer is a real sport that I would think about watching. 2 things were needed for me to really care about the game: 1) Have a team to care about; and 2) have that team be interesting to watch.

Sure, I could watch the DC United play, they would be my local team by default, but the quality of play in the MLS is so much lesser than, say, the Premiership, that it’s like watching the XFL…and we all remember how much that stunk. I could watch Premiership soccer like Mustafa, but I’ve never been to England and could give 2 shits about what is going on in that country’s soccer leagues. In reality, I just want to watch good, American soccer, because I am a gigantic homer. Now, I actually can…sorta…at least in international play. I cannot wait until the World Cup games.

So, congratulations to the USA Soccer team. They did more than just not embarrass themselves and they bought themselves many new fans of soccer. Its ok that they didn’t win, they were interesting. They competed and they did so with energy and passion. For that, I thank them. They were a joy to watch.

(AP Photo/Martin Meissner)

The dark horses: Jevan Snead (QB, Ole Miss), Zac Robinson (QB, Okla. State), Evan Royster (RB, Penn State), Jonathan Dwyer (RB, Ga. Tech).

If you are wondering why I did not pick any wide receivers, it’s because wide receivers just don’t win the Heisman. The last to do so was Desmond Howard in 1991. Look at the receiving core last year, none of them even came close. Eight out of the last ten Heismans went to QBs and the way the trend is going, that’s not going to change. SO DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY. DO NOT PLACE ANY FUTURE ACTION ON ANY WIDE RECEIVER!!!!!

Next Up–The Matador will announce his Conference Championship predictions. First up, the SEC.

Nothing more need be said

Someone needs to tell the Miami Dolphins they’re doing it wrong. Majority owner Stephen Ross should probably spend less time worrying about the halftime entertainment. He named the stadium after Jimmy Buffett’s Land Shark beer and now Gloria Estefan and her husband Emilio are coming aboard as minority owners. Why they gotta get all racialist? Why can’t they just be owners? Damn that’s messed up.

Both parties refuse to confirm the rumor but a major announcement will be made at LandShark Stadium this Thursday. Ross and the Estefans will be in attendance. Gloria was in Nashville on Monday recording a new version of “Are You Ready For Some Football” with Hank Williams Jr. to be used this season on Monday Night Football.

Why stop with Jimmy Buffett and the Estefans? Think of the possibilities. Gloria likes to count to four and so does Pitbull. He’ll keep the rowdy fan(s) in check (1:05). Spaulding would want a little something for the negroes too.** Bring Trick Daddy and Uncle Luke on board. They’ve worked together (NSFW language) in the past. Trick’s a regular guest on Dan LeBatard’s local radio show and Luke runs Miami Hurricane football so they both have professional sports cred. Throw in Flo-Rida and oh hot damn, the Dolphins have themselves one hell of an owners group. It’s not going to be Bill Parcells’ jam when he has to hit Flo-Rida up for money to buy another mediocre receiver. “Fine. I can do that, playa. But first put on these Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur. I wanna see them moobs bounce! Hit the floor! Shawty, get low low low low! Now throw them hands up in the ayer! Ayer!” A tear will run down Parcells’ cheek like that Indian on the side of the road. It’s funny because it could happen.

**That’s a reference to a line in Caddyshack so don’t start. Talk to Spaulding, Judge Smails or someone else who doesn’t care that you didn’t get it.

I dunno how many attempts this kid had at this shot, but the fact this kid made even one of them is one hell of a mind fuck. The chances he’ll do anything this fantastic ever again in his life are about nil. The purpose of the picture above? None…except that it is awesome.