Hats off for poor Roger Clemens. He sat in front of a battery-powered television in his mansion on Sunday to watch the Yankees pay tribute to their greatest players expecting to see himself included among the greats. D'oh. No Roger. He got nothing and didn't like it.
"[Wife] Debbie and I held his hand while we watched the game, and he was heartbroken," said [mother-in-law Jan] Wild, 70. "Not mad. He still loves baseball and the Yankees, but it was sad what they did to him."
Hopefully his steroid-juiced heart won't explode from the heartache. All we need is Suzy Waldman screeching like a chain-smoking banshee about the injustice of it all. Strangely Joe Torre was not included in the video tribute as well.
Now I didn't watch a minute of the Yankee circle jerk on Sunday because the NFL immediately supersedes anything baseball-related. I also have no time for tributes to what really is a shit hole. Let's be honest. Yankee Stadium is a dump. Good riddance. I mean it's no Shea Stadium but it's not the greatest sporting venue known to man. Some would have us think it's more important that the Roman Coliseum.
Real Madrid's Guti is breathing a sigh of relief after almost getting beat down from a boxer. A deaf and dumb boxer. There's no shame in getting whupped by a professional but is there any if he's disabled?
Guti used to be tight with boxer Jorge Muñoz who is deaf. Some reports claim that he is also dumb. Muñoz has been unable to get a boxing licence from the Spanish Boxing Federation presumably because of his disabilities. Guti stood up for him and even wore shirts supporting his cause. For some reason, Guti stopped supporting Muñoz. Bad move.
Muñoz became furious over Guti's withdrawal of support. He began smashing windows like the Hulk and stalking the Real Madrid star. Things came to a head on Saturday when the two exchanged words and engaged in a car chase in which Guti tried to shake Muñoz by speeding into the Real Madrid training ground parking lot. Security tried to stop him but he slammed his car into them. We'll let the Guardian's Sid Lowe take it from here.
Two more security guards arrived on the scene to try to apprehend Muñoz but, as Marca brilliantly put it, "they came across a man who is very strong, physically prepared and his pugilistic knowledge."
Muñoz laid one out before the police arrived and eventually detained him, leaving him in custody and under a restraining order, Guti with bodyguards and some poor sod to clean up the blood at Valdebebas, while the headline writers gloried in Madrid's unimpressive but devastatingly effective 2-0 win in Santander: a victory that, according to both Marca and AS, demonstrated Madrid have "the knock-out power of a champion".
It's one thing to have a groupie stalker. It's another to be stalked by a deaf professional fighter. Why not add a jealous bear (animal or man) to the mix just to make it more interesting? When he says he can't hear you as you plead for mercy, he's not being facetious. It's also not clear how one can exchange words with a dumb person but I'm open to any explanation.
**Munoz is only deaf. He says that he is only 37% deaf. I suppose it's not quite Helen Keller.
Don't go kicking balls over Joey Porter when he's warming up. He's liable to wreck your quarterback. It wasn't enough for Joey to talk shit about Matt Cassel. He wanted the Patriots to know he was for real when he talked about whuppin' that ass. Apparently the kickers didn't believe him.
As his Dolphins stretched on their side of midfield, Porter said the Patriots kickers and some coaches walked through the team’s stretching lines. Chris Hanson then began punting the ball from Miami’s end zone over the rows of Miami players.
Joey wasn't having any of that.
“I’ve been playing in the league for 10 years and I feel like I’ve done some crazy things, but I never did that,” Porter said. “You can’t walk right down the middle of somebody’s stretch and start kicking out of the end zone like we’re not even here, like they had the whole 100 yards. They just didn’t want their 50, they wanted our 50, too.”
“They knew what it was going to do to me,” Porter said. “It was going to get me fired up. I don’t know if it was an attempt to get me thrown out of the game, but I was smart enough to keep my cool. It was just very disrespectful.”
That's not crazy. That's just sick. What kind of person, let alone a kicker, would do something fucked up like that? Channing "Snow White" Crowder doesn't get it either.
“He hates stuff like that. They got him going. Why would they do that? He’s already crazy, and they just poured fuel on it.”
Baring his belly at the opposing team during warmups isn't provocative. Getting in the way of bullets outside of bars or stomping Levi Jones in a casino isn't crazy either. Good thing we have Joey Porter to stay cool and make sense of things in this messed up world. Then again what was the guy from "To Catch a Predator" doing on the field anyway? Who was he after?
He also eats chicken cause that's how Surinamers do. With rhymes like those, it's no wonder Liverpool's Ryan Babel is in the fat Spanish waiter's doghouse. He can't get a start and if he wants to know why, he might start with his rapping.
He's not mumbling. He's rapping in Dutch. Here's your translation:
Rapping is my hobby Rappers don’t want trouble I'm the Liverpool star those bitches are loving I know what time it is - I've just bought a new watch I’ll give you a punchline: eight seconds, you’ll be knocked down Towel in the ring My family in the V.I.P No caviar for us, Surinamers eat chicken Ya'll know nothing: this is the Premier League Representing the G You can see this nigga with number 19 Ya'll can fuck off, I fuck with a whole team Ya'll can talk, but you don’t get anything with it Ya'll can't be like me, my status is too high If rappers come to close, I have to take space People watch YouTube to learn my actions I have those skills, try some tricks I was a poor nigga Now I make fucking money I went from the Euro to the English pound I put money in my pocket, now I spend money on nothing I like it this way, I'm sure you like it If somebody want beef, well come on I like it with some pepper, homie I'm sure in my life Give me the fucking ball, you lose both legs And now my competition is past If you hate me because of that, I say you’re right If I was you, I would hate me too I have the shit homie I can’t even spend all my money Keep your daughter in sight. or you will be my family I’ll take your daughter and let her make clean 101 Barz - this is the first time but I came hard! I came alone, I don't have a back-up I came because I mean it Check it
We shouldn't come down on him too hard. This isn't nearly as bad as the abortion spewed out by Andy Cole. Nevertheless he should stick to soccer and leave the rapping to experts like Kobe** and Shaq.
**Sweet baby jesus, this is the first time I've seen that Kobe video. That's a Rwanda-level atrocity.
It is a widely-accepted quasi-fact that I loves me the soccer. Love it. Can’t get enough of it. Stupid for it. Pick whatever vaguely sexual metaphor you like and apply it to me and soccer and you will get the idea.
Because the quality of what is offered from our fair shores rarely strays out of the “meh” zone, I – and many others like me – get my fix by turning to soccer of the European variety, and most specifically the English Premier League. It’s like television or disgusting animal entrails euphemistically called “pudding”: if you want the really good stuff, you gotta go to England.
But I was still born and raised in this country, and my conception of professional sports was formed from watching them over here. When you start watching the EPL this mental framework leads to a slight disconnect when you realize that the English way of looking at sports is completely fucking insane. If you think too long about the differences you will slowly go mad, your brain eaten away by little gremlins that say “would you like a cup of tea?” while they devour your neurons.
There are a thousand little things, and most of them are terminology issues that you quickly assimilate like a second language. You learn that the standings are “the table,” that the game is played at a “ground” and not a stadium, and that the referee is actually a “wanker.” Other than that, you get used to singing profane songs while watching sporting events – “Fly Eagles Fly” has got nothing on “The Wanky Tottenham Hotspur” – and eventually getting up at 6AM on a Saturday to go to a bar to watch grown men kick a ball around on TV will become your new normal.
Two of these quirks, however, are so massive that they drive American sports fans – this one, at least – quite mad.
1) “History”
In the entire cosmology of sports, there is no single element more irrelevant to an individual contest than history. And this is in a world with things like DIPS, “quality starts,” and the save, the only statistic in which the phase of the moon is actually one of the deciding factors. English commentators and fans love to blather about history. Seriously. One of the popular songs sung against Chelsea fans actually has a line “you ain’t got no history.” It is beyond idiotic. It puts idiotic to shame. Idiotic cannot hold a brain-draining candle to the notion that history is a factor in whether your team is good or not.
To put it in context, a soccer fan COUGH Liverpool COUGH talking about their team’s brilliant “history” and/or/vis a vis your team’s lack thereof is roughly equivalent to a Jets fan claiming that they are - RIGHT NOW - better than, say, the Eagles because did you fucking SEE us in Super Bowl III? We kicked ASS twenty years before I was born!
I mean, if Jets fans weren’t charity cases as things stand now, can you imagine if they talked like that? They’d be euthanized to protect the future from their genes.
The fact that past glories, however many and varied, have absolutely no bearing on what’s going on down on a field right now is a completely alien concept to fans like this. What I eat for dinner five time zones away has about as much effect on Arsenal v. Newcastle as the history of the two teams, though in fairness there is very little anywhere that can have a positive effect on Newcastle.
Now it’s true that there are historical elements of soccer that are definite indicators of quality – Chelsea’s 85-game home streak without a loss, Real Madrid’s 943,000 trophies, Newcastle’s 53-year trophyless streak – but when Aston Villa plays Swansea in the FA Cup and we are told that Swansea hasn’t won at Villa Park since that famous day in 1941 blah blah blah yackity schmackity, it means absolutely jack shit unless we’re going to call in Herbert West, Reanimator to turn the guys who actually played that game into zombies and send THEM out on the pitch. If that were the case I might actually toss a ten-spot on Swansea at 14-1, but until something out of HP Lovecraft is involved please shut the almighty fuck up about history.
2) “Mind Games”
Can you imagine that, let’s say, the day before Patriots-Colts in the AFC Championship, Bill Belichick was asked at a press conference what he thought of the Colts and his answer was:
“Well, you know what, the Colts fucking blow. I swear to god Peyton Manning is such an assmonkey, it really makes me sick. Who the fuck do they think they are, anway? Look at them. Their guards are undersized, their safeties couldn’t bring down a figure skater, their linebackers are older than my grandmother, and I’m pretty sure Tony Dungy once sprained his back trying to suck his own cock.”
Okay, maybe Belichick isn’t the most unrealistic example in this specific case but imagine, like, Mike Tomlin saying that (after he heals from the two black eyes, swollen lip, and fractured coccyx Jim Johnson just gave him). The press would go BERSERK. ESPN would run it on a non-stoploop for weeks. He’d get fired 5 minutes later and Goodell would probably toss him in a re-education camp for good measure.
In the Premier League managers say shit just like this EVERY WEEK.
And instead of calling them crazy people, the press just labels it as “mind games” – I’m serious, that’s the exact phrase they use - and goes on to tell us what happened when Manchester United played Preston North End in 1902 and of what great import that is to their match tomorrow. It transcends insanity.
Now don’t get me wrong, behind closed doors I’m sure coaches in any sport in this country trash talk other teams. But you don’t slam the other guy in public. You express nothing but respect and admiration for your opponent and heap praise on them, even if you’re Joe Paterno and you’re “playing” Temple that week (and he did, I heard his press conference). That’s the kind of thing you learn in fucking high school. To publicly run down your opponents is so startlingly unprofessional I’m still blown away when they do it, and I just advocated a eugenics program to eliminate Jets fans for Chrissakes.
Yet this is a common practice over there. You actually have to go to classes for a year and get a fucking LICENSE to manage a Premiership team, and “don’t slam the other guy in the papers” apparently isn’t part of the curriculum. It boggles the mind.
Then again, this is a country that eats the parts of animals even Native Americans couldn’t find a use for, so prion diseases are probably a lot more common.
This guy here is Bruce Marziani, he's from Philadelphia and he's a Dallas Cowboys fan...for no reason whatsoever. We all know people like this, from a town with thriving sports franchises yet rooting for another team from another town that probably has had some recent success or is the rival of the home team town and we all hate them. Being from DC, I know this phenomenon to be true all too often. Well, looks like the Football Gods have spoken against Bruce.
Bruce flew down to Dallas to watch his favorite team face his hometown Philadelphia Eagles, presumably so he didn't get beat up watching this same match-up at home later in the year, and he brought with him some autographed memorabilia to hopefully get some more signatures put upon them. Part of his collection he brought included a helmet signed by Troy Aikman he said was valued at $900 and a NFL Cowboy game autographed program worth around $700 (i know, seems high right?). All of this must have severly angered the Football Gods because for some reason, he left that stuff in his hotel room during the game and someone broke in and stole them along with his computer and camera.
Sucks for the guy if the story is true, but why didn't he bring that stuff with him if he was trying to get some more autographs on them? And why didn't he bring his camera with him if he was going to the football game? Did he just forget the whole reason why he went to the game? And if he had over $1500 of valuables in his room...why didn't he lock any of it up? Has he ever stayed in a hotel room before?
Of course its wrong to blame the victim, but i'm just saying, karma is a bitch...root for your home team or the Football Gods will apparently deal with you in unfortunate ways. Its not his fault his stuff got jacked, but it is his fault he's a Dallas fan and for that, there are consequences.
Jorge Posada doesn't know when to leave well enough alone. He decided to go there and revisit the infamous 2003 Red Sox-Yankees brawl which resulted Pedro tossing Don Zimmer like a Mississippi River sandbag.
Posada, in an interview with Michael Kay on the YES network's Centerstage, didn't hold back.
"I thought he was going to hit me in the head with a bat after we had the fight and he pushed Don Zimmer," Posada said. "It was ridiculous. I mean, he throws at Karim Garcia because he's losing the game. I mean, there's no class."
Pedro took Posada's comments with a grain of salt and laughed them off ... Yeah not so much.
"When I pointed to the head, it wasn't precisely to tell him that I wanted to hit him in the head," Martinez said. "Nah. He's a human being, he has a family, and I'm a professional. [The pointing to the head] was because he cursed my mom. I was telling him, 'I'll remember that.' "
"He knows - he's Latin, as much as he pretends to be American, he's Latin - that cursing your mom in Latin America will get you into a fight," Martinez said. "That's something I would never do to his mom, because she doesn't play. She's not on the field. She's someone you admire and respect, and I didn't like that."
The New York Post called Pedro livid and called his response blistering. Can't you sense the rageahol coursing through his veins? Jorge better watch himself. He saw what happened to the old man. Does he think Pedro would hold back on him? He might catch a midget upside the head if he's not careful.
FRESNO, Calif. — A stranger broke into a home east of Fresno, rubbed spices on the body of one of two men as they slept and used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man in the face and head before he fled, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday.
Lt. Ian Burrimond said a suspect was found in a nearby field and taken into custody. Deputies, he said, had no problem linking a suspect to the crime: "It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID."
Arrested was a 22-year-old Fresno resident.
The spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, were taken from the victims' kitchen.
He said money that had been taken was recovered, but the sausage was discarded and eaten by a dog. "That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said.
I don't know how they get down in Fresno but if this is the regular, it's no wonder David Carr is so gun-shy. I'd hate to go to sleep wondering if I'll make it through the night without being assaulted with food. However if I have to be thrashed with food, I prefer the pig and salted meats above all others.
The US government finally stepped in with an $85 billion loan to save AIG's ass after several banks backed away like someone just hurled on the conference table. Apparently AIG is too big to fail but Lehman Brothers isn't. Don't worry, we're getting to the sports.
AIG, in addition to being a clusterfuck, is also the shirt sponsor of Manchester United. Their four-year, £56.5 million sponsorship deal with Man U is the largest in English soccer. So this begs the question. What design should Man U have on their jersey now that the AIG is the US government's bitch? The Fed Seal is always good. Fuck yeah.
I suck with the Photo Shoppin' so pass on some ideas in the comments or send along some designs. We'll make the best designs into t-shirts so you can show your bandwagon support for Manchester U. Go team!! De-fense!!
Too bad XL (West Ham) didn't have a savior. Oh wait, they did. Themselves. West Ham's owner was propping up XL but decided not to refinance the debt. As of now, they will play with no sponsor. Feel free to also pass along any thoughts on who should be West Ham's sponsor.
Don't front like the thought hasn't crossed your mind. Would you really be surprised if it turned out Usain Bolt was on the juice? I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I'm not saying he's juiced but Carl Lewis is.
Speaking to Sports Illustrated, Lewis said,
“When people ask me about Bolt I say he could be the greatest athlete of all time. But for someone to run 10.03 one year and 9.69 the next, if you don’t question that in a sport that has the reputation it has right now, you’re a fool. Period.”
The Times of London calls Lewis' comments incendiary but he does have a point. Granted Bolt hasn't tested positive for anything yet but that is a huge time reduction.
Lewis also calls out Jamaica's drug testing setup.
“I’m proud of America right now because we have the best random and most comprehensive drug-testing programme. Countries like Jamaica do not have a random programme, so they can go months without being tested. No one is accusing Bolt, but don’t live by a different rule and expect the same kind of respect. How dare anybody feel that there shouldn’t be scrutiny, especially in our sport?”
There it is. Usain Bolt has been called out. Will anything come of this? Unlikely. Will it result in increased scrutiny? Who knows. Track and field is lucrative but it could also use a big name star personality like Usain Bolt. The danger is that increased positive drug tests especially from stars could end up tainting the sport. All one needs to do is take a look at the public image of cycling.
Lewis better watch out. The Jamaicans might send Screwface after him. "Him dead and him don't even know it!" One could also say it takes a fool to know a fool. His acting and singing make him a prime candidate for an electrified fooling machine.
A good donkey but still a donkey. Check out this brilliant play by him from the first half of last night's scorefest between the Eagles and Cowboys. DeSean decided to celebrate a touchdown before crossing the goaline with hilarious results. Let's go to the tape.
Yeah, playboy. Leon Lett salutes your vigor. Oh and fuck you for stealing 12 points away from me by denying McNabb a touchdown.
Last night's game was insane. If you went to bed early like some or live in DC and lost your cable and internet in the first quarter like Chimp Rage, you missed what might end up being the best game of the season. Both teams decided to play defense like the Rams for our pleasure and Tony Kornheiser lost his mind more than usual when trying to wax poetic about the Cowboys. This game had everything except defense.
We already know that Vince Wilfork's** wife Bianca almost missed their wedding because she was up $40,000 in roulette while in Vegas. There's also this nugget about her from Sunday's Pats-Jets game.
"She was wearing a jersey with No. 75 on it, with "Wifey" on the back. Hundreds of red and clear Swarovski crystals were stitched into the jersey letters and numbering."
Nothing says school on a Saturday like a blinged out jersey with the name "Wifey" on the back.
Perhaps the Jets should buy Laveranues Coles a blowup doll of Chad Pennington. He could talk to it, lay with it and remember all the special times that he used to share with his good ol' buddy.
Coles hasn't gotten over the loss of Chad Pennington due to the arrival of Brett Favre. To his credit (?), he hasn't been extremely vocal but he needs to get over it. He's all broken up because the Jets decided to upgrade the QB position and give themselves a shot at the postseason.
"I don't have a feel for him and he doesn't have a feel for me," Coles said yesterday of his on-field relationship with Favre. "That is one of the things I am going to have to deal with. In the past I've always known when the ball was coming. Now you don't really know."
Coles, who missed the four preseason games with a hamstring injury, has not sounded enthusiastic about having Favre as his quarterback and didn't again yesterday, but he said Sunday that's a product of loyalty toward Pennington.
Wah. Sorry the Jets decided to get a QB who can throw the ball more than seven yards. Sorry they decided to think about what was best for the team as opposed to Coles' feelings. Next time the Jets decide to make a personnel move, Eric Mangini and Woody Johnson should come to Coles and ask how it would make him feel. Even Nicolas Anelka doesn't want to hear it anymore.
There's nothing wrong with being upset over losing a friend but Coles might want to remember that this is a business and not a support group. He has been seen laughing and talking with Favre and their lockers are next to each other.
If Coles wants to win, he'll realize that Favre is the best chance he'll ever have of accomplishing anything on the Jets. Then again he did request a trade to the Jets so he can't be that interested in success. This is the same guy who whined about the lack of big plays on the Redskins yet wouldn't get surgery to fix his toe. Maybe he doesn't have chemistry with Favre because he missed the preseason. It's your job to adjust so get on with it. No one wants to hear bitching about former teammates. It happens all the time. There are these things called phones and the interwebs. Learn them. Use them. Love them.
Maybe we've been too hard on Laveranues. We'll leave you with a tribute to LC and his buddy CP.
"Hello boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your team is responsible for most of the cash so I'm gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise I will take a finger of each of you and your teammates' hands for everyday that passes without payment. And then when you run out of digits, your dad's bar and who knows what then. All right, my son?"
It sucks to be West Ham midfielder Matthew Etherington. He's lucky he still has all his fingers. He has West Ham to thank for that. They were forced to give Etherington enough money to choke a dozen donkeys after he came to them for help with a gambling debt.
Etherington, a recovering gambling addict, fell prey to the neon claws of Gamblor and suffered a minor relapse. This one only cost him £800,000. However the debt wasn't his only problem. He was forced to approach the club for a loan after receiving death threats. West Ham officials were worried enough to advance him £300,000 to pay down the debt. They might regret that after losing their sponsor XL late last week. The threats he received from his bookie were "nasty and personal" as opposed to pleasant and impersonal. The rudeness was more than he could bear.
That's right, MLS. Expand to the city with possibly the worst sports fans in the country. It didn't work last time so it has to work this time.
Jason Collins gets a "Funji" hand job from Tim Duncan. That's the effort that makes Big Fundamentals an All-Star.
I've been to Minneapolis and I can tell you that it's not a bad town. It gets hella cold but you don't have to go above ground during winter. There's certainly no need to attempt ending your basketball career over a trade to the Timberwolves. Mark Madsen tried it last year on a jet ski and now Jason Collins is laid up after an accident with an unlikely explanation.
Collins will miss training camp and the first week of the season after crashing a golf cart in California. The official story is that the cart flipped after hitting a wet surface. He underwent surgery on his triceps tendon in his elbow and will be out for eight weeks.
The wet spot excuse? Really? No one likes the wet spot but that's a bit much. I would have gone for the racialist angle. The cart had a problem with a black man on a golf course even though he was clean and well-spoken. He was even a KA in college. Sheeeit, that's straight Confederate right there. There's no word on whether he was found with his pants down and a porno playing in the cart. What? Too soon?
I guess one child molester among a group of referees is understandable. Don't all referees stuff the flag down the pants so everyone knows who got the penalty? It's hard to separate the professionals from the predators. However multiple molesters and kiddie porn purveyors are just unacceptable.
Along with child pornography and molestation charges, sports officials -- who are paid between $30-$70 a game -- have been convicted of gun crimes, drug offenses, assaults, animal abuse, fraud, various forms of theft, crimes of falsity, drunken driving and auto accidents that caused deaths.
Despite those troubling findings, Bradley R. Cashman, executive director of the PIAA, says there is no need for his organization to require officials to undergo criminal background checks. The PIAA relies instead on a self-reporting system that has become a don't-tell-don't-ask policy.
Let's put the criminal records aside for a moment. Don't ask, don't tell is the policy when it comes to people who are going to be around children?
The Pennsylvania Interscholastic Athletic Association's position opposing criminal background checks for athletic officials is based on the notion refs are never in unsupervised one-on-one situations with students. Though partially funded by tax dollars, the PIAA also maintains it is not bound by state laws requiring checks on anyone in contact with children ... The PIAA has contended it has sufficient checks and balances in its own regulatory process over officials, and forcing background checks on the state's 13,700 officials would create an expensive regulatory nightmare.
Parents will be pleased to know their son or daughter might get a dick in the ass because it's too expensive to check out the ref. They're never one on one on the field so parents shouldn't worry about it. I mean really, why is everyone making a big stink about this? So what if a ref decides to let one loose while thinking about your son or daughter? No harm, no foul. Right?
Referees who have been convicted of various charges were allowed to continue working for the PIAA. One didn't have his refereeing license revoked until he was sent to federal prison. That was almost two years after he faced charges for distributing kiddie porn.
Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry may win on sheer numbers but when it comes to style, they have nothing on Aston Villa striker Gabriel "Gabby" Agbonlahor. Gabby scored a hat trick in Villa's first game of the season. That's good. He also scored a hat trick in the bedroom and knocked up three girls practically at the same time. That's bad.
See if you can follow the trail of stupidity. It's long and complicated. Use the picture key below and try not to slip on the amniotic fluid. Gabby was dating baby mama #1 before he hit the big time. She even moved in with him. He met baby mama #2 in 2006 while on holiday in Greece. Four months later, he was getting in the stink box of baby mama #3 who was previously the WAG of useless Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas.
Here's where things get complicated. #1 found texts to Gabby from #3. He told #1 that she was just a groupie and there was nothing to worry about. #3 kept sending texts so #1 called her to find out what was up. #3 turned around and confronted Gabby who told her that #1 was just a psycho ex who was getting all Single White Female on his ass and couldn't let go. Meanwhile he was still rolling with #2. #1 finally found out about #2 but he claimed she was another groupie.
Stay with us. It's about to get "stupider". #3 got pregnant. #1 gave her a call and dropped the bomb that she was also pregnant and Gabby was still messing with #2. He told #1 and #3 that he wasn't ready for a kid and they could do what they wanted but he wasn't having it. They both got abortions. He was a gentleman and paid for #3's baby vacuum while leaving #1 to fend for herself. Two months later, #1 moved back in with him but he was still creeping with #2 and #3. Sure enough, he ended up knocking up #2. She decided to keep the baby and call him Gabriel Agbonlahor Jr. Now she lives in a house that he owns.
Congratulations if you're still with this and you're aren't drooling on yourself. The lesson here is that European groupies get abortions. Hopefully Shawn Kemp doesn't figure how they get down over there. Italy will start thinking they have an illegal baby immigration problem before they realize they're all being made in-house. Population decline solved. Shit on your hands and slap yourself, Italy. It's Shawn Kemp's world and you're about to catch the supersonic sperm wave.
Usain Bolt is apparently bored with making his competition look like bitches. He's beaten all comers and set records in all of his events. These activities no longer amuse him so he's going to start training with Real Madrid.
“I've watched van Nistelrooy from when he was with Manchester United, so I know he's a great, great guy so I look forward to meeting these guys.''
In other words, he's looking forward to owning them too.
Maybe OJ Simpson will wish he was better at stealing satellite signals. If he was, he might not be facing jail time like he ... Who the hell are we kidding? It's OJ. He'd do something eventually although he probably didn't count on getting beat down by his daughter.
Now it looks like his time is finally up. After a contentious voir dire, an all-white jury was seated in his current case. He's fucked.
There's been quite an stir in Manchester since the Abu Dhabi Oil Concern swooped in and bought Manchester City from everyone's favorite human rights advocate and former non-corrupt Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra. Unlike Roman Abramovich at Chelsea, City's owners wasted little time in addressing their fans about their plans for the club.
Fuck a five-year plan. When you're richer than astronauts, it's all about the one-year plan. Now that's change you can believe in.
I don't know about you, but sometimes, I get a little bored watching most sports movies. I watch enough baseball, basketball, football, hockey,boxing, etc that watching a movie about the sport is kind of tough for me to sit through most times. The worst thing about them is that whenever they have to do on the field action, since I watch those sports so much, I can tell when it isn't being all that realistic and that ruins most sports movies for me. You pretty much have to make a perfect movie for it to gain any traction with me and there are a few that qualify, but most don't.
The solution to this is that people need to make more movies about fake sports. How the hell can you know if the movie is unrealistic when they make all the rules? What a perfect solution. I don't know why Hollywood hasn't done much with this idea. Well, to help you out, I'm going to give you the 5 best movies out there that created their own sports. These movies, as cheesy as they are, at least tried to buck the trend of traditional sports movie making by creating a world of their own where the only rules that are followed are the ones they make up.
5.) Rollerball (1975 & 2002)
We all know this movie since they've made the same film twice, but the basic concept of the sport is that you try to put the metal ball into the goal, by any means possible...including killing your opponents while skating around in a roller derby-like rink with motorcycles and people with weapons around you. Future sports are quite violent. Some derivative of this sport should be created dammit, roller derby needs a ball in it to be a real sport! Both versions of the movie are quality, B movie level of entertainment containing plenty of violence and sport with enough background intrigue and backstabbing to make the movies fun watches for all, especially when inebriated, but if you have to watch one, you must check out the original 1975 version only because its got James Cann at his finest. This clip here is a little taste of the drama that can come from a fake sports movie.
4.) BASEketball (1998)
Classic comedy about the way sports should be. A league where everyone gets paid the same and teams can't change cities, how much would Seattle love the NBA to be like this? Basketball played with baseball rules, does it get any easier? I dunno why no one has thought to try this for real? Oh right, it probably would suck. Made by the South Park creators so if by some reason you haven't seen it, you can be assured that the movie will have its high points to help balance out its lows, this movie is just on the list because it would be great if fans wouldnt have to worry about their teams and players leaving town for more money?
3.) Death Race 2000 (1975 or Death Race 2008)
This movie just got remade and came out again this year, but if you haven't seen either version, if you ever wanted to know where, when you see a pedestrian on the road and someone in the car says "two points if you hit him/her" comes from...its Death Race 2000. A movie about a cross country race where if you kill pedestrians you get more points. What a fun sport this is, I told you future sports movies were violent. Its not likely that this sport could become reality today, but you never know with those crazy Japanese. Anyway, if you thought David Carradine was badass in Kill Bill, you haven't seen anything...Classic!
2.) Robot Jox (1990)
I do not think I could explain the awesomeness of this movie or sport on my own, I can't do it justice. Just watch the trailer and wonder why you haven't seen it yet...we need robot/human fighters now.
1.) The Running Man (1987)
This is definitely on my top movie list...not like top 10 or top 20, but i do own it on DVD which means its up there. This movie is more of a game show than sport, but it does involve a lot of athleticism to survive being killed so I'm putting it on the list and making it my number one. A movie where you run away from people trying to kill you, killing them if you can, and if you escape alive, you win. It boils down all the rules and gamesmanship in sports today down to a simple yes/no equation. Did you die? If the answer is no, you win. What could be a more perfect sport than this? People in sports talk about them being like life or death moments, but this one IS one of those moments. Arnold is in classic form in this, watch him take out Sub Zero. God I miss Richard Dawson...GOD i am old.
What other fake sports movies are out there and what fake sport do you want to see in film?
Ok, this is borderline NSFW, but if it was broadcast on ESPN, it'l be put on here. Check out this UTEP fan enjoying himself a little rubbin on the nubbin from his lady friend. Now THATS how you watch some football. Hell to the yea playboy.
And so continues the shit show that is Newcastle United. In one week, owner Mike Ashley managed to lose manager and club legend Kevin "King Kev" Keegan and turn the entire fan base against him. There's nothing worse than having legions of pasty, shirtless, middle aged men turn against you. Well they could also be illiterate and end up "boycoutting" the club. You would think that Ashley would be spending his time getting the club's affairs in order but don't forget that we are talking about an owner and a club that embraces mediocrity and delusions of grandeur.
[Ashley] and three other men, including one man named only as PK, downed an amazing 175 bottles of Cristal Champagne — the club’s entire stock.
They also necked 16 bottles of Dom Perignon, 29 of PJ Fleur Rose and three of Grey Goose Vodka. Onlookers in the club on Wednesday night said Ashley was “slaughtered” and soaked from head to foot in Champagne as he sprayed £450 bottles of Cristal over his pals and handed out drinks and bottles to scantily-clad girls — getting some to pour booze into his mouth.
The mammoth bar bill included a £30,000 tip to waitresses and a four-figure tip to security. Ashley started off by ordering ten bottles of Cristal. But as the booze flowed he ordered 100 More — at a cost of nearly £43,000.
One onlooker at the run-down looking club said: “Ashley was slaughtered — soaked from head to foot in Champagne and slurring his words.
“He kept spraying Champagne over himself and his friends, and he kept ordering more and more bottles of Cristal — handing them out randomly to his friends, girls standing nearby and nearby tables.
He ended up “staggering out with his arms around two much younger, pretty girls.”
Nothing says all is well like making it rain with champagne. It's only a matter of time until we hear about a sex boat in the North Sea. If Daunte Culpepper was smart, he'd take the sex boat business abroad and make some ends since he's giving up on football.
As I am slowly stewed in the cauldron of misery that is being an Eagles fan, today I take some heart in the fact that the Birds are taking on the Rams, who had (in terms of points allowed, at least) the second-worst defense in the NFL last year. They gave it up more than the DOLPHINS, and those poor bastards only won one game.
The best part is that this is an IMPROVEMENT for St. Louis. Back in the bright halcyon days of Warner, Faulk, Bruce, Holt, and those other guys, Mike Martz basically realized "hey, if I can score 45 points a game I don't even need to PLAY defense." And for the most part they did not, and we salute them for their bravery in essentially abandoning 50% or so of football.
In celebration of the full-fledged return of the NFL and the beginning of the Brian Westbrook Countdown To Injury And With It The End Of The Eagles Season, let's take a look at some other historically awful defenses.
L.A. Galaxy, 2008
It is said by some that soccer is a dumb game. These people are wrong and stupid, unless their only exposure to soccer is watching the display of hapless shenaniganery that is the Galaxy D. If that is the exceedingly unlikely case than yes, what you are watching is, in fact, both wrong AND stupid. They managed to broadcast their genre-defining ineptitude on national television a few weeks back when they played Chicago on the ESPN Thursday night game and a group of so-called professional soccer players were run ragged by a 36-year old who was barely a year off having a small explosive device go off inside his knee and a guy who, quite tellingly, has scored half of his career MLS goals against Los Angeles.
Don't get me wrong. I loves me the B-Mac. But Brian McBride is not exactly the height of human physical potential any more. Talented though he may be, Brian McBride is one slow-ass motherfucker. You're sitting there reading this on a Sunday morning, sipping your coffee and hoping you'll be completely awake before the games start and you are, at this moment, as fast as Brian McBride. You would probably bag two or three goals were you to end up in a game against the Galaxy.
Kentucky Men's Basketball, March 28, 1992
Yeah, you played well for 39 minutes and 57.9 seconds. Unfortunately, a college basketball game is, in fact, 40 minutes long.
I would have loved to hear the huddle talk before this one. "Let's see, Grant Hill is on the inbounds, don't have to worry about him... hey, I've got an idea. Let's cover everybody! I mean, there's a CHANCE they won't try and get it to the 6'11" guy, right?"
You go through all that shit to beat Duke and then you fuck it up in the last 0.08% of the game. For shame, Kentucky Wildcats. For shame.
On the plus side, you did give me and my friends a ton of enjoyment when we spent every free moment for a solid week afterwards in our high school gym trying to replicate Laettner's shot. I don't think anyone ever did, but then again none of us were on the Dream Team either. Also I went to a snooty prep school so we were all probably wearing wingtips too.
Newcastle United, eternally
Here's another great idea in the history of sports. Let's take Shay Given, who by any account is a very, very good goalkeeper, and then put a bunch of fucking sock monkeys in front of him and call it a defense, thus insuring that we will lose all the time because our world-class keeper has to make 453 saves every game. Also we will let opposing forwards just run into him like a Ferrari and tear his bowels into small pieces.
Some might argue this point, and to those sad chowderheads I have two words: Titus Bramble.
What, still arguing? Here's two more words: Jean-Alain Boumsong.
A word of advice: if one of your defenders was once voted "Worst Player In The Premiership," your defense is pretty bad.
Nazi Germany, 1944-1945
"Well, all right, boys! Well done all! We've conquered most of mainland Europe, we have tanks and barbed wire and machine guns and thousands upon thousands of troops covering every single intersection between Calais and St. Petersburg... looks to me like this war is WON, fellas! Break out the champagne! No, Strauss, you Bavarian dumbass, not that sparkling wine crap! CHAMPAGNE! The real thing! We didn't conquer the damn province for nothing.
"What? Americans? What Americans? Those lazy assholes aren't gonna do a damn thing...
"Ah. Hm. I see. Yes. Well, er... Berlin, you say? Right this way, Mister Eisenhower."
Imperial Navy, Battle of Endor, 4 ABY
Seriously, HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP? You are the Galactic Empire. You have Star Destroyers up the yin-yang. You have, by all accounts, an inexhaustible supply of cannon fodder in TIE Fighters alone, never mind stormtroopers. Yes, we know your soldiers (and probably your pilots) can't hit the broad side of a barn with a basketball. That shouldn't matter. You have a giant space station that BLOWS UP PLANETS, and you get your ass handed to you by Billy Dee, a talking squid, and some other kind of talking cephalopod.
How about a little discipline in the face of a technologically inferior enemy that you massively outnumber who can not, it should be noted, BLOW UP FUCKING PLANETS? Jesus, who are you guys, Newcastle? Your ships are Star Destroyers. That rolls off the tongue, don't it? Ssssstarrrr Destroyyyyyyerssss. Your ships destroy stars. Their ships are named after letters. Do I want a ship that destroys stars, or the ship that yesterday's episode of Sesame Street was brought to me by? Hmm. Tough choice. And still you manage to lose to these multi-culti douchebags. Sad.
(For the record, Admiral Ackbar is obviously the squid; I'm not sure what Nien Nunb is. An octopus, perhaps? Also it is worth noting that this is still my favorite sequence from any movie, ever. It is the Platonic ideal of Awesome.)
And so, the beginning of kickoff Sunday and another season of wishing Terry Bradshaw would somehow suffer some kind of tropical infection that would render him mute is almost upon us.
Against the Rams defense, a worthy addition to this pantheon, the Eagles are 9 point favorites. If you don't recognize that as a sucker line, congratulations! You are not an Eagles fan. Man I wish I knew what that's like. Must be sweet.
New head coach, new offensive scheme, new play-caller, new defensive coordinator, similar but different defensive scheme and playing without the teams best defensive back in Shawn Springs...could Redskins fans really have expected anything better than the dismal and disjointed 16-7 loss that ensued?
I actually expected the Redskins would lose this game, but what I did not expect were these things:
1) Lack of a passing game
I'm not talking about expecting Jason Campbell to become the 2nd coming of the mighty Matt Hasselbeck, I just expected that the Redskins would actually get a passing yard before the last 2 minutes of the 2nd quarter. Campbell didn't complete a pass until there was 1:19 left in the first half and luckily his 2nd completion was for a TD.
Here's what my armchair quarterback coach self saw. Jason Campbell was not in sync with any of his receivers. He was either waiting for a route to be run right or waiting for the one receiver he was, for some reason, locked in on to get open or not reading the defenses correctly to throw the ball to where they weren't since they were blitzing a lot or his line was breaking down around him, partly because he was holding onto the ball for too long. All of this happened, sometimes they all happened on the same play.
I'm not saying its all Campbell's fault, receivers do run bad routes and linemen do miss tackles, but on numerous occasions in the 1st half there were open players right in the middle of the field to pass to while Campbell was locked into Moss or Randle-El on the sidelines. Why didn't he throw to his tight ends more? Cooley and Yoder are perfect safety outlets and would have saved Campbell on numerous occasions.
2) The Defense bent a lot...but luckily only broke once.
This is not last year's GGGregg Williams defense. The exotic blitz packages are gone and it showed. If the Redskins thought they could get pressure with a 4 man front that was the same as last year plus Jason Taylor, who is looked like Bruce Smith II in this game, then they are going to get beat like a rag all season.
This was a defense without its best player, Shawn Springs, so why did they not do more zone coverage to help cover up that huge hole? It appeared to me at least that there was single man coverage on most the receivers, especially Plaxico Burress who beat them repeatedly. With all that man coverage, the Giants were able to dink and dunk slants and curls all over the joint since there was no, from my vantage point, underneath coverage. It was like the Redskins were playing a Man Prevent the entire game. The cushions the Giants receivers were given were ginormous and they took advantage the entire game.
And what the hell is up with Brandon Jacobs? Redskins D line turned him into Christian Okoye out there. London Fletcher had more tackles than the entire D line did. That will not win football games.
By the grace of God, the Giants offense couldn't take full advantage of any of this and only got 1 touchdown, giving Redskins fans everywhere the false hope that they could actually come back.
3) The Head Coach is awful new at this
Why did Zorn not get the Redskins in the hurry up offense starting with the start of their 2nd to last possession with 6 minutes left in the game? They were down 2 scores and weren't moving the ball all that quickly before, but the coach kept them huddling up and even ran the ball twice when the clock was under 4 minutes.
I'm also going to question the decision to go for it on 4th and 13 on the 43 yard line with 2 minutes left and down by 2 scores. That is hardly a gimme field goal and I guess Zorn didn't think that Suisham could kick a 55 yarder with great success, the flip side is that if they did kick and make it, they would only need 1 score and could probably get the ball back (which they did when they didn't convert the 4th down) and try to score again. See, by going for it on 4th down though Zorn pretty much ended the game.
If you miss the kick or not get the first down the result is the same, the game is over. If you make the 1st down, you have 2 minutes left, 4 more time sucking plays and all your time outs to score from 30 yards out, give the ball back to the giants, and try to stop them with time left to get another score. That is an awful lot to ask, but if you make the kick, you're down by 1 score with just under 2 minutes left, you give the ball back and need a stop with all your timeouts left to try to get time to get another score. With those two scenarios, the one that would give the Redskins the most time on the clock to get the 2nd score is kicking the field goal.
So what to expect in the future? Luckily, all of this is correctable. Its all just practice and scheming at this point. The players are just as talented as most teams in the league. The coaches need to work harder to game plan better (the D's halftime adjustments were quite good) and the players need to practice more to get their act together. The Defense looks mediocre right now and on offense they don't even look that. They should at least strive for being average.
Zorn photo (AP Photo/Bill Kostroun); (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images) Campbell photo(Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images) Jacobs photo (Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)
Fox Sports new color analyst and former Ravens' head coach, the offensive genius, Brian Billick is gonna start blogging. He's signed a deal with Nestor "Nasty" Aparicio and his Baltimore radio station WNST-AM 1570 to help be a part of their new website which is supposed to be an "online sports community" that would combine Facebook, Youtube and ESPN.com with blogs aplenty, news, videos and podcasts. This might just be the trendiest website ever. It's due to launch in 90 days and the featured blogger on the site as of now is none other than the big brain himself, Brian Billick.
“I’ll have observations about what’s going on in the league,” he said. “Certainly I may have an observation or two about the Baltimore Ravens.”
Lord knows the man will have the time to blog but to bank on people wanting to hear the rantings of a fired ex-coach is a little much. In addition to Billick, the site will have local, Baltimore area, experts writing on the Ravens, Orioles, hunting, fishing and other fun topics.
This might be the most unnecessary website ever created, Billick is a little behind the curve on this one. As a matter of fact, the only time Billick was ahead of the curve was when he had Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss on his team...everyone knows Marvin Lewis won that Super Bowl.
What can you say about the Detroit Lions? They have a QB who thinks God's going to help him win 10 games a season. Still waiting on that. A GM who makes Dan Duquette look like a genius and a running back who makes Harry and Lloyd look like Mensa candidates. Excuse me, Flo. What's the soup du jour?
Matt Millen signed former Bengals running back Rudi Johnson after releasing the next Defensive Player of the Year. Tatum Bell didn't take too kindly to that and that's when things got weird.
...As we’re told by a reliable source ... Johnson left his bags outside CEO Matt Millen’s office while he met with team officials and, ultimately, worked out a deal with the team.
So when Johnson came back to get his bags, they were nowhere to be found. Johnson and Millen were stumped.
The team checked the videotapes generated by the team’s in-house surveillance system, and they quickly identified the culprit.
So who might it have been? None other than Tatum Bell, who lost his gig with the Lions after Rudi arrived.
PFT explains that Bell took the bags to a female acquaintance's house. When confronted (presumably by Millen wearing a bobby hat), he claimed he thought the bags belong to someone he knew. The acquaintance said she hadn't seen Bell for a couple months and he just showed up at her door asking her to hold on to the bags "for a while".
We disagree with Florio. We think Najeh Davenport would have had the appropriate response. There ain't no half-steppin' when it comes to our godfather. He would have opened those bags and let loose like a Gatling gun. Stupid's contagious at Ford Field. It's only a matter of time until Rudi's infected.
Ed Moran of the Philadelphia Daily News needs to cut Eric Lindros some slack. The guy's been to hell and back. If John McCain wants someone to follow Osama to the gates of Hell, Lindros is his man.
The Philadelphia Flyers play the Carolina Hurricanes in a preseason game on Sept. 27. The Flyers are using the game to honor all the captains in their history. 14 of them will be there. One won't. Lindros apparently has a "prior commitment". No doubt it's with a concussion.
Moran is disappointed that Lindros will not be there on the 27th. He does admit that the former captain had a falling out with the organization. That's putting it mildly considering he was called out by GM Bobby Clarke for being soft. He almost died after losing about half his body's blood volume due to a collapsed lung from internal bleeding of the chest wall. The team tried to make him fly after he was found in a tub "pale and cold" by teammate Keith Jones. It was independently confirmed that he would have died if he took the flight as the team wanted him to do.
Moran still thinks he should show up and be the better man. It may be about the fans but that's quite a bit to forgive and forget. Lindros is lucky if he remembers to put on his pants before he walks out the door. What's done is what's done and for all we know, he might get booed or catch a cheesesteak in the head. Who knows what that would do to him. If you want to see the effects of multiple concussions, turn on NFL Match-Up and check Merrill Hoge. His inane ramblings and Vince Young obsession are sad to watch. We don't want the same for #88. Let him go.
Fergie's finally assembled the greatest team in board game history. Watch his young guns go at it as Carlos Tevez and Anderson show you how it's done. I'm pretty sure a chimp could take them both at the same time.
I can't wait for Dimitar Berbatov to take on all comers with his collar popped like Cantona and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
Say what you want about douchebags with luxury sports cars but they might actually have gotten something right. It appears that women actually get aroused when they hear the revving engine of a finely tuned luxury sports car. A study was done by measuring levels of testosterone in the saliva of men and women before and after a car was turned on and revved, and, at least with the Maserati, 100% of the women tested had "significant increase in testosterone secretion" compared to only 50% of the men who were also tested. In case you hadn't figured it out by now, testosterone is a hormone that is indicative of arousal.
Other cars were tested and
Psychologist David Moxon, who conducted the study commissioned by motor insurer Hiscox, said: "We saw significant peaks, particularly in women."
"The roar of a luxury car engine does cause a primeval physiological response."
Oh and horrible news for all you guys who drive those Geo Prisms and Ford Escorts out there
He added the sound of an average car engine actually led to a decreased level of testosterone.
Yea that really sucks. Its a good thing I dont have a car and I rely on my super charm which beds women instantly...ok, thats not true at all.
Great article here by Dave Forester of the Virginian-Pilot on the current goings on of Michael Vick. Big surprise, he wants back in the NFL. Also, he hasn't talked at all about playing in the United Football League like a quote in an SI article said. Give it a read.
Here's one excuse you can tell the wifey while you're watching your team play in the most important game of the week...every week, watching sports improves your brain function.The best part of that statement is that it's not even a lie. Researchers at the University of Chicago have found that watching sports (or playing sports) "improves language skills when it comes to discussing their sport because parts of the brain usually involved in playing sports are instead used to understand sport language." I dunno what that means, OH WAIT, let me go watch some more sports to figure it out!
Ok, just watched some of the NFL preseason games on replay on the NFL network, basically it means that
"...non-language related activities, such as playing or watching a sport, enhance one's ability to understand language about their sport precisely because brain areas normally used to act become highly involved in language understanding," said Sian Beilock, Associate Professor in Psychology at the University of Chicago.
Oh wait, I didn't actually say that, I just copied it, I guess that means I should watch more sports so I could better convey it to you. What a great excuse this could be, "Honey, i'm watching sports so I can talk to you more and be a better listener because, as you know, watching sports increases my understanding of what you're saying!"
This is just brilliant. Bring on Thursday, i'm ready to watch some football!!! Err, then talk. Yes...that's the ticket.
Check these pictures of Mike Tyson doing his thing on the runway from Crunk and Disorderly. It's 1:00 AM. Do you know where your childrens is? I bet Iron Mike do. Hope they're halal.
As McCormick's says, "When it rains, it pours". It's been a Category 5 when it comes to the Baltimore Ravens and quarterbacks. (Too soon?) If there's one thing that can be said about the Ravens organization, it's that consistent mediocre quarterbacking is Job #1.
The Ravens treated the naming of Joe Flacco as the starter against the Bengals like bad political news. They were left with no choice after Troy Smith was taken down by a tonsil infection and Kyle Boller injured his shoulder presumably while fumbling. Instead of naming him on Friday afternoon, they waited until Labor Day when everyone is in a food coma or too drunk to notice.
"If anyone wrote this in a movie script, no one would believe it," [head coach] John Harbaugh said. "The thing that is kind of exciting is that you couldn't envision this scenario. It wasn't one that we planned."
This move should work out well especially with a patchwork offensive line that couldn't stop Trevor Reznik. If Flacco wants to know what his early season will be like, he should ask David Carr. That is, if Carr could stop flinching and screaming every time someone moves near him.
If Flacco can withstand the assault, he might be able to make something of himself. He definitely won't have to look over his shoulder. Boller might not be able to play this season and even if he can, he won't be an issue. Troy Smith keeps having mysterious medical ailments and who knows when he'll be back to 100%.
The Ravens attempted to address the back up situation by trying to sign the worst QB in NFL history. Joey Touchdown could be the next Ravens QB to fail miserably. He beat out Chris Simms and Todd Bouman but is still exploring his options. Of course Daunte Culpepper is nowhere to be found. Why try someone who might work? It's a great time to be a Ravens fan. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to find those new live Ravens mascots and have them poke my eyes out so I don't have to watch this season.
I bet you thought you were done with the Quad City DJ's. You can thank Napoli fans for bringing them back.
A group of Napoli fans bum rushed a Rome-bound train without tickets on Sunday. They wrecked several cars and passengers were forced to flee for their lives. Naples police ordered the train to leave for "public safety" reasons. They did this after ordering the paying passengers to take other trains. The train arrived in Rome and the planned soccer riot between Roma and Napoli fans took place after a short delay. Nothing stops the trains. Mussolini would be proud.
Leave it to the Portuguese to get bullfighting wrong.
Let me save you the trouble of thinking they're doing it wrong. They're not. Apparently bulls aren't allowed to be killed in Portuguese bullfighting rings. The fighters known as forcados aren't brave either. The horns are covered with leather to protect them. They're not just stupid. They're also lil' bitches. You want to impress me? Coat the horns with poison then run at the bull.
In the words of the New York Blues godfather, "Chelsea's arrogance has slapped them in the chops again and [Chelsea Chief Executive Peter] Kenyon deserves it". While most of us Americans were enjoying Labor Day BBQs, Chelsea was taking some major bukkake courtesy of Real Madrid and Manchester City.
The Robinho transfer saga finally ended with the Brazilian headed to the City of Manchester Stadium for £32.5million instead of Stamford Bridge. He said he wanted to go to Chelsea and was fighting for Real to let it happen. He even called a press conference in Madrid to reiterate his desire to move to to London.
Chelsea was so sure of the deal that they started selling Robinho shirts (see above) in their Megastore even before the deal was complete. As one might imagine, this infuriated Real who turned around and sold him to Man City.
You ask where the hell did Man City get the money considering owner and ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra's money is tied up and he's on the run. He's no longer the owner and Man City is now richer than Nazis. The club was bought by the Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment. The group will be represented on the board by Dr. Sulaiman Al Fahim who is only 30 years old. That's right. 30 fucking years old. He's ranked as the 16th most powerful Arab and has his own Apprentice show. In case you think Al Fahim is playing, Man City also bid on Dmitar Berbatov, David Villa and Mario Gomez today. Things just got a lot more interesting in the Premiership.
In case you've been wondering why acquitted weed lover and Shawn Kemp protege Travis Henry hasn't hooked up with any of the NFL teams in sore need of a proven 1200-yard ball carrier (we're looking at you, Houston), the answer isn't that he's been blackballed by the league (although in all seriousness, the Deuce is pretty sure that is the real reason), or that he's taken a roadie position on the Cheech and Chong reunion tour, or even that he's hanging around the Pepsi Center on a PUMA safari. No -- Travis is unavailable because he's fighting America's greatest enemies, in the heart of Colorado:
It started innocently enough: Qatar-based al-Jazeera decided it would film the locals in Golden, the home of Coors beer, as they watched the convention from a biker bar Wednesday night. This would allow al-Jazeera's viewers to see Bill Clinton and Joe Biden through the eyes of those in a small American town that could pass as a set for a Hollywood Western.
City leaders at first offered to host a pork-free barbecue for the Jazeera crew, then abandoned that plan when angry residents protested. But the Buffalo Rose, a 150-year-old saloon here catering to bikers, offered to let al-Jazeera broadcast from its bar.
The result: a sort of 21st-century shootout at the O.K. Corral on Wednesday night under the shadow of Lookout Mountain, where Buffalo Bill is buried.
Word spread that three rival biker gangs -- the Sons of Silence, the Banditos and the Hell's Angels -- declared a truce for the night so they could meet at the Buffalo Rose in a united protest against al-Jazeera. But the network stood its ground and set up its cameras.
Across the street from the bar, two dozen protesters under the watchful eye of a statue of Adolph Coors waved American flags, blew air horns and revved motorcycle engines. "Al Jazeera is terrorism," announced one sign. "Go home, Al Jazeera -- Voices for al Qaeda and bin Laden," proclaimed another. The protesters had shirts printed up for the occasion, saying "Buffalo Rose/Tokyo Rose" in English and Arabic, although they botched the Arabic translation. One biker covered his T-shirt in thoughtful, handwritten messages, such as "Islam Sucks" and "Al-Jazeera: Anti-American Pond Scum." . . .
The regulars at Buffalo Rose took the Qatari invasion, and the demonstration, in stride. "Al-Jazeera? Is he here? Where is he?" inquired Travis Henry, sipping a Bud Light.
There you have it. Travis Henry, freed from the petty iron grip of Roger Goodell and Pat Bowlen, has joined a biker resistance group dedicated to saving America -- or at least the glorious state of Colorado, which Travis has so embraced -- from the scourge of Islamofascism. Even the most rabid NFL fan would agree that his cause is far nobler than three yards and a cloud of dust.
We have to believe this is he case, as there obviously could only be one dude in Colorado named Travis Henry. At least only one who thinks that Al Jazeera is some guy, and not a TV network. That's gotta be Our Travis. Semper fi, brother.
Check out this video from last night's broadcast of "America's Got Talent". Here's the Hoff making an utter ass out of himself (yet again) by complimenting the contests for being "...as American as the Olympics are". That's right, because nothing is more American than the Olympics, just ask the Greeks...assclown.
Not much has been heard of Shaun Alexander this off-season other than his agent guaranteeing that he will be playing somewhere in 2008...although some in Seattle might say that not much has been heard of Shaun Alexander since the beginning of last season before he pretty much disappeared from relevance on the football field. Well, Shaun has resurfaced as the "virtual host" of HGTVPro.com's Builders Football league, a weekly pick 'em league for contractors, remodelers, and home improvement enthusiasts.
Online at the "BFL big screen," fans can watch exclusive interviews with Alexander, who is the Seahawks all-time leading rusher and was the NFL's MVP in 2005. Videos include candid commentary on his favorite football moments, his memories playing college ball at the University of Alabama, and even his passion for environmentally friendly building. "I've always been interested in home improvement and green construction, so hopefully I'll learn a few things through this connection to the guys at HGTVPro!" he added.
Yes, I'm sure he's really excited about this development. Shaun has to do something about his agent. Certainly a former NFL MVP and star running back can do better than sponsoring a HGTV spin-off site while sitting around waiting for his phone to ring? Is he really that much of a d-bag or is it that sponsors can't stand his Jebus talk and running out of bounds before he's hit like the rest of us?
We can't wait until Jacques Rogge criticizes Usain Bolt for excessive celebration for engaging in this dance off with Asafa Powell. Never mind the oppression and censorship in the background. Then again he'll probably be too busy planning for the Naypyidaw Olympics.
It's not quite Turbo and Ozone but this is so much better than watching Patra dance. I haven't been able to watch Jamaicans dance since seeing her shake it in a video. That voice. Those nails. There was no question who was doing the fucking and it wasn't me. The nightmares were like Freddy Krueger into dream. Hold me...
Wayman Tisdale had part of his right leg amputated yesterday due to bone cancer in the appendage. "Everything went well" said his wife. Thankfully, he should still be able to play some sweet jazz music starting in the fall.
Somebody call the wahmbulance for America's parents. They disbanding Little League teams because they have pitchers who throw real hard.
Nine-year old Jericho Scott has skills. When I say the boy has skills, I mean he has a 40 mph fastball. Instead of encouraging him, the Youth Baseball League of New Haven is trying to shut him down.
The league told him coach that Scott wasn't allowed to pitch any more because he throws too hard. The coach ignored the edict and sent him to the mound for the next game. Get this. The opposing manager forfeited, packed up and left. Wah! Way to man up.
Now the league is disbanding Scott's team, sending the players to other teams and refunding money. It said Scott's coach, Wilfred Vidro resigned but he's unaware of any resignation. Allegations are floating around that these actions are being taken because Scott refused to join the defending league champion who is sponsored by an employer of a league administrator. The league denies the allegations and says it is trying to protect the other players. It's probably a coincidence that Scott's team was 8-0 and rolling towards the playoffs when they shut him down.
Of course the kid feels like it's his fault. "I feel sad," he said. "I feel like it's all my fault nobody could play."
Regardless of motive, this is the definition of a a bitch move. It's another example of how organized sports in this country are starting to turn kids into sniveling douches who are told that being good is a fault. Why not allow other kids to face him and get better by facing the best? It's not like they'd have to face Scott every day. What is it about this country that has stopped parents from encouraging kids to be the best they can be? What happened to facing down adversity? Now they try to protect kids from every little thing that could be perceived as a threat or danger. Children taught to turn tail, run and sue instead of fighting and striving to get better. The kids on the forfeiting team probably got trophies for showing up that day. You brave little buckeroos.
Congrats to the parents for using children as pawns in their bullshit games over things that shouldn't even matter like Little League Baseball. If Scott is such a danger, why were his services sought for the defending league champion? If this is just about him, why would they can the manager and disband the team over one pitcher? This situation walks, talks and smells like bullshit.
Damn. BBC Commentator Chris Price went way over the line in describing the Bradford City defense this past weekend. He didn't just go over the line. He went back and destroyed it.
Reporter Chris Price was speaking live on air when he said Rochdale 'were making more holes in the Bradford defence than in a Spanish aircraft'.
He was speaking on Saturday just three days after a Spanair plane crashed at Barajas International airport in Madrid killing at least 153 people.
BBC Radio Manchester issued an apology after numerous complaints from listeners. Just wait until they hear that a BBC reporter complained that the BBC isn't doing enough to humanize the Taliban. They'll love that.
That's it, Cleveland. It's the pants that make you suck. Not dating site icon Brady Quinn.
The Browns wore chocolate brown pants for the first time in their history when they were molested by the Giants last Monday. Don't let the final score fool you. Browns fans weren't feeling the loss or the pants. Their loss had everything to do with the pants and nothing to do with the porous o-line and medicore quarterback.
Brady probably liked the molestation and the pants. We know he loves him some chocolate. This all sounds a bit racialist if you ask me. The Deuce does not approve of anti-deuce sentiments or behavior especially from anyone native to a city whose river has caught on fire.
I'm not sure whether the British are trying to one up the Chinese but if they are, it's a noble start. There's no way the 2012 London Olympics could even begin to approach the CGI greatness of the Beijing opening and closing ceremonies. I guess they decided to go after the world's heart in a different way by advertising their murderers instead of hiding behind state-sponsored subterfuge.
A montage of British achievement played behind British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and London mayor Boris Johnson as they promoted the 2012 Olympics in the UK. One of the images was of Myra Hindley otherwise known as the Moors Murderer. Hindley and her man kidnapped, sexually abused, tortured and killed four children back in the 60s. She also enjoyed the works of Adolf Hitler and the Marquis de Sade in her spare time. Good times!
Brown/Johnson was reported to be mighty pissed off but they had no worries. Hindley's image was created from children's hand prints. That's so sweet. I think that fact just gave myself diabetes.
A spokesman for Visit Britain said that "the inclusion of the controversial work showed that there was no 'censorship' in the UK but promised to withdraw it immediately". Riiiiight. It doesn't make sense to remove the image when Britain has had a solid line of quality murderers. Jack the Ripper must be rolling in his grave.
I know she can speak English. Just shut up and look.
Emmanuel Steward, Mike Tyson and Edgerrin James better watch out as well. They'd all be screwed if they were women on the LPGA tour and the LPGA is serious about a language requirement. Starting in 2009, players will be required to pass an English language oral assessment if they've been on the tour for two years. If they fail, they'll be suspended.
A group of Korean players was informed of the new rules at a meeting during the Safeway Classic. Out of 121 players, 45 are Korean.
Hilary Lunke, president of the Player Executive Committee, said much of this initiative stems from the importance of being able to entertain pro-am partners. Players already are fined if the LPGA receives complaints from their pro-am partners.
The tour says it will offer tutoring and other support services. Korean players interviewed by Foxsports.com agreed that it was important for international players to be able to speak English and didn't seem bothered by the threat of suspension. At first glance, the rule does seem to be a bit harsh even though players get two years from qualification to reach a level of "conversation, survival and 'golfspeak'". However the players don't have a problem with the rule and it serves as encouragement for the players to learn Engrish. Who am I to argue, super awesome cool boss man? Dae Han Min Gook!!
Well actually there are at least four, possibly five, but right now the biggest one is that I have to be lumped in with the drooling, quivering mass that is Philadelphia sports fans. That this is due to nothing more than a cruel twist of fate (i.e. I grew up in Philadelphia) is one of a number of ironies that most of the OTHER members of this august body practically swim in, for a vast majority of cases unbeknownst to them I am sure.
Take, for example, Mister James Calvin Rollins. You know him!
He's that guy who you used to call simply "MVP" until he had the temerity to say something you didn't like. Honestly, the unmitigated gall of the man! To call you, in so many words, fair-weather fans.
Guess what, assbags? He's right.
All Jimmy Rollins did was point out the irony-cum-stupidity of a fanbase that demands constant, unending perfection to twelve decimal places from players in a sport where being successful four times out of ten is an lofty, Gisele-Bundchen-sunning-topless-on-your-backyard-deck unattainable wet dream.
One day you're chanting "MVP!" and the next when he mentions that, hey, this shit is REALLY FUCKING HARD and would it kill you guys to kinda maybe not be such gigantic dicks all the time? You're booing him.
You wonder why players here say things like this? Do you really?
You had Allen Iverson, a five-foot-nothing hundred-and-nothing scrawny little dynamo flinging himself bodily at giants twice his size and getting the absolute everloving shit kicked out of himself on a nightly basis for your entertainment, and you ran him out of town on a rail. You have, in Donovan McNabb, AT WORST the third- or fourth-best quarterback in football and the most athletically-talented human being to play ANYTHING in this city in a generation, and some of you actually think the Eagles should dump his ass and start AJ Feeley. AY-FUCKING-JAY FEELEY! There's a world where AJ Feeley is better than McNabb, and its most famous denizen's catchphrase is "Me am Superman!"
You know why we haven't had a championship in 25 years? Because WE DON'T FUCKING DESERVE ONE! Karma, bitches. Wait for the wheel, as my old gramma used to say. You get what you give. No, wait, sorry, that's the New Radicals.
That and, I dunno, some stupid shit about a hat on a statue.
The important, knowing is half the battle lesson in all of this is that you dickwads should be nicer to J-Roll, because in a couple years when the Phillies ownership (quite possibly the only group of bigger dickwads than Philadelphia sports fans) remembers that they don't actually give a flying fuck and trade Rollins for fifty bucks and a pallet of Country Time Pink Lemonade mix (THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PINK LEMON!), you're gonna be crying in your beers when he wins a World Series someplace else.
At least that will be the first time that happened...
Ah, shit...
Ah, SHIT!
Okay, fine, at least Donovan McNabb will hopefully only win three Super Bowls when we trade him to Da Bears next year.
(If someone could Photoshop me a picture of D-Mac in a Bears uniform, yeah, that'd hit the spot.)
When you're the head hurler in charge, you can carry a hurling stick and curse people out like Joe Clark (Benson's no joke so watch the language). County Waterford hurling coach David "Davy Fitz" Fitzgerald gave one of the greatest halftime talks ever and one of his players was quick enough to record it for posterity. This is incredibly NSFW due to language but well worth it if you can get away with it.
William Wallace has nothing on Davy Fitz. You should watch this every day before you work, eat, shit and drink.
Unofficial Washington Redskins Mascot, Chief Zee, is not at all happy with losing CBS' "Most Fierce Mascot Competition" to the Baltimore Ravens' Poe and he wants the whole friggin world to know. Apparently Zee won the vote, but due to some alleged ballot stuffing, CBS determined that Poe, the cuddly stuffed bird (hardly fierce in my mind), was the true winner of the contest. Check out his unsolicited commentary on the matter here in a fan's video with the old guy. Zee is lookin pretty fierce in this video, his chompers look like they could fly out at any moment.
I imagine this is what it's like for Jon Kitna every season when he predicts a 10 win season and then gets his ass handed to him.
That's a Tony Jaa exit right there. I don't know who the winner is but he's definitely ready for the Kumite. Maximum points for knocking out Lil' Wayne too.
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