Through Rain, Sleet, Snow Or Cheap Political Ploy, Philly Fans Always Deliver

"America's #1 Hockey Mom" probably thought her children would act as a shield. Sheeeeit, you betta ask somebody.



That's cold but that's how Philly do. Did they really think it would go any other way? I'm sure no one noticed the attempt to drown out the boos by turning up the music. Too bad Flyers owner and McCain supporter Ed Snider couldn't block out the Obama/Biden signs in the crowd.

Let this episode be a lesson to team owners who insist on shoving their politics down the throat of the fan. You too will fail especially if you live in Philadelphia.


UPDATE: By the time Palin dropped the puck Saturday night, she was used to the boos. She had been getting them since 3:35 PM that afternoon.

Chris Iwelumo, You Sir Are A Buffoon

Def Leppard May Be Able To Armageddon It But They're Not Really Gettin' It

Put the Stanley Cup upside down? That's a paddlin'.

If you're a hockey fan and you're not reading Puck Daddy, you're sleeping. You're missing brilliance such as the following story which shows why rehearsal is so important.


** Drummer Rick Allen was arrested for beating his wife years ago. Couldn't she have avoided it if she just ran in circles around him? He only has a right arm. What? I've never hit a woman and now I'm the asshole?

No Sex In The Champagne Room And No Politics In The Locker Room

Browns coach Romeo Crennel is in a state of panic. His team sucks again, Derek Anderson has lost it and Brady Quinn can't seem to keep his mind on football between online dating and endorsing crazy old men for president. He had to draw the line somewhere and he decided on politics.

The Chicago Tribune reports that Crennel has asked players to keep politics out of the locker room in order to maintain team unity. After all, one can't expect people to have differing political opinions and manage to maintain some sense of order and decorum.

"Politics are their politics as long as they don't interfere with the team," Crennel said Thursday. "That's my main concern, that they don't get on a soap box in the locker room and get it going back and forth about a particular candidate against another candidate. That's why the ballot is a secret ballot when you go vote."

Never mind that the Redskins seem to be able to handle political discussion in the locker room without WWIII breaking out. Crennel better be careful before people start calling him out for making Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X. According to Dave Chappelle, keeping your politics quiet is a white thing.

"White people do not like to talk about their policial affiliations. Its a secret. You ask a white guy who's he votin for, like 'Hey Bob, who you gonna vote for?' 'Dave! Dave, woah, woah woah. Take it easy. So I was fuckin my wife in her ass, right? And let me tell you, it was something else.' 'Yeah yeah, but who are you gonna vote for?' 'DAVE! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife in the ass, and you're asking me all these personal questions.' "

Let's not be too judgmental. Crennel is trying to avoid the potential meltdown which has been known to happen. We've see what happens when certain political issues such as the military come up in a locker room.



They serve with honor. It's kill or be killed. It's understandable why soldiers feel as strongly as they do about war. Express yourself, Kellen.

Mascot Grand National: Best Idea Ever?

I don't know how you feel about it but I'm still against putting a potential $700 billion towards a bailout of Wall Street. There are more pressing issues that need to be addressed such as primary education, Darfur and an American version of the Mascot Grand National.

The Mascot Grand National is a race in England that pits mascots against each other in a hurdle race at the Huntingdon Racecourse. The 2008 version took place this past Sunday. Hopefully some better video will be posted soon but this should do in the meantime.



Arsenal mascot Theo Walcott opened this year's race. "The England international took time out of his training schedule to be pictured with Hugo The Hound, Gunnersaurus and Sedge The Field Mouse..." That's about right.

I vote Yay for putting tax dollars towards mascot races and feats of strength.

Don't touch John McCain at the craps table. He might get a 'Nam flashback. This time, he was possessed by Gamblor.

Kevin Youkilis Needs To Get Over Himself

There's nothing sports fans love more than hypocrites. It's also interesting to see that the Red Sawx have reached a point where they've stopped being "idiots" and become uptight, self-righteous douchebags like a certain team in the South Bronx. Now there's another reason to hate the Red Sox besides their fans.

Youk has a problem with the Tampa Bay Rays and their dancers. He should get together with Goose Gossage so they can bitch about how smiling and high fives are a sign that players don't have respect anymore.

"It's unprofessional in a lot of ways," Youkilis said before a Red Sox workout yesterday at Tropicana Field. "People dancing on top of the dugout in between innings is OK, but during the game . . . It's a different atmosphere from New York and Boston."

Don't forget about the refreshing freedom from spectator douchebaggery that one finds in New York and Boston. It is different and that's not such a bad thing. As much as one hated the Sox, they were a refreshing alternative from the "stick up the ass" attitude of the Yankees. Guess that's over. I suppose they'll come back to the dancers if they drop the series.

Keep in mind that these comments are coming from the team that once reveled in being seen as "idiots" and not giving a damn. It's nice to see that Youk finally cares about professionalism. Too bad he never did when a certain unnamed player on his team constantly showed signs of unprofessionalism and apathy. Maybe he should be more concerned about fans blowing their load in the stands over Coco Crisp. Droppin' loads!! Was it as good for Coco as it was for this assclown?

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Roof Skating Not A Good Idea

Much thanks Blaze

Don't Be Suprised If You See Diego Maradona Playing In The Mexican Minors

A drug-dealing soccer team? It seems like the premise for a movie or tv drama that should star Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez, a soccer team-owning drug baron. It could also just be another day in Mexico.

Seven players on the Mapaches de Nueva Italia Raccoons soccer team were arrested for "alleged ties to drug traffickers". One player was linked to the drug cartel "La Familia" which is based in one of the most violent states in Mexico. La Familia has nothing to do with Jay-Z or Roc-A-Fella as much as they would like that.

Once word of the Raccoons gets out, players from all over the world will be rushing to Michoacan. Mark Bosnich in goal, Rio Ferdinand and Abel Xavier in the back. Imagine Maradona and Adrian Mutu up front. Yeah Maradona's heart could explode at any second but it'll be fun while it lasts. The Mexican Third Division won't know what hit it. All they'll need is a Tony Montana-like chairman and some WAGs. Now that's a telenovela for the ages. Think of Scarface crossed with Footballers Wives. Can't you see a drug-addled Maradona saying "Her womb is so polluted, I can't even have a fuckin' little baby with her!"? Salma Hayek throws a glass of Don Julio in his face and screams, "Fuck you, Gordo!" as she storms out of the restaurant. Fuck TNT. We know drama.

The Dallas Cowboys Say Vote Early And Vote Often

We've heard the stories of Lyndon Johnson jacking ballot boxes to win an election but we figured the days of blatant election stealing were over unless you're talking about "voter fraud" which really means disenfranchising voters.

The Dallas Cowboys would make Papa Daley proud. Actually ACORN would as the Dallas Cowboys have nothing to do with the voter registration shenanigans in Nevada. ACORN's offices were raided after Nevada accused them of submitting fradulent voter registration forms. You might recognize some of the newly registered Nevada voters. Tony Romo. Terrell Owens. Pacman Jones. Ok, fine. He wasn't on there. That would have been a dead giveaway.

“Tony Romo is not registered to vote in the state of Nevada, and anybody trying to pose as Terrell Owens won’t be able to cast a ballot on Nov. 4,” said Secretary of State Ross Miller, referring to star players on the pro football team.

According to the Star-Telegram, the fraudulent forms included the names of the Dallas Cowboys starting lineup. T.O. cried when he heard he wasn't going to be able to vote 18-20 times. God wanted to show his glory through a great T.O. performance on Election Day. You just don't understand him and what he means to voting.

Remind me to invite Birdman to my next birthday party.

Adam Jones: Regular Like You In Your Bowel Moving Prime

Well that didn't take long. What can be said about the one they call Pacman this time? At least he didn't get into it at the strip club? I suppose that's a start.

Pacman could be in some trouble unless the Cowboys cover up his latest altercation Michael Irvin-style. CBS11 in Dallas and Pro Football Talk report that Pacman was involved in a scrap at a Dallas hotel. The Dallas station calls the Tuesday night incident a "violent confrontation". Allegedly it was between Pacman and a member of his security detail.

Sources say police were called after Jones argued with one of his own bodyguards. By the time police arrived he was headed back inside the hotel and patrons could clearly hear a fight going on in the bathroom.

That fight was allegedly between 'Pacman' Jones and a member of his security detail. Security inside the hotel allegedly pulled the two apart. At least one mirror was broken in the confrontation.

Sources say Jones went outside and left the hotel without paying his tab. He was reportedly with a woman who drove the two away from the scene.

Strangely enough, there was no police report. That's how you circle the wagons, Dallas. It's a time honored tradition in the Execution State. Anyway, Pacman's going to do as Pacman does. If Shammgod can't go to the mountain, the mountain will just have to come to Shammgod. You can't keep Pacman away from beef forever. He's gotta have it like Pookie.

Maybe the Bengals should sign Pacman's bodyguard. He got to Pacman way more than Ocho Cinco.


UPDATE: The Bengals would probably have to give up too high a draft pick to get the bodyguard because he's already down with America's Team. PFT's Mike Florio has a league source who says the bodyguard "was an off-duty police officer who has been hired by Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to babysit Pacman".

The source says that the problem started because the babysitter popped off to Jones’ female companion. Jones, who had been drinking, then started up with the guy, and it culminated in a scuffle.

Jones, we’re told, had marks on his face at practice on Wednesday.

This keeps getting better. Only if the source knew what the bodyguard said to Pacman's lady friend. Maybe he told Pacman's bitch that he still felt that she owed him some sex.


CBS11 TV via Pro Football Talk.

Female Rays Fans Getting Mohawks Too...Down There

That's right, for women out there who want to get in on the "Rayhawk" craze that is sweeping all of Tampa Bay in support of their Rays playoff run, there is a way to show their support...a little more discretely...and much to the joy of their significant others. The Rayhawk bikini wax has become a popular way for women to show their team support:

Michelle Foster of Skin Deep Spatique in St. Petersburg says she was inspired by her son's Mohawk, "I stopped and thought about it a minute, and thought, well now everyone can have one!"

But, it's not exactly pain-friendly. Team pride comes with a little sacrifice.

Women wince. They cry. They even scream.

It's a bit of a shock to the system as hot wax is spread onto the skin with a spatula, while an aesthetician stands by with a white piece of cloth, ready to rip off the wax. When all is said and done, women are left with a female Rayhawk.

Michelle says the response has been crazy. She chuckled and told us, "It's fun. Now us ladies have a way of participating."

It seems to be making a lot of men happy, Michelle says, as women come home with what she calls a big "surprise."

I, for one, hope people take notice of this trend here in DC. With the Redskins starting out 4-1, I think all of us men should shave our heads bald to support our team. Women...you may shave whatever you want accordingly. Oh yes.

Via Tampa Bays 10

Philadelphia Flyers make pathetic MAVERICK!! attempt to appeal to ignorant, glue huffing hockey moms. One can only hopMAVERICK!! the Philly fans do their usMAVERICK!! and give her a Michael Irvin-style welcome. The booing, that is. Then again, I don't think MAVERICK!! many would be upset if this ended up happening. MAVERICK!!

Washington State Football: Anyone Can Do It

Tough times in Cougar Country. Fortunately we're not talking about 40+ women. They're still there and fine as far as we know. We're talking about Pullman, the home of Washington State. Their QB situation is so dire, they had to have open tryouts this week.

QBs Kevin Lopina and Kevin Rogers are out due to injury so coach Paul Wulff was forced to hold tryouts this week. Some kid named Peter Roberts won the job but he has a long way to go. Wulff still doesn't know his name.

...I don't know his name," Wulff said Tuesday. "We went through a series of 29 kids who went through it. He's a good kid. He's a kid from the state of Washington. He's a two-year starter at Woodinville High School."

Roberts won't actually start ... for now. He'll run the scout team as the third-string QB and two freshmen backups are lining up to be injured.


This Roberts kid has Shane Falco written all over him. He still needs to get past three other QBs. Jeff Gillooly showed us one path to glory and Brooke Langton. However he might also consider paying off USC and Arizona State to "sweep some legs" if you will. USC are already paid like professionals so it might be tough coming up with the money but any team coached by Dennis Erickson can be bought off.

Smack the coach on the ass? That's a stabbin'.

Mike & Mike Can't Get Enough Of Themselves

Mike & Mike In The Morning on ESPN Radio is one of the worst radio shows known to have ever existed on your radio dial. Its a fact, look it up. If you've ever been forced to listen to their drivel, you've surely noticed that Mike Greenberg has an annoying habit of saying the name of the show "Mike & Mike In The Morning" every single opportunity he can. Its one of the most irksome things about the show and makes me want to rip off my ears and plug the bloody ear holes in my head with the very ears I just ripped off...or just change the station. Whatever.

The point is, we know what the show is, stop saying it every minute! Anyway, one enterprising listener of the Big O & Dukes show here in Washington DC isolated every instance of "Greeny" saying Mike & Mike or Mike & Mike in the morning from one randomly selected show. The result? He says it 72 times...72 freaking times he said it in a 4 hour show. Minus Sportscenter breaks and commercial breaks, they're really just filling about 2 hours worth of air time with their voices, does it need to be said 72 times in 120 minutes? Don't believe it? Watch it. Its hilarious.

Via Big O and Dukes Show

I Can Haz Revolution?

Start eliminating the monkeys now. Giving them access to our food and drink supplies is just as good as signing our own death warrant. Leave it to the Japanese to roll over for animals like monkeys or monsters like Godzilla and Rodan.



It's all cute until one of those patrons gets the poisonous blowfish. At that point, it'll be too late and all will be lost. The monkeys will finally make monkeys out of us.

Mike Mussina back to Baltimore? Get off the pipe. How about some Teixeira and/or Burnett? Maybe the O's can get David Wells, Armando Benitez and Esteban Yan back while they're at it. I'm sure Jeff Reboulet is available. That's a bit much. I can't speak ill of Reboulet. His name does sound like Goulet and he had (and still could have) a strong moustache.

Idiot ideas like this are the kind of thinking that allowed Cal to stick around past his "sell by" date.

At Least This One Wasn't Sage Rosenfels' Fault

People are still in disbelief about the Texans collapse against the Colts. Some even think Sage blew it on purpose. We won't go there. St. Paul Johnson High feels the Texans' pain. They were the victims of a ridiculous comeback thanks to some lucky play and a shit secondary.

FoxPreps.com brings us the insanity from the end of the game. St. Paul Central was down 18-6 with five seconds left in the 4th. In the words of George Michael, let's go to the tape.



That corner should get a code red for that play. It's surprising that he didn't call for a fair catch on the second touchdown. Now that I think about it, Johnson's defense looked like the 2003-2004 Packers defense when they had Al Harris and Ahmad Carroll. 4th and 26 anybody?


FoxPreps.com via Fark.

Ask Yourself Men...Is It Worth It?

This guy saw opportunity square in the face and said yes...then he saw nothing but pain.

S**t Kits, Part Deux

Now that Who Ate All The Pies is offline, we figure we should do our part to keep the Shit Kits feature going. First up, Stade Francais.

Why Don't Plaxico Call Nobody Back?

"My emotions were that they suspended me. That was the decision they chose to do. I'll take it at that. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. I got me some rest and was able to get away for a while and chill out and relax."
--Plaxico Burress on his suspension

Plaxico Burress is a man after Emmitt Smith's heart. He may get it if he keeps giving lines like that. However Emmitt better be careful because he's a "fuck 'em and leave 'em" kinda guy. A man with no remorse.

Burress returned to practice and made it clear he could care less that he was suspended by the Giants.

“I haven’t lost any sleep. I am in great spirits. I enjoyed my week off. My team went out and played great yesterday without me. It was good to see the guys go out there and play well.”

Tom Coughlin and the players must love a team attitude like that. Something tells us this won't be the last time this happens. The Giants receiver claimed that he had a situation, had to see a man about a horse or had to go see about something. Maybe it was taking his son to school or maybe it was beatin' muthafuckas like Ike beat Tina. Either way he didn't call to inform the team or return calls as they tried to track him down.

The Giants shouldn't feel too bad. They weren't the only ones not getting any love from Burress. Epic Car and Truck Rental can't get him on the phone either. He allegedly returned a rental car after hours with damage and never reported it. He paid about a grand towards the damage but still owes $1759. He claimed Allstate as his insurance company but when contacted, they told the rental company that Burress doesn't have policy with them.

A third-party administrator finally called Giants Director of Player Development Charles Way after several unsuccessful attempts to contact Burress. Way's response when asked about getting hold of Burress was "Man, I'm trying".

Maybe the Klondike 5-4385 number Burress gave them and the Giants should have been a clue.

Goal Of The Week

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is better than you this week. Check out this amazing back heel against Bologna from this past weekend.

Barrel Full Of Monkeys Plus Drunk Football Players Adds Up To A Great Night

If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that a barrel of monkeys is always a good time but a night at the Monkey Barrel is always sure to lead to trouble. Just ask the Salisbury State football team.

Several players including one called Gooch were arrested after a brawl at the Monkey Barrel. The five players were picking fights with people in the bar all night and when the cops finally arrived, there were "several fights in the parking lot and one of the players, Justin Sykes, 22, hit an officer as he was being arrested".

If the bar actually had a barrel of monkeys to sic on the football players when trouble started, this whole situation could have been avoided and the bar patrons could have been entertained by a chimpdown of epic proportions. Chimptastic.

This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

This one time I'm at the club, right. We're chilling, having a good time, and everything is cool until I accidentally spill my drink on this guy. He is comically short. We're talking like 5'2". Pre-Jackman Wolverine short. I've got 8 inches and at least 120 pounds on this guy, but I'm a gentleman, see, and even though I tower over this guy like the Colossus of Rhodes I make an apology.

The less-than-tall gentleman does not accept my apology, though, and starts to spew invective at me that would make a Hunters Point streetwalker blush. I continue to express my regret at this unfortunate turn of events while he continues to get angrier and angrier at me for the earth-shattering crime of spilling a screwdriver on his fake Versace clothing, which I assume came from the children's line.

After putting up with this for a solid 90 seconds I finally ditch my gentlemanly facade and say, "look, I said I'm sorry, and I am sorry, but what the fuck are you going to do about it?"

At this point the vertically challenged gentleman plucks a telescoping steel baton out of nowhere and proceeds to beat the everloving shit out of me.

I finally feel I can relate this tale because now I know I have a kindred spirit. After all, getting your ass kicked by Kylie Minogue's shorter, more effeminate brother has to feel an awful lot like getting outcoached by JIM FUCKING ZORN.

Seriously? Seriously? Jim Zorn? Are you kidding me? ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KIDDING ME?

Hey, Andy, here's a thought: when you have a 14-point lead in a football game, your job is to eat clock. Nothing else. NOTHING FUCKING WELL ELSE! You run the ball on first and second down and then maybe - MAYBE! - try a little dink and dunk on 3rd and short to get the first down. Hell, if you've got, let's say, the best running back in the National Football League you might even run it again on third down. You might even break off a big play or, god forbid, a touchdown!

You do this to keep the chains moving, and - this is the important part here, Andy - EAT THE FUCKING CLOCK! Because, Andy, when you have a 14-point lead in the first three minutes of a football game the only thought in your gigantic cantaloupe head SHOULD be, "short of relativistic time dilation, which the speed of a Donovan McNabb pass could possibly generate (illustrated below), how can I end this game as quickly as possible?"


The way you do that, Andy, is you RUN THE FUCKING FOOTBALL! You have Brian Westbrook. You have DeSean Jackson. You have that stupid fucking "ghost around" play that, hey, remember that time you actually GAVE it to Jackson last week instead of faking it for the 9 billionth time and he broke it off for like 30 yards? You have these things at your disposal, Andy. You do not use them.

You do not use them because unfortunately for everyone everywhere, but most especially those of us who are both a) Eagles fans and b) not anencephalic silverbacks, the only thought lurking inside that fleshy basketball atop your neck is, "footballs flying through the air are pretty, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" This thought is sometimes closely followed by, "hey, Donovan looks sad. I wonder why. I bet making him throw the ball 584,871 more times will cheer him up! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

You had an eminently winnable football game and you coached yourself right out of it. You let yourself get beat by Jim Zorn! What, did you think he was Max Zorin from A View to a Kill and you got scared because you thought you were up against a second-rate Bond villain? No! Jim Zorn. Jim fucking Zorn. You managed to put in a shittier coaching performance than JIM FUCKING ZORN.

Kylie's little brother is coming for you, Andy, and he's got a Cobra with your name all fucking over it.

God's Glory Vessel Criticizes Possession Receiver And Other Goodness From Dallas

When Terrell Owens isn't busy spreading God's glory like herpes, he likes to take time out of his busy day to hate on possession receivers. Wayne Chrebet and Brian Finneran better watch out. They could be next after T.O. finishes with Keyshawn Johnson.

Tim McMahon of the Dallas Morning News has all kinds of goodness from Irving after yesterday's game between the Cowboys and Bengals. T.O. claims that he's the reason Johnson is on ESPN Sunday mornings instead of getting ready to play.

"He is the ultimate underachiever on that panel," Owens told reporters in Dallas before reminding them that he's the reason Johnson is no longer playing in the NFL. "Everybody is aware when I was brought to Dallas he was the one they let go to get me here."

Johnson must not have been able to spread glory like T.O. In case anyone forgot, he reminded the press after today's win over the Bengals.

"God used me today for his glory," T.O. said in conclusion. "Reality is where glory resides. That's all I've got to say."

T.O. wasn't the only receiver talking nonsense after today's game. Mr. Ocho Cinco was busy backpedaling and throwing out blame for his crap performance. He said Pacman was "going to get it"on Sunday.

"I don't have a choice. I don't have a choice," he said. "Somebody tell Pacman or Adam or whatever the hell he wants to be called -- he is going to get it. Anthony Henry, he's going to get it."

Three receptions and 43 yards later, Ocho Cinco was backin' that ass up like Juvenile. He claimed that he never intended to kiss the star because he had "too much respect for "Dallas, Mr. Jones and the organization". He was just trying to pump himself up. He must have read Boys Will Be Boys between his original comments and today's game. How could you not respect game like that?

Jim Zorn Is Real Good At The Rope-A-Dope

Old and Busted:
Da New Hotness:
Don't be mad Eagles fans, your team played a good game, you just fell for the oldest trick in the book, the rope-a-dope. Kidding of course, no way the Redskins wanted to be down 14 points with 7 minutes left in the 1st quater but 23 consecutive points will certainly make a team look a lot better after that kind of start. Lets face it though, if the Eagles could just manage one yard in the 4th quarter like the Redskins did (on 4th down i might add) it would've been an entirely different game...but they didn't, so suck it up. Game over, 23-17, Redskins. 4-1 vs. 2-2. Who runs the West Coast offense now, huh punks?

You can whine all you want about your team blowing a 14 point lead, but those 14 points happened in the first 8 minutes of the game. Too bad the game is 60 minutes long. I've heard complaints that the Eagles didn't run the ball enough and should have "run out the clock" after being spotted 14 points in the 1st half of the 1st quarter. The truth is the Eagles tried to run the ball, they just couldn't do it successfully. The Eagles often ran on 1st down (until the 4th quarter) and were unsuccessful most times they did so. By creating 2nd and 3rd downs with long yardage needed the Eagles were forced to throw the ball to create offense. Sadly for the Eagles, neither their offensive scheme nor personnel are set up to consistently get large chunks of yardage through the air, especially against a team with so many experienced defensive backs like the Redskins.

Westbrook was averaging 2.8 yards a carry on the ground, off his career average of 4.7 a carry, and obviously was hurting from this chest and ankle. To rely on him, in hindsight, was folly. The Redskins D kept the 'skins in the game after getting shocked on the 1st drive of the game by stopping the run, creating difficult 2nd and 3rd downs to convert, thus rendering the Eagles dink and dunk passing game ineffective.

As useless as the Eagles offense was on the ground, the real culprit here was that the Eagles D just didn't do what they had to do to win which was disrupt the QB and stop the run. They only registered 1 sack and they recorded 0 interceptions or fumbles. This is a D that thrives off of pressure and the turnovers that result from it and they didn't do a good enough job of getting to the QB to make their pressure result in turnovers. When you apply pressure and it doesn't work, usually you give up some points.

That and their double covering of Santana Moss left Chris Cooley wide freakin open the entire game. Did no one on that coaching staff think to cover the Pro Bowl tight end? That wasn't Zorn's play calling so much as the Eagles forgetting the Redskins had a TE who could catch a ball. As for stopping the run, were they so concentrated on Zorn's efficient passing scheme that they also forgot the Redskins had Clinton Portis back there? He ran wild, 145 yards on 29 carries, 5 yards a carry, including runs of 21 and 27 yards. Those breakdowns on the Eagles defense resulted in the Redskins being able to move the ball down the field quite consistently throughout the game.

Basically, when a team runs the ball efficiently, stops the run effectively, controls the time of possession and doesn't turn the ball over, that team stands a good chance of winning. The Redskins did all that with excellent plays and play calling on offense and defense. It wasn't just Jim Zorn, it was Jim Zorn and Greg Blache who put the players in position to suceed on both sides of the ball, so any rantings about Zorn have to include Blache as well, the man is coaching a great defense right now. You must give a lot of credit to Andy Reid, Jim Johnson and offensive play caller Marty Mornhinweg however, for playing right into the Redskins schemes on both side of the ball...at least after the 1st half of the 1st quarter. Suckers.

Can I say it again? 4-1! Who woulda thunk it? Not me...seriously.

2008 USA Rock Paper Scissors Championship Tonight

Thats right, the 2008 USA Rock Paper Scissors Championship will be broadcast tonight, on tape, on Fox Sports Net at 9pm, 11pm, and 12:30am, but check your local listings. Be sure to watch as Chris Rose and my main man, Master Roshambollah, give commentary for the $50,000 event. Be there and be square.

America Jr. Is Ruining Hockey Night In Canada For North America

Hockey Night In Canada will finally be shown here in the US. Ooh that's good. However they're changing the theme song. Ooh that's bad.

HNIC will be finally be shown on the NHL Network which is great news for hockey fans in the US. For you non-hockey fans, we're talking about the Canadian broadcast of hockey games and not Principal Joe Clark. Then again maybe he could co-host Coaches Corner with Don Cherry instead of Ron MacLean. Imagine the two of them locking horns. I should be the black Don Cherry this Halloween now that I think about it. Call me Black Cherry. Sorry, I digress.


The CBC is also making some big changes for the new season like broadcasting games in Punjabi for starters. The most blasphemous change is the new theme song. HNIC has been known for its theme song in the same way that we recognize the old The NFL Today or NBA on NBC theme songs. The official story is that the CBC couldn't reach an agreement with the copyright holders.

"Every brand needs to be a little refreshed," [CBC Sports Executive Director Scott] Moore said in a telephone interview. "It needs to get a little younger, it needs to get a little more relevant every year.

Instead of imposing a new HNIC theme song on the masses, CBC has decided to hold a contest and let the public vote for the new theme on a show called Anthem Challenge. The contest is down to five semifinalists. You can listen to them here. We'll leave it up to you to decide whether they're worthy but the original is still the best.

Iconic theme songs don't necessarily need to get younger or fresher. How often is the new theme song better than the old one when it comes to the great ones? There's no question that a large part of the appeal of a theme song is nostalgia especially when it comes to sports. Compare the NBA on NBC theme song with the crap that is the NBA on ABC or Monday Night Football. This Hank Williams/Pink/Rob Thomas bullshit is absurd. Faith Hill doesn't get me hyped up to watch football. This does.

What do you think of when you think of basketball on NBC? Roundball Rock and the great Bulls run. ABC? Shit songs you can't stand forced down your throat in order to appeal to people who really don't care about the game. Those tranny Pussycat Dolls? Rob Thomas? Who's next? Michael Buble? Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute? I'm not going to front. The John Tesh joint was hot but how often does that happen?

Anyway, it just sucks that the theme song is changing but if it means we get to watch Hockey Night in America, I'll take it.


It's just good to have hockey back.


** In case you were wondering, hockey also proves that violence does pay.

Karma's A Cold Bitch When You're In The CFL

You'd think playing in the CFL is enough punishment for doing something bad in a previous life or just not being very good at all. Apparently that wasn't enough for former Argos QB Kerwin Bell.



Football to the groin! It works on so many levels.

Ronaldo Outed By Telenovela Star?

Poor Ronaldo. Manchester United is stuck in 8th place in the league and he can't get no play from the girls for free anymore. What's worse for him is that he can't get them because they think he's gay.

The chicken tikka colored midfielder struck out with a Colombian telenovela star after she resisted his trademark wink move. Maybe someone should tell him that Sarah Palin cold stole his move with about the same effect.

She told me: He was really red, like he had been laying out in the sun too long, and kept putting oil on himself all the time.

He was wearing these tiny little swimming pants. The way he was preening himself was hilarious.

I had absolutely no idea who he was — and we were all convinced he was gay.

He winked at me and tried to chat me up but I don’t speak English well.

So I just said ‘Sorry’ and walked away.

Ronaldo should just stick with his high pro ho. Either that or embrace his new identity.

Game on, playboy.

Speaking Of Insane Sports Rants

Joe Kinnear's press conference rant may go down in history as one of the best but he'll have some company. We managed to dig up some European classics for our American readers. They go to show that the Europeans can hold their own with Americans like Lou Pinella and Tommy Lasorda. Of course the clips are probably NSFW due to language.

The first is from Canadian and former NHLer Greg Holst. He's currently the coach for Austrian team VSV. This fucking clip is from a fucking game vs. fucking Vienna.



Fucking absolut! I demand one rant on this level from Barry Melrose this season.

This next one is brought to you by former Leyton Orient manager John Sitton. This guy challenged his own players to fights and told them to "fuck off out on the pitch". His greatest moment came when he fired a player at halftime. Thankfully cameras were there to capture his madness.



Don't forget to bring your fucking dinner when you throw down with Sitton.


** Check this gem from former Orioles manager Earl Weaver. That is Weaver but it's a joke that was never aired (according to legend). Now that's the Orioles Way I remember.

Apparently goat condoms are the new hotness in Kenya. That's all I'm using from now on.

So Baby Gimme That Toot Toot, Lemme Give You Lance's Pee Pee

The French can't quit Lance Armstrong. Their obsession to prove he's a drug cheat has reached Detective John Kavanaugh proportions. They haven't shown a thirst for vengeance like this since ever. If they had showed this much determination during WWII...

The French anti-doping authority has thrown down a challenge to the seven-time Tour de France champion, proposing he agree to retesting of his 1999 urine samples to see whether a French newspaper was right when it reported they contained traces of EPO, a banned blood-boosting hormone that enhances endurance.

Authority head Pierre Bordry insists that Armstrong "prove his good faith" and put the rumors to rest by agreeing to let them retest the 1999 samples. Of course, Bordry's not bringing up the fact that the French are the ones keeping the rumors alive.

In drug testing, urine is divided into “A” and “B” samples, and both must show traces of a banned substance for the test to be declared positive.

Only remains from six “B” samples have been kept from Armstrong’s 1999 Tour, the French agency said. So even if the “B” samples came back positive in new testing, there are no “A” samples left against which to compare results.

Armstrong responded by claiming the samples were "compromised".

...The conclusions of the investigation were that the 1998 and 1999 Tour de France samples have not been maintained properly, have been compromised in many ways, and even three years ago could not be tested to provide any meaningful results. There is simply nothing that I can agree to that would provide any relevant evidence about 1999.”

Who knows whether Lance did or didn't dope during his cycling career. Far be it for us to defend or crucify him without knowing the facts. However, it does seem as though the French are out to get him. They haven't been able to prove their case despite claiming evidence of EPO in his 2005 samples. It's simple. Put up or shut up. The same goes for Tour de France president Jean-Etienne Amaury and Greg LeMond.


** It wouldn't be right of us to reference the R without giving it to you.

John Daly's European Vacation?

John Daly is contemplating playing on the Euro Tour next year.

Upsides:
- Western Europe is small, much easier to get around via Winnebago.
- Competition is a touch below the PGA, maybe he can actually make a cut.
- Giant beers will get you drunker faster



Downsides:
- Any increase in winnings will be promptly spent on the aforementioned beers or lost in any and all of the casinos that dot the each and every european town.
- Unless the Euro tour has a stop on the island of Ibiza during spring break, he's not likely to get to hang out with such fine, upstanding young women like this

Best. Press. Conference. Ever.

We've already broken down the clusterfuck that is Newcastle United. Interim manager Joe Kinnear has done nothing to change that view of the club since he took over for Kevin Keegan. If anything, he reinforced it by giving a press conference rant that rivals anything Jim Mora or Dennis Green could ever hope to do.

Enough from us. Take it away, Joe. Here's the transcript courtesy of The Guardian:

The following is an edited transcript of Newcastle interim manager Joe Kinnear's first official press conference yesterday

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

JK You're a cunt.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn't actually say that. Have you read it?

JK I've fucking read it, I've read it.

SB It doesn't say that. Have you read it?

JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB Have you read it, it doesn't say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance.

SB You read the copy? It doesn't say that you didn't know.

JK What about the headline, you think that's a good headline?

SB I didn't write the headline, you read the copy.

JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn't. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain't got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB No, you can listen to who you want.

JK I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK No, no, no. I didn't want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB What? More important things?

JK What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.

SB You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.

JK I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.

SB It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.

JK I can't trust any of you.

Niall Hickman Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

NH But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK I'm not going to tell you anything. I don't understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

NH Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don't talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level ... [but] you will find some cunt that ...

Other journalist How long is your contract for Joe?

JK None of your business.

SB Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don't know ...

JK I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That's it finished. I don't know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He's trying to fucking hide, he's trying to do this or that.

There follows an exchange regarding the circumstances under which Kinnear had met the owner Mike Ashley and executive director (football) Dennis Wise.

Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun) We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Newcastle press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn't go outside.

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don't affect me I assure you. It'll be the last time I see you anyway. Won't affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don't trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain't coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I'm ridiculed for no reason. I'm defenceless. I can't get a point in, I can't say nothing, I can't do nothing, but I ain't going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I'm not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I've got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It's ongoing. It just doesn't stop.

Journalist It's only been a week.

JK Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Journalist It's early days for you to be like this.

JK No, I'm clearing the air. And this is the last time I'm going to speak to you. You want to know why, I'm telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Journalist But this isn't going to do you or us any good.

JK I'll speak to the supporters. I'm going to tell them what the story is. I'm going to tell them. I don't think they'll interpret it any different, I don't think they'll mix it up, I don't think they'll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me ... I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like "Well, that's a load of bollocks ..."

Journalist "Bollocks to that" is what you said.

JK Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?

Journalist That was it.

JK No it wasn't, no it wasn't. What was after it? I don't know if it was your paper, but what went after it?

Journalist I don't know.

JK It even had the cheek to say "bollocks to Newcastle".

Journalist I didn't write that.

JK That was my first fucking day. What does that tell you? What does that tell you?

Journalist Where was that? Which paper said that?

JK I've got it. I can't remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.

Journalist But you didn't say that to the Sundays, you said that to us. That was during the Monday press conference.

JK I'll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?

Journalist Are you saying that someone has reported you saying "bollocks to Newcastle?"

JK Yes. Lovely.

Journalist I don't know who's reported that.

JK I'll tell you what, I'll bring it in.

Journalist That's obviously going to damage you. That's not a good thing. But I don't think someone's done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.

JK So have I. But I haven't come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me. And if I'm not flavour of the month for you, it don't fucking bother me. I've got a job to do. And I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I'm not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts. And don't twist anything.

Journalist You know, you know the game ...

JK Of course I know, but I don't have to like it.

Journalist Today we'll print the absolute truth, that you think we're cunts, we can all fuck off and we're slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it'll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Much, much later after long discussions over whether Kinnear had promised Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan would be returning to the club

Press officer Let's get on to football. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it's wiped off and we're not discussing it.

Journalist But that's what Joe has said he thinks of us.

Press officer I'm saying don't push it. Let's accept what's been said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

PO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?

(Silence)

Journalist: Any knocks?

PO: Come on, let's go football.

Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How's the training going?

JK It's going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK Absolutely. I've loved every moment of it.

The Deuce's Patron Saint Returns

In case you missed it, Steelers resigned the patron saint of our site.

Ambiorix Burgos Is On A Rampage

New York Mets' pitcher Ambiorix Burgos is currently on a Grand Theft Auto like rampage. Down in the Dominican Republic, he is now being sought after by police for a hit and run where it is alleged that he hit and killed 2 women with his SUV. This is after the injured pitcher was arrested last month for allegedly throwing his girlfriend to the ground where he stands to possibly serve up to a year of jail time. Police have no idea where he is right now either.

Ambiorix is a one man wrecking crew. All he needs to do now is acquire some firearms and go on a random shooting spree and Rockstar Games will have a good storyline for "Grand Theft Auto V: Dominican Nights". Lets hope the cops can find him and whatever justice that can be served will be.

Another smart move by Omar Minaya bringing him in right there by the way, he totally deserves that extention doesnt he? Who did he trade to get him? Oh right, Brian Bannister!

Via ESPN

Hollis Thomas Loves Him Some Sponge Bob

We all remember this Fanhouse post featuring Hollis Thomas wearing this scary crazy Spongebob getup at some sort of event. No one was really sure what New Orleans Saints LB Hollis Thomas was thinking wearing that ensemble but apparently this outfit has something to do with Hollis having an irrational obsession with all things SpongeBob Square Pants. The good folks at Baller Alert got this awesome tidbit from an anonymous tipster:

To Whom It May Concern: Hollis Thomas is a 34 year old, 13 year NFL veteran. He is stubborn, lovable, & friendly. He is your typical NFL baller… however; he has a fetish with Spongebob. This man is obsessed with Spongebob. He sleeps on Spongebob sheets, rocks a Spongebob medallion on his necklace, and watches Spongebob during sex. His room is chalked full of everything Spongebob, he references Spongebob during his conversations!!! I think he once he gets a hold of something he refuses to let it go… the only thing he has been releasing lately is his receding hairline. I would call him weird but even weirdos have a method to their madness. You can catch him coloring Spongebob pictures with felt markers or playing a Spongebob game on one of his many gaming consoles. He wears Spongebob underwear like they are the latest pair of Calvin Klein’s.

Wow, ok, so the man watches Spongebob during sex and wears Spongebob underwear. Ok, well I guess all this might shed a little light on why he was wearing that outfit...the man is clearly insane.

Via Baller Alert

Why Does John Terry Hate Luther Vandross

When someone requests Luther, you don't say no. Hopefully JT will be haunted by the ghost of Fat Luther instead of Skinny Luther. You just don't see fat ghosts anywhere these days.

This Passes For Theatre In Minnesota

Deer Camp, a musical comedy about hunting, debuted last Wednesday at the Lowry Theatre in St. Paul...wait, let me say that again, a musical comedy?? Oh those wacky Minnesotans. Now that I think about it, I can't think of anything that brings to mind musical comedy more than 4 men in the woods, in a cabin, on a cold autumn weekend with their guns. Yeah, ok here's the writeup:

This laugh-out-loud musical follows the guys from Elmwood, MN on their annual hunting trip to deer camp where they do anything but hunt!

But this year is different; after 15 years of coming home with nothing but a hangover, the guys are under a threat from their wives to “get a deer or else.”

That means no more hunting trips if they come back empty handed again.

Wow that sounds like a laugh a minute to me! Think of all the fart jokes, the fun pranks they do when one passes out from too much booze, the shootings in the ass, the cornhole on the lawn, the unruly matches of euchre, the games of hide the sausage, trying not to get stabbed by the antlers...and I can go on with this. It all sounds like they might've found the sequel to Brokeback Mountain, "Brokeback Mountain 2: Deer Camp". This play is FULL of possibilities! How this hasn't garnered a national run is beyond me.

Lord knows that Broadway has run out of ideas, maybe this is the kind of out of the box thinking they need to bring some life to the theatre district...or not at all.

This hunter however, is not amused

Everybody Hate Starbury

Training camp is barely underway and Stephon Marbury is already causing headaches for everyone in Knick Land. You've already seen the reports of his Media Day comments. Now his teammates are struggling to find ways to say they want him gone.

..."I just feel like, I guess right now that's the story - if he's gonna be here or if he's not, or does he come off the bench if he is here and all that stuff. That's all fine and well, but we just need to focus more on winning games."

"We should be more focused on restoring order to the Knicks," [Jamal] Crawford said.

That can't happen, and won't happen, as long as No. 3 - "Coney Island's Finest," as the tattoo on his left biceps says - remains the center of the universe. "It's bigger than just one person, this organization," Crawford said.

Newsday's Ken Berger reports that coach Mike D'Antoni polled the team on Starbury and he lost in a landslide. They want him gone yesterday.

Berger already has Starbury praying for him so that means his mind is somewhere else already. Take the malcontent and add a little sciatica and we have the makings of another quality Knickerbocker season. This should end well for Knick haters such as myself.

Larry Brown Wastes No Time

Larry Brown has already started to take digs at the Bobcats roster and the guys who gave it to him, Michael Jordan and Rod Higgins.

"I'm concerned about who's going to be our third point guard. I'm concerned if we have a small forward that can guard," Brown said. "I'm concerned if we can find a power forward that can play..."

"When I got the job I told Michael and (GM) Rod (Higgins) that we needed three point guards that could bring the ball up against the press, one of them with size. We needed two small forwards that could defend. And we needed five big guys and try to make them as athletic as possible," Brown said.

So how does this roster mesh with what he wanted?

"I don't know if it does," Brown said. "We'll just have to wait and see how it plays out."

Yes, its true, Larry Brown has already thrown his bosses under a bus and training camps are barely starting. If the season goes south quick he will always be able to say that he wasn't given the roster that he wanted. He just gave himself an out to say, "Its not my fault we sucked, I told them what we needed to win."

The man can coach, we've all seen him coach up a team quite well, but he doesn't normally start burning bridges before a game gets played. Usually Larry saves that for much later in the season. Should be fun times in Charlotte this year.

Via Blue Ridge Now.com

Lamar Odom Asks Phil Jackson: Muthaf**ka Is You Crazy?

I don't know what you heard. Lamar don't play no six man. You betta ask somebody. Who said he was doin' that? Phil? Sheeeeit. I don't care if God Shammgod says it. Ain't no way that make it true! Word is born. God wants Lamar startin!

Lamar Odom feels quite strongly about his role with the Lakers this year. Phil Jackson said that Odom could end up as the sixth man this year. He's not having it.

"He must have woke up and bumped his head. He probably hit his head on something -- boom," Odom said about Jackson. "To start off like that, you've got to be out of your . . . mind."

Wait until his cellphone video where he talks shit about Phil and demands a trade to Memphis or Charlotte. He might even try to jump a Mini-Cooper or a pool full of angry koala bears. Will Odom be the West Coast Marbury? It's not clear whether he has the crazy but one can hope.

Your Fluorescent Bulbs Mean Nothing To Me!

This is hardcore sprinting on this Japanese gameshow. The guy has to run right through like 50 fluorescent bulbs and does so without flinching. Its certainly impressive to watch, especially in slow motion and boy is it a good thing he's wearing those goggles, not like those bulbs don't each contain a tiny amount of the neurotoxin mercury that he is breathing in while blasting through them or anything. Way to go smartguy!

Some Folk'll Never Wrestle A Pig But Then Again Some Folk'll

Stories like these make me ashamed to be from Maryland. Sorry, Murland.

Spring Meadow Farms in Baltimore Country held a pig wrestling jamboree this past weekend to the dismay of county officials and PETA. Owner Stan Dabkowski fought the power and held the event even though he was threatened with protests and county code violations.

Twenty groups of four-member teams took turns attempting to corral pigs and place them in a round, shallow water trough for a $150 prize. Each had 90 seconds to do so. Some were able to do it in as few as 25 seconds.

Let me say that I, for one, am offended. The pig is a wonderful, magical animal and unlike those who would disparage it, I find it to be quite halal and kosher. Oink vey indeed! What other animal gives us pork, sausage and bacon? It's a literal food factory and people are defiling it for their pleasure. Let us not even speak about their intelligence. If the pig had opposable thumbs, I would be wary of facing it in a game of backgammon. If the pig could speak, I would love to discuss Wittgenstein, Heidegger and the Marquis de Sade with the pig over said game of backgammon. Instead some yokels force the pigs into corrals for their amusement and don't even partake in their sweet, sweet deliciousness. For shame! Save the salted meats! I'm furious. I'm gonna go complain to my purents.

Ozzie Guillen Will Send Himself Into Exile If The White Sox Don't Make The Playoffs

It's unbelievable that Ozzie Guillen would come this far only to let evil win now. Of course, we're talking about the evil that is Jay Mariotti. The terrorists will win if Guillen follows through on his threat to leave town.

Guillen will exile himself from Bartertown otherwise known as Chicago if the White Sox don't make the playoffs.

"If we lose this thing, I'm going to ask [Chairman] Jerry Reinsdorf to give me the private plane," Guillen said Saturday.

"I don't have the guts to look at the people's faces in O'Hare Airport or Midway after this season.

"Then I won't have to see anyone in the airport and feel embarrassed or disappointed. I can get to Miami, where nobody really knows the White Sox. I will be embarrassed and I will be disappointed about seeing the people in the airport, seeing their faces, because we let them down."

Miami really is the equivalent to the gulag or desert wasteland when it comes to sports. Maybe Ozzie was thinking of Cuba Jr. when he smashed pictures in his office after Friday's loss. Carlos Quentin decided he wanted to smash too. Too bad he ended his season prematurely when he broke his wrist after "accidentally slamming his right wrist on the top of his bat after fouling off a pitch".

Ozzie also discussed White Sox fans showing their displeasure on Friday and Saturday by booing the team.

"Sometimes when I hear those things I say, 'I wish [I was] in Caracas (Venezuela) right now,' because then my boys would be right behind [me]. But I don't blame them.

Maybe he should bring his boys to Chicago. If anyone gives him shit in O'Hare or Midway, his boys could get all Chavista and beat that ass like James Joyce on a red-headed stepchild.**


**Do people even saying that anymore? What's so bad about a red-headed stepchild? I could understand if it was that annoying red-headed kid from Diff'rent Strokes. Mr. Horton should have molested him instead of Dudley. I'm such a poser for mentioning Joyce on a sports blog. I'll donkey punch myself to make up for it.

If You Have A Problem, If No One Else Can Help And If You Can Find Him Maybe You Can Hire Face's Son

The spawn of the A-Team's Dirk Benedict is running loose in England. Shady land grabbers beware.

Roland Benedict, son of Dirk, is on trial with English League Two outfit Gillingham. The Daily Mail claims that "the six-footer made a name for himself on the college basketball circuit last year." That would be pretty sweet if it were true. Too bad it's not.

Face Jr. just graduated from high school. He was going to attend the University of the Redlands but decided to give English soccer a shot.

Face must think Colonel Decker can't go international. How he underestimates the long arm of the USMP.

Goodnight, White Chocolate. We'll miss the highly erratic, frustrating yet fascinating play from your early career as well as your love and appreciation of the Asian persuasion.

Tommy Lasorda Host The San Francisco Italian-American Parade? Fuhgedaboutit

Tommy Lasorda better get ready to assume the position pictured above. If San Francisco County Supervisor Michela Alioto-Pier gets her way, Lasorda will be bounced out of his position as Grand Marshal of the San Francisco Italian-American Parade.

Alioto-Pier wants a "local Italian-American" like Joe Montana or Barry Zito to have the honor of leading the parade.

"We can't have Tommy Lasorda come to San Francisco for the Italian American parade," she told the [San Francisco Chronicle]. "He's like enemy No. 1 right now. If you don't think this is important, you should move to L.A."

Now that's reppin' your hood. However I'm not sure Barry Zito is the right move unless he's on a float honoring massive wastes of money. That's about as worthwhile as a float of when Tony saw Angela in the shower on Who's The Boss. Who does more damage to the Giants? Lasorda or Zito. Zito's enemy #1 by a long shot. Perhaps he should sleep with the sharks in the bay. An Italian problem deserves an Italian response.

Perhaps surprisingly, many readers choosing to comment on the story enthusiastically backed Lasorda. "Want a great meal in North Beach? Ask Tommy where to go, not Alioto dash blankyblank," wrote one. Penned another: "Tommy Lasorda is all about being Italian and enjoying great food. Zito will be booed and Montana would never come."

Low expectation having muthafuckas. How about Tony Siragusa as a compromise? He may not live in the Bay area but he did try to take Rich Gannon's head off in a playoff game. The Raiders play in the Bay Area. San Francisco's in the Bay Area. Three degrees of separation. No problem. Do it.

Grand Opening, Grand Closing

Check please.

It looks like the Mets are starting to adopt the Gestapo tactics favored by Yankees security.

"My time with Mr. Miller was cut short by a security guard, who called other security guards who surrounded me and took my Mets press pass away for speaking to people in the stands, which they said was a no-no. They walked me to an exit and told me to wait while they called the Mets’ public relations office. They came back and told me the spokesman said that interviews with fans or employees were off limits."

Via Fark by way of The New York Times.


Update: How could I leave a post about the Mets without saying anything about Sunday?


See you in Port St. Lucie next February!

Barca And Espanyol Make For Hot Times In The City

The Barca-Espanyol derby may not be as well known as Inter-Milan, Boca-River Plate or Celtic-Rangers however you can bet the Barcelona face-off is big time in Spain. I'm not sure why I listed Celtic-Rangers. The Guardian's Barry Glendenning once described the Scottish derby as "two pygmies fighting over who's taller".

The latest edition of the Barcelona derby kicked off on Saturday with the two teams battling it out on the pitch while their supporters got it on in the stands. The match was stopped after flares were thrown onto Espanyol supporters in the lower deck of Espanyol's Olympic Stadium and all hell broke loose. In case you don't think that's a big deal, check this video from an Espanyol supporters section. Start at :40. You also get a bonus Spanish lesson. Use it at your local bodgea, cockfight or amateur midget rodeo and make new friends!



The match resumed and Barca pulled back two goals against 10-man Espanyol for a 2-1 win.

I don't know why the fans are getting so worked up. It's not like someone tried to throw a scooter on them from the upper deck Milan-style. Seriously, that's some scary shit right there.

Years ago I was at a Brazilian derby match in Belo Horizonte which pitted Cruzeiro against Atletico Mineiro. Consider that I started the day walking into an Atletico bar wearing Cruziero colors. Sometimes playing the stupid American saves your life. So does leaving with utmost haste. The stadium itself had a moat surrounding the field to keep fans out and we were blocked in our section Yankee-Gestapo style by military police with german shepards. Some of the scenes from the upper deck were terrifying yet amazing. Police dogs and batons on fans, flares flying, people pissing where they stood and fighting. However there was also incredible camaraderie, endless singing and chanting as well as new levels of inebriation I didn't know were possible.

Would I do it again? In a second. A big time derby is something every soccer fan should try to do in their lifetime. LA Galaxy vs. Chivas USA does not count. Think about it as a Soccer Hajj with multiple destination options. Just try to avoid the flares and flying bags of piss whenever you get where you end up.

Matt Millen is finally gone but Detroit is still losing its damn mind.

Hey Look Everybody! It's Enrico Palazzo

Yeah I know. We went with the obvious on this one but that's how we always do.

If you're going to impersonate someone at their place of employment, it's probably good to pick a place where the employees aren't recognizable. Someone should given Ronald Higgins that nugget before he decided to steal a Dodgers uniform at Dodger Stadium and impersonate a player.

Higgins was nailed after being seen on the field "holding a glove with two balls". Take that as you will.

Higgins allegedly identified himself as a Dodgers player, but the guard recognized him from an earlier incident and called police.

Prosecutors say Higgins' clothes were later found in the bat boys' locker room. It was not immediately clear where he got the uniform.

Several things. First, I hope he really identified himself as "Dodgers Player" when asked about his identity.

"Hey what the hell are you doing? Who are you?"

"Why I'm Mann ... I mean Dodgers Player. I just got called up from ... from ... um the Pasadena 405s. Yeah that's it."

Second, what the hell were his clothes doing in the bat boys' locker room? Did he get his uniform from there? Did he try to squeeze into a small uniform that said Batboy on the back? "Oh my full name is Dodgers Player Batboy. I seem to have had an overnight growth spurt."

Maybe we shouldn't be too hard on Higgins. He's more harmless than that crazy guy who jacks subway trains and buses. If he was impersonating a Mets player, Jerry Manuel would probably throw him in the bullpen. He'd probably have a higher batting average than Andruw Jones. He'd definitely cost less. He should go to DC and impersonate a Nats player. They need all the help they can get.

Is Isiah Still In Charge Of The Knicks?

It sure seem like he is. Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni may be in charge but September 2008 looks an awful lot like September 2007. It's pretty much the same team from last season. Starbury's still around and Allan Houston is attempting a comeback.

Yeah you read that right. When training camp opens next week, Houston will join Starbury at Knicks training camp. What can anyone say about the Knicks? They broke my heart when they ruthlessly dumped Isiah but there could be some hope for this team after all.

Last year, Houston quit after one exhibition game. Let's see if he can make it through a full exhibition season. He'd do well to remember Sir Charles' Pippen Theory. You retire because you can't play anymore.

Now That's A Brawl

What's wrong with athletes today? Fans pay to go to a sporting event and expect to be entertained by quality play and they end up watching a disaster unfold. This is why more and more people are being turned off by professional sports. I mean, really. What the hell are they wearing? That's just disgusting.



Baseball could learn a lot from this fight. For starters, don't rush out there unless you intend to make good and actually fight. Running to the mound to mill around sends the wrong message to kids about following through and commitment.

What's Gary Sheffield's Prediction For The Cleveland Indians? Pain...

Aw shit. Fausto Carmona done woke up the beast. Gary Sheffield's about black some Cleveland eyes like peas. I can see it now. An angry Shef vows revenge as though someone killed his family while standing in front of the flaming Cuyahoga River with one fist clenched and the other shaking with impotent rage. One by one, he pursues and eliminates everyone who did him wrong last Friday night until all accounts are settled. By the time he's done, everyone will know that "if you mess with Sheffield ... 'It's on'."

Shef is still pissed about last week's fight that resulted in suspensions for him as well as Cleveland's Fausto Carmona, Victor Martinez and Asdrubal Cabrera. In fact, he's so pissed that he's gonna eat lightning and crap thunder until it's done.

... Detroit's designated hitter said he still plans to get even with those players who joined the fray to punch him instead of being peacemakers.

"When guys take cheap shots, I take that personally," he said. "When I find out who they are, they'll have to deal with me.

"It will never end until I get you. That's just the way it is. I don't mess with nobody. I don't bother anybody, but when you bother me, it's on. It could be off the field, on the field, it doesn't matter.

"I don't care about what the league thinks or about what they do. I have enough money to cover any fine they've got, trust me."

Shef promised to follow up on [Vice-President of On Field Operations for Baseball] Bob Watson's penalties and "[penalize the Cleveland players] too". He'll pursue them to hell and back. Maybe he'll get them tomorrow. Maybe a week from now. Maybe a year. He could even wait until they hold their retirement press conferences and blubber like little bitches in front of the press.



Fausto Carmona's dad: Why don't you get the hell out of here!"
Shef: "Shut up, old man! I ain't goin' nowhere!"
Carmona: "You know you got a big mouth."
Shef: "Why don't you come down here and close it for me, Carmona!"
Shef (to Carmona's wife): "Hey woman! Hey woman! Listen here, since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you'd like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreaming you had a real man, don't you. I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight and Shef'll show you a real man."

You have been warned. Gary Sheffield will destroy any man who tries to take what he has. You probably shouldn't worry. The list of takers is so long, he probably won't get to you. He still has to deal with Joe Torre, Derek Jeter, Bill Spiers, Jesus, Grimace and that non-flying fuck Ralph Hinckley.

Newcastle United For Dummies

As promised we have the unique pleasure of our first guest post from one of my heroes. A New York football legend if you will and a saint of the only church I attend on 3rd Ave between 11th and 12th Streets. At his request we have hidden his identity to protect the innocent. He took some time out from his busy schedule to break down the situation at Newcastle in terms you can understand. Hopefully this won't be his last contribution to your football knowledge.


Save Newcastle United!

Mike Ashley has the scorn of the Geordies and is the root problem of all that is wrong with the club! Well, so say members of the Toon Army as they parade their angst with their “Cockney MAFIA out!” banner during a recent home loss to Hull City. Even Magpie, the Toon mascot, was photographed holding a poster stating, “No more Geordie cash for Ashley!” Things certainly are off the charts north of Hadrian’s Wall.

But is Mike Ashley really to blame for this mess or is he just misguided lad with too much money?

Billionaire Mike Ashley isn’t really a Cockney but he was born in Buckinghamshire and ranks 54th in the Sunday Times Rich List. Ashley has loved his football since attending the World Cup in Mexico in 1986 and was attracted to Newcastle by the myth that Toon fans were the best fans in football. In fact, Ashley believes that the fans are Newcastle United’s best asset. Ashley paid ₤134 million for the club and paid another ₤110 million just to reduce the debt. That’s right, reduce the debt.



Things were wrong at Newcastle United BEFORE Mike Ashley won the scorn of all illiterate Toon fans. Toon? Well, that’s the Geordie pronunciation of the word “town!” To really look into this situation, we really need to go back in time to see where things went wrong.

Newcastle United was formed in 1892 with the merger of Newcastle East End and Newcastle West End, rivals in the Northern League, as Newcastle West End had fallen into financial difficulties. Success was rapid for Newcastle United and they won their first league title in 1904/05 followed by more league titles in 1906-07 and 1908/09. The FA Cup followed in 1909/10. Success along with the lack of transportation and lack of nearby competition gave Newcastle United a strong base for fans. Sadly, Newcastle United would win the league title just once more, in 1926/27, but the FA Cup brought success on the club with victories in 1923/24, 1931/32, 1950/51, 1951/52 and 1954/55. The brilliant and storied history of success at St. James’ Park was over after 1955 and no domestic silverware would be won unless you count the Texaco Cup.

Still, even without silverware there was little competition for fans. The closest rivals are Sunderland, a mere ten miles away, and the Tyne-Wear derbies are heated events that pit city against city for the bragging rights of the county. Most southerners will look at Middlesbrough as a local for Newcastle thanks to the lack of teams “up norf” but Middlesbrough plays a hefty 34 miles away and is not considered local!

With a huge fan base, surely Newcastle would have been primed for success both fiscally and on the pitch. There is no doubt that the fans let their feelings known. The highest attendance in Newcastle history is 68,386 for the match against Chelsea in 1930. Why did so many Geordies show up for this one match? The fans showed up in huge numbers to welcome their former hero Hughie Gallacher who was the club’s most prolific scorer (143 goals in 174 games) but had been sold to Chelsea! Queue the mass hysteria and attendance. In fact, many thousands of fans were unable to get inside the stadium and were locked outside.

Could this event have shaped the club’s managerial policy into pleasing the fans at all costs? Since 1930, only two managers have had tenures of ten years or more; Stan Seymour and Joe Harvey, who departed in 1975. Since Joe’s departure, Newcastle have had 16 managers including such high profile figures as Osvaldo Ardiles, Kevin Keegan (twice), Kenny Dalglish, Ruud Gullit and Sir Bobby Robson. In fact, Newcastle is already on their sixth manager this century. This must-win to appease the fans who still believe the club is massive is finally killing the club in this period of high financial risk.

Run the club by appeasing the fans? Mike Ashley has certainly tried! In September last year, Ashley tried to wear his Alan Smith number 17 Newcastle shirt in the corporate box at Sunderland without permission to show the fans his true colours. After being denied, he sat in the away end and tried to buy all of the fellow “fans” a pint of lager at half-time. These gimmicks haven’t worked for him as they were not complimented by success on the pitch and the fans now want the “outsider” gone.

For his part, Ashley has been able to make himself an easy target for the fans by becoming a PR nightmare and embarrassing the club. From partying in New York and buying 175 bottles of Crystal champagne, to snubbing Dubai investors, who had low-balled his anticipated selling price, by missing a scheduled meeting with them to drink with Dennis Wise, his Director of Football, in the nearby Bahri Bar, he’s played his part.


The club is still in debt and still owes millions on transfer fees while current commercial deals were paid up front and spent before Ashley bought the club. Ashley bought a dog with fleas and did everything to keep the club’s number one asset happy; the fans.

Mike Ashley has now hired London-based Seymour Pierce to sell the club and wants an unreasonable figure of ₤480 million. This is far more than the Dubai investors are willing to pay although there is a Nigerian outfit out there willing to buy the club. Let’s hope Ashley pays attention to their needs of his initial wiring of money to a bank account in Abuja.

Until the fans step away from this “massive club” demand, Newcastle will continue with quick fixes that will never work. Kevin Keegan was never going to be the answer and neither will Alan Shearer. A new owner is obviously needed but the owner must place the fans second to the club before embarking on the business of finding the right manager who knows which players he needs to make the club tick. The club must break tradition and think long-term.

All the while we do it doggystyle. Yo muthafuckin ho!

Newcastle United + Nigeria = 419 Heaven

The debacle at Newcastle United continues to boggle the mind. It's nothing but a clusterfuck from owner Mike Ashley down to the fans who continue to drive away potential club buyers and managers with their rabid, bloodthirsty rantings about King Kev and their non-existent history. We'll have an in-depth look at the club from a guest writer who is a football legend in his own right. Before we do that, let's catch up on the latest haps from the "very big club".

Ashley, realizing that he's cruising for a lynching, has been trying to find a buyer for Newcastle. However he insists on selling at over £400million GBP. He had no luck in the Middle East and things were looking rather bleak until the Nigerians showed up. The latest rumored buyer is a Nigerian company called NVA Management.

We used our Abuja sources to track down the introductory communication from NVA to Mike Ashley and the trillions of Newcastle supporters expressing their interest in purchasing the team.

From: Prince Chris Nathaniel

Dear My Most Best Sincerity Friends,

I am fine today and how are you? I hope this letter will find you in the best of health. I am Prince Chris Nathaniel, the Chairman of the “Contract Award Committee”, of the “NVA Management (NVA)”, a subsidiary of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). NVA Management (NVA) was set up by the late Head of State, General Sani Abacha who died on 18th June 1998, to manage the excess revenue accruing from the sales of Petroleum and its allied products as a domestic increase in the petroleum products to develop the communities in the Niger Delta Oil producing areas. The estimated annual revenue for 1999 was $45 Billion US Dollars Ref. FMF A26 Unit 3B Paragraph “D” of the Auditor General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria Report of Nov. 1999 on estimated revenue.

I am the Chairman of the Contract Award Committee, and my committee is solely responsible for awaiting and paying of contracts on behalf of the Federal Government of Nigeria. My Committee awarded Contracts to foreign contractors for Drilling and Ecological Matters in the oil producing areas of Niger Delta. We are now in expansion to Premiership League football and are in heavy negotiations for the biggest team in all of Tyneside called Newcastle United. We overshot the contract sum by £13,485,000.00. We have paid His Excellency Mike Ashley of Buckinghamshire £400million and withholding the balance of £13,485,000.00. But, because of the existence of some of the domestic laws forbidding civil servants in Nigeria from opening, operating and maintaining foreign accounts, we do not have the expertise to transfer this balance of fund to a foreign account.

However, this balance of £13,485,000.00 has been secured in form of Credit/Payment to a foreign contractor, hence we wish to transfer into every Newcastle supporter bank account as the beneficiary of the fund. We have also arrived at a conclusion that you will be given 20% of the total sum transferred as our foreign partner, while 5% will be reserved for incidental expenses that both parties will incur in the course of actualizing this transaction, and the balance of 75% will be kept for the committee members. This balance will be paying to every Newcastle supporter who helps us complete the transaction.

If you know that you will be capable of helping us actualize this transaction, you should send to me immediately the details of your bank particulars or open a new bank account where we can transfer the money £13,485,000.00, which you will be holding in trust for us until we come to your country for our share. Your nature of business does not matter in this transaction. The required details includes your company’s name, address, your private personal telephone/fax numbers, your full name and address, including your complete bank details where the transferred fund will be routed by the Apex Bank.

Note that this transaction is expected to be actualized within 21 working days from the day the required details are forwarded to the Federal Ministry of Finance who will approve the needed foreign exchange control allocation for the release of this money to your account. Please, treat this as top secret. You should contact me urgently.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Yours faithfully,
Prince Chris Nathaniel

This is by far the best offer Ashley will ever receive. If he knows what's good for him, he'll give up his details and encourage every true Barcode fan to do the same. Soon they will be delivered from evil and into Highlife heaven by a prince. Imagine Fela Kuti blasting from the speakers of St. James Park while the strike force of Obafemi Martins and Ade Akinbiyi strike fear into the hearts of Gareth Southgate and Gary Megson. That's straight juju right there.


All praise due to 419eater.com.

Somebody Call The Wahmbulance: Roger Clemens Is Needy Like McCready

Hats off for poor Roger Clemens. He sat in front of a battery-powered television in his mansion on Sunday to watch the Yankees pay tribute to their greatest players expecting to see himself included among the greats. D'oh. No Roger. He got nothing and didn't like it.

"[Wife] Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken," said [mother-in-law Jan] Wild, 70. "Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him."

Hopefully his steroid-juiced heart won't explode from the heartache. All we need is Suzy Waldman screeching like a chain-smoking banshee about the injustice of it all. Strangely Joe Torre was not included in the video tribute as well.

Now I didn't watch a minute of the Yankee circle jerk on Sunday because the NFL immediately supersedes anything baseball-related. I also have no time for tributes to what really is a shit hole. Let's be honest. Yankee Stadium is a dump. Good riddance. I mean it's no Shea Stadium but it's not the greatest sporting venue known to man. Some would have us think it's more important that the Roman Coliseum.

In Case You Missed It

Here's video of Ray Ray taking out a solider.



I think everyone from the U felt that hit. How do you think Jeremy Shockey got his hernia?

Guti Almost Caught A Beatdown From Helen Keller

Real Madrid's Guti is breathing a sigh of relief after almost getting beat down from a boxer. A deaf and dumb boxer. There's no shame in getting whupped by a professional but is there any if he's disabled?

Guti used to be tight with boxer Jorge Muñoz who is deaf. Some reports claim that he is also dumb. Muñoz has been unable to get a boxing licence from the Spanish Boxing Federation presumably because of his disabilities. Guti stood up for him and even wore shirts supporting his cause. For some reason, Guti stopped supporting Muñoz. Bad move.


Muñoz became furious over Guti's withdrawal of support. He began smashing windows like the Hulk and stalking the Real Madrid star. Things came to a head on Saturday when the two exchanged words and engaged in a car chase in which Guti tried to shake Muñoz by speeding into the Real Madrid training ground parking lot. Security tried to stop him but he slammed his car into them. We'll let the Guardian's Sid Lowe take it from here.

Two more security guards arrived on the scene to try to apprehend Muñoz but, as Marca brilliantly put it, "they came across a man who is very strong, physically prepared and his pugilistic knowledge."

Muñoz laid one out before the police arrived and eventually detained him, leaving him in custody and under a restraining order, Guti with bodyguards and some poor sod to clean up the blood at Valdebebas, while the headline writers gloried in Madrid's unimpressive but devastatingly effective 2-0 win in Santander: a victory that, according to both Marca and AS, demonstrated Madrid have "the knock-out power of a champion".

It's one thing to have a groupie stalker. It's another to be stalked by a deaf professional fighter. Why not add a jealous bear (animal or man) to the mix just to make it more interesting? When he says he can't hear you as you plead for mercy, he's not being facetious. It's also not clear how one can exchange words with a dumb person but I'm open to any explanation.

**Munoz is only deaf. He says that he is only 37% deaf. I suppose it's not quite Helen Keller.

What The Blood Clot?

Yes. That's Gandhi channeling Minor Threat's Ian MacKaye. Make of it what you will.


Via The Guardian.

Joey Porter Ain't Right In The Head

Don't go kicking balls over Joey Porter when he's warming up. He's liable to wreck your quarterback. It wasn't enough for Joey to talk shit about Matt Cassel. He wanted the Patriots to know he was for real when he talked about whuppin' that ass. Apparently the kickers didn't believe him.

As his Dolphins stretched on their side of midfield, Porter said the Patriots kickers and some coaches walked through the team’s stretching lines. Chris Hanson then began punting the ball from Miami’s end zone over the rows of Miami players.

Joey wasn't having any of that.

“I’ve been playing in the league for 10 years and I feel like I’ve done some crazy things, but I never did that,” Porter said. “You can’t walk right down the middle of somebody’s stretch and start kicking out of the end zone like we’re not even here, like they had the whole 100 yards. They just didn’t want their 50, they wanted our 50, too.”

“They knew what it was going to do to me,” Porter said. “It was going to get me fired up. I don’t know if it was an attempt to get me thrown out of the game, but I was smart enough to keep my cool. It was just very disrespectful.”

That's not crazy. That's just sick. What kind of person, let alone a kicker, would do something fucked up like that? Channing "Snow White" Crowder doesn't get it either.

“He hates stuff like that. They got him going. Why would they do that? He’s already crazy, and they just poured fuel on it.”

Baring his belly at the opposing team during warmups isn't provocative. Getting in the way of bullets outside of bars or stomping Levi Jones in a casino isn't crazy either. Good thing we have Joey Porter to stay cool and make sense of things in this messed up world. Then again what was the guy from "To Catch a Predator" doing on the field anyway? Who was he after?

Ryan Babel Knows What Time It Is Because He Just Bought A Watch

He also eats chicken cause that's how Surinamers do. With rhymes like those, it's no wonder Liverpool's Ryan Babel is in the fat Spanish waiter's doghouse. He can't get a start and if he wants to know why, he might start with his rapping.



He's not mumbling. He's rapping in Dutch. Here's your translation:

Rapping is my hobby
Rappers don’t want trouble
I'm the Liverpool star those bitches are loving
I know what time it is - I've just bought a new watch
I’ll give you a punchline: eight seconds, you’ll be knocked down
Towel in the ring
My family in the V.I.P
No caviar for us, Surinamers eat chicken
Ya'll know nothing: this is the Premier League
Representing the G
You can see this nigga with number 19
Ya'll can fuck off, I fuck with a whole team
Ya'll can talk, but you don’t get anything with it
Ya'll can't be like me, my status is too high
If rappers come to close, I have to take space
People watch YouTube to learn my actions
I have those skills, try some tricks
I was a poor nigga
Now I make fucking money
I went from the Euro to the English pound
I put money in my pocket, now I spend money on nothing
I like it this way, I'm sure you like it
If somebody want beef, well come on
I like it with some pepper, homie
I'm sure in my life
Give me the fucking ball, you lose both legs
And now my competition is past
If you hate me because of that, I say you’re right
If I was you, I would hate me too
I have the shit homie
I can’t even spend all my money
Keep your daughter in sight. or you will be my family
I’ll take your daughter and let her make clean
101 Barz - this is the first time but I came hard!
I came alone, I don't have a back-up
I came because I mean it
Check it

We shouldn't come down on him too hard. This isn't nearly as bad as the abortion spewed out by Andy Cole. Nevertheless he should stick to soccer and leave the rapping to experts like Kobe** and Shaq.


**Sweet baby jesus, this is the first time I've seen that Kobe video. That's a Rwanda-level atrocity.

Two countries separated by a common language

It is a widely-accepted quasi-fact that I loves me the soccer. Love it. Can’t get enough of it. Stupid for it. Pick whatever vaguely sexual metaphor you like and apply it to me and soccer and you will get the idea.

Because the quality of what is offered from our fair shores rarely strays out of the “meh” zone, I – and many others like me – get my fix by turning to soccer of the European variety, and most specifically the English Premier League. It’s like television or disgusting animal entrails euphemistically called “pudding”: if you want the really good stuff, you gotta go to England.

But I was still born and raised in this country, and my conception of professional sports was formed from watching them over here. When you start watching the EPL this mental framework leads to a slight disconnect when you realize that the English way of looking at sports is completely fucking insane. If you think too long about the differences you will slowly go mad, your brain eaten away by little gremlins that say “would you like a cup of tea?” while they devour your neurons.

There are a thousand little things, and most of them are terminology issues that you quickly assimilate like a second language. You learn that the standings are “the table,” that the game is played at a “ground” and not a stadium, and that the referee is actually a “wanker.” Other than that, you get used to singing profane songs while watching sporting events – “Fly Eagles Fly” has got nothing on “The Wanky Tottenham Hotspur” – and eventually getting up at 6AM on a Saturday to go to a bar to watch grown men kick a ball around on TV will become your new normal.

Two of these quirks, however, are so massive that they drive American sports fans – this one, at least – quite mad.

1) “History”

In the entire cosmology of sports, there is no single element more irrelevant to an individual contest than history. And this is in a world with things like DIPS, “quality starts,” and the save, the only statistic in which the phase of the moon is actually one of the deciding factors. English commentators and fans love to blather about history. Seriously. One of the popular songs sung against Chelsea fans actually has a line “you ain’t got no history.” It is beyond idiotic. It puts idiotic to shame. Idiotic cannot hold a brain-draining candle to the notion that history is a factor in whether your team is good or not.

To put it in context, a soccer fan COUGH Liverpool COUGH talking about their team’s brilliant “history” and/or/vis a vis your team’s lack thereof is roughly equivalent to a Jets fan claiming that they are - RIGHT NOW - better than, say, the Eagles because did you fucking SEE us in Super Bowl III? We kicked ASS twenty years before I was born!

I mean, if Jets fans weren’t charity cases as things stand now, can you imagine if they talked like that? They’d be euthanized to protect the future from their genes.

The fact that past glories, however many and varied, have absolutely no bearing on what’s going on down on a field right now is a completely alien concept to fans like this. What I eat for dinner five time zones away has about as much effect on Arsenal v. Newcastle as the history of the two teams, though in fairness there is very little anywhere that can have a positive effect on Newcastle.

Now it’s true that there are historical elements of soccer that are definite indicators of quality – Chelsea’s 85-game home streak without a loss, Real Madrid’s 943,000 trophies, Newcastle’s 53-year trophyless streak – but when Aston Villa plays Swansea in the FA Cup and we are told that Swansea hasn’t won at Villa Park since that famous day in 1941 blah blah blah yackity schmackity, it means absolutely jack shit unless we’re going to call in Herbert West, Reanimator to turn the guys who actually played that game into zombies and send THEM out on the pitch. If that were the case I might actually toss a ten-spot on Swansea at 14-1, but until something out of HP Lovecraft is involved please shut the almighty fuck up about history.

2) “Mind Games”

Can you imagine that, let’s say, the day before Patriots-Colts in the AFC Championship, Bill Belichick was asked at a press conference what he thought of the Colts and his answer was:


“Well, you know what, the Colts fucking blow. I swear to god Peyton Manning is such an assmonkey, it really makes me sick. Who the fuck do they think they are, anway? Look at them. Their guards are undersized, their safeties couldn’t bring down a figure skater, their linebackers are older than my grandmother, and I’m pretty sure Tony Dungy once sprained his back trying to suck his own cock.”

Okay, maybe Belichick isn’t the most unrealistic example in this specific case but imagine, like, Mike Tomlin saying that (after he heals from the two black eyes, swollen lip, and fractured coccyx Jim Johnson just gave him). The press would go BERSERK. ESPN would run it on a non-stop loop for weeks. He’d get fired 5 minutes later and Goodell would probably toss him in a re-education camp for good measure.

In the Premier League managers say shit just like this EVERY WEEK.

And instead of calling them crazy people, the press just labels it as “mind games” – I’m serious, that’s the exact phrase they use - and goes on to tell us what happened when Manchester United played Preston North End in 1902 and of what great import that is to their match tomorrow. It transcends insanity.

Now don’t get me wrong, behind closed doors I’m sure coaches in any sport in this country trash talk other teams. But you don’t slam the other guy in public. You express nothing but respect and admiration for your opponent and heap praise on them, even if you’re Joe Paterno and you’re “playing” Temple that week (and he did, I heard his press conference). That’s the kind of thing you learn in fucking high school. To publicly run down your opponents is so startlingly unprofessional I’m still blown away when they do it, and I just advocated a eugenics program to eliminate Jets fans for Chrissakes.

Yet this is a common practice over there. You actually have to go to classes for a year and get a fucking LICENSE to manage a Premiership team, and “don’t slam the other guy in the papers” apparently isn’t part of the curriculum. It boggles the mind.

Then again, this is a country that eats the parts of animals even Native Americans couldn’t find a use for, so prion diseases are probably a lot more common.

Karma Is A...Well You Know

This guy here is Bruce Marziani, he's from Philadelphia and he's a Dallas Cowboys fan...for no reason whatsoever. We all know people like this, from a town with thriving sports franchises yet rooting for another team from another town that probably has had some recent success or is the rival of the home team town and we all hate them. Being from DC, I know this phenomenon to be true all too often. Well, looks like the Football Gods have spoken against Bruce.

Bruce flew down to Dallas to watch his favorite team face his hometown Philadelphia Eagles, presumably so he didn't get beat up watching this same match-up at home later in the year, and he brought with him some autographed memorabilia to hopefully get some more signatures put upon them. Part of his collection he brought included a helmet signed by Troy Aikman he said was valued at $900 and a NFL Cowboy game autographed program worth around $700 (i know, seems high right?). All of this must have severly angered the Football Gods because for some reason, he left that stuff in his hotel room during the game and someone broke in and stole them along with his computer and camera.

Sucks for the guy if the story is true, but why didn't he bring that stuff with him if he was trying to get some more autographs on them? And why didn't he bring his camera with him if he was going to the football game? Did he just forget the whole reason why he went to the game? And if he had over $1500 of valuables in his room...why didn't he lock any of it up? Has he ever stayed in a hotel room before?

Of course its wrong to blame the victim, but i'm just saying, karma is a bitch...root for your home team or the Football Gods will apparently deal with you in unfortunate ways. Its not his fault his stuff got jacked, but it is his fault he's a Dallas fan and for that, there are consequences.

Via MyFoxPhilly

Caption?

"That's right bitch, make it shine for Ray Ray"

Oh Lord Jesus, Disaster Averted

Pedro Ain't Havin' None Of What Jorge Posada's Selling

Jorge Posada doesn't know when to leave well enough alone. He decided to go there and revisit the infamous 2003 Red Sox-Yankees brawl which resulted Pedro tossing Don Zimmer like a Mississippi River sandbag.

Posada, in an interview with Michael Kay on the YES network's Centerstage, didn't hold back.

"I thought he was going to hit me in the head with a bat after we had the fight and he pushed Don Zimmer," Posada said. "It was ridiculous. I mean, he throws at Karim Garcia because he's losing the game. I mean, there's no class."

Pedro took Posada's comments with a grain of salt and laughed them off ... Yeah not so much.

"When I pointed to the head, it wasn't precisely to tell him that I wanted to hit him in the head," Martinez said. "Nah. He's a human being, he has a family, and I'm a professional. [The pointing to the head] was because he cursed my mom. I was telling him, 'I'll remember that.' "

"He knows - he's Latin, as much as he pretends to be American, he's Latin - that cursing your mom in Latin America will get you into a fight," Martinez said. "That's something I would never do to his mom, because she doesn't play. She's not on the field. She's someone you admire and respect, and I didn't like that."

The New York Post called Pedro livid and called his response blistering. Can't you sense the rageahol coursing through his veins? Jorge better watch himself. He saw what happened to the old man. Does he think Pedro would hold back on him? He might catch a midget upside the head if he's not careful.

You Say Tomato, I Say Tomahto

Rubbed down with spices or beat with a 8-inch sausage? Potato, Potahto. Let's call the whole thing off.

We can't do this story justice so we'll just give it to you straight, no chaser.

FRESNO, Calif. — A stranger broke into a home east of Fresno, rubbed spices on the body of one of two men as they slept and used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man in the face and head before he fled, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday.

Lt. Ian Burrimond said a suspect was found in a nearby field and taken into custody. Deputies, he said, had no problem linking a suspect to the crime: "It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID."

Arrested was a 22-year-old Fresno resident.

The spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, were taken from the victims' kitchen.

He said money that had been taken was recovered, but the sausage was discarded and eaten by a dog. "That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said.

I don't know how they get down in Fresno but if this is the regular, it's no wonder David Carr is so gun-shy. I'd hate to go to sleep wondering if I'll make it through the night without being assaulted with food. However if I have to be thrashed with food, I prefer the pig and salted meats above all others.

Since we didn't give you the visual hotness this story deserves and Metropolitan Seafood refuses to have the cow, lobster and chicken carry the pig on their shoulders, we give you Straight, No Chaser by the Thelonious Monk Quartet live from Paris, 1969.




Via The Seattle Times

Will Manchester United Rock "US Fed" Jerseys?

The US government finally stepped in with an $85 billion loan to save AIG's ass after several banks backed away like someone just hurled on the conference table. Apparently AIG is too big to fail but Lehman Brothers isn't. Don't worry, we're getting to the sports.

AIG, in addition to being a clusterfuck, is also the shirt sponsor of Manchester United. Their four-year, £56.5 million sponsorship deal with Man U is the largest in English soccer. So this begs the question. What design should Man U have on their jersey now that the AIG is the US government's bitch? The Fed Seal is always good. Fuck yeah.

I suck with the Photo Shoppin' so pass on some ideas in the comments or send along some designs. We'll make the best designs into t-shirts so you can show your bandwagon support for Manchester U. Go team!! De-fense!!

Too bad XL (West Ham) didn't have a savior. Oh wait, they did. Themselves. West Ham's owner was propping up XL but decided not to refinance the debt. As of now, they will play with no sponsor. Feel free to also pass along any thoughts on who should be West Ham's sponsor.

Carl Lewis Hate Usain Bolt's Game

Don't front like the thought hasn't crossed your mind. Would you really be surprised if it turned out Usain Bolt was on the juice? I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'm not saying he's juiced but Carl Lewis is.

Speaking to Sports Illustrated, Lewis said,

“When people ask me about Bolt I say he could be the greatest athlete of all time. But for someone to run 10.03 one year and 9.69 the next, if you don’t question that in a sport that has the reputation it has right now, you’re a fool. Period.”

The Times of London calls Lewis' comments incendiary but he does have a point. Granted Bolt hasn't tested positive for anything yet but that is a huge time reduction.

Lewis also calls out Jamaica's drug testing setup.

“I’m proud of America right now because we have the best random and most comprehensive drug-testing programme. Countries like Jamaica do not have a random programme, so they can go months without being tested. No one is accusing Bolt, but don’t live by a different rule and expect the same kind of respect. How dare anybody feel that there shouldn’t be scrutiny, especially in our sport?”

There it is. Usain Bolt has been called out. Will anything come of this? Unlikely. Will it result in increased scrutiny? Who knows. Track and field is lucrative but it could also use a big name star personality like Usain Bolt. The danger is that increased positive drug tests especially from stars could end up tainting the sport. All one needs to do is take a look at the public image of cycling.

Lewis better watch out. The Jamaicans might send Screwface after him. "Him dead and him don't even know it!" One could also say it takes a fool to know a fool. His acting and singing make him a prime candidate for an electrified fooling machine.

Let's not forget other famous world class athlete smokers such as Mario Lemieux and John Elway.

DeSean Jackson Is A Donkey

A good donkey but still a donkey. Check out this brilliant play by him from the first half of last night's scorefest between the Eagles and Cowboys. DeSean decided to celebrate a touchdown before crossing the goaline with hilarious results. Let's go to the tape.



FanIQ also has a picture of Jackson from high school (via Fark) where he did almost the same thing with some flair. Diving and landing on the 1-yard line. Straight cash homey.


Yeah, playboy. Leon Lett salutes your vigor. Oh and fuck you for stealing 12 points away from me by denying McNabb a touchdown.

Last night's game was insane. If you went to bed early like some or live in DC and lost your cable and internet in the first quarter like Chimp Rage, you missed what might end up being the best game of the season. Both teams decided to play defense like the Rams for our pleasure and Tony Kornheiser lost his mind more than usual when trying to wax poetic about the Cowboys. This game had everything except defense.


Thanks to FanIQ for the video and picture.

We already know that Vince Wilfork's** wife Bianca almost missed their wedding because she was up $40,000 in roulette while in Vegas. There's also this nugget about her from Sunday's Pats-Jets game.

"She was wearing a jersey with No. 75 on it, with "Wifey" on the back. Hundreds of red and clear Swarovski crystals were stitched into the jersey letters and numbering."

Nothing says school on a Saturday like a blinged out jersey with the name "Wifey" on the back.


** Woolfork if you're Norm!.

We're Not Sayin', We're Just Sayin'

1/2 game. 13 games left. That's all we're sayin'.

Call The Wahmbulance: Laveranues Coles Needs A Hug

Chad Pennington goes deep (for him) to Elmo.

Perhaps the Jets should buy Laveranues Coles a blowup doll of Chad Pennington. He could talk to it, lay with it and remember all the special times that he used to share with his good ol' buddy.

Coles hasn't gotten over the loss of Chad Pennington due to the arrival of Brett Favre. To his credit (?), he hasn't been extremely vocal but he needs to get over it. He's all broken up because the Jets decided to upgrade the QB position and give themselves a shot at the postseason.

"I don't have a feel for him and he doesn't have a feel for me," Coles said yesterday of his on-field relationship with Favre. "That is one of the things I am going to have to deal with. In the past I've always known when the ball was coming. Now you don't really know."

Coles, who missed the four preseason games with a hamstring injury, has not sounded enthusiastic about having Favre as his quarterback and didn't again yesterday, but he said Sunday that's a product of loyalty toward Pennington.

Wah. Sorry the Jets decided to get a QB who can throw the ball more than seven yards. Sorry they decided to think about what was best for the team as opposed to Coles' feelings. Next time the Jets decide to make a personnel move, Eric Mangini and Woody Johnson should come to Coles and ask how it would make him feel. Even Nicolas Anelka doesn't want to hear it anymore.

There's nothing wrong with being upset over losing a friend but Coles might want to remember that this is a business and not a support group. He has been seen laughing and talking with Favre and their lockers are next to each other.

If Coles wants to win, he'll realize that Favre is the best chance he'll ever have of accomplishing anything on the Jets. Then again he did request a trade to the Jets so he can't be that interested in success. This is the same guy who whined about the lack of big plays on the Redskins yet wouldn't get surgery to fix his toe. Maybe he doesn't have chemistry with Favre because he missed the preseason. It's your job to adjust so get on with it. No one wants to hear bitching about former teammates. It happens all the time. There are these things called phones and the interwebs. Learn them. Use them. Love them.

Maybe we've been too hard on Laveranues. We'll leave you with a tribute to LC and his buddy CP.

Matthew Etherington Owes What He Owes

"Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your team is responsible for most of the cash so I'm gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise I will take a finger of each of you and your teammates' hands for everyday that passes without payment. And then when you run out of digits, your dad's bar and who knows what then. All right, my son?"

It sucks to be West Ham midfielder Matthew Etherington. He's lucky he still has all his fingers. He has West Ham to thank for that. They were forced to give Etherington enough money to choke a dozen donkeys after he came to them for help with a gambling debt.

Etherington, a recovering gambling addict, fell prey to the neon claws of Gamblor and suffered a minor relapse. This one only cost him £800,000. However the debt wasn't his only problem. He was forced to approach the club for a loan after receiving death threats. West Ham officials were worried enough to advance him £300,000 to pay down the debt. They might regret that after losing their sponsor XL late last week. The threats he received from his bookie were "nasty and personal" as opposed to pleasant and impersonal. The rudeness was more than he could bear.

That's right, MLS. Expand to the city with possibly the worst sports fans in the country. It didn't work last time so it has to work this time.

Jason Collins Attacked By Golf Cart

Jason Collins gets a "Funji" hand job from Tim Duncan. That's the effort that makes Big Fundamentals an All-Star.

I've been to Minneapolis and I can tell you that it's not a bad town. It gets hella cold but you don't have to go above ground during winter. There's certainly no need to attempt ending your basketball career over a trade to the Timberwolves. Mark Madsen tried it last year on a jet ski and now Jason Collins is laid up after an accident with an unlikely explanation.

Collins will miss training camp and the first week of the season after crashing a golf cart in California. The official story is that the cart flipped after hitting a wet surface. He underwent surgery on his triceps tendon in his elbow and will be out for eight weeks.

The wet spot excuse? Really? No one likes the wet spot but that's a bit much. I would have gone for the racialist angle. The cart had a problem with a black man on a golf course even though he was clean and well-spoken. He was even a KA in college. Sheeeit, that's straight Confederate right there. There's no word on whether he was found with his pants down and a porno playing in the cart. What? Too soon?

Pennsylvania Interscholatic Athletic Association Hearts Child Molesters

I guess one child molester among a group of referees is understandable. Don't all referees stuff the flag down the pants so everyone knows who got the penalty? It's hard to separate the professionals from the predators. However multiple molesters and kiddie porn purveyors are just unacceptable.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette investigation of the PIAA has uncovered dozens of referees with criminal backgrounds who have worked for the PIAA since 2005.

Along with child pornography and molestation charges, sports officials -- who are paid between $30-$70 a game -- have been convicted of gun crimes, drug offenses, assaults, animal abuse, fraud, various forms of theft, crimes of falsity, drunken driving and auto accidents that caused deaths.

Despite those troubling findings, Bradley R. Cashman, executive director of the PIAA, says there is no need for his organization to require officials to undergo criminal background checks. The PIAA relies instead on a self-reporting system that has become a don't-tell-don't-ask policy.

Let's put the criminal records aside for a moment. Don't ask, don't tell is the policy when it comes to people who are going to be around children?

The Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletic Association's position opposing criminal background checks for athletic officials is based on the notion refs are never in unsupervised one-on-one situations with students. Though partially funded by tax dollars, the PIAA also maintains it is not bound by state laws requiring checks on anyone in contact with children ... The PIAA has contended it has sufficient checks and balances in its own regulatory process over officials, and forcing background checks on the state's 13,700 officials would create an expensive regulatory nightmare.

Parents will be pleased to know their son or daughter might get a dick in the ass because it's too expensive to check out the ref. They're never one on one on the field so parents shouldn't worry about it. I mean really, why is everyone making a big stink about this? So what if a ref decides to let one loose while thinking about your son or daughter? No harm, no foul. Right?

Referees who have been convicted of various charges were allowed to continue working for the PIAA. One didn't have his refereeing license revoked until he was sent to federal prison. That was almost two years after he faced charges for distributing kiddie porn.

Gary Glitter dropped in with a comment.