I CAN HAZ MALE SEX ORGANZ?

My name is Bud Selig and just in case you weren't aware, I am not a man. I am, in fact, a spineless, dickless fuckbag.

Yeah, I know the forecast was for rain until tomorrow afternoon. Yeah, I know the field went from muddy to completely, stupidly, dangerously unplayable between the fifth and sixth innings. Yeah, I know the game should have been called after the fifth inning. I don't care. Why? Because I'm a spineless, dickless fuckbag.

I know the Phillies don't want to win a World Series that way. I know the Rays sure don't want to lose one that way. But you know what I'm sure they DO want? I am goddamn sure all the way down to my gaping, dripping vagina that Charlie Manuel and Joe Maddon want to go out there in 40 degree weather and 20MPH winds and play in an infield that is fucking underwater for Chrissakes and risk their players getting hurt or getting sick. I am 100% sure they'd rather do that. It's one of those things you just know deep in your spineless, dickless fuckbag bones.

I mean, if you were in my position and you had this choice, you're telling me you wouldn't wait until the conditions got so bad that you couldn't actually play baseball and let the Rays tie it up before you called the game? What, do you have a cock or something? Jesus Christ in a handcart, Cole Hamels had only thrown 67 pitches and given up one run in 6 innings! I couldn't let that shit stand. And did you see that double play from Utley? Come on. The way their defense was going there was no WAY the Phillies fucked this one up. Even a spineless, dickless fuckbag like me could see that.

No, no, it's far better to wipe out Hamels' great pitching effort and wait until the Rays used the hideously unfair conditions to tie the game, and then not give the Phillies the same opportunity to abuse the unplayable field and my lack of any discernible guts or integrity or male genitalia. I mean, what am I supposed to do? It's not my fault if the "rain delay" lasts 19 hours. Yeah, I had the Weather Channel and CNN and Fox News and the National Weather Service and local news radio and the 143,000,000 websites that provide hour-by-hour forecasts telling there was no possible way in this or any other parallel universe that we could finish this game tonight, but 1-day weather forecasts are wrong, like, 4% of the time. I'm just a simple spineless, dickless fuckbag trying to incompetently run a thoroughly corrupt sports league.

Am I bitter about the Phillies beating the Brewers? What? How can you even ask me that? No. Of course not. What a silly question. Now can someone line up all the Phillies fans who've been waiting 28 years for a World Series? I want to make sure I strap on my 14" curare-spike stainless steel dildo and fuck every one of them in the ass before I go back to my hotel room.

Amare Stoudemire Has Dance Moves

Amare Stoudamire appeared on the children's show Yo Gabba Gabba a few weeks ago to show off a few of his dance moves and I finally just got around to watching the video of it. Lets just say, I do not see Dancing With The Stars in the future for the big guy. There's many things that could make this clip better, but I think we all agree that it needs more Biz Markie. Now, if only I could get Amare's song out of my head...

No Justice, No Peace In Australia Either

Very cool and interesting BBC article about the "other guy" on the podium with John Carlos and Tommie Smith at the '68 Olympics in Mexico City. His name was Peter Norman and he was an Australian. He didn't throw a fist in the air but he stood with them in protest and also paid a heavy price back home. When he died in 2006, Carlos and Smith traveled to Melbourne to act as pallbearers at his funeral. Read on and learn.

BBC News

Panic On The Streets Of Calgary, Panic On The Streets Of Saskatchewan

Who knew the CFL was so gangsta? The CFL is best known to us south of the border as being the home of Warren Moon and Doug Flutie for years in addition to being the place for wack touchdown celebrations. Don't sleep on CFL fans. Don't let anyone tell you they don't mean business when they throw down.

A fan at a Calgary Stampeders-Saskatchewan Rough Riders game caught a struggle between a drunken fan and a police officer on tape. A fan went for what might have been an officer's gun while he was busy subduing another fan. The cop went after the other fan and they ended up taking a dive down the stands.



Who knows if the fan was going for a gun, taser or whistle? You ask where the backup was while the cop was taking on the section by himself. They were too busy with their own battles.

Police said only one officer was called to the scene because the 35 other officers at the stadium were dealing with other incidents.

Daroux said in one of the incidents, a spectator was assaulted by another fan so badly, his head injuries were at first considered life-threatening. In another, a fan approached an officer with brass knuckles.

This kind of behavior is more suited to Oakland where marauding gangs roam the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum in spiked shoulder pads and MC Hammer parachute pants attacking people in Port-A-Pots while screaming in tongues like E-40.

Laugh at the CFL if you will. At least they have cool team names like the Rough Riders which could be a brand of condom or how some bar troll got down after you picked her up at last call on Saturday. We have the Magic, the Heat and now the Thunder. The Dolphins? Dolphins are a bunch of bitches like Smith Barney. What do they do except make annoying noises and bounce balls on their noses? No wonder the Navy uses them for bomb bait and the Japanese work them like baby seals.

Allan Houston is going to make the Knicks final roster and first round draft pick Danilo Gallinari is going to start in the D-League? It's business as usual at the Garden. Excellent...

Taxes? I Don't Owe No Stinkin' Taxes

If it's not one thing, it's another with Diego Maradona. He can't manage to stay out of trouble. He's either got a Tony Montana-sized coke habit, hepatitis or he's growing as fat as he is tall. Now he's in tax trouble with the Italian authorities. Of course that means he has nothing to worry about since no one pays taxes over there.

The Italian Tax Association claims that Maradona owes almost $48 million dollars in back taxes from 17 years ago when he played for Napoli in Serie A. $29.8 million of that is interest.

"The Italian tax office has not managed to obtain from Maradona more than 0.11 per cent of what he owes the public treasury (which is) 36 million euros. It's deflating," he said.

What the hell is the Italian Tax Association? Is it similar to the Benevolent Gentleman's Club? I think we all know what I'm referring to when I speak of such groups. Is it an actual government agency or is it merely an "interested" party?

Maradona has only paid back about $56,000 and two "luxury watches" according to the association. Since when can you pay your taxes with goods? I would expect that in the Central African Republic or Tajikistan. That's a bit much even for Italy. If that's allowed, I'm moving my business there yesterday. I'm going to owe a shitload this coming year after making all kinds of bank selling ivory to the Chinese and $1,000,000 "endangered turduckens" to Russian and Middle Eastern billionaires. Why are they called endangered and what makes them so special? It's a snow owl stuffed into a bald eagle which is then stuffed into a condor. Mmm sacrilicious.

"Man, move over and let me pass 'fore they have be to pullin' these Hush Puppies out your muthafuckin' ass!" If there's a heaven for pimps, you can be sure Dolemite's there messin' with Queen Bee.

Bernard Hopkins Will Get Nothing And Like It

Get out of my face! I don't need no has-beens in my corner. And you better wipe that look off your face before I knock it off. You wanna jump, JUMP! Come on! Come on, 'Nard! Come on!

Bernard Hopkins' win over the previous undefeated Kelly Pavlik could set up a rematch with the white boy who beat him after he said he'd "never get beat by a white boy".** Too bad the white boy wants none of what Bernard Hopkins got.

"He is thinking of the money," said [Joe] Calzaghe when told Hopkins was prepared to face him on British soil. "At the end of the day, I didn't fight my best and he lost and I did that in Las Vegas. What chance has he got over here?

"That fight is not getting me excited. I won the first fight and it wasn't a great fight to watch.

..."It would probably be more boring. I've beaten him and I wouldn't want to go over old ground."

It wasn't a great fight to watch and Hopkins was disgraceful. He tried to trick the ref by stalling and feigning injuries from phantom low blows. Calzaghe beat him fair and square despite his protests.

Comments like Calzaghe's will drive Hopkins crazy. He can never leave well enough alone. You can be sure he's going to lash out at some point. Don't believe me? Ask Hot 97's Angie Martinez. He'll probably try to call out Calzaghe by insulting the Welsh the same way he insulted Puerto Ricans. If you're not in the New York area, you probably missed the Strong Capricorn's interview on Hot 97 last week. Listen as he talks politics and makes enemies of a whole island.



Just remember it don't matter who at the "hem", it's the Puerto Ricans fault he got all racialist and "beat their legend". Anyway, they our little brother so he don't see what the problem is. Me fail English? That's unpossible!


** By referencing Hopkins' comments about Calzaghe being a white boy, we're probably going to piss off one John Shellabarger again. After giving Calzaghe his props in April, this sister fucking yokel decided to send us some hate mail.

BERNARD HOPKINS GOT BEAT BY A WHITE MAN

You don't like being called boy do you nigger? Call it like it is and say that Calzaghe is a man. If you don't then you are just saying that your guy Hopkins got beat by a boy, a child. How does Hopkins feel about being beaten by a child?

Fuck you Nigger

We have to give him his props for calling us "Mr. Davenport" and journalists in subsequent emails. How do you feel about being called boy and nigger, white people of the Deuce? Let John Boy know how you feel. You can reach him at rovcheck@cox.net.

I think Spike Lee would agree that brown soldiers need love especially when their balls is all blowed up. Are you listening, Phil Savage? Maybe the VA should get involved.

Smith Barney? A Bunch Of Bitches

Has it really come to this? Are we about to see the Hieroglyphics hedge fund? Diplomats debt obligations? The economy has gotten so bad that people can't rely on Wall Street to level with them. People are turning to alternative sources of information in a panic. Some people like Sarah Palin trust their witch doctors. Others turn to rappers.

There was some rapper summit in Atlanta where people marinated and waxed poetic on the subject of real estate. It's not clear why this is news. Cypress Hill has been talking about the real estate since the 90s. Attendees got to hear Russell Simmons, Ludacris and Young Jeezy (?) discuss the importance of home ownership and keeping your ends right.

If Big Daddy Kane is telling me "romance without finance is a damn nuisance", I'll listen. However it'll be a cold day in hell before I recognize Missoura or I ask a rapper how to "diversify my bonds". If you doubt me, check Aaliyah Mitchell.

One of those who attended, Aaliyah Mitchell, 24, said, "I'm certainly going to benefit from this."

Mitchell, a former student at Clark Atlanta who now attends a tech school, added, "With stars like Russell Simmons and Ludacris speaking to us, who don't understand about purchasing a home, I think we'll have more understanding now."

I can't wait to see what Lil Wayne, Master P and MC Hammer have to say on the matter. "You see what you need to be comprehendin' is that the next big thang is grillz and platinum tanks, nucka." Yes, Percy. Yes indeed. Luda may talk about real estate at forums but he's keeping his real goldmine under wraps. Different hoes in different area codes. Now that's diversification.

If I have to go to rappers for financial advice, there's only one place I'm going:

What's Plaxico Burress doing? Whatever the fuck he wants to.

Larry Johnson Is Free To Keep His Pimp Hand Strong

Larry Johnson popping cork (presumably in a woman's face)

Where to start with LJ. This post was going to be all about the reasons for his suspension yesterday but we can hardly keep up with his woman abusing ways. Let's deal with the suspension then get to his latest incident. Maybe we'll also discuss how I forgot to bench LJ in my fantasy league this week.

The Kansas City Star reported that LJ was suspended for continually showing up late and missing team meetings. It had nothing to do with the February incident where he pushed a woman down in da club. Apparently beating down women doesn't warrant a suspension in Herm Edwards book but don't you show up late for one of his meetings. How else will you will learn how to blow a game?

Several outlets are reporting that LJ was involved in another nightclub incident over the Chiefs' bye week with another woman. Mike Florio says sources claim that he spit on the woman. Maybe he should get some credit for restraint since he didn't use his hands.

All reports say that the NFL will suspend Johnson. The only question is how long. Maybe Carl Peterson figured he could take the Jerry Jones approach by pretending there was nothing to see. Fail. Don't they realize that he'll have even more time to cruise the clubs and find new ways to abuse women? There is an upside to his pending suspension. Fantasy owners including myself will be spared the agony and stress of not knowing which LJ is going to show up week to week. How can he go 22, 121, 198 then 2? That's bullshit.

Where In The World Is Pacman Jones?

Where In The World is Carmen Sandiego used to be one of my favorite computer games when I was a kid. I used to play the fuck out of that game. A kids show based on the game was created years later but I had no time for that. However I would have time for an updated version based on Pacman Jones. Is he at the strip club?

"Damn! Look at them titties!!"

"You’re getting warmer!"

Is he at the Hooters? Is he feeding the children? Is he in the hotel bathroom?

I'm not kidding. Where is Pacman? If you know, please let the Cowboys know because they can't find him. Pro Football Talk reports that the team has been unable to reach Pacman and no one seems to know where he is or what he's doing.

Pacman's not around and he's still causing trouble for people. WFAA in Dallas brings news that there could be fallout from the police report which was thought not to exist but now seems to be missing key details from last Tuesday night's follies.

Jerry Jones might want to check Pacman's car to see if he's crying inside. I mean I'm sure he's crying inside because he's a sensitive thug but he could also be literally shedding tears as well. An officer observed Pacman "getting upset as he cried" while sitting in a car following the fight. It also appears that the police were there before the incident started, not after as indicated in the initial report.

This should end well for all parties involved. Like Chris Henry, no one could have seen this coming.

Terry Bowden says Tommy Bowden had it coming.

Everyone in Michigan thinks Rich Rodriguez has it coming. The Les Miles Countdown Clock is a nice touch.

Duff McKagan Drops Some Sports Knowledge Like Girls Be Droppin' Babies

Former Guns N' Roses bassist Duff McKagan has a weekly column in the Seattle Reader. In this week's column, McKagan lets us know how he really feels on all things Seattle sports.

On the Sonics move to OKC: "I’m sorry, that move was utter bullshit. If anyone reading thinks that Seattle didn’t need the Sonics because of ticket costs or new arena bond issues, they should maybe go ask Seattle-area hotels and restaurants what THEY think."

On the Mariners: "The Mariners’ ownership is based in another country and can’t really be bothered with anything other than the bottom line."

McKagan also has an interesting tidbit about Tony LaRussa.

"I ran into Tony LaRussa at one of my gigs last spring and he was dismayed that the Mariners had passed him over a few months earlier.
“They passed you over?!” I exclaimed.
"Yeah, it’s too bad, I would have loved the gig."
Tony LaRussa had just won a World Series with the Cardinals! We need some good management, and I hope they do the right thing this off-season. If not, I suggest we all boycott. Shit, Sweet Lou left because management wasn’t allowing him to do his thing as he saw fit.

On the Huskies: "...the Huskies football squad looks like a junior college squad"

Don't even get him started on the Seahawks. What's Duff's solution to Seattle's sports woes? Let sports radio personalities take over the teams for a week and in the meantime, abandon ship.

So I have started to root for other teams. I like the Brett Favre story, so I will pull for the Jets. They are winning and that is fun. The Red Sox have been my backup MLB team since the Bill Buckner era (hey, that dude was a solid player). College football? How about Toledo—my wife is from there, so why not? The NBA? I have soured on the NBA and refuse to watch. On second thought, Ray Allen is with the Celtics, and he gave his all for the Sonics.

It's that kind of attitude that makes Velvet Revolver suck as much as it does. Did he mentally abandon ship when he realized that they had no business sucking considering the makeup of the group?

Tony LaRussa would have considered leaving the Cards for the Mariners if he had been offered the job? He was passed over for the job? Who knew Mike Holmgren was also GM of the Mariners?

I Have No Idea What Is Happening Here

It looks like I picked the wrong time to quit sniffing glue. This video is one of reasons why I love the internet. This guy has, for the past 2 years, been making NFL picks with the assistance of 2 puppets, a live cat, a horrible impersonation of someone (this week its Michael Caine for some reason) and a tangentially related slideshow going on behind him. It is one of the most surreal things I have ever seen, but at 4am in the morning...i'm considering taking his advice...although his lines are off. Washington is -7.5 right now and Green Bay is +1.5 in case you were interested in that sorta thing. I do think that because no one else is giving this guy any exposure at all, and he's been doing it for 2 years now, I might have to stick this insane crap on the site every week so the stoner contingent can get a good chuckle. Smoke up boys and girls.

Chris Chelios Won't Let Defcupgate Die

Good thing Chris Chelios wasn't around when Joe Elliott of Def Leppard put the Stanley Cup upside down. Elliott would have "got dealt with" Bart Scott style.

Chelios is convinced that Elliott knew what he was doing when he placed the cup upside down. He told JJ & Lynne of WCZX in Detroit, "Someone should have drove that guy, he did that on purpose."

J.J.: "You think he did it on purpose?"

"No, we know he did ... we talked to people at the show and the guy was being real rude to everybody," Chelios said. "He was in a bad mood when they got there, so for whatever reason he didn't want to be there. And that's his way of showing it and taking it out on the NHL. ...

Lynne: "Do you think [Kyle] Quincey would have really popped him?"

"No I don't know if he would have popped him, but he could have gave him a good shove," Cheli said.

The old man is taking this a little too personal. He's probably trying to pump up his team and get the crowd going. Someone should tell him it's probably not worth his time if he's not on the ice. I didn't listen to the interview but I'm pretty sure that he also called out Dokken for insulting his mother and Mr. Big for wanting to be with him even though he's "not like that".

Forrest Griffin gives a quality interview.

Roy Williams was so happy to get out of Detroit, he went out and partied like a rock star.

Dick Butkus Doesn't Like The Cut of Pacman's Jib

Don't make this old man angry...you won't like him when he's angry!

WTF Was That Last Night?

I've got no horse in the MLB playoffs right now, my team lost 102 games this season, so I, the impartial viewer, just have this to say about last night...what the f$@!k was that? How does a team up 7-0 blow a lead like that? The Tampa Bay Rays might have a hard time recovering from a choke job of that kind of proportions. A 3-1 series lead, just 3 innings to the world series, and a 7-0 lead turns to a 3-2 series lead and all the momentum flowing the Red Sox way. After the numerous beat downs Tampa had put on the Sox, I thought this game was a mere formality, but now, this series just got interesting!

Rosario Central President Will Kill To Stay Up

Rosario Central President Horacio Usandizaga tells team supporters that he'll kill the team if they get relegated.

"Central are going to get out of this situation," he said. "We are going to move forward. We are going to kill the players, coaching staff and anyone else."

Now that's a leader. This should go over well with the players.

Eric Godard Uses Riley Cote's Head As A Speed Bag

Here's some quality fight action from last night when the Flyers visited the Penguins for a friendly game of hockey.

Eddie McGee Is A Maniac On The Floor

Eddie McGee's just a small town QB on a Saturday night, lookin' for the fight of his life. In the real-time world no one sees him at all, they all say he's crazy. They just don't understand the life of a Fighting Illini QB. Just ask Jeff George.

McGee, a backup QB at Illinois, was arrested on Saturday for knocking a woman down at a homecoming dance. The altercation started when a fight broke out at the dance. Someone poked McGee in the eye so he lashed out and pushed the woman in question. When she pushed him back, he laid her out.

It appears McGee will be able to avoid charges by going through a diversion program. He should consider forming a support group with Larry Johnson and Plaxico Burress.

Colleges still have homecoming dances? Was it a sock hop? Did they go out for banana splits after the dance? McGee must have looked great in his Ritchie Cunningham cardigan with the I on the chest.

Antawn Jamison And Oleksiy Pecherov Argue Over Russian Sandwiches

Antawn Jamison hate him some Russian samiches. Oleksiy Pecherov isn't having it.



Etan Thomas should write a poem about the glory of Russian sandwiches and just squash this beef with eloquence. It's good to know that Jamison has been to Yugoslavia. Rumor has it that his next foreign trip will be to Rhodesia or French Indochina.

God Blessed Brandon Lloyd Like A Hut 2?

Aw shucks. Bears receiver Brandon Lloyd has no problem admitting that sensitive thugs need hugs too. Apparently "they don't love him like you do when they hug him".

B. Lloyd is "throwing pies in hater's faces" and spitting game at the ladies on his new single "She All Mine" which features Bobby Valentino.



Unlike other athletes-cum-rappers, B. Lloyd is all about being the sensitive playa while keeping his game tight like a virgin if you will.

"'She All Mine' is about a man who feels that his relationship with his lady is about more than the lovemaking." Lloyd said in a statement. "I knew Bobby Valentino's voice would be a perfect fit for the song and he blessed me by being willing to grace the song of an up-and-coming artist. Not everyone is willing to do that."

R. Kelly took time out from pissing on a schoolgirl to laugh at B. Lloyd's silly notions about love. I guess that makes him better than Musiq Soulchild who seems to think he can get the girl by going into the friend zone. Great strategery.

His album Masters of Ceremony, which is complete according to his website, will be out in February of next year. You can pick up the single on iTunes. You know George Michael loves him some B. Lloyd and probably picked the new hotness the day it was released.

I don't know if this measures up to Dana Barros, Cedric Ceballos and Sadat X. Who knows if he ranks with Shaq, Prime Time or Tony P? He seems to think so. Wrappin' up your dome like Osama as one does.




Via Black Voices

Def Leppard Uses The Steve Urkel Defense

Def Leppard's Joe Elliott is blaming the NHL for putting the Stanley Cup upside down.

"...Someone at the NHL should have known better and informed me first instead of keeping the Stanley Cup under lock and key until the last minute. The practice run the day before with a coffeemaker went swimmingly because it, like every other sporting cup I've ever seen, was wider at the top than the base. Ironic isn't it that after that night's gig, a NHL insider told me that long ago the Stanley Cup was also designed to be put down that way!!! Like most of my fellow Brits, I'd never seen it before until it was handed to me sideways by which time I had a 50/50 chance of getting it right. Whoops......"

We'll give him a pass this time. The Brits aren't used to getting trophies. At least he didn't blame the "greasy Mexicans" this time.

Rock-A-Bye, Baby. This Bully Won't Remember Homeroom

Let us know you're fans of Deuce of Davenport by clicking this new "follow" feature there on the upper part of the right column. Do it, we need validation.

EDIT: Yea, doesnt seem to be workin for us yet...i've taken it down for now. Good to see people wanna click on it tho

Why We Fight In The NHL

If you've ever wondered why there are fights in the NHL, Adam Burish of the Chicago Blackhawks has an answer for you.

Imagine going into the office and your supervisor, who nobody likes, gives you and your co-workers a project that you know is just busy work but is important to get done, but nobody is to excited to do it. The next thing you know is you look over and your buddy is beating up your supervisor. Once he's done beating him up, I'll guarantee you will all be excited and go get that job done with a smile on your face.

Nuff said. Let's make today Office Fight Day. See if they really work as a morale booster.

NFL Marketing Hits A New Low

Ok, this surely isn't a licensed NFL company here, but what the hell. Ever wanted to wear your team logo to work but can't get past the stupid "dress code"? Well worry no more, you can go to NFLDressShirts.com and go get you a dress shirt with your favorite NFL team logos on it. Now, you think this isnt as bad as it sounds right? Well just watch this amazing advertisement that I found on Youtube and you will see this tragedy with your own eyes.

If you dare click on the link to the shop above, you will see a testimonial from the purveyor of said shirts regarding his love of his creation:

Now when I take my woman out, she's happy to see me in my "button" down shirt. Makes her feel like I care enough about her to get dressed up. And I DO CARE about her, she's my woman. It's just that until now I never felt comfortable wearing what every one else was wearing.

I'm just an average guy who loves football and hates to get dressed up. If that's how you are, you'll like your shirt as much as I like mine, maybe even more.

Wow...I think he almost talked me into it, except I know for a fact that my significant other would, in one swift motion, junkpunch me with one hand and rip the shirt off me with the other leaving me in the fetal position, writhing in pain on the ground, where I would finally muster up enough strength to whimper "Why baby? WHY?" and look up to see that the shirt would already be engulfed in a gasoline fueled fire. I love that gal.

Don't miss out on a chance to beat up Jose Canseco. If you want to get in the ring with the King of Chorionic Gonadotropin on January 10, Michael Klein of the Philadelphia Inquirer says you can email promoter Damon Feldman at fightcanseco@aol.com. There's $5,000 in it for you.

If You're Not Careful, You Might Learn Something Before It's Done

Who knew Bill Cosby's words from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids would still hold true after all these years?

“Hey,” offered Estero defensive line coach Pat Hayes after the one-sided affair, “I didn’t even know 91 was a multiple of seven.”

Unfortunately for Coach Hayes, he and the rest of the Estero High football program learned their times tables the hard way on the football field. Estero was beaten 91-0 by Naples High. Yeah, that's right. 91-0. That would be 13 touchdowns for those of you counting on your fingers and toes.

Naples High coach Bill Kramer should have been living large after such a huge win. However it ain't all good for him either.

He looked at the scoreboard late in the game, saw 91-0, and said he felt sick to his stomach. Kramer’s team ran only 31 plays and he kept most of his best players on the sideline — for the entire game in some cases. But still Kramer knew what was coming.

Parents from both schools were furious. Estero parents wanted to know why he ran up the score and Naples parents wanted to know why he didn't put their babies in the game to run up their stats. Kramer said, "There were people ready to burn my house."

Keep in mind the schools are about the same size. However while Naples Florida Class 3A champions and have players committed to schools like Ohio State, Estero "has no college prospects and only about 25 healthy players remaining on its roster".

It's not all bad for Estero High. They were losing 70-0 at the half which means they only gave up three touchdowns in the second half. Now that's change you can believe in. Maybe Naples were just tired from scoring so much but Estero should look at it as a positive and they can take it into their next game against Cape Coral...who almost beat Naples. Hey Hey Hey!

Headline Of The Day

The New York Post does it again. "Jacobs Won't Bite At Brown Bait"?

How Come Karate Monkey Wasn't In The Kumite?

Maybe Frank Dux beat Chong Li at the end of Bloodsport but think how much better it could have been if he faced Karate Monkey in the final fight.



Karate Monkey say, "Break my record. Now I break you like I break your friend."

Open Letter To Vinny Cerrato:

Dear Vinny,

If I'm curt with you it's because time is a factor, so let me get to the point. If you sign Shaun Alexander you will only further cement your place next to the word IDIOT the dictionary. We know its been a rough year for you, what with 9 out of your 10 draft picks not doing a damn thing for the Redskins. We know how hard it is for you to do all the scouting, film watching and phone call making that is required of you...especially when you have to prepare for a radio show you do for 2 hours, twice a week. I know how that stuff cuts into your radio prep time and surely you couldn't have had time to look at a lot of film and scouting reports on running backs because of it...but please, for the love of all things good in this world, DO NOT SIGN SHAUN ALEXANDER.

This is not the saving grace hailmary that you need to throw to save your job right now. This is not it at all. Seriously, trading away yet another one of our draft picks for Roy Williams would make FAR more sense than signing this washed up, poor attitude, team cancer of a running back. There is a reason that Cedric Benson, Najeh Davenport and Rudi Johnson all were signed by teams that were desperate for running backs and Shaun Alexander wasn't. CEDRIC FREAKING BENSON was signed over him!! If you had been paying attention to your peers in the league, you would know that this guy is done. Let me say that again Joe Biden style, "DONE".

The last thing the Redskins need is an over the hill, former primadonna of a running back, to make some sort of last ditch attempt to regain significance in this world, as a 2nd or 3rd string backup to the leading rusher of the league. Why not sign one of the guys from training camp like Nehemiah Broughton or even raid the Baltimore Raven's practice squad and bring back the fan favorite (and most productive running back the 'Skins had during the preseason) Marcus Mason? Those guys have fresh legs and know the system that Zorn wants to run since they were here for training camp. In Broughton's case, he's been in the Redskins system for the last 2 years, which would give him 2 years of knowledge of the Redskins rushing scheme since they are using the same scheme as last year.

All of this makes too much sense, which is why I'm sure you will not do it Vinny. However, I ask you, nay, i BEG you to ask yourself, "Why make the same mistake that I have made time and time again in bringing in a washed up, former all-pro, when I could instead build for the future by helping out your present with an injected of talented youth that will add to the team chemistry instead of detract from it"? Please, from one Redskins fan to another, I beg of you...do NOT sign Shaun Alexander.

Best Wishes,

Chimpanzee Rage

via Washington Post: Redskins might sign Alexander

Evan Fields...I mean Evander Holyfield doesn't take care of his kids and might go to jail.

Through Rain, Sleet, Snow Or Cheap Political Ploy, Philly Fans Always Deliver

"America's #1 Hockey Mom" probably thought her children would act as a shield. Sheeeeit, you betta ask somebody.



That's cold but that's how Philly do. Did they really think it would go any other way? I'm sure no one noticed the attempt to drown out the boos by turning up the music. Too bad Flyers owner and McCain supporter Ed Snider couldn't block out the Obama/Biden signs in the crowd.

Let this episode be a lesson to team owners who insist on shoving their politics down the throat of the fan. You too will fail especially if you live in Philadelphia.


UPDATE: By the time Palin dropped the puck Saturday night, she was used to the boos. She had been getting them since 3:35 PM that afternoon.

Chris Iwelumo, You Sir Are A Buffoon

Def Leppard May Be Able To Armageddon It But They're Not Really Gettin' It

Put the Stanley Cup upside down? That's a paddlin'.

If you're a hockey fan and you're not reading Puck Daddy, you're sleeping. You're missing brilliance such as the following story which shows why rehearsal is so important.


** Drummer Rick Allen was arrested for beating his wife years ago. Couldn't she have avoided it if she just ran in circles around him? He only has a right arm. What? I've never hit a woman and now I'm the asshole?

No Sex In The Champagne Room And No Politics In The Locker Room

Browns coach Romeo Crennel is in a state of panic. His team sucks again, Derek Anderson has lost it and Brady Quinn can't seem to keep his mind on football between online dating and endorsing crazy old men for president. He had to draw the line somewhere and he decided on politics.

The Chicago Tribune reports that Crennel has asked players to keep politics out of the locker room in order to maintain team unity. After all, one can't expect people to have differing political opinions and manage to maintain some sense of order and decorum.

"Politics are their politics as long as they don't interfere with the team," Crennel said Thursday. "That's my main concern, that they don't get on a soap box in the locker room and get it going back and forth about a particular candidate against another candidate. That's why the ballot is a secret ballot when you go vote."

Never mind that the Redskins seem to be able to handle political discussion in the locker room without WWIII breaking out. Crennel better be careful before people start calling him out for making Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X. According to Dave Chappelle, keeping your politics quiet is a white thing.

"White people do not like to talk about their policial affiliations. Its a secret. You ask a white guy who's he votin for, like 'Hey Bob, who you gonna vote for?' 'Dave! Dave, woah, woah woah. Take it easy. So I was fuckin my wife in her ass, right? And let me tell you, it was something else.' 'Yeah yeah, but who are you gonna vote for?' 'DAVE! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife in the ass, and you're asking me all these personal questions.' "

Let's not be too judgmental. Crennel is trying to avoid the potential meltdown which has been known to happen. We've see what happens when certain political issues such as the military come up in a locker room.



They serve with honor. It's kill or be killed. It's understandable why soldiers feel as strongly as they do about war. Express yourself, Kellen.

Mascot Grand National: Best Idea Ever?

I don't know how you feel about it but I'm still against putting a potential $700 billion towards a bailout of Wall Street. There are more pressing issues that need to be addressed such as primary education, Darfur and an American version of the Mascot Grand National.

The Mascot Grand National is a race in England that pits mascots against each other in a hurdle race at the Huntingdon Racecourse. The 2008 version took place this past Sunday. Hopefully some better video will be posted soon but this should do in the meantime.



Arsenal mascot Theo Walcott opened this year's race. "The England international took time out of his training schedule to be pictured with Hugo The Hound, Gunnersaurus and Sedge The Field Mouse..." That's about right.

I vote Yay for putting tax dollars towards mascot races and feats of strength.

Don't touch John McCain at the craps table. He might get a 'Nam flashback. This time, he was possessed by Gamblor.

Kevin Youkilis Needs To Get Over Himself

There's nothing sports fans love more than hypocrites. It's also interesting to see that the Red Sawx have reached a point where they've stopped being "idiots" and become uptight, self-righteous douchebags like a certain team in the South Bronx. Now there's another reason to hate the Red Sox besides their fans.

Youk has a problem with the Tampa Bay Rays and their dancers. He should get together with Goose Gossage so they can bitch about how smiling and high fives are a sign that players don't have respect anymore.

"It's unprofessional in a lot of ways," Youkilis said before a Red Sox workout yesterday at Tropicana Field. "People dancing on top of the dugout in between innings is OK, but during the game . . . It's a different atmosphere from New York and Boston."

Don't forget about the refreshing freedom from spectator douchebaggery that one finds in New York and Boston. It is different and that's not such a bad thing. As much as one hated the Sox, they were a refreshing alternative from the "stick up the ass" attitude of the Yankees. Guess that's over. I suppose they'll come back to the dancers if they drop the series.

Keep in mind that these comments are coming from the team that once reveled in being seen as "idiots" and not giving a damn. It's nice to see that Youk finally cares about professionalism. Too bad he never did when a certain unnamed player on his team constantly showed signs of unprofessionalism and apathy. Maybe he should be more concerned about fans blowing their load in the stands over Coco Crisp. Droppin' loads!! Was it as good for Coco as it was for this assclown?

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Roof Skating Not A Good Idea

Much thanks Blaze

Don't Be Suprised If You See Diego Maradona Playing In The Mexican Minors

A drug-dealing soccer team? It seems like the premise for a movie or tv drama that should star Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez, a soccer team-owning drug baron. It could also just be another day in Mexico.

Seven players on the Mapaches de Nueva Italia Raccoons soccer team were arrested for "alleged ties to drug traffickers". One player was linked to the drug cartel "La Familia" which is based in one of the most violent states in Mexico. La Familia has nothing to do with Jay-Z or Roc-A-Fella as much as they would like that.

Once word of the Raccoons gets out, players from all over the world will be rushing to Michoacan. Mark Bosnich in goal, Rio Ferdinand and Abel Xavier in the back. Imagine Maradona and Adrian Mutu up front. Yeah Maradona's heart could explode at any second but it'll be fun while it lasts. The Mexican Third Division won't know what hit it. All they'll need is a Tony Montana-like chairman and some WAGs. Now that's a telenovela for the ages. Think of Scarface crossed with Footballers Wives. Can't you see a drug-addled Maradona saying "Her womb is so polluted, I can't even have a fuckin' little baby with her!"? Salma Hayek throws a glass of Don Julio in his face and screams, "Fuck you, Gordo!" as she storms out of the restaurant. Fuck TNT. We know drama.

The Dallas Cowboys Say Vote Early And Vote Often

We've heard the stories of Lyndon Johnson jacking ballot boxes to win an election but we figured the days of blatant election stealing were over unless you're talking about "voter fraud" which really means disenfranchising voters.

The Dallas Cowboys would make Papa Daley proud. Actually ACORN would as the Dallas Cowboys have nothing to do with the voter registration shenanigans in Nevada. ACORN's offices were raided after Nevada accused them of submitting fradulent voter registration forms. You might recognize some of the newly registered Nevada voters. Tony Romo. Terrell Owens. Pacman Jones. Ok, fine. He wasn't on there. That would have been a dead giveaway.

“Tony Romo is not registered to vote in the state of Nevada, and anybody trying to pose as Terrell Owens won’t be able to cast a ballot on Nov. 4,” said Secretary of State Ross Miller, referring to star players on the pro football team.

According to the Star-Telegram, the fraudulent forms included the names of the Dallas Cowboys starting lineup. T.O. cried when he heard he wasn't going to be able to vote 18-20 times. God wanted to show his glory through a great T.O. performance on Election Day. You just don't understand him and what he means to voting.

Remind me to invite Birdman to my next birthday party.

Adam Jones: Regular Like You In Your Bowel Moving Prime

Well that didn't take long. What can be said about the one they call Pacman this time? At least he didn't get into it at the strip club? I suppose that's a start.

Pacman could be in some trouble unless the Cowboys cover up his latest altercation Michael Irvin-style. CBS11 in Dallas and Pro Football Talk report that Pacman was involved in a scrap at a Dallas hotel. The Dallas station calls the Tuesday night incident a "violent confrontation". Allegedly it was between Pacman and a member of his security detail.

Sources say police were called after Jones argued with one of his own bodyguards. By the time police arrived he was headed back inside the hotel and patrons could clearly hear a fight going on in the bathroom.

That fight was allegedly between 'Pacman' Jones and a member of his security detail. Security inside the hotel allegedly pulled the two apart. At least one mirror was broken in the confrontation.

Sources say Jones went outside and left the hotel without paying his tab. He was reportedly with a woman who drove the two away from the scene.

Strangely enough, there was no police report. That's how you circle the wagons, Dallas. It's a time honored tradition in the Execution State. Anyway, Pacman's going to do as Pacman does. If Shammgod can't go to the mountain, the mountain will just have to come to Shammgod. You can't keep Pacman away from beef forever. He's gotta have it like Pookie.

Maybe the Bengals should sign Pacman's bodyguard. He got to Pacman way more than Ocho Cinco.


UPDATE: The Bengals would probably have to give up too high a draft pick to get the bodyguard because he's already down with America's Team. PFT's Mike Florio has a league source who says the bodyguard "was an off-duty police officer who has been hired by Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to babysit Pacman".

The source says that the problem started because the babysitter popped off to Jones’ female companion. Jones, who had been drinking, then started up with the guy, and it culminated in a scuffle.

Jones, we’re told, had marks on his face at practice on Wednesday.

This keeps getting better. Only if the source knew what the bodyguard said to Pacman's lady friend. Maybe he told Pacman's bitch that he still felt that she owed him some sex.


CBS11 TV via Pro Football Talk.

Female Rays Fans Getting Mohawks Too...Down There

That's right, for women out there who want to get in on the "Rayhawk" craze that is sweeping all of Tampa Bay in support of their Rays playoff run, there is a way to show their support...a little more discretely...and much to the joy of their significant others. The Rayhawk bikini wax has become a popular way for women to show their team support:

Michelle Foster of Skin Deep Spatique in St. Petersburg says she was inspired by her son's Mohawk, "I stopped and thought about it a minute, and thought, well now everyone can have one!"

But, it's not exactly pain-friendly. Team pride comes with a little sacrifice.

Women wince. They cry. They even scream.

It's a bit of a shock to the system as hot wax is spread onto the skin with a spatula, while an aesthetician stands by with a white piece of cloth, ready to rip off the wax. When all is said and done, women are left with a female Rayhawk.

Michelle says the response has been crazy. She chuckled and told us, "It's fun. Now us ladies have a way of participating."

It seems to be making a lot of men happy, Michelle says, as women come home with what she calls a big "surprise."

I, for one, hope people take notice of this trend here in DC. With the Redskins starting out 4-1, I think all of us men should shave our heads bald to support our team. Women...you may shave whatever you want accordingly. Oh yes.

Via Tampa Bays 10

Philadelphia Flyers make pathetic MAVERICK!! attempt to appeal to ignorant, glue huffing hockey moms. One can only hopMAVERICK!! the Philly fans do their usMAVERICK!! and give her a Michael Irvin-style welcome. The booing, that is. Then again, I don't think MAVERICK!! many would be upset if this ended up happening. MAVERICK!!

Washington State Football: Anyone Can Do It

Tough times in Cougar Country. Fortunately we're not talking about 40+ women. They're still there and fine as far as we know. We're talking about Pullman, the home of Washington State. Their QB situation is so dire, they had to have open tryouts this week.

QBs Kevin Lopina and Kevin Rogers are out due to injury so coach Paul Wulff was forced to hold tryouts this week. Some kid named Peter Roberts won the job but he has a long way to go. Wulff still doesn't know his name.

...I don't know his name," Wulff said Tuesday. "We went through a series of 29 kids who went through it. He's a good kid. He's a kid from the state of Washington. He's a two-year starter at Woodinville High School."

Roberts won't actually start ... for now. He'll run the scout team as the third-string QB and two freshmen backups are lining up to be injured.


This Roberts kid has Shane Falco written all over him. He still needs to get past three other QBs. Jeff Gillooly showed us one path to glory and Brooke Langton. However he might also consider paying off USC and Arizona State to "sweep some legs" if you will. USC are already paid like professionals so it might be tough coming up with the money but any team coached by Dennis Erickson can be bought off.

Smack the coach on the ass? That's a stabbin'.

Mike & Mike Can't Get Enough Of Themselves

Mike & Mike In The Morning on ESPN Radio is one of the worst radio shows known to have ever existed on your radio dial. Its a fact, look it up. If you've ever been forced to listen to their drivel, you've surely noticed that Mike Greenberg has an annoying habit of saying the name of the show "Mike & Mike In The Morning" every single opportunity he can. Its one of the most irksome things about the show and makes me want to rip off my ears and plug the bloody ear holes in my head with the very ears I just ripped off...or just change the station. Whatever.

The point is, we know what the show is, stop saying it every minute! Anyway, one enterprising listener of the Big O & Dukes show here in Washington DC isolated every instance of "Greeny" saying Mike & Mike or Mike & Mike in the morning from one randomly selected show. The result? He says it 72 times...72 freaking times he said it in a 4 hour show. Minus Sportscenter breaks and commercial breaks, they're really just filling about 2 hours worth of air time with their voices, does it need to be said 72 times in 120 minutes? Don't believe it? Watch it. Its hilarious.

Via Big O and Dukes Show

I Can Haz Revolution?

Start eliminating the monkeys now. Giving them access to our food and drink supplies is just as good as signing our own death warrant. Leave it to the Japanese to roll over for animals like monkeys or monsters like Godzilla and Rodan.



It's all cute until one of those patrons gets the poisonous blowfish. At that point, it'll be too late and all will be lost. The monkeys will finally make monkeys out of us.

Mike Mussina back to Baltimore? Get off the pipe. How about some Teixeira and/or Burnett? Maybe the O's can get David Wells, Armando Benitez and Esteban Yan back while they're at it. I'm sure Jeff Reboulet is available. That's a bit much. I can't speak ill of Reboulet. His name does sound like Goulet and he had (and still could have) a strong moustache.

Idiot ideas like this are the kind of thinking that allowed Cal to stick around past his "sell by" date.

At Least This One Wasn't Sage Rosenfels' Fault

People are still in disbelief about the Texans collapse against the Colts. Some even think Sage blew it on purpose. We won't go there. St. Paul Johnson High feels the Texans' pain. They were the victims of a ridiculous comeback thanks to some lucky play and a shit secondary.

FoxPreps.com brings us the insanity from the end of the game. St. Paul Central was down 18-6 with five seconds left in the 4th. In the words of George Michael, let's go to the tape.



That corner should get a code red for that play. It's surprising that he didn't call for a fair catch on the second touchdown. Now that I think about it, Johnson's defense looked like the 2003-2004 Packers defense when they had Al Harris and Ahmad Carroll. 4th and 26 anybody?


FoxPreps.com via Fark.

Ask Yourself Men...Is It Worth It?

This guy saw opportunity square in the face and said yes...then he saw nothing but pain.

S**t Kits, Part Deux

Now that Who Ate All The Pies is offline, we figure we should do our part to keep the Shit Kits feature going. First up, Stade Francais.

Why Don't Plaxico Call Nobody Back?

"My emotions were that they suspended me. That was the decision they chose to do. I'll take it at that. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. I got me some rest and was able to get away for a while and chill out and relax."
--Plaxico Burress on his suspension

Plaxico Burress is a man after Emmitt Smith's heart. He may get it if he keeps giving lines like that. However Emmitt better be careful because he's a "fuck 'em and leave 'em" kinda guy. A man with no remorse.

Burress returned to practice and made it clear he could care less that he was suspended by the Giants.

“I haven’t lost any sleep. I am in great spirits. I enjoyed my week off. My team went out and played great yesterday without me. It was good to see the guys go out there and play well.”

Tom Coughlin and the players must love a team attitude like that. Something tells us this won't be the last time this happens. The Giants receiver claimed that he had a situation, had to see a man about a horse or had to go see about something. Maybe it was taking his son to school or maybe it was beatin' muthafuckas like Ike beat Tina. Either way he didn't call to inform the team or return calls as they tried to track him down.

The Giants shouldn't feel too bad. They weren't the only ones not getting any love from Burress. Epic Car and Truck Rental can't get him on the phone either. He allegedly returned a rental car after hours with damage and never reported it. He paid about a grand towards the damage but still owes $1759. He claimed Allstate as his insurance company but when contacted, they told the rental company that Burress doesn't have policy with them.

A third-party administrator finally called Giants Director of Player Development Charles Way after several unsuccessful attempts to contact Burress. Way's response when asked about getting hold of Burress was "Man, I'm trying".

Maybe the Klondike 5-4385 number Burress gave them and the Giants should have been a clue.

Goal Of The Week

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is better than you this week. Check out this amazing back heel against Bologna from this past weekend.

Barrel Full Of Monkeys Plus Drunk Football Players Adds Up To A Great Night

If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that a barrel of monkeys is always a good time but a night at the Monkey Barrel is always sure to lead to trouble. Just ask the Salisbury State football team.

Several players including one called Gooch were arrested after a brawl at the Monkey Barrel. The five players were picking fights with people in the bar all night and when the cops finally arrived, there were "several fights in the parking lot and one of the players, Justin Sykes, 22, hit an officer as he was being arrested".

If the bar actually had a barrel of monkeys to sic on the football players when trouble started, this whole situation could have been avoided and the bar patrons could have been entertained by a chimpdown of epic proportions. Chimptastic.

This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

This one time I'm at the club, right. We're chilling, having a good time, and everything is cool until I accidentally spill my drink on this guy. He is comically short. We're talking like 5'2". Pre-Jackman Wolverine short. I've got 8 inches and at least 120 pounds on this guy, but I'm a gentleman, see, and even though I tower over this guy like the Colossus of Rhodes I make an apology.

The less-than-tall gentleman does not accept my apology, though, and starts to spew invective at me that would make a Hunters Point streetwalker blush. I continue to express my regret at this unfortunate turn of events while he continues to get angrier and angrier at me for the earth-shattering crime of spilling a screwdriver on his fake Versace clothing, which I assume came from the children's line.

After putting up with this for a solid 90 seconds I finally ditch my gentlemanly facade and say, "look, I said I'm sorry, and I am sorry, but what the fuck are you going to do about it?"

At this point the vertically challenged gentleman plucks a telescoping steel baton out of nowhere and proceeds to beat the everloving shit out of me.

I finally feel I can relate this tale because now I know I have a kindred spirit. After all, getting your ass kicked by Kylie Minogue's shorter, more effeminate brother has to feel an awful lot like getting outcoached by JIM FUCKING ZORN.

Seriously? Seriously? Jim Zorn? Are you kidding me? ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME?

Hey, Andy, here's a thought: when you have a 14-point lead in a football game, your job is to eat clock. Nothing else. NOTHING FUCKING WELL ELSE! You run the ball on first and second down and then maybe - MAYBE! - try a little dink and dunk on 3rd and short to get the first down. Hell, if you've got, let's say, the best running back in the National Football League you might even run it again on third down. You might even break off a big play or, god forbid, a touchdown!

You do this to keep the chains moving, and - this is the important part here, Andy - EAT THE FUCKING CLOCK! Because, Andy, when you have a 14-point lead in the first three minutes of a football game the only thought in your gigantic cantaloupe head SHOULD be, "short of relativistic time dilation, which the speed of a Donovan McNabb pass could possibly generate (illustrated below), how can I end this game as quickly as possible?"


The way you do that, Andy, is you RUN THE FUCKING FOOTBALL! You have Brian Westbrook. You have DeSean Jackson. You have that stupid fucking "ghost around" play that, hey, remember that time you actually GAVE it to Jackson last week instead of faking it for the 9 billionth time and he broke it off for like 30 yards? You have these things at your disposal, Andy. You do not use them.

You do not use them because unfortunately for everyone everywhere, but most especially those of us who are both a) Eagles fans and b) not anencephalic silverbacks, the only thought lurking inside that fleshy basketball atop your neck is, "footballs flying through the air are pretty, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" This thought is sometimes closely followed by, "hey, Donovan looks sad. I wonder why. I bet making him throw the ball 584,871 more times will cheer him up! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

You had an eminently winnable football game and you coached yourself right out of it. You let yourself get beat by Jim Zorn! What, did you think he was Max Zorin from A View to a Kill and you got scared because you thought you were up against a second-rate Bond villain? No! Jim Zorn. Jim fucking Zorn. You managed to put in a shittier coaching performance than JIM FUCKING ZORN.

Kylie's little brother is coming for you, Andy, and he's got a Cobra with your name all fucking over it.

God's Glory Vessel Criticizes Possession Receiver And Other Goodness From Dallas

When Terrell Owens isn't busy spreading God's glory like herpes, he likes to take time out of his busy day to hate on possession receivers. Wayne Chrebet and Brian Finneran better watch out. They could be next after T.O. finishes with Keyshawn Johnson.

Tim McMahon of the Dallas Morning News has all kinds of goodness from Irving after yesterday's game between the Cowboys and Bengals. T.O. claims that he's the reason Johnson is on ESPN Sunday mornings instead of getting ready to play.

"He is the ultimate underachiever on that panel," Owens told reporters in Dallas before reminding them that he's the reason Johnson is no longer playing in the NFL. "Everybody is aware when I was brought to Dallas he was the one they let go to get me here."

Johnson must not have been able to spread glory like T.O. In case anyone forgot, he reminded the press after today's win over the Bengals.

"God used me today for his glory," T.O. said in conclusion. "Reality is where glory resides. That's all I've got to say."

T.O. wasn't the only receiver talking nonsense after today's game. Mr. Ocho Cinco was busy backpedaling and throwing out blame for his crap performance. He said Pacman was "going to get it"on Sunday.

"I don't have a choice. I don't have a choice," he said. "Somebody tell Pacman or Adam or whatever the hell he wants to be called -- he is going to get it. Anthony Henry, he's going to get it."

Three receptions and 43 yards later, Ocho Cinco was backin' that ass up like Juvenile. He claimed that he never intended to kiss the star because he had "too much respect for "Dallas, Mr. Jones and the organization". He was just trying to pump himself up. He must have read Boys Will Be Boys between his original comments and today's game. How could you not respect game like that?

Jim Zorn Is Real Good At The Rope-A-Dope

Old and Busted:
Da New Hotness:
Don't be mad Eagles fans, your team played a good game, you just fell for the oldest trick in the book, the rope-a-dope. Kidding of course, no way the Redskins wanted to be down 14 points with 7 minutes left in the 1st quater but 23 consecutive points will certainly make a team look a lot better after that kind of start. Lets face it though, if the Eagles could just manage one yard in the 4th quarter like the Redskins did (on 4th down i might add) it would've been an entirely different game...but they didn't, so suck it up. Game over, 23-17, Redskins. 4-1 vs. 2-2. Who runs the West Coast offense now, huh punks?

You can whine all you want about your team blowing a 14 point lead, but those 14 points happened in the first 8 minutes of the game. Too bad the game is 60 minutes long. I've heard complaints that the Eagles didn't run the ball enough and should have "run out the clock" after being spotted 14 points in the 1st half of the 1st quarter. The truth is the Eagles tried to run the ball, they just couldn't do it successfully. The Eagles often ran on 1st down (until the 4th quarter) and were unsuccessful most times they did so. By creating 2nd and 3rd downs with long yardage needed the Eagles were forced to throw the ball to create offense. Sadly for the Eagles, neither their offensive scheme nor personnel are set up to consistently get large chunks of yardage through the air, especially against a team with so many experienced defensive backs like the Redskins.

Westbrook was averaging 2.8 yards a carry on the ground, off his career average of 4.7 a carry, and obviously was hurting from this chest and ankle. To rely on him, in hindsight, was folly. The Redskins D kept the 'skins in the game after getting shocked on the 1st drive of the game by stopping the run, creating difficult 2nd and 3rd downs to convert, thus rendering the Eagles dink and dunk passing game ineffective.

As useless as the Eagles offense was on the ground, the real culprit here was that the Eagles D just didn't do what they had to do to win which was disrupt the QB and stop the run. They only registered 1 sack and they recorded 0 interceptions or fumbles. This is a D that thrives off of pressure and the turnovers that result from it and they didn't do a good enough job of getting to the QB to make their pressure result in turnovers. When you apply pressure and it doesn't work, usually you give up some points.

That and their double covering of Santana Moss left Chris Cooley wide freakin open the entire game. Did no one on that coaching staff think to cover the Pro Bowl tight end? That wasn't Zorn's play calling so much as the Eagles forgetting the Redskins had a TE who could catch a ball. As for stopping the run, were they so concentrated on Zorn's efficient passing scheme that they also forgot the Redskins had Clinton Portis back there? He ran wild, 145 yards on 29 carries, 5 yards a carry, including runs of 21 and 27 yards. Those breakdowns on the Eagles defense resulted in the Redskins being able to move the ball down the field quite consistently throughout the game.

Basically, when a team runs the ball efficiently, stops the run effectively, controls the time of possession and doesn't turn the ball over, that team stands a good chance of winning. The Redskins did all that with excellent plays and play calling on offense and defense. It wasn't just Jim Zorn, it was Jim Zorn and Greg Blache who put the players in position to suceed on both sides of the ball, so any rantings about Zorn have to include Blache as well, the man is coaching a great defense right now. You must give a lot of credit to Andy Reid, Jim Johnson and offensive play caller Marty Mornhinweg however, for playing right into the Redskins schemes on both side of the ball...at least after the 1st half of the 1st quarter. Suckers.

Can I say it again? 4-1! Who woulda thunk it? Not me...seriously.

2008 USA Rock Paper Scissors Championship Tonight

Thats right, the 2008 USA Rock Paper Scissors Championship will be broadcast tonight, on tape, on Fox Sports Net at 9pm, 11pm, and 12:30am, but check your local listings. Be sure to watch as Chris Rose and my main man, Master Roshambollah, give commentary for the $50,000 event. Be there and be square.

America Jr. Is Ruining Hockey Night In Canada For North America

Hockey Night In Canada will finally be shown here in the US. Ooh that's good. However they're changing the theme song. Ooh that's bad.

HNIC will be finally be shown on the NHL Network which is great news for hockey fans in the US. For you non-hockey fans, we're talking about the Canadian broadcast of hockey games and not Principal Joe Clark. Then again maybe he could co-host Coaches Corner with Don Cherry instead of Ron MacLean. Imagine the two of them locking horns. I should be the black Don Cherry this Halloween now that I think about it. Call me Black Cherry. Sorry, I digress.


The CBC is also making some big changes for the new season like broadcasting games in Punjabi for starters. The most blasphemous change is the new theme song. HNIC has been known for its theme song in the same way that we recognize the old The NFL Today or NBA on NBC theme songs. The official story is that the CBC couldn't reach an agreement with the copyright holders.

"Every brand needs to be a little refreshed," [CBC Sports Executive Director Scott] Moore said in a telephone interview. "It needs to get a little younger, it needs to get a little more relevant every year.

Instead of imposing a new HNIC theme song on the masses, CBC has decided to hold a contest and let the public vote for the new theme on a show called Anthem Challenge. The contest is down to five semifinalists. You can listen to them here. We'll leave it up to you to decide whether they're worthy but the original is still the best.

Iconic theme songs don't necessarily need to get younger or fresher. How often is the new theme song better than the old one when it comes to the great ones? There's no question that a large part of the appeal of a theme song is nostalgia especially when it comes to sports. Compare the NBA on NBC theme song with the crap that is the NBA on ABC or Monday Night Football. This Hank Williams/Pink/Rob Thomas bullshit is absurd. Faith Hill doesn't get me hyped up to watch football. This does.

What do you think of when you think of basketball on NBC? Roundball Rock and the great Bulls run. ABC? Shit songs you can't stand forced down your throat in order to appeal to people who really don't care about the game. Those tranny Pussycat Dolls? Rob Thomas? Who's next? Michael Buble? Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute? I'm not going to front. The John Tesh joint was hot but how often does that happen?

Anyway, it just sucks that the theme song is changing but if it means we get to watch Hockey Night in America, I'll take it.


It's just good to have hockey back.


** In case you were wondering, hockey also proves that violence does pay.

Karma's A Cold Bitch When You're In The CFL

You'd think playing in the CFL is enough punishment for doing something bad in a previous life or just not being very good at all. Apparently that wasn't enough for former Argos QB Kerwin Bell.



Football to the groin! It works on so many levels.

Ronaldo Outed By Telenovela Star?

Poor Ronaldo. Manchester United is stuck in 8th place in the league and he can't get no play from the girls for free anymore. What's worse for him is that he can't get them because they think he's gay.

The chicken tikka colored midfielder struck out with a Colombian telenovela star after she resisted his trademark wink move. Maybe someone should tell him that Sarah Palin cold stole his move with about the same effect.

She told me: He was really red, like he had been laying out in the sun too long, and kept putting oil on himself all the time.

He was wearing these tiny little swimming pants. The way he was preening himself was hilarious.

I had absolutely no idea who he was — and we were all convinced he was gay.

He winked at me and tried to chat me up but I don’t speak English well.

So I just said ‘Sorry’ and walked away.

Ronaldo should just stick with his high pro ho. Either that or embrace his new identity.

Game on, playboy.

Speaking Of Insane Sports Rants

Joe Kinnear's press conference rant may go down in history as one of the best but he'll have some company. We managed to dig up some European classics for our American readers. They go to show that the Europeans can hold their own with Americans like Lou Pinella and Tommy Lasorda. Of course the clips are probably NSFW due to language.

The first is from Canadian and former NHLer Greg Holst. He's currently the coach for Austrian team VSV. This fucking clip is from a fucking game vs. fucking Vienna.



Fucking absolut! I demand one rant on this level from Barry Melrose this season.

This next one is brought to you by former Leyton Orient manager John Sitton. This guy challenged his own players to fights and told them to "fuck off out on the pitch". His greatest moment came when he fired a player at halftime. Thankfully cameras were there to capture his madness.



Don't forget to bring your fucking dinner when you throw down with Sitton.


** Check this gem from former Orioles manager Earl Weaver. That is Weaver but it's a joke that was never aired (according to legend). Now that's the Orioles Way I remember.

Apparently goat condoms are the new hotness in Kenya. That's all I'm using from now on.

So Baby Gimme That Toot Toot, Lemme Give You Lance's Pee Pee

The French can't quit Lance Armstrong. Their obsession to prove he's a drug cheat has reached Detective John Kavanaugh proportions. They haven't shown a thirst for vengeance like this since ever. If they had showed this much determination during WWII...

The French anti-doping authority has thrown down a challenge to the seven-time Tour de France champion, proposing he agree to retesting of his 1999 urine samples to see whether a French newspaper was right when it reported they contained traces of EPO, a banned blood-boosting hormone that enhances endurance.

Authority head Pierre Bordry insists that Armstrong "prove his good faith" and put the rumors to rest by agreeing to let them retest the 1999 samples. Of course, Bordry's not bringing up the fact that the French are the ones keeping the rumors alive.

In drug testing, urine is divided into “A” and “B” samples, and both must show traces of a banned substance for the test to be declared positive.

Only remains from six “B” samples have been kept from Armstrong’s 1999 Tour, the French agency said. So even if the “B” samples came back positive in new testing, there are no “A” samples left against which to compare results.

Armstrong responded by claiming the samples were "compromised".

...The conclusions of the investigation were that the 1998 and 1999 Tour de France samples have not been maintained properly, have been compromised in many ways, and even three years ago could not be tested to provide any meaningful results. There is simply nothing that I can agree to that would provide any relevant evidence about 1999.”

Who knows whether Lance did or didn't dope during his cycling career. Far be it for us to defend or crucify him without knowing the facts. However, it does seem as though the French are out to get him. They haven't been able to prove their case despite claiming evidence of EPO in his 2005 samples. It's simple. Put up or shut up. The same goes for Tour de France president Jean-Etienne Amaury and Greg LeMond.


** It wouldn't be right of us to reference the R without giving it to you.

John Daly's European Vacation?

John Daly is contemplating playing on the Euro Tour next year.

Upsides:
- Western Europe is small, much easier to get around via Winnebago.
- Competition is a touch below the PGA, maybe he can actually make a cut.
- Giant beers will get you drunker faster



Downsides:
- Any increase in winnings will be promptly spent on the aforementioned beers or lost in any and all of the casinos that dot the each and every european town.
- Unless the Euro tour has a stop on the island of Ibiza during spring break, he's not likely to get to hang out with such fine, upstanding young women like this

Best. Press. Conference. Ever.

We've already broken down the clusterfuck that is Newcastle United. Interim manager Joe Kinnear has done nothing to change that view of the club since he took over for Kevin Keegan. If anything, he reinforced it by giving a press conference rant that rivals anything Jim Mora or Dennis Green could ever hope to do.

Enough from us. Take it away, Joe. Here's the transcript courtesy of The Guardian:

The following is an edited transcript of Newcastle interim manager Joe Kinnear's first official press conference yesterday

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

JK You're a cunt.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn't actually say that. Have you read it?

JK I've fucking read it, I've read it.

SB It doesn't say that. Have you read it?

JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB Have you read it, it doesn't say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance.

SB You read the copy? It doesn't say that you didn't know.

JK What about the headline, you think that's a good headline?

SB I didn't write the headline, you read the copy.

JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn't. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain't got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB No, you can listen to who you want.

JK I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK No, no, no. I didn't want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB What? More important things?

JK What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.

SB You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.

JK I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.

SB It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.

JK I can't trust any of you.

Niall Hickman Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

NH But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK I'm not going to tell you anything. I don't understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

NH Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don't talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level ... [but] you will find some cunt that ...

Other journalist How long is your contract for Joe?

JK None of your business.

SB Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don't know ...

JK I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That's it finished. I don't know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He's trying to fucking hide, he's trying to do this or that.

There follows an exchange regarding the circumstances under which Kinnear had met the owner Mike Ashley and executive director (football) Dennis Wise.

Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun) We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Newcastle press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn't go outside.

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don't affect me I assure you. It'll be the last time I see you anyway. Won't affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don't trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain't coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I'm ridiculed for no reason. I'm defenceless. I can't get a point in, I can't say nothing, I can't do nothing, but I ain't going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I'm not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I've got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It's ongoing. It just doesn't stop.

Journalist It's only been a week.

JK Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Journalist It's early days for you to be like this.

JK No, I'm clearing the air. And this is the last time I'm going to speak to you. You want to know why, I'm telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Journalist But this isn't going to do you or us any good.

JK I'll speak to the supporters. I'm going to tell them what the story is. I'm going to tell them. I don't think they'll interpret it any different, I don't think they'll mix it up, I don't think they'll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me ... I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like "Well, that's a load of bollocks ..."

Journalist "Bollocks to that" is what you said.

JK Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?

Journalist That was it.

JK No it wasn't, no it wasn't. What was after it? I don't know if it was your paper, but what went after it?

Journalist I don't know.

JK It even had the cheek to say "bollocks to Newcastle".

Journalist I didn't write that.

JK That was my first fucking day. What does that tell you? What does that tell you?

Journalist Where was that? Which paper said that?

JK I've got it. I can't remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.

Journalist But you didn't say that to the Sundays, you said that to us. That was during the Monday press conference.

JK I'll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?

Journalist Are you saying that someone has reported you saying "bollocks to Newcastle?"

JK Yes. Lovely.

Journalist I don't know who's reported that.

JK I'll tell you what, I'll bring it in.

Journalist That's obviously going to damage you. That's not a good thing. But I don't think someone's done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.

JK So have I. But I haven't come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me. And if I'm not flavour of the month for you, it don't fucking bother me. I've got a job to do. And I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I'm not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts. And don't twist anything.

Journalist You know, you know the game ...

JK Of course I know, but I don't have to like it.

Journalist Today we'll print the absolute truth, that you think we're cunts, we can all fuck off and we're slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it'll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Much, much later after long discussions over whether Kinnear had promised Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan would be returning to the club

Press officer Let's get on to football. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it's wiped off and we're not discussing it.

Journalist But that's what Joe has said he thinks of us.

Press officer I'm saying don't push it. Let's accept what's been said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

PO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?

(Silence)

Journalist: Any knocks?

PO: Come on, let's go football.

Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How's the training going?

JK It's going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK Absolutely. I've loved every moment of it.

The Deuce's Patron Saint Returns

In case you missed it, Steelers resigned the patron saint of our site.

Ambiorix Burgos Is On A Rampage

New York Mets' pitcher Ambiorix Burgos is currently on a Grand Theft Auto like rampage. Down in the Dominican Republic, he is now being sought after by police for a hit and run where it is alleged that he hit and killed 2 women with his SUV. This is after the injured pitcher was arrested last month for allegedly throwing his girlfriend to the ground where he stands to possibly serve up to a year of jail time. Police have no idea where he is right now either.

Ambiorix is a one man wrecking crew. All he needs to do now is acquire some firearms and go on a random shooting spree and Rockstar Games will have a good storyline for "Grand Theft Auto V: Dominican Nights". Lets hope the cops can find him and whatever justice that can be served will be.

Another smart move by Omar Minaya bringing him in right there by the way, he totally deserves that extention doesnt he? Who did he trade to get him? Oh right, Brian Bannister!

Via ESPN

Hollis Thomas Loves Him Some Sponge Bob

We all remember this Fanhouse post featuring Hollis Thomas wearing this scary crazy Spongebob getup at some sort of event. No one was really sure what New Orleans Saints LB Hollis Thomas was thinking wearing that ensemble but apparently this outfit has something to do with Hollis having an irrational obsession with all things SpongeBob Square Pants. The good folks at Baller Alert got this awesome tidbit from an anonymous tipster:

To Whom It May Concern: Hollis Thomas is a 34 year old, 13 year NFL veteran. He is stubborn, lovable, & friendly. He is your typical NFL baller… however; he has a fetish with Spongebob. This man is obsessed with Spongebob. He sleeps on Spongebob sheets, rocks a Spongebob medallion on his necklace, and watches Spongebob during sex. His room is chalked full of everything Spongebob, he references Spongebob during his conversations!!! I think he once he gets a hold of something he refuses to let it go… the only thing he has been releasing lately is his receding hairline. I would call him weird but even weirdos have a method to their madness. You can catch him coloring Spongebob pictures with felt markers or playing a Spongebob game on one of his many gaming consoles. He wears Spongebob underwear like they are the latest pair of Calvin Klein’s.

Wow, ok, so the man watches Spongebob during sex and wears Spongebob underwear. Ok, well I guess all this might shed a little light on why he was wearing that outfit...the man is clearly insane.

Via Baller Alert

Why Does John Terry Hate Luther Vandross

When someone requests Luther, you don't say no. Hopefully JT will be haunted by the ghost of Fat Luther instead of Skinny Luther. You just don't see fat ghosts anywhere these days.

This Passes For Theatre In Minnesota

Deer Camp, a musical comedy about hunting, debuted last Wednesday at the Lowry Theatre in St. Paul...wait, let me say that again, a musical comedy?? Oh those wacky Minnesotans. Now that I think about it, I can't think of anything that brings to mind musical comedy more than 4 men in the woods, in a cabin, on a cold autumn weekend with their guns. Yeah, ok here's the writeup:

This laugh-out-loud musical follows the guys from Elmwood, MN on their annual hunting trip to deer camp where they do anything but hunt!

But this year is different; after 15 years of coming home with nothing but a hangover, the guys are under a threat from their wives to “get a deer or else.”

That means no more hunting trips if they come back empty handed again.

Wow that sounds like a laugh a minute to me! Think of all the fart jokes, the fun pranks they do when one passes out from too much booze, the shootings in the ass, the cornhole on the lawn, the unruly matches of euchre, the games of hide the sausage, trying not to get stabbed by the antlers...and I can go on with this. It all sounds like they might've found the sequel to Brokeback Mountain, "Brokeback Mountain 2: Deer Camp". This play is FULL of possibilities! How this hasn't garnered a national run is beyond me.

Lord knows that Broadway has run out of ideas, maybe this is the kind of out of the box thinking they need to bring some life to the theatre district...or not at all.

This hunter however, is not amused

Everybody Hate Starbury

Training camp is barely underway and Stephon Marbury is already causing headaches for everyone in Knick Land. You've already seen the reports of his Media Day comments. Now his teammates are struggling to find ways to say they want him gone.

..."I just feel like, I guess right now that's the story - if he's gonna be here or if he's not, or does he come off the bench if he is here and all that stuff. That's all fine and well, but we just need to focus more on winning games."

"We should be more focused on restoring order to the Knicks," [Jamal] Crawford said.

That can't happen, and won't happen, as long as No. 3 - "Coney Island's Finest," as the tattoo on his left biceps says - remains the center of the universe. "It's bigger than just one person, this organization," Crawford said.

Newsday's Ken Berger reports that coach Mike D'Antoni polled the team on Starbury and he lost in a landslide. They want him gone yesterday.

Berger already has Starbury praying for him so that means his mind is somewhere else already. Take the malcontent and add a little sciatica and we have the makings of another quality Knickerbocker season. This should end well for Knick haters such as myself.

Larry Brown Wastes No Time

Larry Brown has already started to take digs at the Bobcats roster and the guys who gave it to him, Michael Jordan and Rod Higgins.

"I'm concerned about who's going to be our third point guard. I'm concerned if we have a small forward that can guard," Brown said. "I'm concerned if we can find a power forward that can play..."

"When I got the job I told Michael and (GM) Rod (Higgins) that we needed three point guards that could bring the ball up against the press, one of them with size. We needed two small forwards that could defend. And we needed five big guys and try to make them as athletic as possible," Brown said.

So how does this roster mesh with what he wanted?

"I don't know if it does," Brown said. "We'll just have to wait and see how it plays out."

Yes, its true, Larry Brown has already thrown his bosses under a bus and training camps are barely starting. If the season goes south quick he will always be able to say that he wasn't given the roster that he wanted. He just gave himself an out to say, "Its not my fault we sucked, I told them what we needed to win."

The man can coach, we've all seen him coach up a team quite well, but he doesn't normally start burning bridges before a game gets played. Usually Larry saves that for much later in the season. Should be fun times in Charlotte this year.

Via Blue Ridge Now.com

Lamar Odom Asks Phil Jackson: Muthaf**ka Is You Crazy?

I don't know what you heard. Lamar don't play no six man. You betta ask somebody. Who said he was doin' that? Phil? Sheeeeit. I don't care if God Shammgod says it. Ain't no way that make it true! Word is born. God wants Lamar startin!

Lamar Odom feels quite strongly about his role with the Lakers this year. Phil Jackson said that Odom could end up as the sixth man this year. He's not having it.

"He must have woke up and bumped his head. He probably hit his head on something -- boom," Odom said about Jackson. "To start off like that, you've got to be out of your . . . mind."

Wait until his cellphone video where he talks shit about Phil and demands a trade to Memphis or Charlotte. He might even try to jump a Mini-Cooper or a pool full of angry koala bears. Will Odom be the West Coast Marbury? It's not clear whether he has the crazy but one can hope.

Your Fluorescent Bulbs Mean Nothing To Me!

This is hardcore sprinting on this Japanese gameshow. The guy has to run right through like 50 fluorescent bulbs and does so without flinching. Its certainly impressive to watch, especially in slow motion and boy is it a good thing he's wearing those goggles, not like those bulbs don't each contain a tiny amount of the neurotoxin mercury that he is breathing in while blasting through them or anything. Way to go smartguy!

Some Folk'll Never Wrestle A Pig But Then Again Some Folk'll

Stories like these make me ashamed to be from Maryland. Sorry, Murland.

Spring Meadow Farms in Baltimore Country held a pig wrestling jamboree this past weekend to the dismay of county officials and PETA. Owner Stan Dabkowski fought the power and held the event even though he was threatened with protests and county code violations.

Twenty groups of four-member teams took turns attempting to corral pigs and place them in a round, shallow water trough for a $150 prize. Each had 90 seconds to do so. Some were able to do it in as few as 25 seconds.

Let me say that I, for one, am offended. The pig is a wonderful, magical animal and unlike those who would disparage it, I find it to be quite halal and kosher. Oink vey indeed! What other animal gives us pork, sausage and bacon? It's a literal food factory and people are defiling it for their pleasure. Let us not even speak about their intelligence. If the pig had opposable thumbs, I would be wary of facing it in a game of backgammon. If the pig could speak, I would love to discuss Wittgenstein, Heidegger and the Marquis de Sade with the pig over said game of backgammon. Instead some yokels force the pigs into corrals for their amusement and don't even partake in their sweet, sweet deliciousness. For shame! Save the salted meats! I'm furious. I'm gonna go complain to my purents.

Ozzie Guillen Will Send Himself Into Exile If The White Sox Don't Make The Playoffs

It's unbelievable that Ozzie Guillen would come this far only to let evil win now. Of course, we're talking about the evil that is Jay Mariotti. The terrorists will win if Guillen follows through on his threat to leave town.

Guillen will exile himself from Bartertown otherwise known as Chicago if the White Sox don't make the playoffs.

"If we lose this thing, I'm going to ask [Chairman] Jerry Reinsdorf to give me the private plane," Guillen said Saturday.

"I don't have the guts to look at the people's faces in O'Hare Airport or Midway after this season.

"Then I won't have to see anyone in the airport and feel embarrassed or disappointed. I can get to Miami, where nobody really knows the White Sox. I will be embarrassed and I will be disappointed about seeing the people in the airport, seeing their faces, because we let them down."

Miami really is the equivalent to the gulag or desert wasteland when it comes to sports. Maybe Ozzie was thinking of Cuba Jr. when he smashed pictures in his office after Friday's loss. Carlos Quentin decided he wanted to smash too. Too bad he ended his season prematurely when he broke his wrist after "accidentally slamming his right wrist on the top of his bat after fouling off a pitch".

Ozzie also discussed White Sox fans showing their displeasure on Friday and Saturday by booing the team.

"Sometimes when I hear those things I say, 'I wish [I was] in Caracas (Venezuela) right now,' because then my boys would be right behind [me]. But I don't blame them.

Maybe he should bring his boys to Chicago. If anyone gives him shit in O'Hare or Midway, his boys could get all Chavista and beat that ass like James Joyce on a red-headed stepchild.**


**Do people even saying that anymore? What's so bad about a red-headed stepchild? I could understand if it was that annoying red-headed kid from Diff'rent Strokes. Mr. Horton should have molested him instead of Dudley. I'm such a poser for mentioning Joyce on a sports blog. I'll donkey punch myself to make up for it.

If You Have A Problem, If No One Else Can Help And If You Can Find Him Maybe You Can Hire Face's Son

The spawn of the A-Team's Dirk Benedict is running loose in England. Shady land grabbers beware.

Roland Benedict, son of Dirk, is on trial with English League Two outfit Gillingham. The Daily Mail claims that "the six-footer made a name for himself on the college basketball circuit last year." That would be pretty sweet if it were true. Too bad it's not.

Face Jr. just graduated from high school. He was going to attend the University of the Redlands but decided to give English soccer a shot.

Face must think Colonel Decker can't go international. How he underestimates the long arm of the USMP.

Goodnight, White Chocolate. We'll miss the highly erratic, frustrating yet fascinating play from your early career as well as your love and appreciation of the Asian persuasion.

Tommy Lasorda Host The San Francisco Italian-American Parade? Fuhgedaboutit

Tommy Lasorda better get ready to assume the position pictured above. If San Francisco County Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier gets her way, Lasorda will be bounced out of his position as Grand Marshal of the San Francisco Italian-American Parade.

Alioto-Pier wants a "local Italian-American" like Joe Montana or Barry Zito to have the honor of leading the parade.

"We can't have Tommy Lasorda come to San Francisco for the Italian American parade," she told the [San Francisco Chronicle]. "He's like enemy No. 1 right now. If you don't think this is important, you should move to L.A."

Now that's reppin' your hood. However I'm not sure Barry Zito is the right move unless he's on a float honoring massive wastes of money. That's about as worthwhile as a float of when Tony saw Angela in the shower on Who's The Boss. Who does more damage to the Giants? Lasorda or Zito. Zito's enemy #1 by a long shot. Perhaps he should sleep with the sharks in the bay. An Italian problem deserves an Italian response.

Perhaps surprisingly, many readers choosing to comment on the story enthusiastically backed Lasorda. "Want a great meal in North Beach? Ask Tommy where to go, not Alioto dash blankyblank," wrote one. Penned another: "Tommy Lasorda is all about being Italian and enjoying great food. Zito will be booed and Montana would never come."

Low expectation having muthafuckas. How about Tony Siragusa as a compromise? He may not live in the Bay area but he did try to take Rich Gannon's head off in a playoff game. The Raiders play in the Bay Area. San Francisco's in the Bay Area. Three degrees of separation. No problem. Do it.

Grand Opening, Grand Closing

Check please.

It looks like the Mets are starting to adopt the Gestapo tactics favored by Yankees security.

"My time with Mr. Miller was cut short by a security guard, who called other security guards who surrounded me and took my Mets press pass away for speaking to people in the stands, which they said was a no-no. They walked me to an exit and told me to wait while they called the Mets’ public relations office. They came back and told me the spokesman said that interviews with fans or employees were off limits."

Via Fark by way of The New York Times.


Update: How could I leave a post about the Mets without saying anything about Sunday?


See you in Port St. Lucie next February!

Barca And Espanyol Make For Hot Times In The City

The Barca-Espanyol derby may not be as well known as Inter-Milan, Boca-River Plate or Celtic-Rangers however you can bet the Barcelona face-off is big time in Spain. I'm not sure why I listed Celtic-Rangers. The Guardian's Barry Glendenning once described the Scottish derby as "two pygmies fighting over who's taller".

The latest edition of the Barcelona derby kicked off on Saturday with the two teams battling it out on the pitch while their supporters got it on in the stands. The match was stopped after flares were thrown onto Espanyol supporters in the lower deck of Espanyol's Olympic Stadium and all hell broke loose. In case you don't think that's a big deal, check this video from an Espanyol supporters section. Start at :40. You also get a bonus Spanish lesson. Use it at your local bodgea, cockfight or amateur midget rodeo and make new friends!



The match resumed and Barca pulled back two goals against 10-man Espanyol for a 2-1 win.

I don't know why the fans are getting so worked up. It's not like someone tried to throw a scooter on them from the upper deck Milan-style. Seriously, that's some scary shit right there.

Years ago I was at a Brazilian derby match in Belo Horizonte which pitted Cruzeiro against Atletico Mineiro. Consider that I started the day walking into an Atletico bar wearing Cruziero colors. Sometimes playing the stupid American saves your life. So does leaving with utmost haste. The stadium itself had a moat surrounding the field to keep fans out and we were blocked in our section Yankee-Gestapo style by military police with german shepards. Some of the scenes from the upper deck were terrifying yet amazing. Police dogs and batons on fans, flares flying, people pissing where they stood and fighting. However there was also incredible camaraderie, endless singing and chanting as well as new levels of inebriation I didn't know were possible.

Would I do it again? In a second. A big time derby is something every soccer fan should try to do in their lifetime. LA Galaxy vs. Chivas USA does not count. Think about it as a Soccer Hajj with multiple destination options. Just try to avoid the flares and flying bags of piss whenever you get where you end up.

Matt Millen is finally gone but Detroit is still losing its damn mind.

Hey Look Everybody! It's Enrico Palazzo

Yeah I know. We went with the obvious on this one but that's how we always do.

If you're going to impersonate someone at their place of employment, it's probably good to pick a place where the employees aren't recognizable. Someone should given Ronald Higgins that nugget before he decided to steal a Dodgers uniform at Dodger Stadium and impersonate a player.

Higgins was nailed after being seen on the field "holding a glove with two balls". Take that as you will.

Higgins allegedly identified himself as a Dodgers player, but the guard recognized him from an earlier incident and called police.

Prosecutors say Higgins' clothes were later found in the bat boys' locker room. It was not immediately clear where he got the uniform.

Several things. First, I hope he really identified himself as "Dodgers Player" when asked about his identity.

"Hey what the hell are you doing? Who are you?"

"Why I'm Mann ... I mean Dodgers Player. I just got called up from ... from ... um the Pasadena 405s. Yeah that's it."

Second, what the hell were his clothes doing in the bat boys' locker room? Did he get his uniform from there? Did he try to squeeze into a small uniform that said Batboy on the back? "Oh my full name is Dodgers Player Batboy. I seem to have had an overnight growth spurt."

Maybe we shouldn't be too hard on Higgins. He's more harmless than that crazy guy who jacks subway trains and buses. If he was impersonating a Mets player, Jerry Manuel would probably throw him in the bullpen. He'd probably have a higher batting average than Andruw Jones. He'd definitely cost less. He should go to DC and impersonate a Nats player. They need all the help they can get.