Is Andrew Bynum the love child of Doug E. Fresh and Usher? Oh his rehab is going well in case you were wondering.

Who knew being raped by a wombat made one speak like an Australian? Arthur Craddock of New Zealand called the police and claimed he was being raped by a wombat only to call back and tell him that the wombat ceased and desisted. 

The story of Dontrelle Willis’ fall from being Rookie of the Year to his current state is not that funny in spite of the catchy post title. The Tigers asked MLB for permission to remove Willis from their active roster and place him on the DL after he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

Willis sat at his locker Sunday morning and calmly answered questions from reporters for about 15 minutes. He said he wants to “live and play baseball” and seemed upbeat about his chances for a recovery.

“This is not something where I’m too amped up, I don’t know where I’m at, and I’m running sprints up and down the parking lot. They (the doctors) see something in my blood that they don’t like. I’m not crazy. My teammates might think I’m crazy. But this is not something like that.”

There’s a saying that trouble follows some people. People wouldn’t say that as much if they met Tsumoto Yamaguchi. He survived Hiroshima and Nagasaki. What you got? That’s right. You got nuthin. 

Now that’s how you supposed to fight! From now on, that’s how you fight! That goes for everyone except Alex Burrows.

The line brawl between the Canucks and Blackhawks on Sunday night had a little bit of everything. Cheap shots, straight lefts, body slams and hair pulling. The Canucks’ Alex Burrows decided he didn’t want any of what the Hawks’ Duncan Keith was giving so he decided to man up, grab Keith’s hair and hold on for dear life. Witness his shame as well as some quality brawlin’.

Keith said, “My little sister never even pulled my hair when I was a kid. It’s kind of comical when you have a grown man trying to pull your hair on the ice.” No. This is comical on the ice. Freedom hater.

Forward Adam Burish was offended that someone would mess with Keith’s haircut. Especially a nice haircut like Duncan has. “I think that’s stupid the way he was pulling [Keith's] hair. Especially a nice haircut like Duncan has.”

Good on Ben Eager for keeping hockey fighting respectable and teaching the kids that there’s a right way to beat that ass. He worked Kevin Bieksa’s ass like a rented mule. Burrows should be ashamed. Hair pulling just embarrasses us all.

Hair-raising time for Blackhawks’ Keith [Chicago Tribune]

Houston Texan’s backup running back Ryan Moats was pulled over by a police officer while speeding to his dying mother-in-law March 17th but because of the actions of that officer, Moats was unable to be by her side when she passed.

Moats was speeding towards the hospital with his wife in tow and at one point even threw his flashers on driving through a red light in an effort to make it to the hospital in time to say his final farewells and that is when he caught the attention of one Dallas police officer who finally pulled him over in the hospital parking lot. Moats’ wife ran into the hospital, disregarding the officer, while Moats himself was pleading to the cop to let him go to his dying mother in law, all while being ignored. He never got to see her before she died.

You should watch the video of the event here on Dallasnews.com, its pretty amazing that the cop didn’t bother to listen to anything that Moats was saying.

At this point, the Dallas police have dropped the ticket that was issued to Moats and apologized, but there is an investigation of the officer pending. Lets hope the guy gets into this situation with one of his own dying relatives. Then maybe he’ll understand that a little sympathy goes a long way with dealing with the people he is sworn to protect and serve…emphasis on serve.

Assistant Police Chief Floyd Simpson said it the best

“When people are in distress, we should come to the rescue,” said Simpson. “We shouldn’t further their distress.”

Via Dallas News.com

I don’t think its grammatically correct, but I guess Buffalo fans can get a pass on that due to their enthusiasm for actually making a bold move in the offseason. It ain’t pretty, but it does the job.

Via WGRZ

Shawn Johnson’s got a stalker and he was arrested near the set of Dancing With the Stars, where Johnson is dancing out the last 3 minutes of her 15 minutes of fame. Robert “Pedobear” O’Ryan, the alleged stalker, jumped a fence at the studios and was arrested while trying to meet the object of his obsession. Police found in his car a shotgun and Colt .45 and a bunch of Johnson memorabilia, which, presumably, did not include any of her underwear.

Shawn Johnson is safe, but probably a bit freaked out, and her mom Terri says:

“This incident has caused us severe emotional distress, we have been on the move ever since and have not been able to rest at all for fear that this disturbed person will attempt to make good on his statements and attempt to harm my daughter and possibly us as well,”

I’d say she’s been on the move, lots of moves on that Dancing With the Stars show. Although, since I never watch it so I have no clue how she’s doing on it. She could move like a Wookie in a tar pit for all I know.

Bail for O’Ryan was set at $35,000 and a restraining order is in place for him to stay 100 yards away from Johnson and have zero contact with her. Yea…that’l do it. Just tell him not to stalk her. I’m sure no one has done that before. She’ll be totally safe now. Just remember kids, nothing can stop the Pedobear.

Via People.com

He’s Baaaaaack! Well, almost. Isiah Thomas has been talking to the LA Clippers for a possible management role to assist GM/Coach Mike Dunleavy so says ESPN.com. Assist him in doing what, I wonder? Assist in trading away all the talent they have and accumulating a ton of overpaid power forwards maybe?

I’m not sure there can be a greater collection of suckage than if the LA Clippers and Isiah Thomas join forces. The team should just go ahead and change their name to the Los Angeles Black Holes since the only thing black holes do is suck. This would be the suckiest sucking black hole that ever sucked.

If this happens, the only thing that can make this team suck even more is if Michael Jordan buys on as a co-owner and they figure out that no one has signed Penny Hardaway, Alonzo Mourning, or Robert Horry, signing them on for one last Space Cowboys like run at glory.

Personally, I think it has to happen. It makes too much sense. Hear me out. Of all stupid and incomprehensable moves that Donald Sterling has ever made as an owner, this one makes the most sense in its brainlessness. How? Well, of all the stupid moves that Sterling could make, this is the stupidest, which means its the most likely stupid move he could do, which means it makes the most sense that this deal gets done. Its almost like it was a foregone conclusion that Isiah would eventually end up in LA. It is truly a match made in heaven…and it must happen.

Italian football has everything from Serie C players servicing Serie A players to massive match-fixing scandals. It’s the wild west of the big time. This latest story doesn’t rank up there with the most shocking. It’s more a WTF than anything else. Let’s meet Andrea Vasa.

Vasa, a defender for local Milan side Brera, has a new home. No big deal except he’s living in the front window of fashion designer Dirk Bikkemberg’s new “mega-boutique”. A free luxury pad for a player who toils six leagues below Serie A sounds too good to be true. Tom would say, “It’s a deal, it’s a steal, it’s the sale of the fucking century! Actually, Andrea, fuck it. I’ll keep it myself.”

There’s a big catch. Customers are allowed to call on Vasa at any time the store is open. They can go through his storage spaces which are filled with Bikkemberg products. He can’t decide who comes and goes no matter what he’s doing. Bikkemberg isn’t without empathy. He covered the shower with copies of Gazzetta dello Sport which is the sports newspaper of record in Italy.

Bikkemberg says Vasa will allow customers to “identify with a sporting personality”. That’s like saying customers in a store would be attracted by the opportunity to hang out with a semi-pro football player. I suppose now’s a good time to announce that I’m moving into the Conway across from Penn Station on 34th next week. Come identify with a semi-prominent sports blogger from open to close and buy some clothing that will probably bleed or come apart before you get home.