It's unbelievable that Ozzie Guillen would come this far only to let evil win now. Of course, we're talking about the evil that is Jay Mariotti. The terrorists will win if Guillen follows through on his threat to leave town.
"If we lose this thing, I'm going to ask [Chairman] Jerry Reinsdorfto give me the private plane," Guillen said Saturday.
"I don't have the guts to look at the people's faces in O'Hare Airport or Midway after this season.
"Then I won't have to see anyone in the airport and feel embarrassed or disappointed. I can get to Miami, where nobody really knows the White Sox. I will be embarrassed and I will be disappointed about seeing the people in the airport, seeing their faces, because we let them down."
Miami really is the equivalent to the gulag or desert wasteland when it comes to sports. Maybe Ozzie was thinking of Cuba Jr. when he smashed pictures in his office after Friday's loss. Carlos Quentin decided he wanted to smash too. Too bad he ended his season prematurely when he broke his wrist after "accidentally slamming his right wrist on the top of his bat after fouling off a pitch".
Ozzie also discussed White Sox fans showing their displeasure on Friday and Saturday by booing the team.
"Sometimes when I hear those things I say, 'I wish [I was] in Caracas (Venezuela) right now,' because then my boys would be right behind [me]. But I don't blame them.
Maybe he should bring his boys to Chicago. If anyone gives him shit in O'Hare or Midway, his boys could get all Chavista and beat that ass like James Joyce on a red-headed stepchild.**
**Do people even saying that anymore? What's so bad about a red-headed stepchild? I could understand if it was that annoying red-headed kid from Diff'rent Strokes. Mr. Horton should have molested him instead of Dudley. I'm such a poser for mentioning Joyce on a sports blog. I'll donkey punch myself to make up for it.
The spawn of the A-Team's Dirk Benedict is running loose in England. Shady land grabbers beware.
Roland Benedict, son of Dirk, is on trial with English League Two outfit Gillingham. The Daily Mail claims that "the six-footer made a name for himself on the college basketball circuit last year." That would be pretty sweet if it were true. Too bad it's not.
Face Jr. just graduated from high school. He was going to attend the University of the Redlands but decided to give English soccer a shot.
Face must think Colonel Decker can't go international. How he underestimates the long arm of the USMP.
Alioto-Pier wants a "local Italian-American" like Joe Montana or Barry Zito to have the honor of leading the parade.
"We can't have Tommy Lasorda come to San Francisco for the Italian American parade," she told the [San Francisco Chronicle]. "He's like enemy No. 1 right now. If you don't think this is important, you should move to L.A."
Now that's reppin' your hood. However I'm not sure Barry Zito is the right move unless he's on a float honoring massive wastes of money. That's about as worthwhile as a float of when Tony saw Angela in the shower on Who's The Boss. Who does more damage to the Giants? Lasorda or Zito. Zito's enemy #1 by a long shot. Perhaps he should sleep with the sharks in the bay. An Italian problem deserves an Italian response.
Perhaps surprisingly, many readers choosing to comment on the story enthusiastically backed Lasorda. "Want a great meal in North Beach? Ask Tommy where to go, not Alioto dash blankyblank," wrote one. Penned another: "Tommy Lasorda is all about being Italian and enjoying great food. Zito will be booed and Montana would never come."
Low expectation having muthafuckas. How about Tony Siragusa as a compromise? He may not live in the Bay area but he did try to take Rich Gannon's head off in a playoff game. The Raiders play in the Bay Area. San Francisco's in the Bay Area. Three degrees of separation. No problem. Do it.
It looks like the Mets are starting to adopt the Gestapo tactics favored by Yankees security.
"My time with Mr. Miller was cut short by a security guard, who called other security guards who surrounded me and took my Mets press pass away for speaking to people in the stands, which they said was a no-no. They walked me to an exit and told me to wait while they called the Mets’ public relations office. They came back and told me the spokesman said that interviews with fans or employees were off limits."
The Barca-Espanyol derby may not be as well known as Inter-Milan, Boca-River Plate or Celtic-Rangers however you can bet the Barcelona face-off is big time in Spain. I'm not sure why I listed Celtic-Rangers. The Guardian's Barry Glendenning once described the Scottish derby as "two pygmies fighting over who's taller".
The latest edition of the Barcelona derby kicked off on Saturday with the two teams battling it out on the pitch while their supporters got it on in the stands. The match was stopped after flares were thrown onto Espanyol supporters in the lower deck of Espanyol's Olympic Stadium and all hell broke loose. In case you don't think that's a big deal, check this video from an Espanyol supporters section. Start at :40. You also get a bonus Spanish lesson. Use it at your local bodgea, cockfight or amateur midget rodeo and make new friends!
The match resumed and Barca pulled back two goals against 10-man Espanyol for a 2-1 win.
I don't know why the fans are getting so worked up. It's not like someone tried to throw a scooter on them from the upper deck Milan-style. Seriously, that's some scary shit right there.
Years ago I was at a Brazilian derby match in Belo Horizonte which pitted Cruzeiro against Atletico Mineiro. Consider that I started the day walking into an Atletico bar wearing Cruziero colors. Sometimes playing the stupid American saves your life. So does leaving with utmost haste. The stadium itself had a moat surrounding the field to keep fans out and we were blocked in our section Yankee-Gestapo style by military police with german shepards. Some of the scenes from the upper deck were terrifying yet amazing. Police dogs and batons on fans, flares flying, people pissing where they stood and fighting. However there was also incredible camaraderie, endless singing and chanting as well as new levels of inebriation I didn't know were possible.
Would I do it again? In a second. A big time derby is something every soccer fan should try to do in their lifetime. LA Galaxy vs. Chivas USA does not count. Think about it as a Soccer Hajj with multiple destination options. Just try to avoid the flares and flying bags of piss whenever you get where you end up.
Yeah I know. We went with the obvious on this one but that's how we always do.
If you're going to impersonate someone at their place of employment, it's probably good to pick a place where the employees aren't recognizable. Someone should given Ronald Higgins that nugget before he decided to steal a Dodgers uniform at Dodger Stadium and impersonate a player.
Higgins was nailed after being seen on the field "holding a glove with two balls". Take that as you will.
Higgins allegedly identified himself as a Dodgers player, but the guard recognized him from an earlier incident and called police.
Prosecutors say Higgins' clothes were later found in the bat boys' locker room. It was not immediately clear where he got the uniform.
Several things. First, I hope he really identified himself as "Dodgers Player" when asked about his identity.
"Hey what the hell are you doing? Who are you?"
"Why I'm Mann ... I mean Dodgers Player. I just got called up from ... from ... um the Pasadena 405s. Yeah that's it."
Second, what the hell were his clothes doing in the bat boys' locker room? Did he get his uniform from there? Did he try to squeeze into a small uniform that said Batboy on the back? "Oh my full name is Dodgers Player Batboy. I seem to have had an overnight growth spurt."
Maybe we shouldn't be too hard on Higgins. He's more harmless than that crazy guy who jacks subway trains and buses. If he was impersonating a Mets player, Jerry Manuel would probably throw him in the bullpen. He'd probably have a higher batting average than Andruw Jones. He'd definitely cost less. He should go to DC and impersonate a Nats player. They need all the help they can get.
It sure seem like he is. Donnie Walsh and Mike D'Antoni may be in charge but September 2008 looks an awful lot like September 2007. It's pretty much the same team from last season. Starbury's still around and Allan Houston is attempting a comeback.
Yeah you read that right. When training camp opens next week, Houston will join Starbury at Knicks training camp. What can anyone say about the Knicks? They broke my heart when they ruthlessly dumped Isiah but there could be some hope for this team after all.
Last year, Houston quit after one exhibition game. Let's see if he can make it through a full exhibition season. He'd do well to remember Sir Charles' Pippen Theory. You retire because you can't play anymore.
What's wrong with athletes today? Fans pay to go to a sporting event and expect to be entertained by quality play and they end up watching a disaster unfold. This is why more and more people are being turned off by professional sports. I mean, really. What the hell are they wearing? That's just disgusting.
Baseball could learn a lot from this fight. For starters, don't rush out there unless you intend to make good and actually fight. Running to the mound to mill around sends the wrong message to kids about following through and commitment.
Aw shit. Fausto Carmona done woke up the beast. Gary Sheffield's about black some Cleveland eyes like peas. I can see it now. An angry Shef vows revenge as though someone killed his family while standing in front of the flaming Cuyahoga River with one fist clenched and the other shaking with impotent rage. One by one, he pursues and eliminates everyone who did him wrong last Friday night until all accounts are settled. By the time he's done, everyone will know that "if you mess with Sheffield ... 'It's on'."
Shef is still pissed about last week's fight that resulted in suspensions for him as well as Cleveland's Fausto Carmona, Victor Martinez and Asdrubal Cabrera. In fact, he's so pissed that he's gonna eat lightning and crap thunder until it's done.
... Detroit's designated hitter said he still plans to get even with those players who joined the fray to punch him instead of being peacemakers.
"When guys take cheap shots, I take that personally," he said. "When I find out who they are, they'll have to deal with me.
"It will never end until I get you. That's just the way it is. I don't mess with nobody. I don't bother anybody, but when you bother me, it's on. It could be off the field, on the field, it doesn't matter.
"I don't care about what the league thinks or about what they do. I have enough money to cover any fine they've got, trust me."
Shef promised to follow up on [Vice-President of On Field Operations for Baseball] Bob Watson's penalties and "[penalize the Cleveland players] too". He'll pursue them to hell and back. Maybe he'll get them tomorrow. Maybe a week from now. Maybe a year. He could even wait until they hold their retirement press conferences and blubber like little bitches in front of the press.
Fausto Carmona's dad: Why don't you get the hell out of here!" Shef: "Shut up, old man! I ain't goin' nowhere!" Carmona: "You know you got a big mouth." Shef: "Why don't you come down here and close it for me, Carmona!" Shef (to Carmona's wife): "Hey woman! Hey woman! Listen here, since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you'd like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreaming you had a real man, don't you. I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight and Shef'll show you a real man."
You have been warned. Gary Sheffield will destroy any man who tries to take what he has. You probably shouldn't worry. The list of takers is so long, he probably won't get to you. He still has to deal with Joe Torre, Derek Jeter, Bill Spiers, Jesus, Grimace and that non-flying fuck Ralph Hinckley.
As promised we have the unique pleasure of our first guest post from one of my heroes. A New York football legend if you will and a saint of the only church I attend on 3rd Ave between 11th and 12th Streets. At his request we have hidden his identity to protect the innocent. He took some time out from his busy schedule to break down the situation at Newcastle in terms you can understand. Hopefully this won't be his last contribution to your football knowledge.
Save Newcastle United!
Mike Ashley has the scorn of the Geordies and is the root problem of all that is wrong with the club! Well, so say members of the Toon Army as they parade their angst with their “Cockney MAFIA out!” banner during a recent home loss to Hull City. Even Magpie, the Toon mascot, was photographed holding a poster stating, “No more Geordie cash for Ashley!” Things certainly are off the charts north of Hadrian’s Wall.
But is Mike Ashley really to blame for this mess or is he just misguided lad with too much money?
Billionaire Mike Ashley isn’t really a Cockney but he was born in Buckinghamshire and ranks 54th in the Sunday Times Rich List. Ashley has loved his football since attending the World Cup in Mexico in 1986 and was attracted to Newcastle by the myth that Toon fans were the best fans in football. In fact, Ashley believes that the fans are Newcastle United’s best asset. Ashley paid ₤134 million for the club and paid another ₤110 million just to reduce the debt. That’s right, reduce the debt.
Things were wrong at Newcastle United BEFORE Mike Ashley won the scorn of all illiterate Toon fans. Toon? Well, that’s the Geordie pronunciation of the word “town!” To really look into this situation, we really need to go back in time to see where things went wrong.
Newcastle United was formed in 1892 with the merger of Newcastle East End and Newcastle West End, rivals in the Northern League, as Newcastle West End had fallen into financial difficulties. Success was rapid for Newcastle United and they won their first league title in 1904/05 followed by more league titles in 1906-07 and 1908/09. The FA Cup followed in 1909/10. Success along with the lack of transportation and lack of nearby competition gave Newcastle United a strong base for fans. Sadly, Newcastle United would win the league title just once more, in 1926/27, but the FA Cup brought success on the club with victories in 1923/24, 1931/32, 1950/51, 1951/52 and 1954/55. The brilliant and storied history of success at St. James’ Park was over after 1955 and no domestic silverware would be won unless you count the Texaco Cup.
Still, even without silverware there was little competition for fans. The closest rivals are Sunderland, a mere ten miles away, and the Tyne-Wear derbies are heated events that pit city against city for the bragging rights of the county. Most southerners will look at Middlesbrough as a local for Newcastle thanks to the lack of teams “up norf” but Middlesbrough plays a hefty 34 miles away and is not considered local!
With a huge fan base, surely Newcastle would have been primed for success both fiscally and on the pitch. There is no doubt that the fans let their feelings known. The highest attendance in Newcastle history is 68,386 for the match against Chelsea in 1930. Why did so many Geordies show up for this one match? The fans showed up in huge numbers to welcome their former hero Hughie Gallacher who was the club’s most prolific scorer (143 goals in 174 games) but had been sold to Chelsea! Queue the mass hysteria and attendance. In fact, many thousands of fans were unable to get inside the stadium and were locked outside.
Could this event have shaped the club’s managerial policy into pleasing the fans at all costs? Since 1930, only two managers have had tenures of ten years or more; Stan Seymour and Joe Harvey, who departed in 1975. Since Joe’s departure, Newcastle have had 16 managers including such high profile figures as Osvaldo Ardiles, Kevin Keegan (twice), Kenny Dalglish, Ruud Gullit and Sir Bobby Robson. In fact, Newcastle is already on their sixth manager this century. This must-win to appease the fans who still believe the club is massive is finally killing the club in this period of high financial risk.
Run the club by appeasing the fans? Mike Ashley has certainly tried! In September last year, Ashley tried to wear his Alan Smith number 17 Newcastle shirt in the corporate box at Sunderland without permission to show the fans his true colours. After being denied, he sat in the away end and tried to buy all of the fellow “fans” a pint of lager at half-time. These gimmicks haven’t worked for him as they were not complimented by success on the pitch and the fans now want the “outsider” gone.
For his part, Ashley has been able to make himself an easy target for the fans by becoming a PR nightmare and embarrassing the club. From partying in New York and buying 175 bottles of Crystal champagne, to snubbing Dubai investors, who had low-balled his anticipated selling price, by missing a scheduled meeting with them to drink with Dennis Wise, his Director of Football, in the nearby Bahri Bar, he’s played his part.
The club is still in debt and still owes millions on transfer fees while current commercial deals were paid up front and spent before Ashley bought the club. Ashley bought a dog with fleas and did everything to keep the club’s number one asset happy; the fans.
Mike Ashley has now hired London-based Seymour Pierce to sell the club and wants an unreasonable figure of ₤480 million. This is far more than the Dubai investors are willing to pay although there is a Nigerian outfit out there willing to buy the club. Let’s hope Ashley pays attention to their needs of his initial wiring of money to a bank account in Abuja.
Until the fans step away from this “massive club” demand, Newcastle will continue with quick fixes that will never work. Kevin Keegan was never going to be the answer and neither will Alan Shearer. A new owner is obviously needed but the owner must place the fans second to the club before embarking on the business of finding the right manager who knows which players he needs to make the club tick. The club must break tradition and think long-term.
The debacle at Newcastle United continues to boggle the mind. It's nothing but a clusterfuck from owner Mike Ashley down to the fans who continue to drive away potential club buyers and managers with their rabid, bloodthirsty rantings about King Kev and their non-existent history. We'll have an in-depth look at the club from a guest writer who is a football legend in his own right. Before we do that, let's catch up on the latest haps from the "very big club".
Ashley, realizing that he's cruising for a lynching, has been trying to find a buyer for Newcastle. However he insists on selling at over £400million GBP. He had no luck in the Middle East and things were looking rather bleak until the Nigerians showed up. The latest rumored buyer is a Nigerian company called NVA Management.
We used our Abuja sources to track down the introductory communication from NVA to Mike Ashley and the trillions of Newcastle supporters expressing their interest in purchasing the team.
From: Prince Chris Nathaniel
Dear My Most Best Sincerity Friends,
I am fine today and how are you? I hope this letter will find you in the best of health. I am Prince Chris Nathaniel, the Chairman of the “Contract Award Committee”, of the “NVA Management (NVA)”, a subsidiary of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). NVA Management (NVA) was set up by the late Head of State, General Sani Abacha who died on 18th June 1998, to manage the excess revenue accruing from the sales of Petroleum and its allied products as a domestic increase in the petroleum products to develop the communities in the Niger Delta Oil producing areas. The estimated annual revenue for 1999 was $45 Billion US Dollars Ref. FMF A26 Unit 3B Paragraph “D” of the Auditor General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria Report of Nov. 1999 on estimated revenue.
I am the Chairman of the Contract Award Committee, and my committee is solely responsible for awaiting and paying of contracts on behalf of the Federal Government of Nigeria. My Committee awarded Contracts to foreign contractors for Drilling and Ecological Matters in the oil producing areas of Niger Delta. We are now in expansion to Premiership League football and are in heavy negotiations for the biggest team in all of Tyneside called Newcastle United. We overshot the contract sum by £13,485,000.00. We have paid His Excellency Mike Ashley of Buckinghamshire £400million and withholding the balance of £13,485,000.00. But, because of the existence of some of the domestic laws forbidding civil servants in Nigeria from opening, operating and maintaining foreign accounts, we do not have the expertise to transfer this balance of fund to a foreign account.
However, this balance of £13,485,000.00 has been secured in form of Credit/Payment to a foreign contractor, hence we wish to transfer into every Newcastle supporter bank account as the beneficiary of the fund. We have also arrived at a conclusion that you will be given 20% of the total sum transferred as our foreign partner, while 5% will be reserved for incidental expenses that both parties will incur in the course of actualizing this transaction, and the balance of 75% will be kept for the committee members. This balance will be paying to every Newcastle supporter who helps us complete the transaction.
If you know that you will be capable of helping us actualize this transaction, you should send to me immediately the details of your bank particulars or open a new bank account where we can transfer the money £13,485,000.00, which you will be holding in trust for us until we come to your country for our share. Your nature of business does not matter in this transaction. The required details includes your company’s name, address, your private personal telephone/fax numbers, your full name and address, including your complete bank details where the transferred fund will be routed by the Apex Bank.
Note that this transaction is expected to be actualized within 21 working days from the day the required details are forwarded to the Federal Ministry of Finance who will approve the needed foreign exchange control allocation for the release of this money to your account. Please, treat this as top secret. You should contact me urgently.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Yours faithfully, Prince Chris Nathaniel
This is by far the best offer Ashley will ever receive. If he knows what's good for him, he'll give up his details and encourage every true Barcode fan to do the same. Soon they will be delivered from evil and into Highlife heaven by a prince. Imagine Fela Kuti blasting from the speakers of St. James Park while the strike force of Obafemi Martins and Ade Akinbiyi strike fear into the hearts of Gareth Southgate and Gary Megson. That's straight juju right there.
Hats off for poor Roger Clemens. He sat in front of a battery-powered television in his mansion on Sunday to watch the Yankees pay tribute to their greatest players expecting to see himself included among the greats. D'oh. No Roger. He got nothing and didn't like it.
"[Wife] Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken," said [mother-in-law Jan] Wild, 70. "Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him."
Hopefully his steroid-juiced heart won't explode from the heartache. All we need is Suzy Waldman screeching like a chain-smoking banshee about the injustice of it all. Strangely Joe Torre was not included in the video tribute as well.
Now I didn't watch a minute of the Yankee circle jerk on Sunday because the NFL immediately supersedes anything baseball-related. I also have no time for tributes to what really is a shit hole. Let's be honest. Yankee Stadium is a dump. Good riddance. I mean it's no Shea Stadium but it's not the greatest sporting venue known to man. Some would have us think it's more important that the Roman Coliseum.
Real Madrid's Guti is breathing a sigh of relief after almost getting beat down from a boxer. A deaf and dumb boxer. There's no shame in getting whupped by a professional but is there any if he's disabled?
Guti used to be tight with boxer Jorge Muñoz who is deaf. Some reports claim that he is also dumb. Muñoz has been unable to get a boxing licence from the Spanish Boxing Federation presumably because of his disabilities. Guti stood up for him and even wore shirts supporting his cause. For some reason, Guti stopped supporting Muñoz. Bad move.
Muñoz became furious over Guti's withdrawal of support. He began smashing windows like the Hulk and stalking the Real Madrid star. Things came to a head on Saturday when the two exchanged words and engaged in a car chase in which Guti tried to shake Muñoz by speeding into the Real Madrid training ground parking lot. Security tried to stop him but he slammed his car into them. We'll let the Guardian's Sid Lowe take it from here.
Two more security guards arrived on the scene to try to apprehend Muñoz but, as Marca brilliantly put it, "they came across a man who is very strong, physically prepared and his pugilistic knowledge."
Muñoz laid one out before the police arrived and eventually detained him, leaving him in custody and under a restraining order, Guti with bodyguards and some poor sod to clean up the blood at Valdebebas, while the headline writers gloried in Madrid's unimpressive but devastatingly effective 2-0 win in Santander: a victory that, according to both Marca and AS, demonstrated Madrid have "the knock-out power of a champion".
It's one thing to have a groupie stalker. It's another to be stalked by a deaf professional fighter. Why not add a jealous bear (animal or man) to the mix just to make it more interesting? When he says he can't hear you as you plead for mercy, he's not being facetious. It's also not clear how one can exchange words with a dumb person but I'm open to any explanation.
**Munoz is only deaf. He says that he is only 37% deaf. I suppose it's not quite Helen Keller.
Don't go kicking balls over Joey Porter when he's warming up. He's liable to wreck your quarterback. It wasn't enough for Joey to talk shit about Matt Cassel. He wanted the Patriots to know he was for real when he talked about whuppin' that ass. Apparently the kickers didn't believe him.
As his Dolphins stretched on their side of midfield, Porter said the Patriots kickers and some coaches walked through the team’s stretching lines. Chris Hanson then began punting the ball from Miami’s end zone over the rows of Miami players.
Joey wasn't having any of that.
“I’ve been playing in the league for 10 years and I feel like I’ve done some crazy things, but I never did that,” Porter said. “You can’t walk right down the middle of somebody’s stretch and start kicking out of the end zone like we’re not even here, like they had the whole 100 yards. They just didn’t want their 50, they wanted our 50, too.”
“They knew what it was going to do to me,” Porter said. “It was going to get me fired up. I don’t know if it was an attempt to get me thrown out of the game, but I was smart enough to keep my cool. It was just very disrespectful.”
That's not crazy. That's just sick. What kind of person, let alone a kicker, would do something fucked up like that? Channing "Snow White" Crowder doesn't get it either.
“He hates stuff like that. They got him going. Why would they do that? He’s already crazy, and they just poured fuel on it.”
Baring his belly at the opposing team during warmups isn't provocative. Getting in the way of bullets outside of bars or stomping Levi Jones in a casino isn't crazy either. Good thing we have Joey Porter to stay cool and make sense of things in this messed up world. Then again what was the guy from "To Catch a Predator" doing on the field anyway? Who was he after?
He also eats chicken cause that's how Surinamers do. With rhymes like those, it's no wonder Liverpool's Ryan Babel is in the fat Spanish waiter's doghouse. He can't get a start and if he wants to know why, he might start with his rapping.
He's not mumbling. He's rapping in Dutch. Here's your translation:
Rapping is my hobby Rappers don’t want trouble I'm the Liverpool star those bitches are loving I know what time it is - I've just bought a new watch I’ll give you a punchline: eight seconds, you’ll be knocked down Towel in the ring My family in the V.I.P No caviar for us, Surinamers eat chicken Ya'll know nothing: this is the Premier League Representing the G You can see this nigga with number 19 Ya'll can fuck off, I fuck with a whole team Ya'll can talk, but you don’t get anything with it Ya'll can't be like me, my status is too high If rappers come to close, I have to take space People watch YouTube to learn my actions I have those skills, try some tricks I was a poor nigga Now I make fucking money I went from the Euro to the English pound I put money in my pocket, now I spend money on nothing I like it this way, I'm sure you like it If somebody want beef, well come on I like it with some pepper, homie I'm sure in my life Give me the fucking ball, you lose both legs And now my competition is past If you hate me because of that, I say you’re right If I was you, I would hate me too I have the shit homie I can’t even spend all my money Keep your daughter in sight. or you will be my family I’ll take your daughter and let her make clean 101 Barz - this is the first time but I came hard! I came alone, I don't have a back-up I came because I mean it Check it
We shouldn't come down on him too hard. This isn't nearly as bad as the abortion spewed out by Andy Cole. Nevertheless he should stick to soccer and leave the rapping to experts like Kobe** and Shaq.
**Sweet baby jesus, this is the first time I've seen that Kobe video. That's a Rwanda-level atrocity.
It is a widely-accepted quasi-fact that I loves me the soccer. Love it. Can’t get enough of it. Stupid for it. Pick whatever vaguely sexual metaphor you like and apply it to me and soccer and you will get the idea.
Because the quality of what is offered from our fair shores rarely strays out of the “meh” zone, I – and many others like me – get my fix by turning to soccer of the European variety, and most specifically the English Premier League. It’s like television or disgusting animal entrails euphemistically called “pudding”: if you want the really good stuff, you gotta go to England.
But I was still born and raised in this country, and my conception of professional sports was formed from watching them over here. When you start watching the EPL this mental framework leads to a slight disconnect when you realize that the English way of looking at sports is completely fucking insane. If you think too long about the differences you will slowly go mad, your brain eaten away by little gremlins that say “would you like a cup of tea?” while they devour your neurons.
There are a thousand little things, and most of them are terminology issues that you quickly assimilate like a second language. You learn that the standings are “the table,” that the game is played at a “ground” and not a stadium, and that the referee is actually a “wanker.” Other than that, you get used to singing profane songs while watching sporting events – “Fly Eagles Fly” has got nothing on “The Wanky Tottenham Hotspur” – and eventually getting up at 6AM on a Saturday to go to a bar to watch grown men kick a ball around on TV will become your new normal.
Two of these quirks, however, are so massive that they drive American sports fans – this one, at least – quite mad.
1) “History”
In the entire cosmology of sports, there is no single element more irrelevant to an individual contest than history. And this is in a world with things like DIPS, “quality starts,” and the save, the only statistic in which the phase of the moon is actually one of the deciding factors. English commentators and fans love to blather about history. Seriously. One of the popular songs sung against Chelsea fans actually has a line “you ain’t got no history.” It is beyond idiotic. It puts idiotic to shame. Idiotic cannot hold a brain-draining candle to the notion that history is a factor in whether your team is good or not.
To put it in context, a soccer fan COUGH Liverpool COUGH talking about their team’s brilliant “history” and/or/vis a vis your team’s lack thereof is roughly equivalent to a Jets fan claiming that they are - RIGHT NOW - better than, say, the Eagles because did you fucking SEE us in Super Bowl III? We kicked ASS twenty years before I was born!
I mean, if Jets fans weren’t charity cases as things stand now, can you imagine if they talked like that? They’d be euthanized to protect the future from their genes.
The fact that past glories, however many and varied, have absolutely no bearing on what’s going on down on a field right now is a completely alien concept to fans like this. What I eat for dinner five time zones away has about as much effect on Arsenal v. Newcastle as the history of the two teams, though in fairness there is very little anywhere that can have a positive effect on Newcastle.
Now it’s true that there are historical elements of soccer that are definite indicators of quality – Chelsea’s 85-game home streak without a loss, Real Madrid’s 943,000 trophies, Newcastle’s 53-year trophyless streak – but when Aston Villa plays Swansea in the FA Cup and we are told that Swansea hasn’t won at Villa Park since that famous day in 1941 blah blah blah yackity schmackity, it means absolutely jack shit unless we’re going to call in Herbert West, Reanimator to turn the guys who actually played that game into zombies and send THEM out on the pitch. If that were the case I might actually toss a ten-spot on Swansea at 14-1, but until something out of HP Lovecraft is involved please shut the almighty fuck up about history.
2) “Mind Games”
Can you imagine that, let’s say, the day before Patriots-Colts in the AFC Championship, Bill Belichick was asked at a press conference what he thought of the Colts and his answer was:
“Well, you know what, the Colts fucking blow. I swear to god Peyton Manning is such an assmonkey, it really makes me sick. Who the fuck do they think they are, anway? Look at them. Their guards are undersized, their safeties couldn’t bring down a figure skater, their linebackers are older than my grandmother, and I’m pretty sure Tony Dungy once sprained his back trying to suck his own cock.”
Okay, maybe Belichick isn’t the most unrealistic example in this specific case but imagine, like, Mike Tomlin saying that (after he heals from the two black eyes, swollen lip, and fractured coccyx Jim Johnson just gave him). The press would go BERSERK. ESPN would run it on a non-stoploop for weeks. He’d get fired 5 minutes later and Goodell would probably toss him in a re-education camp for good measure.
In the Premier League managers say shit just like this EVERY WEEK.
And instead of calling them crazy people, the press just labels it as “mind games” – I’m serious, that’s the exact phrase they use - and goes on to tell us what happened when Manchester United played Preston North End in 1902 and of what great import that is to their match tomorrow. It transcends insanity.
Now don’t get me wrong, behind closed doors I’m sure coaches in any sport in this country trash talk other teams. But you don’t slam the other guy in public. You express nothing but respect and admiration for your opponent and heap praise on them, even if you’re Joe Paterno and you’re “playing” Temple that week (and he did, I heard his press conference). That’s the kind of thing you learn in fucking high school. To publicly run down your opponents is so startlingly unprofessional I’m still blown away when they do it, and I just advocated a eugenics program to eliminate Jets fans for Chrissakes.
Yet this is a common practice over there. You actually have to go to classes for a year and get a fucking LICENSE to manage a Premiership team, and “don’t slam the other guy in the papers” apparently isn’t part of the curriculum. It boggles the mind.
Then again, this is a country that eats the parts of animals even Native Americans couldn’t find a use for, so prion diseases are probably a lot more common.
This guy here is Bruce Marziani, he's from Philadelphia and he's a Dallas Cowboys fan...for no reason whatsoever. We all know people like this, from a town with thriving sports franchises yet rooting for another team from another town that probably has had some recent success or is the rival of the home team town and we all hate them. Being from DC, I know this phenomenon to be true all too often. Well, looks like the Football Gods have spoken against Bruce.
Bruce flew down to Dallas to watch his favorite team face his hometown Philadelphia Eagles, presumably so he didn't get beat up watching this same match-up at home later in the year, and he brought with him some autographed memorabilia to hopefully get some more signatures put upon them. Part of his collection he brought included a helmet signed by Troy Aikman he said was valued at $900 and a NFL Cowboy game autographed program worth around $700 (i know, seems high right?). All of this must have severly angered the Football Gods because for some reason, he left that stuff in his hotel room during the game and someone broke in and stole them along with his computer and camera.
Sucks for the guy if the story is true, but why didn't he bring that stuff with him if he was trying to get some more autographs on them? And why didn't he bring his camera with him if he was going to the football game? Did he just forget the whole reason why he went to the game? And if he had over $1500 of valuables in his room...why didn't he lock any of it up? Has he ever stayed in a hotel room before?
Of course its wrong to blame the victim, but i'm just saying, karma is a bitch...root for your home team or the Football Gods will apparently deal with you in unfortunate ways. Its not his fault his stuff got jacked, but it is his fault he's a Dallas fan and for that, there are consequences.
Jorge Posada doesn't know when to leave well enough alone. He decided to go there and revisit the infamous 2003 Red Sox-Yankees brawl which resulted Pedro tossing Don Zimmer like a Mississippi River sandbag.
Posada, in an interview with Michael Kay on the YES network's Centerstage, didn't hold back.
"I thought he was going to hit me in the head with a bat after we had the fight and he pushed Don Zimmer," Posada said. "It was ridiculous. I mean, he throws at Karim Garcia because he's losing the game. I mean, there's no class."
Pedro took Posada's comments with a grain of salt and laughed them off ... Yeah not so much.
"When I pointed to the head, it wasn't precisely to tell him that I wanted to hit him in the head," Martinez said. "Nah. He's a human being, he has a family, and I'm a professional. [The pointing to the head] was because he cursed my mom. I was telling him, 'I'll remember that.' "
"He knows - he's Latin, as much as he pretends to be American, he's Latin - that cursing your mom in Latin America will get you into a fight," Martinez said. "That's something I would never do to his mom, because she doesn't play. She's not on the field. She's someone you admire and respect, and I didn't like that."
The New York Post called Pedro livid and called his response blistering. Can't you sense the rageahol coursing through his veins? Jorge better watch himself. He saw what happened to the old man. Does he think Pedro would hold back on him? He might catch a midget upside the head if he's not careful.
FRESNO, Calif. — A stranger broke into a home east of Fresno, rubbed spices on the body of one of two men as they slept and used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man in the face and head before he fled, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday.
Lt. Ian Burrimond said a suspect was found in a nearby field and taken into custody. Deputies, he said, had no problem linking a suspect to the crime: "It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID."
Arrested was a 22-year-old Fresno resident.
The spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, were taken from the victims' kitchen.
He said money that had been taken was recovered, but the sausage was discarded and eaten by a dog. "That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said.
I don't know how they get down in Fresno but if this is the regular, it's no wonder David Carr is so gun-shy. I'd hate to go to sleep wondering if I'll make it through the night without being assaulted with food. However if I have to be thrashed with food, I prefer the pig and salted meats above all others.
The US government finally stepped in with an $85 billion loan to save AIG's ass after several banks backed away like someone just hurled on the conference table. Apparently AIG is too big to fail but Lehman Brothers isn't. Don't worry, we're getting to the sports.
AIG, in addition to being a clusterfuck, is also the shirt sponsor of Manchester United. Their four-year, £56.5 million sponsorship deal with Man U is the largest in English soccer. So this begs the question. What design should Man U have on their jersey now that the AIG is the US government's bitch? The Fed Seal is always good. Fuck yeah.
I suck with the Photo Shoppin' so pass on some ideas in the comments or send along some designs. We'll make the best designs into t-shirts so you can show your bandwagon support for Manchester U. Go team!! De-fense!!
Too bad XL (West Ham) didn't have a savior. Oh wait, they did. Themselves. West Ham's owner was propping up XL but decided not to refinance the debt. As of now, they will play with no sponsor. Feel free to also pass along any thoughts on who should be West Ham's sponsor.
Don't front like the thought hasn't crossed your mind. Would you really be surprised if it turned out Usain Bolt was on the juice? I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'm not saying he's juiced but Carl Lewis is.
Speaking to Sports Illustrated, Lewis said,
“When people ask me about Bolt I say he could be the greatest athlete of all time. But for someone to run 10.03 one year and 9.69 the next, if you don’t question that in a sport that has the reputation it has right now, you’re a fool. Period.”
The Times of London calls Lewis' comments incendiary but he does have a point. Granted Bolt hasn't tested positive for anything yet but that is a huge time reduction.
Lewis also calls out Jamaica's drug testing setup.
“I’m proud of America right now because we have the best random and most comprehensive drug-testing programme. Countries like Jamaica do not have a random programme, so they can go months without being tested. No one is accusing Bolt, but don’t live by a different rule and expect the same kind of respect. How dare anybody feel that there shouldn’t be scrutiny, especially in our sport?”
There it is. Usain Bolt has been called out. Will anything come of this? Unlikely. Will it result in increased scrutiny? Who knows. Track and field is lucrative but it could also use a big name star personality like Usain Bolt. The danger is that increased positive drug tests especially from stars could end up tainting the sport. All one needs to do is take a look at the public image of cycling.
Lewis better watch out. The Jamaicans might send Screwface after him. "Him dead and him don't even know it!" One could also say it takes a fool to know a fool. His acting and singing make him a prime candidate for an electrified fooling machine.
A good donkey but still a donkey. Check out this brilliant play by him from the first half of last night's scorefest between the Eagles and Cowboys. DeSean decided to celebrate a touchdown before crossing the goaline with hilarious results. Let's go to the tape.
Yeah, playboy. Leon Lett salutes your vigor. Oh and fuck you for stealing 12 points away from me by denying McNabb a touchdown.
Last night's game was insane. If you went to bed early like some or live in DC and lost your cable and internet in the first quarter like Chimp Rage, you missed what might end up being the best game of the season. Both teams decided to play defense like the Rams for our pleasure and Tony Kornheiser lost his mind more than usual when trying to wax poetic about the Cowboys. This game had everything except defense.
We already know that Vince Wilfork's** wife Bianca almost missed their wedding because she was up $40,000 in roulette while in Vegas. There's also this nugget about her from Sunday's Pats-Jets game.
"She was wearing a jersey with No. 75 on it, with "Wifey" on the back. Hundreds of red and clear Swarovski crystals were stitched into the jersey letters and numbering."
Nothing says school on a Saturday like a blinged out jersey with the name "Wifey" on the back.
Perhaps the Jets should buy Laveranues Coles a blowup doll of Chad Pennington. He could talk to it, lay with it and remember all the special times that he used to share with his good ol' buddy.
Coles hasn't gotten over the loss of Chad Pennington due to the arrival of Brett Favre. To his credit (?), he hasn't been extremely vocal but he needs to get over it. He's all broken up because the Jets decided to upgrade the QB position and give themselves a shot at the postseason.
"I don't have a feel for him and he doesn't have a feel for me," Coles said yesterday of his on-field relationship with Favre. "That is one of the things I am going to have to deal with. In the past I've always known when the ball was coming. Now you don't really know."
Coles, who missed the four preseason games with a hamstring injury, has not sounded enthusiastic about having Favre as his quarterback and didn't again yesterday, but he said Sunday that's a product of loyalty toward Pennington.
Wah. Sorry the Jets decided to get a QB who can throw the ball more than seven yards. Sorry they decided to think about what was best for the team as opposed to Coles' feelings. Next time the Jets decide to make a personnel move, Eric Mangini and Woody Johnson should come to Coles and ask how it would make him feel. Even Nicolas Anelka doesn't want to hear it anymore.
There's nothing wrong with being upset over losing a friend but Coles might want to remember that this is a business and not a support group. He has been seen laughing and talking with Favre and their lockers are next to each other.
If Coles wants to win, he'll realize that Favre is the best chance he'll ever have of accomplishing anything on the Jets. Then again he did request a trade to the Jets so he can't be that interested in success. This is the same guy who whined about the lack of big plays on the Redskins yet wouldn't get surgery to fix his toe. Maybe he doesn't have chemistry with Favre because he missed the preseason. It's your job to adjust so get on with it. No one wants to hear bitching about former teammates. It happens all the time. There are these things called phones and the interwebs. Learn them. Use them. Love them.
Maybe we've been too hard on Laveranues. We'll leave you with a tribute to LC and his buddy CP.
"Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your team is responsible for most of the cash so I'm gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise I will take a finger of each of you and your teammates' hands for everyday that passes without payment. And then when you run out of digits, your dad's bar and who knows what then. All right, my son?"
It sucks to be West Ham midfielder Matthew Etherington. He's lucky he still has all his fingers. He has West Ham to thank for that. They were forced to give Etherington enough money to choke a dozen donkeys after he came to them for help with a gambling debt.
Etherington, a recovering gambling addict, fell prey to the neon claws of Gamblor and suffered a minor relapse. This one only cost him £800,000. However the debt wasn't his only problem. He was forced to approach the club for a loan after receiving death threats. West Ham officials were worried enough to advance him £300,000 to pay down the debt. They might regret that after losing their sponsor XL late last week. The threats he received from his bookie were "nasty and personal" as opposed to pleasant and impersonal. The rudeness was more than he could bear.
That's right, MLS. Expand to the city with possibly the worst sports fans in the country. It didn't work last time so it has to work this time.
Jason Collins gets a "Funji" hand job from Tim Duncan. That's the effort that makes Big Fundamentals an All-Star.
I've been to Minneapolis and I can tell you that it's not a bad town. It gets hella cold but you don't have to go above ground during winter. There's certainly no need to attempt ending your basketball career over a trade to the Timberwolves. Mark Madsen tried it last year on a jet ski and now Jason Collins is laid up after an accident with an unlikely explanation.
Collins will miss training camp and the first week of the season after crashing a golf cart in California. The official story is that the cart flipped after hitting a wet surface. He underwent surgery on his triceps tendon in his elbow and will be out for eight weeks.
The wet spot excuse? Really? No one likes the wet spot but that's a bit much. I would have gone for the racialist angle. The cart had a problem with a black man on a golf course even though he was clean and well-spoken. He was even a KA in college. Sheeeit, that's straight Confederate right there. There's no word on whether he was found with his pants down and a porno playing in the cart. What? Too soon?
I guess one child molester among a group of referees is understandable. Don't all referees stuff the flag down the pants so everyone knows who got the penalty? It's hard to separate the professionals from the predators. However multiple molesters and kiddie porn purveyors are just unacceptable.
Along with child pornography and molestation charges, sports officials -- who are paid between $30-$70 a game -- have been convicted of gun crimes, drug offenses, assaults, animal abuse, fraud, various forms of theft, crimes of falsity, drunken driving and auto accidents that caused deaths.
Despite those troubling findings, Bradley R. Cashman, executive director of the PIAA, says there is no need for his organization to require officials to undergo criminal background checks. The PIAA relies instead on a self-reporting system that has become a don't-tell-don't-ask policy.
Let's put the criminal records aside for a moment. Don't ask, don't tell is the policy when it comes to people who are going to be around children?
The Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletic Association's position opposing criminal background checks for athletic officials is based on the notion refs are never in unsupervised one-on-one situations with students. Though partially funded by tax dollars, the PIAA also maintains it is not bound by state laws requiring checks on anyone in contact with children ... The PIAA has contended it has sufficient checks and balances in its own regulatory process over officials, and forcing background checks on the state's 13,700 officials would create an expensive regulatory nightmare.
Parents will be pleased to know their son or daughter might get a dick in the ass because it's too expensive to check out the ref. They're never one on one on the field so parents shouldn't worry about it. I mean really, why is everyone making a big stink about this? So what if a ref decides to let one loose while thinking about your son or daughter? No harm, no foul. Right?
Referees who have been convicted of various charges were allowed to continue working for the PIAA. One didn't have his refereeing license revoked until he was sent to federal prison. That was almost two years after he faced charges for distributing kiddie porn.
Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry may win on sheer numbers but when it comes to style, they have nothing on Aston Villa striker Gabriel "Gabby" Agbonlahor. Gabby scored a hat trick in Villa's first game of the season. That's good. He also scored a hat trick in the bedroom and knocked up three girls practically at the same time. That's bad.
See if you can follow the trail of stupidity. It's long and complicated. Use the picture key below and try not to slip on the amniotic fluid. Gabby was dating baby mama #1 before he hit the big time. She even moved in with him. He met baby mama #2 in 2006 while on holiday in Greece. Four months later, he was getting in the stink box of baby mama #3 who was previously the WAG of useless Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas.
Here's where things get complicated. #1 found texts to Gabby from #3. He told #1 that she was just a groupie and there was nothing to worry about. #3 kept sending texts so #1 called her to find out what was up. #3 turned around and confronted Gabby who told her that #1 was just a psycho ex who was getting all Single White Female on his ass and couldn't let go. Meanwhile he was still rolling with #2. #1 finally found out about #2 but he claimed she was another groupie.
Stay with us. It's about to get "stupider". #3 got pregnant. #1 gave her a call and dropped the bomb that she was also pregnant and Gabby was still messing with #2. He told #1 and #3 that he wasn't ready for a kid and they could do what they wanted but he wasn't having it. They both got abortions. He was a gentleman and paid for #3's baby vacuum while leaving #1 to fend for herself. Two months later, #1 moved back in with him but he was still creeping with #2 and #3. Sure enough, he ended up knocking up #2. She decided to keep the baby and call him Gabriel Agbonlahor Jr. Now she lives in a house that he owns.
Congratulations if you're still with this and you're aren't drooling on yourself. The lesson here is that European groupies get abortions. Hopefully Shawn Kemp doesn't figure how they get down over there. Italy will start thinking they have an illegal baby immigration problem before they realize they're all being made in-house. Population decline solved. Shit on your hands and slap yourself, Italy. It's Shawn Kemp's world and you're about to catch the supersonic sperm wave.
Usain Bolt is apparently bored with making his competition look like bitches. He's beaten all comers and set records in all of his events. These activities no longer amuse him so he's going to start training with Real Madrid.
“I've watched van Nistelrooy from when he was with Manchester United, so I know he's a great, great guy so I look forward to meeting these guys.''
In other words, he's looking forward to owning them too.
Maybe OJ Simpson will wish he was better at stealing satellite signals. If he was, he might not be facing jail time like he ... Who the hell are we kidding? It's OJ. He'd do something eventually although he probably didn't count on getting beat down by his daughter.
Now it looks like his time is finally up. After a contentious voir dire, an all-white jury was seated in his current case. He's fucked.
There's been quite an stir in Manchester since the Abu Dhabi Oil Concern swooped in and bought Manchester City from everyone's favorite human rights advocate and former non-corrupt Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra. Unlike Roman Abramovich at Chelsea, City's owners wasted little time in addressing their fans about their plans for the club.
Fuck a five-year plan. When you're richer than astronauts, it's all about the one-year plan. Now that's change you can believe in.
I don't know about you, but sometimes, I get a little bored watching most sports movies. I watch enough baseball, basketball, football, hockey,boxing, etc that watching a movie about the sport is kind of tough for me to sit through most times. The worst thing about them is that whenever they have to do on the field action, since I watch those sports so much, I can tell when it isn't being all that realistic and that ruins most sports movies for me. You pretty much have to make a perfect movie for it to gain any traction with me and there are a few that qualify, but most don't.
The solution to this is that people need to make more movies about fake sports. How the hell can you know if the movie is unrealistic when they make all the rules? What a perfect solution. I don't know why Hollywood hasn't done much with this idea. Well, to help you out, I'm going to give you the 5 best movies out there that created their own sports. These movies, as cheesy as they are, at least tried to buck the trend of traditional sports movie making by creating a world of their own where the only rules that are followed are the ones they make up.
5.) Rollerball (1975 & 2002)
We all know this movie since they've made the same film twice, but the basic concept of the sport is that you try to put the metal ball into the goal, by any means possible...including killing your opponents while skating around in a roller derby-like rink with motorcycles and people with weapons around you. Future sports are quite violent. Some derivative of this sport should be created dammit, roller derby needs a ball in it to be a real sport! Both versions of the movie are quality, B movie level of entertainment containing plenty of violence and sport with enough background intrigue and backstabbing to make the movies fun watches for all, especially when inebriated, but if you have to watch one, you must check out the original 1975 version only because its got James Cann at his finest. This clip here is a little taste of the drama that can come from a fake sports movie.
4.) BASEketball (1998)
Classic comedy about the way sports should be. A league where everyone gets paid the same and teams can't change cities, how much would Seattle love the NBA to be like this? Basketball played with baseball rules, does it get any easier? I dunno why no one has thought to try this for real? Oh right, it probably would suck. Made by the South Park creators so if by some reason you haven't seen it, you can be assured that the movie will have its high points to help balance out its lows, this movie is just on the list because it would be great if fans wouldnt have to worry about their teams and players leaving town for more money?
3.) Death Race 2000 (1975 or Death Race 2008)
This movie just got remade and came out again this year, but if you haven't seen either version, if you ever wanted to know where, when you see a pedestrian on the road and someone in the car says "two points if you hit him/her" comes from...its Death Race 2000. A movie about a cross country race where if you kill pedestrians you get more points. What a fun sport this is, I told you future sports movies were violent. Its not likely that this sport could become reality today, but you never know with those crazy Japanese. Anyway, if you thought David Carradine was badass in Kill Bill, you haven't seen anything...Classic!
2.) Robot Jox (1990)
I do not think I could explain the awesomeness of this movie or sport on my own, I can't do it justice. Just watch the trailer and wonder why you haven't seen it yet...we need robot/human fighters now.
1.) The Running Man (1987)
This is definitely on my top movie list...not like top 10 or top 20, but i do own it on DVD which means its up there. This movie is more of a game show than sport, but it does involve a lot of athleticism to survive being killed so I'm putting it on the list and making it my number one. A movie where you run away from people trying to kill you, killing them if you can, and if you escape alive, you win. It boils down all the rules and gamesmanship in sports today down to a simple yes/no equation. Did you die? If the answer is no, you win. What could be a more perfect sport than this? People in sports talk about them being like life or death moments, but this one IS one of those moments. Arnold is in classic form in this, watch him take out Sub Zero. God I miss Richard Dawson...GOD i am old.
What other fake sports movies are out there and what fake sport do you want to see in film?
Ok, this is borderline NSFW, but if it was broadcast on ESPN, it'l be put on here. Check out this UTEP fan enjoying himself a little rubbin on the nubbin from his lady friend. Now THATS how you watch some football. Hell to the yea playboy.
And so continues the shit show that is Newcastle United. In one week, owner Mike Ashley managed to lose manager and club legend Kevin "King Kev" Keegan and turn the entire fan base against him. There's nothing worse than having legions of pasty, shirtless, middle aged men turn against you. Well they could also be illiterate and end up "boycoutting" the club. You would think that Ashley would be spending his time getting the club's affairs in order but don't forget that we are talking about an owner and a club that embraces mediocrity and delusions of grandeur.
[Ashley] and three other men, including one man named only as PK, downed an amazing 175 bottles of Cristal Champagne — the club’s entire stock.
They also necked 16 bottles of Dom Perignon, 29 of PJ Fleur Rose and three of Grey Goose Vodka. Onlookers in the club on Wednesday night said Ashley was “slaughtered” and soaked from head to foot in Champagne as he sprayed £450 bottles of Cristal over his pals and handed out drinks and bottles to scantily-clad girls — getting some to pour booze into his mouth.
The mammoth bar bill included a £30,000 tip to waitresses and a four-figure tip to security. Ashley started off by ordering ten bottles of Cristal. But as the booze flowed he ordered 100 More — at a cost of nearly £43,000.
One onlooker at the run-down looking club said: “Ashley was slaughtered — soaked from head to foot in Champagne and slurring his words.
“He kept spraying Champagne over himself and his friends, and he kept ordering more and more bottles of Cristal — handing them out randomly to his friends, girls standing nearby and nearby tables.
He ended up “staggering out with his arms around two much younger, pretty girls.”
Nothing says all is well like making it rain with champagne. It's only a matter of time until we hear about a sex boat in the North Sea. If Daunte Culpepper was smart, he'd take the sex boat business abroad and make some ends since he's giving up on football.
As I am slowly stewed in the cauldron of misery that is being an Eagles fan, today I take some heart in the fact that the Birds are taking on the Rams, who had (in terms of points allowed, at least) the second-worst defense in the NFL last year. They gave it up more than the DOLPHINS, and those poor bastards only won one game.
The best part is that this is an IMPROVEMENT for St. Louis. Back in the bright halcyon days of Warner, Faulk, Bruce, Holt, and those other guys, Mike Martz basically realized "hey, if I can score 45 points a game I don't even need to PLAY defense." And for the most part they did not, and we salute them for their bravery in essentially abandoning 50% or so of football.
In celebration of the full-fledged return of the NFL and the beginning of the Brian Westbrook Countdown To Injury And With It The End Of The Eagles Season, let's take a look at some other historically awful defenses.
L.A. Galaxy, 2008
It is said by some that soccer is a dumb game. These people are wrong and stupid, unless their only exposure to soccer is watching the display of hapless shenaniganery that is the Galaxy D. If that is the exceedingly unlikely case than yes, what you are watching is, in fact, both wrong AND stupid. They managed to broadcast their genre-defining ineptitude on national television a few weeks back when they played Chicago on the ESPN Thursday night game and a group of so-called professional soccer players were run ragged by a 36-year old who was barely a year off having a small explosive device go off inside his knee and a guy who, quite tellingly, has scored half of his career MLS goals against Los Angeles.
Don't get me wrong. I loves me the B-Mac. But Brian McBride is not exactly the height of human physical potential any more. Talented though he may be, Brian McBride is one slow-ass motherfucker. You're sitting there reading this on a Sunday morning, sipping your coffee and hoping you'll be completely awake before the games start and you are, at this moment, as fast as Brian McBride. You would probably bag two or three goals were you to end up in a game against the Galaxy.
Kentucky Men's Basketball, March 28, 1992
Yeah, you played well for 39 minutes and 57.9 seconds. Unfortunately, a college basketball game is, in fact, 40 minutes long.
I would have loved to hear the huddle talk before this one. "Let's see, Grant Hill is on the inbounds, don't have to worry about him... hey, I've got an idea. Let's cover everybody! I mean, there's a CHANCE they won't try and get it to the 6'11" guy, right?"
You go through all that shit to beat Duke and then you fuck it up in the last 0.08% of the game. For shame, Kentucky Wildcats. For shame.
On the plus side, you did give me and my friends a ton of enjoyment when we spent every free moment for a solid week afterwards in our high school gym trying to replicate Laettner's shot. I don't think anyone ever did, but then again none of us were on the Dream Team either. Also I went to a snooty prep school so we were all probably wearing wingtips too.
Newcastle United, eternally
Here's another great idea in the history of sports. Let's take Shay Given, who by any account is a very, very good goalkeeper, and then put a bunch of fucking sock monkeys in front of him and call it a defense, thus insuring that we will lose all the time because our world-class keeper has to make 453 saves every game. Also we will let opposing forwards just run into him like a Ferrari and tear his bowels into small pieces.
Some might argue this point, and to those sad chowderheads I have two words: Titus Bramble.
What, still arguing? Here's two more words: Jean-Alain Boumsong.
A word of advice: if one of your defenders was once voted "Worst Player In The Premiership," your defense is pretty bad.
Nazi Germany, 1944-1945
"Well, all right, boys! Well done all! We've conquered most of mainland Europe, we have tanks and barbed wire and machine guns and thousands upon thousands of troops covering every single intersection between Calais and St. Petersburg... looks to me like this war is WON, fellas! Break out the champagne! No, Strauss, you Bavarian dumbass, not that sparkling wine crap! CHAMPAGNE! The real thing! We didn't conquer the damn province for nothing.
"What? Americans? What Americans? Those lazy assholes aren't gonna do a damn thing...
"Ah. Hm. I see. Yes. Well, er... Berlin, you say? Right this way, Mister Eisenhower."
Imperial Navy, Battle of Endor, 4 ABY
Seriously, HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP? You are the Galactic Empire. You have Star Destroyers up the yin-yang. You have, by all accounts, an inexhaustible supply of cannon fodder in TIE Fighters alone, never mind stormtroopers. Yes, we know your soldiers (and probably your pilots) can't hit the broad side of a barn with a basketball. That shouldn't matter. You have a giant space station that BLOWS UP PLANETS, and you get your ass handed to you by Billy Dee, a talking squid, and some other kind of talking cephalopod.
How about a little discipline in the face of a technologically inferior enemy that you massively outnumber who can not, it should be noted, BLOW UP FUCKING PLANETS? Jesus, who are you guys, Newcastle? Your ships are Star Destroyers. That rolls off the tongue, don't it? Ssssstarrrr Destroyyyyyyerssss. Your ships destroy stars. Their ships are named after letters. Do I want a ship that destroys stars, or the ship that yesterday's episode of Sesame Street was brought to me by? Hmm. Tough choice. And still you manage to lose to these multi-culti douchebags. Sad.
(For the record, Admiral Ackbar is obviously the squid; I'm not sure what Nien Nunb is. An octopus, perhaps? Also it is worth noting that this is still my favorite sequence from any movie, ever. It is the Platonic ideal of Awesome.)
And so, the beginning of kickoff Sunday and another season of wishing Terry Bradshaw would somehow suffer some kind of tropical infection that would render him mute is almost upon us.
Against the Rams defense, a worthy addition to this pantheon, the Eagles are 9 point favorites. If you don't recognize that as a sucker line, congratulations! You are not an Eagles fan. Man I wish I knew what that's like. Must be sweet.
New head coach, new offensive scheme, new play-caller, new defensive coordinator, similar but different defensive scheme and playing without the teams best defensive back in Shawn Springs...could Redskins fans really have expected anything better than the dismal and disjointed 16-7 loss that ensued?
I actually expected the Redskins would lose this game, but what I did not expect were these things:
1) Lack of a passing game
I'm not talking about expecting Jason Campbell to become the 2nd coming of the mighty Matt Hasselbeck, I just expected that the Redskins would actually get a passing yard before the last 2 minutes of the 2nd quarter. Campbell didn't complete a pass until there was 1:19 left in the first half and luckily his 2nd completion was for a TD.
Here's what my armchair quarterback coach self saw. Jason Campbell was not in sync with any of his receivers. He was either waiting for a route to be run right or waiting for the one receiver he was, for some reason, locked in on to get open or not reading the defenses correctly to throw the ball to where they weren't since they were blitzing a lot or his line was breaking down around him, partly because he was holding onto the ball for too long. All of this happened, sometimes they all happened on the same play.
I'm not saying its all Campbell's fault, receivers do run bad routes and linemen do miss tackles, but on numerous occasions in the 1st half there were open players right in the middle of the field to pass to while Campbell was locked into Moss or Randle-El on the sidelines. Why didn't he throw to his tight ends more? Cooley and Yoder are perfect safety outlets and would have saved Campbell on numerous occasions.
2) The Defense bent a lot...but luckily only broke once.
This is not last year's GGGregg Williams defense. The exotic blitz packages are gone and it showed. If the Redskins thought they could get pressure with a 4 man front that was the same as last year plus Jason Taylor, who is looked like Bruce Smith II in this game, then they are going to get beat like a rag all season.
This was a defense without its best player, Shawn Springs, so why did they not do more zone coverage to help cover up that huge hole? It appeared to me at least that there was single man coverage on most the receivers, especially Plaxico Burress who beat them repeatedly. With all that man coverage, the Giants were able to dink and dunk slants and curls all over the joint since there was no, from my vantage point, underneath coverage. It was like the Redskins were playing a Man Prevent the entire game. The cushions the Giants receivers were given were ginormous and they took advantage the entire game.
And what the hell is up with Brandon Jacobs? Redskins D line turned him into Christian Okoye out there. London Fletcher had more tackles than the entire D line did. That will not win football games.
By the grace of God, the Giants offense couldn't take full advantage of any of this and only got 1 touchdown, giving Redskins fans everywhere the false hope that they could actually come back.
3) The Head Coach is awful new at this
Why did Zorn not get the Redskins in the hurry up offense starting with the start of their 2nd to last possession with 6 minutes left in the game? They were down 2 scores and weren't moving the ball all that quickly before, but the coach kept them huddling up and even ran the ball twice when the clock was under 4 minutes.
I'm also going to question the decision to go for it on 4th and 13 on the 43 yard line with 2 minutes left and down by 2 scores. That is hardly a gimme field goal and I guess Zorn didn't think that Suisham could kick a 55 yarder with great success, the flip side is that if they did kick and make it, they would only need 1 score and could probably get the ball back (which they did when they didn't convert the 4th down) and try to score again. See, by going for it on 4th down though Zorn pretty much ended the game.
If you miss the kick or not get the first down the result is the same, the game is over. If you make the 1st down, you have 2 minutes left, 4 more time sucking plays and all your time outs to score from 30 yards out, give the ball back to the giants, and try to stop them with time left to get another score. That is an awful lot to ask, but if you make the kick, you're down by 1 score with just under 2 minutes left, you give the ball back and need a stop with all your timeouts left to try to get time to get another score. With those two scenarios, the one that would give the Redskins the most time on the clock to get the 2nd score is kicking the field goal.
So what to expect in the future? Luckily, all of this is correctable. Its all just practice and scheming at this point. The players are just as talented as most teams in the league. The coaches need to work harder to game plan better (the D's halftime adjustments were quite good) and the players need to practice more to get their act together. The Defense looks mediocre right now and on offense they don't even look that. They should at least strive for being average.
Zorn photo (AP Photo/Bill Kostroun); (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images) Campbell photo(Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images) Jacobs photo (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)
Fox Sports new color analyst and former Ravens' head coach, the offensive genius, Brian Billick is gonna start blogging. He's signed a deal with Nestor "Nasty" Aparicio and his Baltimore radio station WNST-AM 1570 to help be a part of their new website which is supposed to be an "online sports community" that would combine Facebook, Youtube and ESPN.com with blogs aplenty, news, videos and podcasts. This might just be the trendiest website ever. It's due to launch in 90 days and the featured blogger on the site as of now is none other than the big brain himself, Brian Billick.
“I’ll have observations about what’s going on in the league,” he said. “Certainly I may have an observation or two about the Baltimore Ravens.”
Lord knows the man will have the time to blog but to bank on people wanting to hear the rantings of a fired ex-coach is a little much. In addition to Billick, the site will have local, Baltimore area, experts writing on the Ravens, Orioles, hunting, fishing and other fun topics.
This might be the most unnecessary website ever created, Billick is a little behind the curve on this one. As a matter of fact, the only time Billick was ahead of the curve was when he had Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss on his team...everyone knows Marvin Lewis won that Super Bowl.
What can you say about the Detroit Lions? They have a QB who thinks God's going to help him win 10 games a season. Still waiting on that. A GM who makes Dan Duquette look like a genius and a running back who makes Harry and Lloyd look like Mensa candidates. Excuse me, Flo. What's the soup du jour?
Matt Millen signed former Bengals running back Rudi Johnson after releasing the next Defensive Player of the Year. Tatum Bell didn't take too kindly to that and that's when things got weird.
...As we’re told by a reliable source ... Johnson left his bags outside CEO Matt Millen’s office while he met with team officials and, ultimately, worked out a deal with the team.
So when Johnson came back to get his bags, they were nowhere to be found. Johnson and Millen were stumped.
The team checked the videotapes generated by the team’s in-house surveillance system, and they quickly identified the culprit.
So who might it have been? None other than Tatum Bell, who lost his gig with the Lions after Rudi arrived.
PFT explains that Bell took the bags to a female acquaintance's house. When confronted (presumably by Millen wearing a bobby hat), he claimed he thought the bags belong to someone he knew. The acquaintance said she hadn't seen Bell for a couple months and he just showed up at her door asking her to hold on to the bags "for a while".
We disagree with Florio. We think Najeh Davenport would have had the appropriate response. There ain't no half-steppin' when it comes to our godfather. He would have opened those bags and let loose like a Gatling gun. Stupid's contagious at Ford Field. It's only a matter of time until Rudi's infected.
Ed Moran of the Philadelphia Daily News needs to cut Eric Lindros some slack. The guy's been to hell and back. If John McCain wants someone to follow Osama to the gates of Hell, Lindros is his man.
The Philadelphia Flyers play the Carolina Hurricanes in a preseason game on Sept. 27. The Flyers are using the game to honor all the captains in their history. 14 of them will be there. One won't. Lindros apparently has a "prior commitment". No doubt it's with a concussion.
Moran is disappointed that Lindros will not be there on the 27th. He does admit that the former captain had a falling out with the organization. That's putting it mildly considering he was called out by GM Bobby Clarke for being soft. He almost died after losing about half his body's blood volume due to a collapsed lung from internal bleeding of the chest wall. The team tried to make him fly after he was found in a tub "pale and cold" by teammate Keith Jones. It was independently confirmed that he would have died if he took the flight as the team wanted him to do.
Moran still thinks he should show up and be the better man. It may be about the fans but that's quite a bit to forgive and forget. Lindros is lucky if he remembers to put on his pants before he walks out the door. What's done is what's done and for all we know, he might get booed or catch a cheesesteak in the head. Who knows what that would do to him. If you want to see the effects of multiple concussions, turn on NFL Match-Up and check Merrill Hoge. His inane ramblings and Vince Young obsession are sad to watch. We don't want the same for #88. Let him go.
Fergie's finally assembled the greatest team in board game history. Watch his young guns go at it as Carlos Tevez and Anderson show you how it's done. I'm pretty sure a chimp could take them both at the same time.
I can't wait for Dimitar Berbatov to take on all comers with his collar popped like Cantona and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
Say what you want about douchebags with luxury sports cars but they might actually have gotten something right. It appears that women actually get aroused when they hear the revving engine of a finely tuned luxury sports car. A study was done by measuring levels of testosterone in the saliva of men and women before and after a car was turned on and revved, and, at least with the Maserati, 100% of the women tested had "significant increase in testosterone secretion" compared to only 50% of the men who were also tested. In case you hadn't figured it out by now, testosterone is a hormone that is indicative of arousal.
Other cars were tested and
Psychologist David Moxon, who conducted the study commissioned by motor insurer Hiscox, said: "We saw significant peaks, particularly in women."
"The roar of a luxury car engine does cause a primeval physiological response."
Oh and horrible news for all you guys who drive those Geo Prisms and Ford Escorts out there
He added the sound of an average car engine actually led to a decreased level of testosterone.
Yea that really sucks. Its a good thing I dont have a car and I rely on my super charm which beds women instantly...ok, thats not true at all.
Great article here by Dave Forester of the Virginian-Pilot on the current goings on of Michael Vick. Big surprise, he wants back in the NFL. Also, he hasn't talked at all about playing in the United Football League like a quote in an SI article said. Give it a read.
Here's one excuse you can tell the wifey while you're watching your team play in the most important game of the week...every week, watching sports improves your brain function.The best part of that statement is that it's not even a lie. Researchers at the University of Chicago have found that watching sports (or playing sports) "improves language skills when it comes to discussing their sport because parts of the brain usually involved in playing sports are instead used to understand sport language." I dunno what that means, OH WAIT, let me go watch some more sports to figure it out!
Ok, just watched some of the NFL preseason games on replay on the NFL network, basically it means that
"...non-language related activities, such as playing or watching a sport, enhance one's ability to understand language about their sport precisely because brain areas normally used to act become highly involved in language understanding," said Sian Beilock, Associate Professor in Psychology at the University of Chicago.
Oh wait, I didn't actually say that, I just copied it, I guess that means I should watch more sports so I could better convey it to you. What a great excuse this could be, "Honey, i'm watching sports so I can talk to you more and be a better listener because, as you know, watching sports increases my understanding of what you're saying!"
This is just brilliant. Bring on Thursday, i'm ready to watch some football!!! Err, then talk. Yes...that's the ticket.
Check these pictures of Mike Tyson doing his thing on the runway from Crunk and Disorderly. It's 1:00 AM. Do you know where your childrens is? I bet Iron Mike do. Hope they're halal.
As McCormick's says, "When it rains, it pours". It's been a Category 5 when it comes to the Baltimore Ravens and quarterbacks. (Too soon?) If there's one thing that can be said about the Ravens organization, it's that consistent mediocre quarterbacking is Job #1.
The Ravens treated the naming of Joe Flacco as the starter against the Bengals like bad political news. They were left with no choice after Troy Smith was taken down by a tonsil infection and Kyle Boller injured his shoulder presumably while fumbling. Instead of naming him on Friday afternoon, they waited until Labor Day when everyone is in a food coma or too drunk to notice.
"If anyone wrote this in a movie script, no one would believe it," [head coach] John Harbaugh said. "The thing that is kind of exciting is that you couldn't envision this scenario. It wasn't one that we planned."
This move should work out well especially with a patchwork offensive line that couldn't stop Trevor Reznik. If Flacco wants to know what his early season will be like, he should ask David Carr. That is, if Carr could stop flinching and screaming every time someone moves near him.
If Flacco can withstand the assault, he might be able to make something of himself. He definitely won't have to look over his shoulder. Boller might not be able to play this season and even if he can, he won't be an issue. Troy Smith keeps having mysterious medical ailments and who knows when he'll be back to 100%.
The Ravens attempted to address the back up situation by trying to sign the worst QB in NFL history. Joey Touchdown could be the next Ravens QB to fail miserably. He beat out Chris Simms and Todd Bouman but is still exploring his options. Of course Daunte Culpepper is nowhere to be found. Why try someone who might work? It's a great time to be a Ravens fan. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to find those new live Ravens mascots and have them poke my eyes out so I don't have to watch this season.
I bet you thought you were done with the Quad City DJ's. You can thank Napoli fans for bringing them back.
A group of Napoli fans bum rushed a Rome-bound train without tickets on Sunday. They wrecked several cars and passengers were forced to flee for their lives. Naples police ordered the train to leave for "public safety" reasons. They did this after ordering the paying passengers to take other trains. The train arrived in Rome and the planned soccer riot between Roma and Napoli fans took place after a short delay. Nothing stops the trains. Mussolini would be proud.
Leave it to the Portuguese to get bullfighting wrong.
Let me save you the trouble of thinking they're doing it wrong. They're not. Apparently bulls aren't allowed to be killed in Portuguese bullfighting rings. The fighters known as forcados aren't brave either. The horns are covered with leather to protect them. They're not just stupid. They're also lil' bitches. You want to impress me? Coat the horns with poison then run at the bull.
In the words of the New York Blues godfather, "Chelsea's arrogance has slapped them in the chops again and [Chelsea Chief Executive Peter] Kenyon deserves it". While most of us Americans were enjoying Labor Day BBQs, Chelsea was taking some major bukkake courtesy of Real Madrid and Manchester City.
The Robinho transfer saga finally ended with the Brazilian headed to the City of Manchester Stadium for £32.5million instead of Stamford Bridge. He said he wanted to go to Chelsea and was fighting for Real to let it happen. He even called a press conference in Madrid to reiterate his desire to move to to London.
Chelsea was so sure of the deal that they started selling Robinho shirts (see above) in their Megastore even before the deal was complete. As one might imagine, this infuriated Real who turned around and sold him to Man City.
You ask where the hell did Man City get the money considering owner and ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra's money is tied up and he's on the run. He's no longer the owner and Man City is now richer than Nazis. The club was bought by the Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment. The group will be represented on the board by Dr. Sulaiman Al Fahim who is only 30 years old. That's right. 30 fucking years old. He's ranked as the 16th most powerful Arab and has his own Apprentice show. In case you think Al Fahim is playing, Man City also bid on Dmitar Berbatov, David Villa and Mario Gomez today. Things just got a lot more interesting in the Premiership.
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