Random Video Of Horrific Violence, Part Deux

Just like New Jack City. Rock-a-bye, baby.

Lions Fans In Training For Upcoming Season

You'd think Matt Millen would give Lions fan Mike Lazzara the VIP treatment after he went off on Mike Roy Williams during practice yesterday. However he's too stupid to see the scapegoat in front of him even though it's gnawing on his balls.

Lazzara was tossed out of practice after heckling Williams and FB Jerome Felton. He yelled at Williams about taking plays off several times until Williams came over and confronted him.

“It just came out of nowhere, and I was like, ‘Huh?’ ” Williams said. “And he said it again, and I was just like, ‘What?’ And he said it again.”

Asked why he confronted Lazzara instead of ignoring him, Williams said: “I just wanted to know, ‘Where is he getting that from?’ And he said, ‘You take plays off in the season.’ And I said, ‘Well, why don’t you come and do my job and I’ll do your job and let’s see how it works.’ He said it again, and I said, ‘Yes, sir. All right.’ And I walked off.”

Lazzara was eventually led out by security after being booed by the seven other fans in attendance. He did have a point in saying that "There’s no signs that say you’ve got to stay positive.”

“I wasn’t yelling and screaming and using profanity and all this at Roy. I was just being constructive, and they boot me out. I mean, what in the world? Don’t even open it.’

I mean, really! Seriously? Talk to the hand, guy! Who knows why he's getting all worked up? Jesus told Jon Kitna that the Lions are winning 10 games this season so it's all good. There's still plenty of time to suck for the players. Fans probably aren't going off on Millen yet because they don't want to show their hand before the regular season starts.


Via Detroit Free Press

That's Not Kosher

Nice to see prejudice is a one way street when it comes to soccer in Israel. Beitar Jerusalem midfielder Derek Boateng was subjected to racial abuse that would have made Lazio fans and Spain coach Luis Aragones proud. The abuse was dished out by his own fans who were furious at Beitar's exit from the Champions League.

Beitar supporters are known for being extremist, right-wing ultras. Their racialism is usually directed at Arabs. Unfortunately for Boateng, he caught it full blast. Here's the video.



Besides the monkey noises, Boateng was subjected to chants of "Derek Boateng is a monkey" and "Derek Boateng is a son of a bitch". Other reports have noted that chants of "nigger" were also thrown in. I don't speak Hebrew but the reports I've seen seem to confirm each other and the one translation we were given also confirms what has been reported so far**. The hate continued until the fans were confronted by the team captain and another Israeli international.

The story gets stranger ... no, more fucked up. Boateng came out and denied the incident took place. Apparently, the club threatened to sack him after he made gestures to the fans in response to the abuse. Ghanaian news sites are calling him a compulsive liar for trying to cover up the situation. The guy can't win for trying. It's unclear what his contract situation is but he needs to get away from Beitar as soon as possible.


** It would be good to get another first-hand translation in case I'm missing some other insults.

I've tried to track down the story Real Sports did on Beitar and their ultras but I've had no luck so far.

Shit, somebody keep an eye on Kevin Bacon. We don't need any Hollow Man recreations. The movie was bad enough.

You Do Not Want To Get Between Gary Sheffield and Jim Leyland

Please let Gary Sheffield keep talking about his situation in Detroit. He already has manager Jim Leyland "flabbergasted" and we all know how he can lose his shit at the drop of a cigarette butt.

Sheff is pissed off again. Detroit is nowhere close to being a winner and he has to play DH.

"I can be in the outfield and play every day. I don't want to DH. I don't feel like a baseball player when I DH. I don't know how to be the leader that I am from the bench. I can't be a vocal leader. I can't talk to guys from the bench because I don't feel right about it.

"I don't prefer platooning here, but I understand because I got off to a slow start, that's part of it, but I feel I'm playing better now. I'm back to being a threat I need to be.

That doesn't sound too bad considering some of the other things Sheffield has said over his career justified or not. Too bad Leyland doesn't see it the same way.

"I told him that all I had here for him was a DH. If he did not want to accept that, do not accept the trade," Leyland recalled. "I'm still confused by the article because it talks about 'platoon doesn't set well.' Gary Sheffield never platooned here.

"Platoon is when you have a left-hand hitter and a right-hand hitter. One plays against right-hand pitching and one plays against left-hand pitching. That is a platoon."

"Anybody that has a brain knows that's not a platoon," Leyland said.

Leyland also claimed that Sheffield couldn't throw from the outfield because he wasn't fully healed. It seems as though they both have a point but it depends on whether Sheffield is healthy enough to play the field.

It doesn't sound like Leyland's going to do anything about it and GM Dave Dombrowski doesn't care either. It's a safe bet that Sheff won't quit when he does play unlike Manny but he'll raise a stink until the end of the season if he doesn't get his way. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Jim. It's gonna be a long month and a half.

Watch out, Chicago. The Riot says Ryan Dempster is going to be getting his improv on at Second City in the next couple of weeks. Keep an eye out and feel free to pass on any reports.

Blake Aldridge Is Like School On A Saturday

Really? Synchronized diving? What won't they let into the Olympics? Baseball and softball should feel terrible about being kicked out while synchronized diving and rhythmic gymnastics stick around. I can't wait for donkey jousting. Hopefully synchronized divers aren't all whiny bitches like English diver Blake Aldridge.

Aldridge wasted no time in throwing his partner Tom Daley under the bus after the duo finished last in the competition.

"I didn't blow anything, so I can go home happy," said Aldridge.

"Unfortunately it's a partnership, you both have to be on the top of your game. I wasn't on top of my game but Tom was nowhere near the top of his."

The pair were in third after the first dive but quickly dropped after several mistakes. There was also a "spat" between them between the 4th and 5th dives because Aldridge was on the phone with his mother. Daley asked him, "Why are you on the phone? We're still in the competition and we've got another dive to do."

"That's just Thomas - he's over-nervous. Thomas should not be worrying about what I'm doing but he was worrying about everyone and everything and that to me is really the sole reason why he didn't perform."

Daley took the high road and admitted being nervous. He said they both had a bad day and didn't do as well as they would have liked.

Here's the kicker. Aldridge is 26 and Daley is 14. Who sounds more mature and level-headed? Throwing a 14 year old under the bus for legitimately taking you to task? Stay classy, Blake.


Via BBC Sport

Random Video Of Horrific Violence, Part I

I don't know why he's so upset. That's a great view.

China Has The Look Of A Paper Champion

Did you watching the opening ceremonies? Did you know that every time you ooh'ed and aah'ed, a minority was beat up somewhere in China? Expect big things out of the Chinese in synchronized monk beating.

You weren't the only one impressed by the scale of the opening ceremonies. The media called it the greatest opening ceremony ever. One problem. It was fake. Those giant footprints in the sky? CGI "meticulously created over a period of months and inserted into the coverage electronically at exactly the right moment".

Gao Xiaolong, head of the visual effects team for the ceremony, said it had taken almost a year to create the 55-second sequence. Meticulous efforts were made to ensure the sequence was as unnoticeable as possible: they sought advice from the Beijing meteorological office as to how to recreate the hazy effects of Beijing's smog at night, and inserted a slight camera shake effect to simulate the idea that it was filmed from a helicopter.

"Seeing how it worked out, it was still a bit too bright compared to the actual fireworks," he said. "But most of the audience thought it was filmed live - so that was mission accomplished."

Gotcha, roundeye.


Via The Telegraph

The Ravens have so many injuries that the coaches and offensive players are being forced to play special teams. Maybe Boller can pull an Ankiel.

Spain's Olympic Basketball Team Looking To Offend China

This is an advertisement for a courier company, which took out a full page in the country's best selling newspaper Marca...showing Spain's Olympic Basketball team in full "slanty eye" mode. Apparently they thought no one would mind this. Anyone get the feeling that someone else might be gettin stabby while out there in China?

Via the Guardian UK

I Can Assure You, Theo Epstein, That When You Come, I Shall Revenge To You

Manny can't let go. It's that or the New York Post and Yankee fans are so desperate that they're willing to create any scenario to make the team better now that Pinstripe Jesus is on the DL.

The Post claims that Manny has no intention of staying in LA after the season. He wants to sign with the Yankees just so he can play the Red Sox and stick it to them. He did go to George Washington High in Washington Heights so there is some connection however it's unlikely that his high school is what would pull him back to New York.

Agent Scott Boras is probably going through several pairs of underwear thinking of the fee he can pull down for himself if he can work a deal between the Yankees and Manny. A bidding war between the Yankees and LA would suit him just fine. Dodger fans should enjoy Manny while he's around but they might not want to get too attached to him this season.

What The Hell Is In That Glass?

I'm not sure why the application of the malk mustache is so disturbing. It's like we've jumped to the end of some messed up internet porn clip. Don't front like you don't know what I'm talkin' bout.



Is there a donkey in the Bunker Suite?

Daunte Culpepper Won't Be Getting His Roll On In Pittsburgh

At least Aaron Brooks sits at home and wonders why he doesn't get any calls from teams looking for quarterbacks. It may have something to do with backwards passes and scrambling for -25 yards before being sacked.

Then there's Daunte Culpepper. He and Byron Leftwich had the good fortune of being flown to Steelers training camp for a workout after backup Charlie Batch broke his collarbone. Both of them impressed however Leftwich is staying and Culpepper is going home. Leftwich got with the program while Culpepper thought he was going to compete for the starting job against Ben Roethlisberger.

PFT seems to think that Culpepper still has a chance to sign if he gets off whatever he's on and realizes that he would only be there to cover for Batch in his absence. You almost want to salute Culpepper's drive to become a starter again. However he needs realize that he's not going to get that chance especially on a team with a Super Bowl winning franchise QB. He needs to latch onto a team and hope the starter goes down so he gets a chance. If he impresses, he'll have a good chance of being signed to a stupid contract by the Ravens cause that's how we do. He'll be able to buy 20 sex boats with all the money he'll get for being mediocre.

Ricky Hatton Fights Donerkabobs And Loses

Vacation sure has been treating The Hitman well. He's on vacation in Turkey and apparently spending his time singing karaoke while inhaling donerkabobs and chicken adana. Don't worry, Citeh fans. He always does this before he starts training. He'll be in fight shape by November.

You're probably wondering if he's any good at karaoke. We don't have any Turkish footage but we do have him doing Elvis. You probably want to turn it down and move your shorties and pets away from the speakers.



Good thing he fights better than he sings.

Ummm ... No.

Wake Up, Volk

August is one of the greatest months in the sporting calendar for someone like me. Football training camps are in full effect and the European soccer season finally begins. No longer do I have to dabble in lesser leagues and sports.

The German Bundesliga has wasted no time in delivering quality blogging material. Here's a quality facial courtesy of The Beautiful Game.



Look alive, jungen. Two birds with one stone. I think that's exactly what they meant by that expression. I also think I think they're rubbing 'Tussin on her face at the end. Way to be an ubermensch, little girl.

The Worst Olympic Trial Ever

This is just hilarious.

Exodus: Movement Of Jah People

What if NBA players gave commission David Stern a taste of his own medicine in response to his increasingly dictatorial rule over the league? Instead of fighting the new rules, he and the owners could run their league in whatever way they see fit. They would just have to keep the league profitable without help from their marquee players.

Add Kobe Bryant to the list of players who is willing to listen to offers from the promised land called Europe. When asked about the possibility of playing in Europe, he said,

“I’d go. I’d probably go,” said Bryant, during a USA Basketball press conference on Friday morning. “Like Milan or something like that, where I grew up or something like that… Peace out.”

Bryant continued: “Do you know any reasonable person that would turn down 50 (million dollars)?”

Bryant knows the language and the country. He also owns a team in the IPBL and has friends over there. Sheeeeeeit, it's almost a no-brainer.

“Because I grew up in Italy it has more significance to me because I’m more familiar with it, I’ve been there and I still have friends there,” said Bryant, a three-time NBA champion. “I’m thinking about buying a house out there. It would be nothing to me to be able to do that.”

Imagine if the NBA lost LeBron and Kobe. It's bad enough losing Earl Boykins and Josh Childress. They might as well write off the Carolina and Atlanta TV markets. If a player like White Chocolate left, they could lose the LA/Southern California market as well.

Then again, the league might be fine. Players like Starbury, Ron Artest and Tim Duncan could step in and pick up where the LeBron's and Kobe's leave off in Babylon... Hope Stern has a box of Depends on standby.

It's Funny Because It's True

"The Bucs were thought to be the favorites in the Favre sweepstakes. In fact, a group of their coaches went to a watering hole Wednesday night near the team's training facility at Disney World, thinking they were going to land Favre - until they saw the TV news flash around 1 a.m. that he was headed to the Jets."

Chad Pennington Works Out At Local High School

The New York Daily News is reporting that the Giants may be giving Chad Pennington a come hither look as they search for a viable backup for Eli Manning. They've looked at Anthony Wright, David Carr, Cleo Lemon and Todd Collins so far. Shane Folco and Cap Rooney are scheduled to work out in Albany next week.

Needless to say, Pennington was thrilled at the thought of staying in the swamps of East Rutherford. He held an open tryout at a local Jersey high school in an effort to get in front of his competition.




That's about right.

That was my skull! I'm so wasted! Dude, I am so fuckin' hungry. Hey man, what happened to all the Cheetos?

Speaking Of Manny...

It just won't end. Everything was finally wrapped up. Manny's in LA and Brett's in New York. We could all go back to our regular programming but Bud Selig had to show up a day late and a dollar short so he could start poking around like a pig searching for truffles with no sense of smell. Of course it would be a kosher pig. I'm no Mel Gibson.

Dan Shaughnessy writes that Bud has ordered his minion Rob Manfred to investigate the circumstances surrounding Manny's trade to the Dodgers last week. You've probably blocked it out already but we'll refresh your recollection. Red Sox had option on Manny for 2009 and 2010. Manny want free agent. Boras no make money on Manny unless new contract. Manny and Boras want out. Manny stop trying. Red Sox angry. Red Sox trade to Dodgers. Boras allegedly call Red Sox saying they no want trade. News comes out about call. Boras deny deny deny. Red Sox say nothing.

It's not clear what Selig wants Manfred to find out or what he would do with the information. Even if things went down as reported, what would he do? Same thing he always does. Nothing. Maybe he would just declare the trade a tie and declare a victory for fair play.

Andruw Jones can't spell his name, hit or make the fans love him. He wishes he wasn't such a dick earlier in the season now that Manny's in town and everybody loves him.

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over ... I Think

The arm of the Jets starting quarterback just aged 30 years. The body attached to it is different as well. Brett Favre has been traded to the Jets and not a minute too soon.

Jay Glazer reports that the Packers will receive a fourth-round pick but that could increase in value depending how the Jets do and how many snaps Favre takes this season. Should the Jets reach the Super Bowl and Farve reach a certain percentage of snaps, the pick could become a first-rounder.

Both teams released statements confirming the trade and licking his narcissistic ass. Finally we can hear the end of this absurd saga and focus on how much longer we have to go before an NFL player gets arrested. The college kids can't keep this up much longer.

Mike Florio over at Pro Football Talk reports that the trade also has terms preventing the Jets from trading Favre to a NFC Central team. However there's no reason the Jets couldn't trade him elsewhere if they chose to do so. For the love of everything that's holy, let's hope Woody keeps Favre in the swampland he loves so much.

There is some collateral damage as a result of this bizarre couple of weeks and the trade. Chad Pennington and his eight year-old arm could be a casualty as the Jets need to make cap room to sign Favre. Who even knows the mental state of Aaron Rogers? Favre may be gone but the Green Bay fans let him know how they feel and the team has fucked with his emotions. The Packers organization's rep has taken a hit over the wishy-washy, indecisive, bitch way they handled this drama. Let's see how he deals with the New York press when they're constantly on his ass after his first six interception game.

Kiss The Ring, Bitch

Cristiano Ronaldo thought he was big time. He thought he could do what Jaap Stam, David Beckham, Roy Keane and Ruud Van Nistelrooy couldn't do. He thought he could make Sir Alex Ferguson bend to his will. Here come the pain, big time. He's staying at Old Trafford this season.

'Sir Alex Ferguson heard my reasons, I heard his and we have an agreement that the best for both parties would be if I stay. Therefore, I can confirm that next season I will play in Manchester United.

'For a while, my desire was that Manchester would accept Real Madrid's bid. To say the opposite would be cheating people and my own conscience.'

Translation: I wanted to leave. I tried to force a move. Fergie said, "Um...no."

Fergie took the step of flying to Portugal to have a word with the wayward boy.

"I flew to Portugal some weeks ago and we cleared the air and he spoke to some of the players," Ferguson told MUTV.

"The boy has been through a troubled time in terms of the approaches from Spain but once he knew my stance, he then settled down.

..."We can put this to bed now. It's finished and the boy is a Manchester United player and that's the most important thing."

Whatever he said changed Ronaldo's tone right quick.

"I was responsible for all this controversy," [Ronaldo] added.

"I was the one who publicly expressed my desire to go to Real Madrid. I ended up being, even involuntarily, responsible for the poor relationship between the two clubs."

That's gangsta. Kunta Kinte should have realized that Fergie sells when he wants to sell and on his terms. Now he's forced to service Fergie's favorite boy on demand until the winter transfer window as an example to all others who would challenge the rule of Red Nose.

McCain Visits Marshall, Energy Plan Lost on Players

Presidential candidate John McCain showed up at Marshall University's football practice and gave the kids a pep talk like no other. This pep talk included a whole lot of his own personal hell including mostly his time serving in a war, being prisoner of war during that time and basically saying when the times get tough...suck it up. Here are his words of wisdom.

“We were a team and we had leaders. Our leaders were our senior ranking officers. They’re the ones that when we failed they picked us up and sent us back into the fight. And we didn’t always win. Sometimes it was very tough,”

Does McCain know Marshall football or what? I am thinking he is taking the under on the win totals for them this year for sure. I have no idea how this speech inspires anyone to win anything, in a nutshell he just said "You're going to lose, losing is tough, but you're going to have to pick yourselves up and go back out there...and you might lose again". Words to live by kids, words to live by.

McCain should have just kept going on with something like this. "You might lose again, because deep down inside we're all losers. I know I am. Sure you may win a little bowl, that's kinda like winning a senatorial race, you get some press, you get some accolades, but you know its pretty meaningless in the grand scheme. Just remember, be careful if you try to go for that national championship kids...if you're kinda like me, and I think we know you are, you're gonna lose."

From Wall Street Journal

Everywhere We Go,They Say Damn. Maurice Simmons is F**king Up The Program

Do I look like a muthafuckin' role model?
To a kid lookin' up ta me,
Life ain't nuthin' but bitches and money.

USC recruit Maurice Simmons takes those words to heart. Too bad he didn't realize the bitches and money were at USC and not on some street in (Where you from, fool?) Compton.

Simmons and a codefendant were found guilty of felony robbery, assault with a firearm and a misdemeanor for allowing someone to have a gun in his car. The two jacked a man on a Compton street. Simmons didn't hold the gun but it was found in his car along with the victim's possessions.

The linebacker recruit hasn't been admitted yet and now it looks as though he's got no chance in hell. Pete Carroll should look at Simmons as an opportunity to stay close to #1 Georgia. The more delinquents on a college football team, the better it does. It's been scientifically proven by the American Academy of Sciences, RAND, CERN, Cal Tech, MIT, SAIC and your moms. It also helps if one of your program's biggest backers is a rapper. See Miami. Doo Doo Brown!! (Maybe NSFW, uncensored version - Turn volume down)

Theo Fleury Tries Sport With Ball

The Calgary Vipers of the Golden Baseball League will sign former NHL all star Theo Fleury to a pro contract today and he will make his professional baseball debut Friday against the Yuma Scorpions in a double header.

Even though Fleury is 40 years old, he will undoubtedly be the most talented player on the Vipers. Have you ever heard of the Calgary Vipers? Me either. I didn't even know there was a Golden Baseball League until right now either. Sounds like the baseball version of the Senior PGA tour or something. Ya know, for players in their golden years. They say he'll just be around for those 3 days, but I smell a second career for this guy. I bet at his age he could play a mean 1st base. I am wondering if the Vipers will let him take the field or will they pinch hit for him? Lets just hope he doesn't fill his bat full of superballs or something and make a fool out of himself. Gary Coleman ruined it for everyone.

From Our Sports Central

AFLAC Finally Pays Off

Gilbert Gottfried's comedy insurance must have finally come in because he kills it in this ripped footage from the Bob Saget roast.

Welcome Back Football

Kyle Boller was just announced as the starter for the Ravens first preseason game.



It's going to be a long season for whoever ends up under center for the Ravens.

You'll Get Nothing And Like It

It's a new season and Lovie Smith has a new way of telling the Sex Cannon he's not playing. Screw meetings. How about practicing the pre-game introduction and having Kyle Orton run out with the first team? It's probably best that he get used to it now.

More evidence that women athletes don't want it bad enough. Placebo doping may actually increase performance more in male athletes. Chinese and Russian Olympians prefer to stick with the real.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a minute since we've done a soccer roundup. In the spirit of laziness and lack of motivation to come up with something original, we bring it back like BKs and jheri curls. Randy Watson forever.

Honeymoon Over For The Special One?
The regular season hasn't even started and already Jose Mourinho is catching some heat physically and in print. What the hell have they done to him? Popped collar? Tikka tinge? He probably rides a lime green Vespa with a lime green helmet to and from the San Siro saying "Ciao!" to people as he rides by. Where's the Jose of old?


There no need for him to become the Italiguese Terry Venebles.

Jose's appearance isn't the only thing under the heat lamp. He's also catching heat from the Italian press for tearing Juventus and former Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri a new one the size of the Holland Tunnel.

The Inter coach slammed his Juventus rival by implying he had a loser's mentality and was "nearly 70 years old" - Ranieri turns 57 in October.

You'll either find that funny or have the same reaction as the Italian press who are acting like someone's mother was molested. Comments ranged from "arrogant, offensive and in poor taste" (which isn't too far off) to "hideous". Stefano Agretesti of Corriere dello Sport was shocked that such comments would be made in Italy. Apparently he is unfamiliar with his buffoon of a prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, who he and his fellow countrymen keep putting back in power.

Keep it up , Jose.


Lalas Doesn't Have The Skills To Pay The Bills

Everyone's catching fire in this version of the Roundup. It does feel a bit wrong to tee off on the guy that bought me beers at the Cathedral but we can't let sauce interfere with our integrity. It's all we have. Seriously, it is and we don't have very much. Buy our shit. It's hot.

Los Angeles Galaxy GM Alexi Lalas's days could be numbered if reports are correct. The Los Angeles Daily News details the continuing woes of the Galaxy and the increased pressure on Lalas. It seems as though he will end up being the fall guy for the team's capitulations.

The team atmosphere is "poisonous". Lalas and manager Ruud Guillit don't get along. Guillt and Landycakes don't get along. Beckham's crew increasingly has more say in what happens in Carson. Nick Green asserts that it was Beckham's people that hired Guillit, not Lalas. AEG exec Tim Lieweke told all parties involved to get their shit together or risk getting the chop.

To his credit, Lalas knows the writing is on the wall. One thing working in his favor is that Guillit blows up every situation he has stumbled into from Chelsea to Newcastle to the Dutch National Team. No reason why LA should be any different. Lalas has been a management failure everywhere he has worked. They should be failure buddies.

Lalas seems to be more mouth and publicity hound than a GM who knows how to create a successful product on the pitch. It would be unfair to rip him without giving him some credit. When he was GM of the Metrostars (now Red Bulls), he and other team execs came to speak to fans in order to find out what we thought was necessary to make the team better. It's rare that the management of any professional team would take time out to hole up in a bar to find out what the fans think. Maybe he should stay away from personnel decisions and focus on team outreach and fan development.


Napoli Fan Prefers Cash Over Inter's Empire Of Dirt


This is a new one. A Napoli fan successfully sued Inter Milan for existential damages after being subjected to "offensive banners and chants" during a match at the San Siro last season.

Inter have been ordered to pay €1,500 to the fan, who has chosen to remain anonymous, after their supporters showed banners at the San Siro calling Naples the "sewer of Italy". Other banners read: "Ciao cholera sufferers" and "Neapolitans have got tuberculosis" in reference to a crisis in which the streets of the southern Italian city became deluged with rotting refuse for several months following a dispute involving Camorra-run waste disposal service companies, landfill sites and the government.

Never mind the fact that there are actually huge piles of garbage all over Naples. The fan maintained that he was "indignant and deeply hurt". I fail to see how the condition of his existence was affected by these banners and chants. Any dread or alienation he feels probably comes from the shit show going on in Naples right now. Transcend, bitch.

Play Baseball Trivia and win a Treasure Hunt

This week we are being featured as part of an online sports/baseball treasure hunt sponsored by www.wildtreasure.com. Wild Treasure is a free online treasure hunt, where the first person or group to solve the hunt wins a cash prize. Go check it out, sign up and play. There are no catches, no strings attached, just free money to be won.

This isn't sports-related but it's well worth the watch. Wynton Marsalis and Wycliffe Gordon have a jazz duel from their windows. Wynton does a lot for jazz education and promotion but I'm not the biggest Wynton fan when it comes to his music. However this is pretty damn cool.



Don't worry. We'll go back to lowbrowing it.

The Fridge Ain't No Joke

Maryland Terps coach Ralph Friedgen makes players line up at the buffett table according to GPA when on the road. "Maybe sitting in the omelet line for 30minutes will motivate them to go to class a little more."

How about making them eat different food according to their GPA? The ones with the highest GPAs eat the regular food. The ones with the lower GPAs have to eat gruel or some other nondescript, bland energy providing meal. Maybe he could limit the amount of food served so the low GPAers get nothing.

Let's hope no one on the team has a learning disability or is hiding literacy problems like Dexter Manley. Drawing a line in the sand like this has to make the Fridge one of the most feared coaches in the ACC. What does he do for "team rule" violations? Make them go to bed an hour earlier or shower last? Bobby Bowden spits in your general direction. "Boys will be boys, Fridge."

Prince Fielder Falling Off The Meat Wagon

The Prince Fielder is recognizable for its barrel-shaped torso, enormous mouth and teeth, hairless body, stubby legs and tremendous size. It is similar in size to the White Rhinoceros; only elephants are consistently heavier. Despite its stocky shape and short legs, it can easily outrun a human. Prince Fielders have been clocked at 30 mph (48 km/h) while running short distances, faster than an Olympic sprinter. The Prince Fielder is regarded to be Milwaukee's most dangerous player, and is among the most aggressive players in the world.

We've also heard the rumors about Prince Fielder being a vegetarian. Come on, dawg. You really believe that? Random Video Musings brings us some video evidence to the contrary.



It looked as though Prince was about to tenderize Manny Parra in the dugout. Prince expended a great deal of energy diving for that ball. Lettuce and sprouts ain't gonna get that back. Maybe he was doing CC Sabathia a solid but that was a look of rageful hunger on his face. Prince Fielders may or may not be vegetarians but they are also quite deadly. Let this be a lesson to everyone especially the sausage racers.

Fall off a overpass and break your back? That's a taserin'.

Brentwood Academy: Where You Can Beat The S**t Out Of Life's Problems

It's been a long time since parents and their children could sit down together and watch a movie that gives kids knowledge for life from upstanding citizens. A movie that teaches them about trust, loyalty, mercy, compassion and respect for your fellow man. Kimbo Slice and Hulk Hogan are coming to the rescue with a movie that even batshit crazy Kirk Cameron would give four Holy Grails.

Slice and Thunderlips are joining forces and starring in a "hilarious kids comedy" called "Kung Fu U" in 3D. How is an unmade movie hilarious?

"Kung Fu U" in 3D is a Disney-type comedy about of a bunch of nerds and misfits that are sent away by their wealthy parents to the Brentwood Academy (a.k.a. Kung Fu U) to learn the finer arts of self-defense. It's a heart-warming romp where the rather weathered warriors come to the rescue for the kids, and in turn, the kids rescue the warriors' seemingly lost souls from what had been their eternal apathy. It's a feel-good story that reminds us that we're all the same, no matter what our age, or where we came from, and that we should all stick together.

No doubt hilarity will ensue from the opening credits! Kimbo can teach the kids about showing mercy and compassion (profanity in video).

The little Hulkamanics will also learn that bad things happen to people because they deserve it. Lessons from Jebus if you will. Learn about sticking together and fucking your daughter's best friend who happens to look like your daughter. What's someone else's is yours. It's family! You could always pull the Bill Clinton and go for the closest thing. That's being resourceful. Ramming speed! It doesn't matter cause we're all the same no matter what our age!

There's no word on whether Lawrence Phillips, Brett Myers and OJ will be guest lecturers at Brentwood Academy.

Vince Carter can't get it done at the club either.

Bullfighting Is Played Out Like Kwamé And Them Polka Dots

The Bull Jumpers - Watch more free videos

Running with the bulls? Kid's play. Bullfighting? Amateur night. We'll see you bull jumping. Let's see your cojones now, pendejo.

Wayne Rooney's WAG thinks she's a celebrity in her own right. George Clooney's ex says the same thing. Someone needs to check these chickenheads and fast.

What I Had Meant To Say Was...

"I keep my confidence on myself. I believe you make your own destination." (Tu fallas.)

Remember all that talk from Manny about not caring where he was traded even if it was to Iraq? Yeah, check that. It was all a front.

The Boston Globe reported that Manny was trying to make some moves on the DL to keep himself in Boston while talking shit to the press about the team and his apathy towards his situation.

Of all the Manny moments in Boston, the last ranks as one of the most confounding. Within an hour after Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein informed Manny Ramírez he had been traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers Thursday, Ramírez's agent, Scott Boras, called the Sox back, according to a source with direct knowledge of the negotiations. If the Sox dropped the option years on his contract - which they had agreed to do if they traded him - Boras said Ramírez would not be a problem the rest of the season.

For the Sox, the source said, Ramírez's pledge of good behavior only served as a tacit admission that his disruptive conduct of the last couple of weeks had been calculated, and they had had good cause to suspect more was in the offing if they did not trade him. The Sox told him thanks but no thanks, what was done was done, and pack plenty of sunscreen.

It took a call from Boras for the Sawx to realize that Manny's behavior was calculated? Maybe we give Boy Wonder and Stat Man too much credit. Of course his behavior was calculated. It appeared to be clear to everyone except Manny and Boras that enough was enough and he had to go. Did they think Epstein and Co. were bluffing during talks with Florida, Philly and other teams? Did he think that he would be allowed to walk at the end of the season as a free agent especially in light of his behavior? Jim Bowden would have let him walk for a rusty bucket of dicey clams and diabetes but there was small chance of Boston letting him get away for nothing.

The trade that resulted in the acquisition of Jason Bay from the Pirates seems to have gone over well in the clubhouse.

David Ortiz: “Things got to the point where they had to do something - and they did. They’re happy, Manny’s happy. I’m going to miss my man, I’m not going to lie to you, but we’re looking forward. The team needed it.”

Jason Varitek: “Things escalated to degrees where something had to be done either way. …Either way, I think it’s a relief that there’s closure to something that’s been going on for the last week or 10 days. I’m just relieved there’s an actual solution, which there was going to be, regardless, on this day.”

Jonathan Papelbon: “From the front-office standpoint, I feel like this did have to happen. Sometimes you make decisions, regardless of whether you got a worse player or better player out of that deal - it makes your team as a whole better. I think that’s what their decisions was based on, that feeling of camaraderie and 25 guys playing for the same goal.”

Mike Lowell: “I think (Ramirez’ constant griping) had a big impact on people in upper management because there are important decisions to be made in the next couple of years.”

Let's see how Joe Torre and Sawx West deals with his antics when they start. I suspect he'll have a much shorter leash.


** Expected Denial Update ** - Boras called the report "completely inaccurate". “'I never called them back (after the trade).'”

While Boras declined to address specifics, he did acknowledge the Red Sox and Ramirez discussed an array of solutions before the three-way deal that brought Jason Bay to Boston. One source confirmed the possible outcomes included Ramirez remaining with the club if the Sox formally declined to exercise the player’s $ 20 million option for 2009 following this season, an alternative organization decided against largely because it deemed the player untrustworthy.

I assume Boras meant he brought up the option and the team laughed until they pissed themselves.

"Oh for the love of God, somebody get the jaws of life!" The Ravens are dropping like flies. Son of a bitch. At this rate, mascots Edgar Allen and Poe will be starting on the O-Line during week 1.

When Putting On A Clinic Goes Wrong

Not to take anything away from Nicolas Anelka who scored four goals against AC Milan in the Railway Cup this past weekend but his job wasn't too difficult. There are numerous examples of the proper way to play goal and defend. Then there are examples of everything you shouldn't do in either position. AC Milan decided to roll with the latter.



Happy Uncle Roman. That's what I want to see.

Old Hotness: Gulag Life.

Pour out a little liquor** for Alexander Solzhenitsyn. The inspiration for Mr. Thug Life 2Pac passed away from heart failure today at age 89.

** Radio edit for you working stiffs.

I Don't Know Jake Brown But You Are No Jake Brown

You might remember skateboarder Danny Way from jumping the Great Wall of China. He tried to do a Big Air impression of Jake Brown at this year's X Games. You might remember Mr. Brown from last year's X Games where he tried to show off by blowing his shoes off his feet after falling four stories.



Fail.

The announcers talked about having the "best medical staff in the business" after Brown's fall. However in his and Way's cases, the staff walked them off the ramp. My name means doctor so I know a little bit about this. That just doesn't seem right. The extent of their injuries are unknown at the time so why would they risk further injury by making them walk it off? The medics were probably in the locker rooms rubbing 'Tussin all over their wounds and talking about windows to weight gain.

What's with rubbing his chest? Talk about taking advantage of someone when they're vulnerable. "This is my chance, dude. I gotta take it."

Brown ended up with liver and lung bruising, vertebrae stress fractures and a fractured hand. Way managed to escape with ligament damage in his right knee, ankle and shoulder in addition to abrasions. Damn lucky considering how both could have turned out.

Black kids are better at soccer because they're "physically stronger" and "lazy white boys are missing out on football’s big time because they do not have the stamina of black children or play enough with their friends"?

Invisible Chinese Wrestling Rocks

This is a concept that I cannot believe Vince McMahon has not used in a match yet. Invisible man vs. actual wrestler. Its Zhao Yun Zilong vs. the invisible Misutero...basically he's wrestling himself. Just brilliant.

Break Up The Nationals Please!

So now that the trade deadline has passed, I figure I'm going to take a second to go off on a rant about my favorite team (20 game plan holder since season 1) the Washington Nationals. Here we go...

<rant>

I hate my team. I really, really hate them. Now, don't go calling me a fairweather Nats fan, I'm not going off the bandwagon, I understand that you have to go through the bad times to get to the good, I really do. I'm a Wizards/Bullets fan, I'm a Capitals fan, I know a thing about sucking before you see the promised land (in those 2 teams cases, I've never actually seen the promise land but that's a different story). I'm a Redskins fan for crying out loud, it was great when we won, but since 1991 we have lost more games than we've won. Trust me when I say I know about sticking with your team through thick and thin. But when you see your team being run into the ground during the thin times, how can a true fan just sit by and say nothing?

Well, for me right now, this might be the thinnest of times I've ever seen and it is painful to watch and I am having a hard time understanding why I am paying Major League Baseball money for a team that doesn't seem to be meeting many of the standards set by every other team in the league for professional play. This team was set up to fail miserably this season and we're supposed to still just be happy we've got baseball in DC? Where is the progress of "THE PLAN" that is supposedly in place? What reason do we have for this blind faith the team is asking of the fans? For those of you who don't know, this is what we've got going on here in DC.

• Our major league team is really just a collection of AAAA players with a smattering of young talent that is long on potential but short on realizing it anytime soon and even if they reach the potential they have we have maybe 3 people that could be difference makers on a championship team (Elijah Dukes, Ryan Zimmerman and Jesus Flores).
  
• A pitching staff that used to be washed up veterans but now is a collection of mostly young starters that wouldn't be any higher than the #4 starter on any other team at best.
• A minor league system that was in ruins and is now slowly getting stocked with players, yet no other team in the league seems to agree with the Nationals' assessment of how good those players are and none of them are projecting out to be a major impact bat or arm at this point.
• An owner with a reputation of being a cheapskate and with his recent legal actions against the city that gave him a stadium for free and not paying a single day's cent of rent for the stadium yet, one cannot automatically discount it. Also, where is that #1 draft pick signing?
• A team president in that asks his followers to believe in the Plan. He asks for patience and faith and time but in return he gives the fans...um...I'm not sure. A pretty crappy ballpark that gauges its fanbase for a product that is by all accounts substandard. I do know we are severely lacking in bobblehead giveaway nights as well...I want my bobbleheads!
  
• A GM with an unfathomable love for "toolsy" outfielders and ex-Cincinatti Reds players who never perform up to the potential he seems to think they all still have. Nice job giving up Juan Rivera chief.
  
• The front office assistants and scouts are mostly from Arizona and have been slowly accumulating as many Diamondback minor leaguers as they can, which is eerily reminiscent of the aforementioned GM and not entirely horrible on the face since the Diamondbacks have a pretty good farm system. Sadly the last 2 acquisitions will not do anything to help the Nationals severe lack of offense but should provide some spectacular middle infield defense.
• A manager that should part time as a motivational speaker with the amount of positive thinking cliches he spouts...but he's not the problem, if he weren't there keeping this collection of misfits together we'd have anarchy in the clubhouse. Viva le Manny!
  
• A hitting coach that seems to be doing WAY more harm than he ever has good and appears to have no idea how to tell someone to take the 1st pitch. TAKE THE DAMN FIRST PITCH! DON'T SWING IN A 3-0 COUNT! STOP "TRYING" TO HIT HOME RUNS! Is it that hard?
• The Nationals might just have the worst third base coach in the history of third base coaches.
  
• An amazing pitching coach...sign him FOREVER.
• A stadium that is new and nice but bland as hell and like most new ballparks quite pricey to attend. This would not be a problem except we are being asked to pay this money to watch garbage. Pure garbage.
  
• A television contract the team cannot control that has them with just 40 HD games on a network that no one can find and only 9,000 viewers for each game on tv in one of the best television markets in baseball. On the bright side, the owners get 25 million dollars for doing absolutely nothing about the situation. Way to help out the fans guys.
  

So...as you can see, I am not happy. Now, I knew going into this season that it wasn't going to be pretty, but I expected to see the same plucky group of characters that had defied expectations every single year they've been in town. Those teams finished up with a bad but not ugly record but watching them play was actually fun. It was fun because they had major league ball players playing like a pro team should. They had strong at bats, they got on base, they scored runs, they pitched...well they didn't pitch great, but if they had a lead they'd do their damnest to keep it, they ran the bases smart, they played solid defense. Basically, they played the game the way it should be played. This team does all these things at some points, but never all at once. They might get 1 or 2 things right in one game and that makes it miserable product to watch.

I have a 20 game plan for this season, like I have had for every season the team has been in town, but this year I may have attended 3 games so far. Why is that? Well for starters, I hate my seats. My group got screwed in our seat change for the new stadium. I hate our seats. I have sat in my seats once and it wasn't even for a full game. I hate our seats. I stand in the Beer Pen in the outfield because it is less cramped than our seats (yes RFK had better seats) and I get a better view of the pitcher and batter. I HATE our seats. Ok...there is that but the real problem is I cannot get excited for this team.

I am a knowledgeable enough baseball fan and I know the Nationals have no chance of winning a game unless the stars align just right, which doesn't happen often. About 2 out of 3 times it doesn't happen. This is a major league product? Who wants to go to the stadium, sit in cramped seats, move to a standing room only section and stand for most the game, pay out the nose for food and beer, sit around a bunch of fans of the opposing team who are happy and cheering their team because their team is winning and my team is losing and more than likely getting shut out while playing an abortion of major league ball. The team thinks so little of its fans it says "oh they're just young" to brush aside the ugly play on the field but lately our starting lineups have average 28 years in age. They are not young, they are just bad and there is no excuse for any of it other than these players should not be playing professional baseball together.

Again, you can call me fairweather, but that would be wrong. I'm not rooting for any other team, I will stick by the Nationals but I just really hate them right now and it pains me to watch them be this bad. They are already looking towards next year and so am I. I am waiting for next season when the players are healthy, when the players start working the pitch count, when we run out ground balls, when we throw out would be base-stealers, when we have a team batting average that is over .241, when we slug over .360 and when we have an OBP over .314, when we play baseball like a major league team instead of a minor league team. Will any of that happen? Probably not with the talent we have ready to come up from the minors and certainly not with the team we have this year.

Why are the fans asked to pay major league prices for this product? I was planning on going to the stadium on Friday to watch a game and if I could ask the team president, Stan Kasten, that question I would, but except for the fact that I have already purchased a ticket, what is the point? The team has given up on the year, why can't I?

</rant>

Air Racing > Ground Racing

This might just be the coolest thing I've seen all year. Auto racing is for wimps, rocket racing is for real men. The Rocket Racing League yesterday displayed its prototype "formula one" rocket powered aircraft that will be the vehicle the league will use to run its races. That is freakin cool.

How does one race rocket planes you ask? Well the planes will fly through a three dimensional course that shows up in the HUD (heads up display) of the pilots, and i assume on monitors for people on the ground. Think of it like that old nintendo video game Star Fox, only in real life...and without the dumbass animals talking to you the whole time.

If you want to watch an example of the racing, watch this video

Its about time that someone does something cool like this. I have never gotten into NASCAR or INDY or F1 racing at all, seemed too boring to me watching cars go around circles or closed loops, but this...this is different. It could be like watching a race scene out of a bad star wars movie in real life, only much better because that bastard Jar Jar Binks isn't shucking and jiving all over the place. The only question is, which ESPN channel with this be on...or has Versus found something else to add to its programming besides the NHL?

Originally found via Space.com

Deco: The Definition Of A Dog

Think you're a player? Have you gotten your mistress pregnant while your first wife was expecting your third son? Did you divorce the first wife then marry the mistress only to divorce her after being busted taking part in an orgy with prostitutes while on a trip? Didn't think so.

That's how new Chelsea signing Deco gets down. If "40 Condom" Robinho joins him from Real, the women of London better bring lunches to the Bridge. It could be a long season.

The Detroit Pistons have no interest in winning the next two seasons. Hopefully they have cases of French dressing on hand.

Billy Ocean Would Be Disappointed in Bobby Petrino

"White power, white power!"

Somehow I don't think Billy Ocean meant for people to take him literally when he said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." If that were the case with "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car"**, Chester the Child Molester would be using that song as his script when cruising in his cargo van at 2:30 PM Monday through Friday.

Petrino took to the podium during SEC media days and gave excuses so good that Nick Saban might have shed a tear if he had anything but coal and greed in his heart. When asked about his new job as Razorback head coach and his departure from the Falcons, the b.s. started to flow like the runs.

"Yeah [the Falcons situation] was [the most difficult time he endured as a coach]," he said. "It was a trying situation. But everybody there worked as hard as they could to do the best job they could. ... The whole situation, the timing was bad, no question. With the Falcons, and with Arkansas, it was really the only way it could play out."

Three games left in the season. Oh I don't know. Maybe he could have finished the season then resigned to pull a Rodney Dangerfield. Maybe he could have addressed his team and the organization face to face instead of sneaking out like a Mayflower truck (not that I'm still bitter about the Colts or anything). Maybe he could have been straight up with owner Arthur Blank instead of lying to his face.

In Atlanta, Petrino found himself handcuffed by the dog-fighting controversy that surrounded quarterback Michael Vick. He said one the primary attractions of joining the Falcons was the opportunity [to] coach Vick.

After Vick was suspended by the league and eventually sentenced to federal prison, Petrino said much of the attraction was gone.

"They had a quarterback at that time that I thought could be real special, so that played a lot into it," he said. "But, you know, it was a difficult season. You always try to look back and really try to reflect on what I could have done better here and what we could have done better."

Billy Ocean says Petrino is very bad man. At least that's what I think he would say. I imagine he sounds like Jar Jar Binks or Screwface when he talks unless he fakes it like Lennox Lewis.

Arkansas must be pleased to know that when things get hard, Coach Bobby will have one foot out the door. I can understand wanting to run away from the worst QB in NFL history but the city and rest of the team had no choice. Do players and fans need to worry about his commitment if they hit a rough patch or lose some of their top players to injury, arrest or ineligibility?

I can't wait until his press conference in the fall of 2009 when he takes the Valley High job. "I love high school football. I was asked earlier what it is I like about high school football. And really the answer is everything."


** You can't tell me that "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" isn't a stalker anthem. Listen to the lyrics and don't be distracted by the awesome animation and choreography. Every Breath You Take and Invisible could also be included on a compilation album. "Is that Stalker Rock? Well turn it up!"

Did I just admit I know a Clay Aiken song? Shit, it must be the Malibu talking. Wait, I swear someone just told me as I was writing this. I thought it was Nick Lachey. That's better? Right? Please tell me I'm not a douchebag ... Hello?

Stab someone 133 times and use their head as a bowling ball? That's a paddlin'.

Robbie Keane Does More Than Kick The Ball

Damn. Liverpool actually made another good signing. Hopes that last year's signing of striker Fernando Torres was like a pig finding a truffle went out the window with today's £20.3 million signing of striker Robbie Keane from Spurs. Grudgingly, I admit that this is a great capture for the fat Spanish waiter. However it's not just because of his abilities on the field.



If Keane was around during the Craig Bellamy era, there wouldn't have been unplanned golfing events and Liverpool might have been in Moscow instead of Chelsea. Then again he couldn't have stopped Riise's defection to Chelsea. Phil "Big Nose" Thompson knows.

The Koreans just jacked it**. The Chinese aren't going to leave Olympic gold to the judges. They're all about the subterfuge.


** If you don't want to watch the whole fight, here's a History Channel synopsis of the controversy.

Sleep Well, Flight Attendants

The scourge of the skies will harass you no longer thanks to some sweet ass American justice. Veteran flight attendants will tell trainees the story of David Cornacchia to scare the shit out of them. Kind of like how people scare Robin Williams with stories about bathing. Too dated?

Cornacchia, a hockey player for the ECHL Florida Everblades, was a terror on minor league ice as well as in the sky. He was sentenced to one year and one day in federal prison in addition to other penalties such as a fine and mandatory anger management and substance abuse programs. What brought this on? Going apeshit on a flight from Toronto to Dallas in late December 2007. Mr. Prosecutor?

“Several times requested more alcohol ... slapped male flight attendant with open hand ... put in plastic restraints ... exposed genitals in an apparent attempt to urinate ... head-butted the assisting passenger ... captain requested emergency approach to Dallas-Fort Worth airport.”

The judge was horrified by the incident and agreed with the prosecution that the sentencing guidelines should be changed from the recommended six months or less to 18-24 months.

Cornacchia was given a chance to speak before his sentencing.

“At no time during that flight did I mean to hurt anybody ... I harmed mostly myself, obviously,” Cornacchia said. “I haven’t been drinkin’ for seven months here, and I just want to move on with my life and try to keep playing hockey.”

No whistle, no penalty? The slap and headbutt are minors at the very least, homey. Remorse like that shouldn't be kept behind bars. Give him free like that guy from Amistad.

The soon-to-be Cornholio's incarceration leaves the Everblades with seven players. Don't wait up for that line change, boys. You got as much chance of that as Dave Coulier does of being funny.

I've been stuck watching old school videos on YouTube. What the hell ever happened to Hayden from the East Coast Family (:46)? I saw someone referred to him as "the singing version of Bubba Sparxx". I'll go with that.

Where's Your Messiah Now?

He's in Michigan, Chief. Michigan fans and some neutrals refer to Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez as RichRod while people from West Virginia and East Lansing prefer DickRod. At the risk of enraging Bucktown Skins Fan, we're going to go with DickRod. I'm not sure if he's at the Petrino-Saban level but he's pretty close.

If it were up to Rodriguez, he would probably say he'd like to be called Coach Messiah or RichGod. He recently had "the apostles" over to his house for a little bonding session.

“I had a handful of players that we call ‘the apostles’. It is a group of guys that the players pick as their leaders, some from each class … we always do that in the summer. I will meet them every week and we talk about issues and things that they would like to see and all that. It is really a kind of communication not that you have to be one of those guys to talk to me, but those guys are kind of the voice of players on certain things.

The apostles aren't supposed to be a religious thing.

"It's not in biblical nature," Rodriguez said. "The definition of an apostle is one that leads a new way. I'm not looking for them to change the world. That's a description of it. ... I don't want anybody to take it the wrong way."

"Since I was at West Virginia," he said. "I had a version of it, too, at the small school, Glenville State. I've always had a group of leaders that I let the players pick. We had a lot of fun with it. Sometimes it's as simple as picking pregame music or that kind of thing. It's not like they're making major decisions. They're not going to say, 'Coach, we're going to run the wishbone this week.' They're making suggestions, not decisions."

The word apostle can mean one who pioneers an important reform movement, cause of belief. Those don't sound like apostle-like activities. What exactly is the reform, cause or belief that makes the chosen players apostles? Shouldn't Rich/DickRod lead by example since he is the head of the Church of Blue? If we had to guess, it would gimme the money or fuck the kids.

Players were not allowed to participate the annual Heroes for Kids benefit last Wednesday. The benefit "raises money for Saginaw youth recreation". The team used the excuse of a mandatory strength and conditioning workout.

"It's a big disappointment for all of us," [Event Director Larry] Preston said. "The (U-M) players always have said how much they enjoy Heroes For Kids, and the strength and conditioning coach (Mike Barwis) said he wants to work with us on this next year.

"But this workout is mandatory, and all players must attend. It's coach Rod's call on that. This is his first year (at U-M), and he's doing everything he can to make sure his team is successful."

Doing everything like not even waiting until the season starts to start violating NCAA rules?

(2) Summer Conditioning Period. [FBS/FCS]
In football, between the start of summer conditioning and the start of preseason practice period, an institution shall conduct its out of season conditioning period as follows:
(a) Institutions shall count back nine weeks from the first permissible reporting date for preseason practice. During this nine-week period, institutions shall designate one week as student-athlete discretionary time.

(b) During the remaining eight weeks of the summer conditioning period student-athletes and prospective student-athletes who have signed a National Letter of Intent or, for those institutions not using a National Letter of Intent, a prospective student-athlete who has signed an institution’s written offer of admission and/or financial aid, may be involved in non mandatory weight training and conditioning activities that are conducted by the institution’s strength coach for no more than eight hours per week.

The charity event was scheduled months in advance. Was it really that hard to reschedule the NCAA rule violation to a different time or day?

Michigan State players attended the event in force and were autographing everything in sight including babies.


Go Blue finally claimed that the players "didn't inform [DickRod] about participating in [the event]". Blame the players for the mandatory workout which I'm sure we'll find out wasn't mandatory after they realize they messed up.

It's going to be even easier to root against Michigan this year.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Spicy

The rivalry between Takeru Kobayashi and Joey "Jaws" Chestnut is going international. It didn't take long for Kobayashi to get his revenge against Chestnut after losing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest earlier this month. He won a chicken satay eating contest in Singapore by eating 5 kilos of satay. Jaws finished second with 4 kilos.

“During a contest, I get in a zone where it’s just me and the food,” Kobayashi said after the match, with pea-green chicken sauce splattered all over his black T-shirt. “Sometimes it’s like I’m in a trance.”

The blue-haired, boyish-looking 30-year-old, who took home about US$200,000 in prize money and appearance fees last year, laughed and blushed when asked about his sex symbol status among legions of female fans in his homeland.

“It’s very embarrassing. I don’t think I’m a sex symbol,” Kobayashi said. “But sometimes women send me their clothing.”

Chestnut made excuses but was an honorable loser (if one can find any honor in losing).

“The sauce was sweeter than I expected, and that slowed me,” said Chestnut, who once ate 66 hot-dogs and buns in 12 minutes. “I couldn’t find my rhythm. And Kobayashi is a machine.”

Singapore hosted the contest as "part of a bid to fashion the city-state as a more hip and attractive place to live". Contests of gluttony determine where I live. I'm thinking about moving and my choices are down to Singapore, Coney Island and Wisconsin. Apparently they also determine the ass I get. Ladies, you can find me on the corner of 1st and 1st challenging real homeless people to beef patty eating contests. I'll win. If you don't eat for a long time, your body begins to reject food. They don't know that. I do.

Super Awesome Cool Betting Time, Boss Man!!

Has betting on mainstream sports lost its appeal? Have you found yourself betting on anything and everything just to keep your gambling addiction game tight and appease the god Gamblor? Allow us to introduce you to Japanese Bug Fights.



This is getting closer to my idea for an animal fight tournament similar to the NCAA Basketball Tournament that the Discovery Channel stole and butchered. I'd also take an animal Kumite. I'm not picky.

Why isn't cannonball an Olympic sport?

Crazy Bwana Wants To Shoot Up Africa

Don't accuse Republicans of not caring about the little man. Congressman Duncan Hunter wants to feed some starving refugees but the State Department is cockblocking him.

Hunter's heart ached when he heard about the plight of the refugees from Darfur who were forced to flee to Chad by the big bad Janjaweed. He was determined to do something about it so he got on the horn to the American embassy in N'Djamena and asked if he could come over and feed the refugees. After being told he couldn't hunt Africans Surviving The Game style in order to feed them to other Africans, he asked if he could hunt wildebeest and serve them to the refugees.

The response from Main State:

The embassy "welcomes Congressman Hunter's interest in food assistance to Darfur refugees in Chad. Given the significant" U.S. aid in the world program, the embassy "would encourage the congressman to time his visit to coincide with an already scheduled food distribution."

The embassy will "make the necessary arrangements for" Hunter to watch a food distribution in a camp.

"Regarding the Congressman's desire to hunt wildebeest and distribute the cured meat to refugees, wildebeest are not present in Chad."

"The Government of Chad does not permit the hunting of large mammals."

Never mind the fact that the wildebeest population is decreasing at a rapid rate due to poaching.

The gentleman from California was not having that. He decided to "look at commercial hunting expeditions in Kenya, Tanzania and southern Africa". The refugees should blame the State Department for their malnutrition.

A chimp sidekick would give the congressman carte blanche to shoot some white rhinos and silverbacks. He might want to consider this as he chooses his destination.

Move over, God Shammgod and Long Wang. We have a new contender for best name ever. This one is related to an athlete so we'll let him slide. Meet Queen Quedith Earth Harrison and her brother God Goldin Zig Zag Zig Allah. That's straight up halal.

This is the Greatest Music Video Ever

That is Gorbachov: The music video. I particularly like the part where gladiator Gorbachov shoots the hell out of devil Stalin with his sub-machine gun, then blasts lasers out of his eyes for freedom. Busting out the Cossack dance at the end was just a bonus. This is amazing.

Want to buy one of Derrick Thomas' watches? You can pick up his Rolex on this site. Its got 17 carats of diamonds on it. Bling bling son, bling bling. R.I.P. Derrick.

You Probably Had A Better Weekend Than Wilfred Bouma

Click on the picture for the story behind the unpleasantness.

Deuce Book Review: "Sold Out So What!"

I got an email the other day talking about a book that was supposed to enable anyone to score any tickets to any event no matter if they claim they were sold out. Naturally, I was intrigued, so I asked for a copy of it, read through it in an hour and here's what I think of the book "Max Deale's Sold Out...So What!" by Max Deale.

Right of the bat, I noticed that its a thin read, that could be a good or a bad thing depending on the person. Me, I think its a good thing, because I don't have a ton of time to read books and review them since I have a day job here (Sorry Kenny Mayne). The first couple chapters are a lot of background as to how Max got started scoring tickets to events, which got me to skip ahead pretty quick to how he actually goes about getting tickets to sold out events and from there I indeed found some useful information.

Yea, the tips and tricks Deale lists are actually solid, some of them I've used before (ie: use Craigslist) when I've wanted to score tickets, but his tips were good in telling the reader how to maximize their efforts in ways that you might not have thought of. I could pick out several things I've done wrong when getting tickets to shows that I will now correct the next time I get tickets.

I could probably sum up the book in a few paragraphs because the tips are pretty easy to get a grasp of, but then you'd have no reason to buy the book and thats the point isnt it? I mean its only 15 bucks on Amazon and you'll certainly save that money in ticketmaster fees from the first pair of tickets you purchase for a show.

Overall, there's a bit of filler for a the tips and tricks given but the points that are made in the book are valid and well thought out. You could tell that he has done these many times and they have worked. The style of writing is extremely conversational, kind of like a conversation between you and Billy Mays (you should watch that link) so get used to your book speaking loudly to you. Also, on a side note, Max and I certainly have different tastes in music, I was completely appalled at some of the concerts he tried and got tickets for but that is besides the whole point...which is to tell you how to score tix to sold out shows and the book does succeed in this.

If you are tired of getting the shaft with ticketmaster fees, radio contests to sold out shows you never win, or jacked up resellers prices, give the book a shot. It just might help you out.

(If you want to hear Max on the Radio, he'll be on the Ferrall show on Howard Stern's channel on Sirius on July 31st at 8:30pm EST give a listen if you've got the technology.)

You can get the book at Max Deale's site or Amazon

Face, Sign. Sign, Face

Who Buys This Sh*t? NFL Edition

The NFL season is underway with fans across the nation frothing at the mouth for every last bit of news about their favorite teams, heading out to training camps in the July heat and stocking up on stupid, insane memorabilia that they think proves their loyalty to a team and league which cares only about the money they give them. Which brings me to this...there are some NFL products out there that I know the vast majority of people out there would never buy...ever. I make no apologies for my love (hate) of the Washington Redskins, but that doesn't mean I would buy anything with a logo slapped on it. I have a couple t-shirts, a coffee mug and a jersey for the late Sean Taylor...thats it. Does anyone need more? There is a whole lot of crap out there and we're gonna show you the worst of the NFL merchandise that you can purchase for this upcoming football season:


The NFL $3000 Purse:
I honestly cannot believe I just wrote that but there are three thousand dollar NFL licenced purses that you can buy that feature over 5,300 Swarovski crystals to give them all sorts of bling. My mouth is agape. Although if that purse is too pricey, you can always pick up the $2449 football shaped Swarovski crystal purse. Yes, that is far more practical.

The NFL Office Chair:
I'm not sure what office you work in, but mine does not allow me to spend $400 on an office chair just because it has the team colors and logo of my favorite franchise. While I am sure it's plenty ergonomic, this is just an utter waste of resources here. The office manager would be throwing a fit when I tried to write this off...and by office manager, I mean the woman I live with who would force me to sleep in that chair because I spent $400 on it instead of say, a new comforter set for our bed.
The NFL Boiler:
A fucking boiler? Is there no limit to what the NFL will license it's name out to? Jesus Christ. The last thing I want to think about when I'm cooking up a pot roast is how my team is going to cope with a 2 game losing streak...oh wait, its not even made for cooking! If you look at the description, this is just a glorified copper basket. You're supposed to use it for firewood or to fill with ice for your favorite beverage...for $199. Shit, for 200 bucks, this thing better start the fire, cook me dinner and hand me my favorite beverage.

The NFL "Creepiest Sleeping Bag Ever":
"Ya sure, I'll be in bed in a sec hon, I'ma just gonna to check on lil' Brett...AH JESUS CHRIST! Lil' Brett, what da hell are ya doin' tah your sleeping bag???" Yea this thing isn't creepy. When I have kids, I want them all to cuddle in bed next to their favorite Packer...not named Mark Chmura. As a side joke, the bag is not waterproof, insert your own here.


The NFL Watch:
Personally, I have no hesitation in dropping $1500 on a watch made by a company that I've never heard of, just so long as it has the official NFL seal of approval. That means it's quality right there. Screw Tag or Rolex or Breitling, NFL is tha shit son. Everyone I know will be jealous of my fifteen hundred dollar watch with gold accents (ACCENTS?) and ceramic dial (CERAMIC???) not to mention the diamonds at the 12, 3, 6 and 9 time marks. Oh yea...bling bling son, bling bling.
NFL Pool Chlorinators:
Well this is just logical isn't it?

The NFL "We Don't Support Any Religion But Christianity" Advent Calendar:
Lest thee wonder which religion is the official religion of the NFL, wonder no longer.
The NFL Cufflinks:
When I rock a fine suit, the first thing I want people to see when they see me is what NFL football team I root for. Hell yea! This will be perfect for the next office party.

NFL Autographed Ryan Leaf Photo:
Yea, that was a little mean.

Lancelot Link wouldn't have been suckered by a banana.

Excuse Me While I Get Racialist

Baseball fans and the media can't get enough of Josh Hamilton. There's no question he's having one hell of a season. His performance at the Home Run Derby was nothing short of amazing. The story of his battle against drug addiction has been an inspiration to sports columnists everywhere.

There's another redemption story that could be in the making in Miami. Ricky Williams is in fantastic shape and is looking ready to make a dramatic return to his old form if we're to believe the reports coming out of Miami. Charley Casserly and Bill Parcells are liking what they see on the practice field and Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald can't get over his cartoon muscles.

If Ricky has a blowout season and matches or bests his numbers from his first two seasons, will everyone get just as excited over his accomplishments as they are over Hamilton's? While subbing on PTI, Dan Le Batard claimed that redemption stories about black athletes don't nearly get the same amount of hype as the stories about white players. Dan Shaughnessy dismissed that out of hand and was obviously nervous about touching the subject. Le Batard had a point and was treading pretty close to the truth.

Black athletes are generally treated like McCain when it comes to overcoming personal demons such as drugs and alcohol while white athletes like Hamilton get the Obama treatment. I'm not saying that anything should be taken away from Hamilton and his accomplishments so far. Let's just see if Ricky gets the same amount of praise if he has a great season. That probably won't be the case. If he has a bad season or gets arrested with a Nate Newton-approved amount of weed, it's open season on his ganja smokin' ass.

Speaking of stupid Aussies...

Todd Carney Wants To Know Where His Dogs At

Americans like to think they're the best at everything. We think we're number one and everyone should just recognize and accept it. This is when reality kicks in. It's a bitch sometimes. Europeans wipe their asses with our dollars and Australian athletes continue to run laps around Americans when it comes to drunken debauchery. We have our exceptions like our namesake, Lawrence Phillips and Eddie Griffin but they are few and far between.

Star rugby player Todd Carney is in deep shit...again. This time he's in trouble for tearing up the club and pissing on a friend of teammate Dane Tilse during a post-match drinking marathon. He and teammate Bronx Goodwin, who assaulted two people outside the club, are in so much trouble that they may be cut by their team. They also could be prevented from joining another team by the NRL.

According to a witness at the hotel on Sunday night, Carney and Goodwin were "out of control'' and "on the p... hard'' before the incidents.

Tilse's mate had come from interstate to watch the match, claimed the witness, who works at All Bar Nun. "The guy was in the toilet and Carney has just turned and [pissed] up and down his leg,'' the witness said

Several other Raiders players attempted to calm the situation and apologise, but Carney and Goodwin - who allegedly harassed another patron - were removed by security from the pub about 10.30pm.

The pair apparently then went to the city centre where they attempted to gain access to Canberra Casino but were refused entry. "They were out of control,'' the witness said.

Around midnight, the pair returned to the northern suburbs bar, which was closed, and were told the leave the area by security as people were waiting for taxis.

The witness said Goodwin then lashed out at another reveller who had nothing to do with the Raiders team - allegedly hitting him about five times in the face.

"The guy was hopping in the cab and he (Goodwin) smashed him. They were good hits, I felt sick in the guts, he copped a flogging,'' he said. "Bronx smashed someone for no reason. Carney was being held back by a few of his sponsors.''

The sponsors were "feeding'' Carney drinks and the two players became "too drunk'', the witness said. Neighbours said they heard "barking'' in the street for about 20 minutes before the brawl occurred.

"It was like a real dog barking, but you could tell it was human,'' a neighbour said. Carney was allegedly ejected from the same premises last weekend for "barking'' at women, the witness said.

You hear that, Ray Lewis? Your bark is empty. Carney channels DMX because his bark is strong like drunken dingo.

The Daily Telegraph also notes that this incident is not the first time Carney's gotten into it. Just last year he was involved in a police chase in Canberra. In 2006, he was arrested for drunk driving and had his license suspended for five years. Carney should come over here and try his luck in American football. He has much to offer the Bengals.

Gary's off the hook. John Lydon just took his place as most deserving of a throat slap today.

The Douchebaggery Of Local Newscasters

This is just painful to watch. A former Premier League and Championship player looking to start his retirement in sunny California by playing in the MLS and a clueless buffoon of a sportscaster combine to make one of the most awkward interviews in some time. Here's a lesson for all you aspiring newscasters out there. If you have no idea what you're talking about, it's best to drop the bombast. We don't need another off-brand Willard Scott.



English legend? Greatest goal ever against Manchester? According to the internet, Gary Radnich is a fucking moron. If there's anyone deserving of a throat slap today, it's this assclown. To his credit, Gary does play the stupid American very well. Boom goes the dynamite.

Look Who Loves The Chelsea

This is a step up from these train wrecks.

Sexiest Beer Pong Match You Might Ever See

You might remember when we profiled the Port-O-Pong on the Deuce, if not maybe you should check that link and read our site more often. Anyway, the guys from VAT 19, sellers of Port-O-Pong, have a video out demonstrating their product with a couple of very lovely women...in tight tops...then bikinis. Yes, it just might be the sexist Beer Pong video you have ever seen, despite the mostly lame commentary and obvious shilling for their product (MORE WOMEN, LESS TALK PLEASE) but who cares, I just want them to send me one so I can play...along with both those women.

In any case, check it out, it's a little slow, but the slow motion jumping up and down might just be worth the price of admission...which is free.

It is a great invention though...an inflatable beer pong table solves all sorts of storage issues that come up from trying to keep that gigantic piece of plywood behind the couch with your poker table tops. I want one...

From Vat 19, sellers of Port-O-Pong

USA Track and Field CEO Doug Logan doesn't want President Bush to give Marion Jones free.

Oh My, Lazio's So Gangsta

Lazio's come a long way in the past couple of years. The Italian soccer club finally changed ownership. It finally fielded a black player after the previous owner was threatened by the club's ultras for trying to sign black French international Lilian Thuram. That was in this decade. Best of all, it almost mobbed up.

The Casalesi clain of the Camorra, the Naples version of the Mafia, tried to buy Lazio through third parties. The plan came to light when 10 people including former Lazio player and president Giorgio Chinaglia were served with arrest warrants by police. Chinaglia has been on the lam from the coppers in the US ever since being nailed for market-rigging that was related to the attempted bid for the club.

The police operation was named Broken Wings. We presume the police are big fans of Mr. Mister. Maybe they imitate the dance scenes from the video when they're hiding from the mob in the police station. You got to learn to fly. Learn to live, to love so free, carabinieri.

In other Italy news, this is simply shameful and disgusting.

Back To Q-School

Strangé! Strangé!

Fresh off her disqualification for forgetting to sign her scorecard and seemingly inches away from her first LPGA win, Michelle Wie is dipping into the PGA Tour pool again. She's going to play in the Legends Reno-Tahoe Open next week after receiving a sponsor's exemption.

"It's not every day that a woman is given the opportunity to play on the greatest tour in the world," Wie said in a statement. "This is a tremendous opportunity for me to learn from these great players and take those lessons into the future to becoming the best player I can be on any tour. This is another step in the process of making me a better player."

Anyone can teach her how to sign a scorecard at the end of a round. Far be it from us to tell golfers what tournaments they should play but it seems like winning an actual event would be a better use of her time. She has yet to make a cut in a men's tournament and that can't be doing much for her confidence. She probably has to finish in the top three in her last LPGA tournament to receive a card for 2009 otherwise it's back to qualifying. She's not down with Q-School but her daddy is and what daddy wants...

Since we brought it up, here you is:

Run To The Hazards, Run For Your Lives

Who's the strangest motivational speaker you've ever had? We're not talking about the time Vin Baker came to your school to talk about the dangers or alcohol or Travis Henry talking about parental responsibility. We're talking about the one that just didn't seem to fit. Allow us to offer up the European Ryder Cup Team.

Captain Nick Faldo has signed up Iron Maiden drummer Nicko McBrain as part of his backroom staff for this year's Ryder Cup. McBrain's job will be to motivate the players. Maybe he'll use giant puppets to help convey his message of slaughtering your opponent or how par is the number of the beast.

The Americans have to counter with their own rock guru. We humbly suggest Ronnie Dio, Nikki Sixx (read the Heroin Diaries before you complain - great read and don't know how the hell he's alive) or Henry Rollins (but only from the Black Flag days). Too bad David Coverdale is British. He would be perfect. If all else fails, American captain Paul Azinger should go with Christopher Cross. He's the only one who knows what to do if you get caught between the moon and New York City.


Via Fark

Michigan Fan Is Hot For Jim Tressel

Maybe it's the sweater vests that get it done for Michigan fan John McKay. He likes to stalk Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel wherever he goes under the guise of hating Ohio State.

''I have a history of denigrating Coach Tressel,'' McKay said. ''He cheats everywhere he goes, and he's holier than thou. And he's yet to beat an SEC team. I'm not impressed.''

There's no word on whether Tressel is considering a restraining order or showing McKay his version of the Dirty Horseshoe. For the record, McKay was born and raised in Georgia and went to Georgia for college.

In other Michigan news, Go Blue! has new uniforms and it's national news. The new jerseys include a quote from Bo Schembechler, "Because I couldn't go for three". Oh wait, that was Woody Hayes. Never mind.

Scott Linebrink Doesn't Trust Your Newfangled Medicine

Yao Ming isn't the only one resorting to traditional medicine in order to deal with injuries and ailments. White Sox reliever Scott Linebrink is cheating on the training room with acupuncture and Gua Sha.

"[Acupuncture] hasn't eliminated the migraines, but it has made them more manageable and less frequent," said Linebrink, who personally discovered the ancient Chinese remedy after his signing with the Sox.

"I'll tell you what, it relaxes me more than a massage," he said. "It's a total body thing. I tell [the acupuncturist] what's bothering me [so] he also does the back and shoulders.

Some of you may be unfamiliar with the practice of Gua Sha. It involves "[scraping] shoulder skin to take away stagnant blood and replace it with fresh blood".

"It's not very comfortable and … my back is black and blue," he said. "It looks terrible. The first time I came home my wife said, 'What in the world happened to you. It looks like you got flogged.'

... "If there's something that can speed along the [recovery] process, I'm for it."

Might want to be careful about that. Just ask Andy Pettite.

This Is Real

This is DZNUTS, a cream for your "junk" that was created for Tour De France cyclist Dave Zabriskie...and this ain't no steroid stuff its all natural goodness for your goods. Here's what Dave had to say about using proper protection when riding:

“Proper mainTAINTanance of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”

That emphasis was his not ours. Just the thought of an infected saddle sore makes me whince in agony. I'm thinking Kaz Matsui could've used some of this before his problem became a PROBLEM or maybe not, I've never had the anal fissures myself, but really, could it have hurt? Protect your junk...use DZNUTS!

Get DZNUTS here

Adam Loewen tries to pull a Rick Ankiel. So cliché.

Best. Pictures. Ever.

Leopard taking down a crocodile. It doesn't get much better than this. This picture along with the others was taken at a South African game preserve by Hal Brindley, an American wildlife photographer. The leopard attacked the croc in the water and dragged it onto land where it finished the croc off by suffocating it. See the other pictures here.

How Bad Do You Want It?

How bad do you want to eat and drink all you want while watching minor league baseball? How much would you pay? What would you eat? How about a beetle?

The Madison Mallards held Beetle Eating Night on Thursday. Fans were received free access to the all you can eat and drink area of the stadium if they ate a dead beetle. The offer was only open to the first 250 fans who took up the challenge.

Beetle Eating Night is only the tip of the iceberg. Next Saturday, fans can meet William Hung and "stick around for some intense karaoke!". Hung is followed by the What You Talkin' Bout Tour on August 1 when Gary Coleman shows up "'Eighties' Night". The fun never stops in Madtown.

If you make it to Madison, send us a couple Plazaburgers. There's not much like a Plazaburger with a pint of Point Amber.


** We're not even touching that picture, you perverts.

Jordan Will Make Your Pants Wet

So, the ESPY's just happened and this is about the only interesting story that I could find that came out of the whole event. ESPY host Justin Timberlake recounted the story of his first meeting with Michael Jordan...and his pants got a little wet.

"When I was young... I wanted to be Michael Jordan. It was weird, I heard (Gary Wright song) Dreamweaver in my head when he walked in the room.

"He was like, `Hey man, my kids and I, we're big fans of your music,' and I was like, `That's cool...' Up until the point where he walked away and I realized I had peed a little."

Yea, Mr. Dick In The Box couldn't contain himself when he got near his idol, ole #23. I can sympathize though, when I met my idol, Lancelot Link Secret Chimp i shat my pants and flung it at him. In retaliation of course.

That's When It's Time To Kick Some Back

25
Created by OnePlusYou

Did you ever wonder how many five year olds you could take in a fight? Wonder no longer. The answer awaits you.

Not to be outdone by Rampage Jackson's multiple arrests in one week, DMX goes for number of arrests record.

Brian Westbrook Wants To Get Paid For You

This is a new one. Brian Westbrook wants more money from the Eagles. Who cares? Happens all the time. Right. However he doesn't want more money so he can buy more horses. He thinks he deserves it but he also wants to show all the kids out there that they too can get paid if they work hard.

Westbrook's ... point about his contract is that if the Eagles gave him an extension, it would provide incentive for his teammates.

"Players see you getting compensated and that makes them want to go bust their butt," Westbrook said. "Nobody is going to quit on this team, but if you know you're going to be compensated, you might give that little extra. That's natural."

I think Warrick Dunn might have some competition for the most selfless player in the NFL. Never mind pride, doing your job or free agency. Having a big money guy on your team is just the incentive you need to get out there and be somebody.

"If LaDainian [Tomlinson] got paid $25 million guaranteed in 2003 and now it's 2008, the next person needs to be paid $30 million guaranteed," Westbrook said. "It works its way up. You can't sit here and say, 'I'm as good as LaDainian right now, and I'm getting paid five years after him. . . . So I'll take $15 million.' That doesn't make any sense."

Yeeeeeeah.... Westbrook may be good but he's not quite that good. I don't know LaDanian Tomlinson but sir, you are no LT. However he is the Philadelphia offense. If the Eagles are smart, they'll make Westbrook happy. He may be 29 but he's pretty much all they have. Sorry, Donovan.

Did Money Mayweather Get Knocked The F**k Out?

When Media Takeout reports a story, you know you're going to need at least five more sources before you believe it. I couldn't find a second but I'll go with it anyway. The potential of it being true is too good to pass up. Who's the journalist?

MTO claims that Floyd Mayweather Jr. (aka Money - Language probably NSFW) was knocked out by former sparring partner Edner "Cherry Bomb" Cherry. We're not even going to touch that nickname. A dispute over back pay at a Las Vegas club escalated into a fight that resulted in Money being laid out.

I imagine the fight went down a little something like the following (except the roles were reversed):



If this story is true, Money better get back in the gym and fast. Everyone's going to take him on. I might think about stepping to him in a couple weeks if he's not careful. I'll probably cry after thinking about it but that don't mean I ain't no man.

Please, For The Love Of God, I Like V*gina: The Story Of Brady Quinn, Mike Piazza And Al Reynolds

Poor Brady Quinn. He just can't stop the rain of gay rumors. He certainly does himself no favors when he rocks it like this and this. He finally decided to fight back against The Others since he can't hold himself back.

TMZ has learned that a dating site has been using Brady's image for months in M4M ads.

A rep for the Cleveland Browns tells us Brady had no knowledge of the ad saying, "He was not involved in posting photos."

Brady's lawyer has already taken action and has sent a cease and desist letter to the website today, demanding all photos of him be removed ASAP.

Interesting denial by the Cleveland rep. Brady also claims that he's straight. We can't wait until he holds a press conference to announce his heterosexuality. That always works. Just ask Mike Piazza. Oh wait, what's that about him and Sam Champion? Never mind.

Maybe Brady should take some advice from Al Reynolds. An off the cuff presser isn't the move. You need to go with someone sympathetic like an off-brand entertainment reporter who probably hawks Colonblow on those infomercials you always see after getting home pissy drunk off of Henny and skunk at 4 AM.

If Brady really wants to prove he likes vagina, he should keep taking pictures of himself grabbing packages, leave his picture on the dating site and start answering ads directed to him. A couple dates wouldn't hurt. He might as well even give a couple handjobs just to show how secure he is in his heteronesses. All denials do is make people more suspicious. We don't want a suspicious Kellen Winslow. Our favorite soldier might crash his douche rocket again and no one wants that.

James Ingram Will Let The Macarena Pass Just Once

It's been a couple weeks since Spain won Euro 2008. Keeper Pepe Reina (Liverpool) is probably still waking up in the middle of the night yelling, screaming and scaring the shit out of little kids and old people.

The players and coaches weren't the only ones to get their party on. I don't know what airline the Spanish national team uses but American sports teams need to find an American equivalent. Here's video (via Who Ate All The Pies) of the flight attendants getting down for the team. Just skip to :22 for the PG.



I don't know if I can accept this or any Macarena. They just don't seem like they really mean it. In the words of Ice Cube, "I can do it, put your ass into it". We need a dirty, grimy, freak nasty strip club version. Then again can the Macarena ever be sexy? I just don't see it.

I do know one thing. These troopers put those mom shorts-wearing Southwest flight attendants to shame in spite of their half-ass Macarenain'.

Even Slaves Don't Want What Paris Hilton Is Selling

If you want to know what reparations can do, just follow Cristian Ronaldo. Slave du jour Ronaldo is a man about town. He keeps his pimp limp strong even when he's on crutches. He may an idiot and douchebag when it comes to handling his transfer to Real Madrid but even he's smart enough to avoid the walking STD that is Paris Hilton.

Ronaldo was accosted by Hilton at Villa on Wednesday night. He recently broke up with Nereida Gallardo whose pictures you couldn't have avoided if you tried over the past month. Lady Herpes made for him like Don Vito on an underage girl.

A source said: 'Paris was all over him. The moment he arrived, she went over to his private table.

'At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him.

'But Ronaldo clearly wasn't interested in Paris. He turned his back on her.'

What's your sign? Stop sign, muthafucka! I'm not sure what the soccer equivalent of the Heisman is called but this has to be it. He probably saw the flies hovering around her nether regions and recoiled in horror.

Maybe he's smarter than he lets on. Getting with Paris would definitely drop his transfer value. Who knows how many weeks he would spend out of action thanks to an STD cocktail that rivals a komodo dragon's saliva? Too bad Eric Djemba Djemba wasn't around to clean up the mess. He could use the money.