This isn't sports-related but it's well worth the watch. Wynton Marsalis and Wycliffe Gordon have a jazz duel from their windows. Wynton does a lot for jazz education and promotion but I'm not the biggest Wynton fan when it comes to his music. However this is pretty damn cool.



Don't worry. We'll go back to lowbrowing it.

The Fridge Ain't No Joke

Maryland Terps coach Ralph Friedgen makes players line up at the buffett table according to GPA when on the road. "Maybe sitting in the omelet line for 30minutes will motivate them to go to class a little more."

How about making them eat different food according to their GPA? The ones with the highest GPAs eat the regular food. The ones with the lower GPAs have to eat gruel or some other nondescript, bland energy providing meal. Maybe he could limit the amount of food served so the low GPAers get nothing.

Let's hope no one on the team has a learning disability or is hiding literacy problems like Dexter Manley. Drawing a line in the sand like this has to make the Fridge one of the most feared coaches in the ACC. What does he do for "team rule" violations? Make them go to bed an hour earlier or shower last? Bobby Bowden spits in your general direction. "Boys will be boys, Fridge."

Prince Fielder Falling Off The Meat Wagon

The Prince Fielder is recognizable for its barrel-shaped torso, enormous mouth and teeth, hairless body, stubby legs and tremendous size. It is similar in size to the White Rhinoceros; only elephants are consistently heavier. Despite its stocky shape and short legs, it can easily outrun a human. Prince Fielders have been clocked at 30 mph (48 km/h) while running short distances, faster than an Olympic sprinter. The Prince Fielder is regarded to be Milwaukee's most dangerous player, and is among the most aggressive players in the world.

We've also heard the rumors about Prince Fielder being a vegetarian. Come on, dawg. You really believe that? Random Video Musings brings us some video evidence to the contrary.



It looked as though Prince was about to tenderize Manny Parra in the dugout. Prince expended a great deal of energy diving for that ball. Lettuce and sprouts ain't gonna get that back. Maybe he was doing CC Sabathia a solid but that was a look of rageful hunger on his face. Prince Fielders may or may not be vegetarians but they are also quite deadly. Let this be a lesson to everyone especially the sausage racers.

Fall off a overpass and break your back? That's a taserin'.

Brentwood Academy: Where You Can Beat The S**t Out Of Life's Problems

It's been a long time since parents and their children could sit down together and watch a movie that gives kids knowledge for life from upstanding citizens. A movie that teaches them about trust, loyalty, mercy, compassion and respect for your fellow man. Kimbo Slice and Hulk Hogan are coming to the rescue with a movie that even batshit crazy Kirk Cameron would give four Holy Grails.

Slice and Thunderlips are joining forces and starring in a "hilarious kids comedy" called "Kung Fu U" in 3D. How is an unmade movie hilarious?

"Kung Fu U" in 3D is a Disney-type comedy about of a bunch of nerds and misfits that are sent away by their wealthy parents to the Brentwood Academy (a.k.a. Kung Fu U) to learn the finer arts of self-defense. It's a heart-warming romp where the rather weathered warriors come to the rescue for the kids, and in turn, the kids rescue the warriors' seemingly lost souls from what had been their eternal apathy. It's a feel-good story that reminds us that we're all the same, no matter what our age, or where we came from, and that we should all stick together.

No doubt hilarity will ensue from the opening credits! Kimbo can teach the kids about showing mercy and compassion (profanity in video).

The little Hulkamanics will also learn that bad things happen to people because they deserve it. Lessons from Jebus if you will. Learn about sticking together and fucking your daughter's best friend who happens to look like your daughter. What's someone else's is yours. It's family! You could always pull the Bill Clinton and go for the closest thing. That's being resourceful. Ramming speed! It doesn't matter cause we're all the same no matter what our age!

There's no word on whether Lawrence Phillips, Brett Myers and OJ will be guest lecturers at Brentwood Academy.

Vince Carter can't get it done at the club either.

Bullfighting Is Played Out Like Kwamé And Them Polka Dots

The Bull Jumpers - Watch more free videos

Running with the bulls? Kid's play. Bullfighting? Amateur night. We'll see you bull jumping. Let's see your cojones now, pendejo.

Wayne Rooney's WAG thinks she's a celebrity in her own right. George Clooney's ex says the same thing. Someone needs to check these chickenheads and fast.

What I Had Meant To Say Was...

"I keep my confidence on myself. I believe you make your own destination." (Tu fallas.)

Remember all that talk from Manny about not caring where he was traded even if it was to Iraq? Yeah, check that. It was all a front.

The Boston Globe reported that Manny was trying to make some moves on the DL to keep himself in Boston while talking shit to the press about the team and his apathy towards his situation.

Of all the Manny moments in Boston, the last ranks as one of the most confounding. Within an hour after Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein informed Manny Ramírez he had been traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers Thursday, Ramírez's agent, Scott Boras, called the Sox back, according to a source with direct knowledge of the negotiations. If the Sox dropped the option years on his contract - which they had agreed to do if they traded him - Boras said Ramírez would not be a problem the rest of the season.

For the Sox, the source said, Ramírez's pledge of good behavior only served as a tacit admission that his disruptive conduct of the last couple of weeks had been calculated, and they had had good cause to suspect more was in the offing if they did not trade him. The Sox told him thanks but no thanks, what was done was done, and pack plenty of sunscreen.

It took a call from Boras for the Sawx to realize that Manny's behavior was calculated? Maybe we give Boy Wonder and Stat Man too much credit. Of course his behavior was calculated. It appeared to be clear to everyone except Manny and Boras that enough was enough and he had to go. Did they think Epstein and Co. were bluffing during talks with Florida, Philly and other teams? Did he think that he would be allowed to walk at the end of the season as a free agent especially in light of his behavior? Jim Bowden would have let him walk for a rusty bucket of dicey clams and diabetes but there was small chance of Boston letting him get away for nothing.

The trade that resulted in the acquisition of Jason Bay from the Pirates seems to have gone over well in the clubhouse.

David Ortiz: “Things got to the point where they had to do something - and they did. They’re happy, Manny’s happy. I’m going to miss my man, I’m not going to lie to you, but we’re looking forward. The team needed it.”

Jason Varitek: “Things escalated to degrees where something had to be done either way. …Either way, I think it’s a relief that there’s closure to something that’s been going on for the last week or 10 days. I’m just relieved there’s an actual solution, which there was going to be, regardless, on this day.”

Jonathan Papelbon: “From the front-office standpoint, I feel like this did have to happen. Sometimes you make decisions, regardless of whether you got a worse player or better player out of that deal - it makes your team as a whole better. I think that’s what their decisions was based on, that feeling of camaraderie and 25 guys playing for the same goal.”

Mike Lowell: “I think (Ramirez’ constant griping) had a big impact on people in upper management because there are important decisions to be made in the next couple of years.”

Let's see how Joe Torre and Sawx West deals with his antics when they start. I suspect he'll have a much shorter leash.


** Expected Denial Update ** - Boras called the report "completely inaccurate". “'I never called them back (after the trade).'”

While Boras declined to address specifics, he did acknowledge the Red Sox and Ramirez discussed an array of solutions before the three-way deal that brought Jason Bay to Boston. One source confirmed the possible outcomes included Ramirez remaining with the club if the Sox formally declined to exercise the player’s $ 20 million option for 2009 following this season, an alternative organization decided against largely because it deemed the player untrustworthy.

I assume Boras meant he brought up the option and the team laughed until they pissed themselves.

"Oh for the love of God, somebody get the jaws of life!" The Ravens are dropping like flies. Son of a bitch. At this rate, mascots Edgar Allen and Poe will be starting on the O-Line during week 1.

When Putting On A Clinic Goes Wrong

Not to take anything away from Nicolas Anelka who scored four goals against AC Milan in the Railway Cup this past weekend but his job wasn't too difficult. There are numerous examples of the proper way to play goal and defend. Then there are examples of everything you shouldn't do in either position. AC Milan decided to roll with the latter.



Happy Uncle Roman. That's what I want to see.

Old Hotness: Gulag Life.

Pour out a little liquor** for Alexander Solzhenitsyn. The inspiration for Mr. Thug Life 2Pac passed away from heart failure today at age 89.

** Radio edit for you working stiffs.

I Don't Know Jake Brown But You Are No Jake Brown

You might remember skateboarder Danny Way from jumping the Great Wall of China. He tried to do a Big Air impression of Jake Brown at this year's X Games. You might remember Mr. Brown from last year's X Games where he tried to show off by blowing his shoes off his feet after falling four stories.



Fail.

The announcers talked about having the "best medical staff in the business" after Brown's fall. However in his and Way's cases, the staff walked them off the ramp. My name means doctor so I know a little bit about this. That just doesn't seem right. The extent of their injuries are unknown at the time so why would they risk further injury by making them walk it off? The medics were probably in the locker rooms rubbing 'Tussin all over their wounds and talking about windows to weight gain.

What's with rubbing his chest? Talk about taking advantage of someone when they're vulnerable. "This is my chance, dude. I gotta take it."

Brown ended up with liver and lung bruising, vertebrae stress fractures and a fractured hand. Way managed to escape with ligament damage in his right knee, ankle and shoulder in addition to abrasions. Damn lucky considering how both could have turned out.

Black kids are better at soccer because they're "physically stronger" and "lazy white boys are missing out on football’s big time because they do not have the stamina of black children or play enough with their friends"?

Invisible Chinese Wrestling Rocks

This is a concept that I cannot believe Vince McMahon has not used in a match yet. Invisible man vs. actual wrestler. Its Zhao Yun Zilong vs. the invisible Misutero...basically he's wrestling himself. Just brilliant.

Break Up The Nationals Please!

So now that the trade deadline has passed, I figure I'm going to take a second to go off on a rant about my favorite team (20 game plan holder since season 1) the Washington Nationals. Here we go...

<rant>

I hate my team. I really, really hate them. Now, don't go calling me a fairweather Nats fan, I'm not going off the bandwagon, I understand that you have to go through the bad times to get to the good, I really do. I'm a Wizards/Bullets fan, I'm a Capitals fan, I know a thing about sucking before you see the promised land (in those 2 teams cases, I've never actually seen the promise land but that's a different story). I'm a Redskins fan for crying out loud, it was great when we won, but since 1991 we have lost more games than we've won. Trust me when I say I know about sticking with your team through thick and thin. But when you see your team being run into the ground during the thin times, how can a true fan just sit by and say nothing?

Well, for me right now, this might be the thinnest of times I've ever seen and it is painful to watch and I am having a hard time understanding why I am paying Major League Baseball money for a team that doesn't seem to be meeting many of the standards set by every other team in the league for professional play. This team was set up to fail miserably this season and we're supposed to still just be happy we've got baseball in DC? Where is the progress of "THE PLAN" that is supposedly in place? What reason do we have for this blind faith the team is asking of the fans? For those of you who don't know, this is what we've got going on here in DC.

• Our major league team is really just a collection of AAAA players with a smattering of young talent that is long on potential but short on realizing it anytime soon and even if they reach the potential they have we have maybe 3 people that could be difference makers on a championship team (Elijah Dukes, Ryan Zimmerman and Jesus Flores).
  
• A pitching staff that used to be washed up veterans but now is a collection of mostly young starters that wouldn't be any higher than the #4 starter on any other team at best.
• A minor league system that was in ruins and is now slowly getting stocked with players, yet no other team in the league seems to agree with the Nationals' assessment of how good those players are and none of them are projecting out to be a major impact bat or arm at this point.
• An owner with a reputation of being a cheapskate and with his recent legal actions against the city that gave him a stadium for free and not paying a single day's cent of rent for the stadium yet, one cannot automatically discount it. Also, where is that #1 draft pick signing?
• A team president in that asks his followers to believe in the Plan. He asks for patience and faith and time but in return he gives the fans...um...I'm not sure. A pretty crappy ballpark that gauges its fanbase for a product that is by all accounts substandard. I do know we are severely lacking in bobblehead giveaway nights as well...I want my bobbleheads!
  
• A GM with an unfathomable love for "toolsy" outfielders and ex-Cincinatti Reds players who never perform up to the potential he seems to think they all still have. Nice job giving up Juan Rivera chief.
  
• The front office assistants and scouts are mostly from Arizona and have been slowly accumulating as many Diamondback minor leaguers as they can, which is eerily reminiscent of the aforementioned GM and not entirely horrible on the face since the Diamondbacks have a pretty good farm system. Sadly the last 2 acquisitions will not do anything to help the Nationals severe lack of offense but should provide some spectacular middle infield defense.
• A manager that should part time as a motivational speaker with the amount of positive thinking cliches he spouts...but he's not the problem, if he weren't there keeping this collection of misfits together we'd have anarchy in the clubhouse. Viva le Manny!
  
• A hitting coach that seems to be doing WAY more harm than he ever has good and appears to have no idea how to tell someone to take the 1st pitch. TAKE THE DAMN FIRST PITCH! DON'T SWING IN A 3-0 COUNT! STOP "TRYING" TO HIT HOME RUNS! Is it that hard?
• The Nationals might just have the worst third base coach in the history of third base coaches.
  
• An amazing pitching coach...sign him FOREVER.
• A stadium that is new and nice but bland as hell and like most new ballparks quite pricey to attend. This would not be a problem except we are being asked to pay this money to watch garbage. Pure garbage.
  
• A television contract the team cannot control that has them with just 40 HD games on a network that no one can find and only 9,000 viewers for each game on tv in one of the best television markets in baseball. On the bright side, the owners get 25 million dollars for doing absolutely nothing about the situation. Way to help out the fans guys.
  

So...as you can see, I am not happy. Now, I knew going into this season that it wasn't going to be pretty, but I expected to see the same plucky group of characters that had defied expectations every single year they've been in town. Those teams finished up with a bad but not ugly record but watching them play was actually fun. It was fun because they had major league ball players playing like a pro team should. They had strong at bats, they got on base, they scored runs, they pitched...well they didn't pitch great, but if they had a lead they'd do their damnest to keep it, they ran the bases smart, they played solid defense. Basically, they played the game the way it should be played. This team does all these things at some points, but never all at once. They might get 1 or 2 things right in one game and that makes it miserable product to watch.

I have a 20 game plan for this season, like I have had for every season the team has been in town, but this year I may have attended 3 games so far. Why is that? Well for starters, I hate my seats. My group got screwed in our seat change for the new stadium. I hate our seats. I have sat in my seats once and it wasn't even for a full game. I hate our seats. I stand in the Beer Pen in the outfield because it is less cramped than our seats (yes RFK had better seats) and I get a better view of the pitcher and batter. I HATE our seats. Ok...there is that but the real problem is I cannot get excited for this team.

I am a knowledgeable enough baseball fan and I know the Nationals have no chance of winning a game unless the stars align just right, which doesn't happen often. About 2 out of 3 times it doesn't happen. This is a major league product? Who wants to go to the stadium, sit in cramped seats, move to a standing room only section and stand for most the game, pay out the nose for food and beer, sit around a bunch of fans of the opposing team who are happy and cheering their team because their team is winning and my team is losing and more than likely getting shut out while playing an abortion of major league ball. The team thinks so little of its fans it says "oh they're just young" to brush aside the ugly play on the field but lately our starting lineups have average 28 years in age. They are not young, they are just bad and there is no excuse for any of it other than these players should not be playing professional baseball together.

Again, you can call me fairweather, but that would be wrong. I'm not rooting for any other team, I will stick by the Nationals but I just really hate them right now and it pains me to watch them be this bad. They are already looking towards next year and so am I. I am waiting for next season when the players are healthy, when the players start working the pitch count, when we run out ground balls, when we throw out would be base-stealers, when we have a team batting average that is over .241, when we slug over .360 and when we have an OBP over .314, when we play baseball like a major league team instead of a minor league team. Will any of that happen? Probably not with the talent we have ready to come up from the minors and certainly not with the team we have this year.

Why are the fans asked to pay major league prices for this product? I was planning on going to the stadium on Friday to watch a game and if I could ask the team president, Stan Kasten, that question I would, but except for the fact that I have already purchased a ticket, what is the point? The team has given up on the year, why can't I?

</rant>

Air Racing > Ground Racing

This might just be the coolest thing I've seen all year. Auto racing is for wimps, rocket racing is for real men. The Rocket Racing League yesterday displayed its prototype "formula one" rocket powered aircraft that will be the vehicle the league will use to run its races. That is freakin cool.

How does one race rocket planes you ask? Well the planes will fly through a three dimensional course that shows up in the HUD (heads up display) of the pilots, and i assume on monitors for people on the ground. Think of it like that old nintendo video game Star Fox, only in real life...and without the dumbass animals talking to you the whole time.

If you want to watch an example of the racing, watch this video

Its about time that someone does something cool like this. I have never gotten into NASCAR or INDY or F1 racing at all, seemed too boring to me watching cars go around circles or closed loops, but this...this is different. It could be like watching a race scene out of a bad star wars movie in real life, only much better because that bastard Jar Jar Binks isn't shucking and jiving all over the place. The only question is, which ESPN channel with this be on...or has Versus found something else to add to its programming besides the NHL?

Originally found via Space.com

Deco: The Definition Of A Dog

Think you're a player? Have you gotten your mistress pregnant while your first wife was expecting your third son? Did you divorce the first wife then marry the mistress only to divorce her after being busted taking part in an orgy with prostitutes while on a trip? Didn't think so.

That's how new Chelsea signing Deco gets down. If "40 Condom" Robinho joins him from Real, the women of London better bring lunches to the Bridge. It could be a long season.

The Detroit Pistons have no interest in winning the next two seasons. Hopefully they have cases of French dressing on hand.

Billy Ocean Would Be Disappointed in Bobby Petrino

"White power, white power!"

Somehow I don't think Billy Ocean meant for people to take him literally when he said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." If that were the case with "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car"**, Chester the Child Molester would be using that song as his script when cruising in his cargo van at 2:30 PM Monday through Friday.

Petrino took to the podium during SEC media days and gave excuses so good that Nick Saban might have shed a tear if he had anything but coal and greed in his heart. When asked about his new job as Razorback head coach and his departure from the Falcons, the b.s. started to flow like the runs.

"Yeah [the Falcons situation] was [the most difficult time he endured as a coach]," he said. "It was a trying situation. But everybody there worked as hard as they could to do the best job they could. ... The whole situation, the timing was bad, no question. With the Falcons, and with Arkansas, it was really the only way it could play out."

Three games left in the season. Oh I don't know. Maybe he could have finished the season then resigned to pull a Rodney Dangerfield. Maybe he could have addressed his team and the organization face to face instead of sneaking out like a Mayflower truck (not that I'm still bitter about the Colts or anything). Maybe he could have been straight up with owner Arthur Blank instead of lying to his face.

In Atlanta, Petrino found himself handcuffed by the dog-fighting controversy that surrounded quarterback Michael Vick. He said one the primary attractions of joining the Falcons was the opportunity [to] coach Vick.

After Vick was suspended by the league and eventually sentenced to federal prison, Petrino said much of the attraction was gone.

"They had a quarterback at that time that I thought could be real special, so that played a lot into it," he said. "But, you know, it was a difficult season. You always try to look back and really try to reflect on what I could have done better here and what we could have done better."

Billy Ocean says Petrino is very bad man. At least that's what I think he would say. I imagine he sounds like Jar Jar Binks or Screwface when he talks unless he fakes it like Lennox Lewis.

Arkansas must be pleased to know that when things get hard, Coach Bobby will have one foot out the door. I can understand wanting to run away from the worst QB in NFL history but the city and rest of the team had no choice. Do players and fans need to worry about his commitment if they hit a rough patch or lose some of their top players to injury, arrest or ineligibility?

I can't wait until his press conference in the fall of 2009 when he takes the Valley High job. "I love high school football. I was asked earlier what it is I like about high school football. And really the answer is everything."


** You can't tell me that "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" isn't a stalker anthem. Listen to the lyrics and don't be distracted by the awesome animation and choreography. Every Breath You Take and Invisible could also be included on a compilation album. "Is that Stalker Rock? Well turn it up!"

Did I just admit I know a Clay Aiken song? Shit, it must be the Malibu talking. Wait, I swear someone just told me as I was writing this. I thought it was Nick Lachey. That's better? Right? Please tell me I'm not a douchebag ... Hello?

Stab someone 133 times and use their head as a bowling ball? That's a paddlin'.

Robbie Keane Does More Than Kick The Ball

Damn. Liverpool actually made another good signing. Hopes that last year's signing of striker Fernando Torres was like a pig finding a truffle went out the window with today's £20.3 million signing of striker Robbie Keane from Spurs. Grudgingly, I admit that this is a great capture for the fat Spanish waiter. However it's not just because of his abilities on the field.



If Keane was around during the Craig Bellamy era, there wouldn't have been unplanned golfing events and Liverpool might have been in Moscow instead of Chelsea. Then again he couldn't have stopped Riise's defection to Chelsea. Phil "Big Nose" Thompson knows.

The Koreans just jacked it**. The Chinese aren't going to leave Olympic gold to the judges. They're all about the subterfuge.


** If you don't want to watch the whole fight, here's a History Channel synopsis of the controversy.

Sleep Well, Flight Attendants

The scourge of the skies will harass you no longer thanks to some sweet ass American justice. Veteran flight attendants will tell trainees the story of David Cornacchia to scare the shit out of them. Kind of like how people scare Robin Williams with stories about bathing. Too dated?

Cornacchia, a hockey player for the ECHL Florida Everblades, was a terror on minor league ice as well as in the sky. He was sentenced to one year and one day in federal prison in addition to other penalties such as a fine and mandatory anger management and substance abuse programs. What brought this on? Going apeshit on a flight from Toronto to Dallas in late December 2007. Mr. Prosecutor?

“Several times requested more alcohol ... slapped male flight attendant with open hand ... put in plastic restraints ... exposed genitals in an apparent attempt to urinate ... head-butted the assisting passenger ... captain requested emergency approach to Dallas-Fort Worth airport.”

The judge was horrified by the incident and agreed with the prosecution that the sentencing guidelines should be changed from the recommended six months or less to 18-24 months.

Cornacchia was given a chance to speak before his sentencing.

“At no time during that flight did I mean to hurt anybody ... I harmed mostly myself, obviously,” Cornacchia said. “I haven’t been drinkin’ for seven months here, and I just want to move on with my life and try to keep playing hockey.”

No whistle, no penalty? The slap and headbutt are minors at the very least, homey. Remorse like that shouldn't be kept behind bars. Give him free like that guy from Amistad.

The soon-to-be Cornholio's incarceration leaves the Everblades with seven players. Don't wait up for that line change, boys. You got as much chance of that as Dave Coulier does of being funny.

I've been stuck watching old school videos on YouTube. What the hell ever happened to Hayden from the East Coast Family (:46)? I saw someone referred to him as "the singing version of Bubba Sparxx". I'll go with that.

Where's Your Messiah Now?

He's in Michigan, Chief. Michigan fans and some neutrals refer to Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez as RichRod while people from West Virginia and East Lansing prefer DickRod. At the risk of enraging Bucktown Skins Fan, we're going to go with DickRod. I'm not sure if he's at the Petrino-Saban level but he's pretty close.

If it were up to Rodriguez, he would probably say he'd like to be called Coach Messiah or RichGod. He recently had "the apostles" over to his house for a little bonding session.

“I had a handful of players that we call ‘the apostles’. It is a group of guys that the players pick as their leaders, some from each class … we always do that in the summer. I will meet them every week and we talk about issues and things that they would like to see and all that. It is really a kind of communication not that you have to be one of those guys to talk to me, but those guys are kind of the voice of players on certain things.

The apostles aren't supposed to be a religious thing.

"It's not in biblical nature," Rodriguez said. "The definition of an apostle is one that leads a new way. I'm not looking for them to change the world. That's a description of it. ... I don't want anybody to take it the wrong way."

"Since I was at West Virginia," he said. "I had a version of it, too, at the small school, Glenville State. I've always had a group of leaders that I let the players pick. We had a lot of fun with it. Sometimes it's as simple as picking pregame music or that kind of thing. It's not like they're making major decisions. They're not going to say, 'Coach, we're going to run the wishbone this week.' They're making suggestions, not decisions."

The word apostle can mean one who pioneers an important reform movement, cause of belief. Those don't sound like apostle-like activities. What exactly is the reform, cause or belief that makes the chosen players apostles? Shouldn't Rich/DickRod lead by example since he is the head of the Church of Blue? If we had to guess, it would gimme the money or fuck the kids.

Players were not allowed to participate the annual Heroes for Kids benefit last Wednesday. The benefit "raises money for Saginaw youth recreation". The team used the excuse of a mandatory strength and conditioning workout.

"It's a big disappointment for all of us," [Event Director Larry] Preston said. "The (U-M) players always have said how much they enjoy Heroes For Kids, and the strength and conditioning coach (Mike Barwis) said he wants to work with us on this next year.

"But this workout is mandatory, and all players must attend. It's coach Rod's call on that. This is his first year (at U-M), and he's doing everything he can to make sure his team is successful."

Doing everything like not even waiting until the season starts to start violating NCAA rules?

(2) Summer Conditioning Period. [FBS/FCS]
In football, between the start of summer conditioning and the start of preseason practice period, an institution shall conduct its out of season conditioning period as follows:
(a) Institutions shall count back nine weeks from the first permissible reporting date for preseason practice. During this nine-week period, institutions shall designate one week as student-athlete discretionary time.

(b) During the remaining eight weeks of the summer conditioning period student-athletes and prospective student-athletes who have signed a National Letter of Intent or, for those institutions not using a National Letter of Intent, a prospective student-athlete who has signed an institution’s written offer of admission and/or financial aid, may be involved in non mandatory weight training and conditioning activities that are conducted by the institution’s strength coach for no more than eight hours per week.

The charity event was scheduled months in advance. Was it really that hard to reschedule the NCAA rule violation to a different time or day?

Michigan State players attended the event in force and were autographing everything in sight including babies.


Go Blue finally claimed that the players "didn't inform [DickRod] about participating in [the event]". Blame the players for the mandatory workout which I'm sure we'll find out wasn't mandatory after they realize they messed up.

It's going to be even easier to root against Michigan this year.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Spicy

The rivalry between Takeru Kobayashi and Joey "Jaws" Chestnut is going international. It didn't take long for Kobayashi to get his revenge against Chestnut after losing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest earlier this month. He won a chicken satay eating contest in Singapore by eating 5 kilos of satay. Jaws finished second with 4 kilos.

“During a contest, I get in a zone where it’s just me and the food,” Kobayashi said after the match, with pea-green chicken sauce splattered all over his black T-shirt. “Sometimes it’s like I’m in a trance.”

The blue-haired, boyish-looking 30-year-old, who took home about US$200,000 in prize money and appearance fees last year, laughed and blushed when asked about his sex symbol status among legions of female fans in his homeland.

“It’s very embarrassing. I don’t think I’m a sex symbol,” Kobayashi said. “But sometimes women send me their clothing.”

Chestnut made excuses but was an honorable loser (if one can find any honor in losing).

“The sauce was sweeter than I expected, and that slowed me,” said Chestnut, who once ate 66 hot-dogs and buns in 12 minutes. “I couldn’t find my rhythm. And Kobayashi is a machine.”

Singapore hosted the contest as "part of a bid to fashion the city-state as a more hip and attractive place to live". Contests of gluttony determine where I live. I'm thinking about moving and my choices are down to Singapore, Coney Island and Wisconsin. Apparently they also determine the ass I get. Ladies, you can find me on the corner of 1st and 1st challenging real homeless people to beef patty eating contests. I'll win. If you don't eat for a long time, your body begins to reject food. They don't know that. I do.

Super Awesome Cool Betting Time, Boss Man!!

Has betting on mainstream sports lost its appeal? Have you found yourself betting on anything and everything just to keep your gambling addiction game tight and appease the god Gamblor? Allow us to introduce you to Japanese Bug Fights.



This is getting closer to my idea for an animal fight tournament similar to the NCAA Basketball Tournament that the Discovery Channel stole and butchered. I'd also take an animal Kumite. I'm not picky.

Why isn't cannonball an Olympic sport?

Crazy Bwana Wants To Shoot Up Africa

Don't accuse Republicans of not caring about the little man. Congressman Duncan Hunter wants to feed some starving refugees but the State Department is cockblocking him.

Hunter's heart ached when he heard about the plight of the refugees from Darfur who were forced to flee to Chad by the big bad Janjaweed. He was determined to do something about it so he got on the horn to the American embassy in N'Djamena and asked if he could come over and feed the refugees. After being told he couldn't hunt Africans Surviving The Game style in order to feed them to other Africans, he asked if he could hunt wildebeest and serve them to the refugees.

The response from Main State:

The embassy "welcomes Congressman Hunter's interest in food assistance to Darfur refugees in Chad. Given the significant" U.S. aid in the world program, the embassy "would encourage the congressman to time his visit to coincide with an already scheduled food distribution."

The embassy will "make the necessary arrangements for" Hunter to watch a food distribution in a camp.

"Regarding the Congressman's desire to hunt wildebeest and distribute the cured meat to refugees, wildebeest are not present in Chad."

"The Government of Chad does not permit the hunting of large mammals."

Never mind the fact that the wildebeest population is decreasing at a rapid rate due to poaching.

The gentleman from California was not having that. He decided to "look at commercial hunting expeditions in Kenya, Tanzania and southern Africa". The refugees should blame the State Department for their malnutrition.

A chimp sidekick would give the congressman carte blanche to shoot some white rhinos and silverbacks. He might want to consider this as he chooses his destination.

Move over, God Shammgod and Long Wang. We have a new contender for best name ever. This one is related to an athlete so we'll let him slide. Meet Queen Quedith Earth Harrison and her brother God Goldin Zig Zag Zig Allah. That's straight up halal.

This is the Greatest Music Video Ever

That is Gorbachov: The music video. I particularly like the part where gladiator Gorbachov shoots the hell out of devil Stalin with his sub-machine gun, then blasts lasers out of his eyes for freedom. Busting out the Cossack dance at the end was just a bonus. This is amazing.

Want to buy one of Derrick Thomas' watches? You can pick up his Rolex on this site. Its got 17 carats of diamonds on it. Bling bling son, bling bling. R.I.P. Derrick.

You Probably Had A Better Weekend Than Wilfred Bouma

Click on the picture for the story behind the unpleasantness.

Deuce Book Review: "Sold Out So What!"

I got an email the other day talking about a book that was supposed to enable anyone to score any tickets to any event no matter if they claim they were sold out. Naturally, I was intrigued, so I asked for a copy of it, read through it in an hour and here's what I think of the book "Max Deale's Sold Out...So What!" by Max Deale.

Right of the bat, I noticed that its a thin read, that could be a good or a bad thing depending on the person. Me, I think its a good thing, because I don't have a ton of time to read books and review them since I have a day job here (Sorry Kenny Mayne). The first couple chapters are a lot of background as to how Max got started scoring tickets to events, which got me to skip ahead pretty quick to how he actually goes about getting tickets to sold out events and from there I indeed found some useful information.

Yea, the tips and tricks Deale lists are actually solid, some of them I've used before (ie: use Craigslist) when I've wanted to score tickets, but his tips were good in telling the reader how to maximize their efforts in ways that you might not have thought of. I could pick out several things I've done wrong when getting tickets to shows that I will now correct the next time I get tickets.

I could probably sum up the book in a few paragraphs because the tips are pretty easy to get a grasp of, but then you'd have no reason to buy the book and thats the point isnt it? I mean its only 15 bucks on Amazon and you'll certainly save that money in ticketmaster fees from the first pair of tickets you purchase for a show.

Overall, there's a bit of filler for a the tips and tricks given but the points that are made in the book are valid and well thought out. You could tell that he has done these many times and they have worked. The style of writing is extremely conversational, kind of like a conversation between you and Billy Mays (you should watch that link) so get used to your book speaking loudly to you. Also, on a side note, Max and I certainly have different tastes in music, I was completely appalled at some of the concerts he tried and got tickets for but that is besides the whole point...which is to tell you how to score tix to sold out shows and the book does succeed in this.

If you are tired of getting the shaft with ticketmaster fees, radio contests to sold out shows you never win, or jacked up resellers prices, give the book a shot. It just might help you out.

(If you want to hear Max on the Radio, he'll be on the Ferrall show on Howard Stern's channel on Sirius on July 31st at 8:30pm EST give a listen if you've got the technology.)

You can get the book at Max Deale's site or Amazon

Face, Sign. Sign, Face

Who Buys This Sh*t? NFL Edition

The NFL season is underway with fans across the nation frothing at the mouth for every last bit of news about their favorite teams, heading out to training camps in the July heat and stocking up on stupid, insane memorabilia that they think proves their loyalty to a team and league which cares only about the money they give them. Which brings me to this...there are some NFL products out there that I know the vast majority of people out there would never buy...ever. I make no apologies for my love (hate) of the Washington Redskins, but that doesn't mean I would buy anything with a logo slapped on it. I have a couple t-shirts, a coffee mug and a jersey for the late Sean Taylor...thats it. Does anyone need more? There is a whole lot of crap out there and we're gonna show you the worst of the NFL merchandise that you can purchase for this upcoming football season:


The NFL $3000 Purse:
I honestly cannot believe I just wrote that but there are three thousand dollar NFL licenced purses that you can buy that feature over 5,300 Swarovski crystals to give them all sorts of bling. My mouth is agape. Although if that purse is too pricey, you can always pick up the $2449 football shaped Swarovski crystal purse. Yes, that is far more practical.

The NFL Office Chair:
I'm not sure what office you work in, but mine does not allow me to spend $400 on an office chair just because it has the team colors and logo of my favorite franchise. While I am sure it's plenty ergonomic, this is just an utter waste of resources here. The office manager would be throwing a fit when I tried to write this off...and by office manager, I mean the woman I live with who would force me to sleep in that chair because I spent $400 on it instead of say, a new comforter set for our bed.
The NFL Boiler:
A fucking boiler? Is there no limit to what the NFL will license it's name out to? Jesus Christ. The last thing I want to think about when I'm cooking up a pot roast is how my team is going to cope with a 2 game losing streak...oh wait, its not even made for cooking! If you look at the description, this is just a glorified copper basket. You're supposed to use it for firewood or to fill with ice for your favorite beverage...for $199. Shit, for 200 bucks, this thing better start the fire, cook me dinner and hand me my favorite beverage.

The NFL "Creepiest Sleeping Bag Ever":
"Ya sure, I'll be in bed in a sec hon, I'ma just gonna to check on lil' Brett...AH JESUS CHRIST! Lil' Brett, what da hell are ya doin' tah your sleeping bag???" Yea this thing isn't creepy. When I have kids, I want them all to cuddle in bed next to their favorite Packer...not named Mark Chmura. As a side joke, the bag is not waterproof, insert your own here.


The NFL Watch:
Personally, I have no hesitation in dropping $1500 on a watch made by a company that I've never heard of, just so long as it has the official NFL seal of approval. That means it's quality right there. Screw Tag or Rolex or Breitling, NFL is tha shit son. Everyone I know will be jealous of my fifteen hundred dollar watch with gold accents (ACCENTS?) and ceramic dial (CERAMIC???) not to mention the diamonds at the 12, 3, 6 and 9 time marks. Oh yea...bling bling son, bling bling.
NFL Pool Chlorinators:
Well this is just logical isn't it?

The NFL "We Don't Support Any Religion But Christianity" Advent Calendar:
Lest thee wonder which religion is the official religion of the NFL, wonder no longer.
The NFL Cufflinks:
When I rock a fine suit, the first thing I want people to see when they see me is what NFL football team I root for. Hell yea! This will be perfect for the next office party.

NFL Autographed Ryan Leaf Photo:
Yea, that was a little mean.

Lancelot Link wouldn't have been suckered by a banana.

Excuse Me While I Get Racialist

Baseball fans and the media can't get enough of Josh Hamilton. There's no question he's having one hell of a season. His performance at the Home Run Derby was nothing short of amazing. The story of his battle against drug addiction has been an inspiration to sports columnists everywhere.

There's another redemption story that could be in the making in Miami. Ricky Williams is in fantastic shape and is looking ready to make a dramatic return to his old form if we're to believe the reports coming out of Miami. Charley Casserly and Bill Parcells are liking what they see on the practice field and Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald can't get over his cartoon muscles.

If Ricky has a blowout season and matches or bests his numbers from his first two seasons, will everyone get just as excited over his accomplishments as they are over Hamilton's? While subbing on PTI, Dan Le Batard claimed that redemption stories about black athletes don't nearly get the same amount of hype as the stories about white players. Dan Shaughnessy dismissed that out of hand and was obviously nervous about touching the subject. Le Batard had a point and was treading pretty close to the truth.

Black athletes are generally treated like McCain when it comes to overcoming personal demons such as drugs and alcohol while white athletes like Hamilton get the Obama treatment. I'm not saying that anything should be taken away from Hamilton and his accomplishments so far. Let's just see if Ricky gets the same amount of praise if he has a great season. That probably won't be the case. If he has a bad season or gets arrested with a Nate Newton-approved amount of weed, it's open season on his ganja smokin' ass.

Speaking of stupid Aussies...

Todd Carney Wants To Know Where His Dogs At

Americans like to think they're the best at everything. We think we're number one and everyone should just recognize and accept it. This is when reality kicks in. It's a bitch sometimes. Europeans wipe their asses with our dollars and Australian athletes continue to run laps around Americans when it comes to drunken debauchery. We have our exceptions like our namesake, Lawrence Phillips and Eddie Griffin but they are few and far between.

Star rugby player Todd Carney is in deep shit...again. This time he's in trouble for tearing up the club and pissing on a friend of teammate Dane Tilse during a post-match drinking marathon. He and teammate Bronx Goodwin, who assaulted two people outside the club, are in so much trouble that they may be cut by their team. They also could be prevented from joining another team by the NRL.

According to a witness at the hotel on Sunday night, Carney and Goodwin were "out of control'' and "on the p... hard'' before the incidents.

Tilse's mate had come from interstate to watch the match, claimed the witness, who works at All Bar Nun. "The guy was in the toilet and Carney has just turned and [pissed] up and down his leg,'' the witness said

Several other Raiders players attempted to calm the situation and apologise, but Carney and Goodwin - who allegedly harassed another patron - were removed by security from the pub about 10.30pm.

The pair apparently then went to the city centre where they attempted to gain access to Canberra Casino but were refused entry. "They were out of control,'' the witness said.

Around midnight, the pair returned to the northern suburbs bar, which was closed, and were told the leave the area by security as people were waiting for taxis.

The witness said Goodwin then lashed out at another reveller who had nothing to do with the Raiders team - allegedly hitting him about five times in the face.

"The guy was hopping in the cab and he (Goodwin) smashed him. They were good hits, I felt sick in the guts, he copped a flogging,'' he said. "Bronx smashed someone for no reason. Carney was being held back by a few of his sponsors.''

The sponsors were "feeding'' Carney drinks and the two players became "too drunk'', the witness said. Neighbours said they heard "barking'' in the street for about 20 minutes before the brawl occurred.

"It was like a real dog barking, but you could tell it was human,'' a neighbour said. Carney was allegedly ejected from the same premises last weekend for "barking'' at women, the witness said.

You hear that, Ray Lewis? Your bark is empty. Carney channels DMX because his bark is strong like drunken dingo.

The Daily Telegraph also notes that this incident is not the first time Carney's gotten into it. Just last year he was involved in a police chase in Canberra. In 2006, he was arrested for drunk driving and had his license suspended for five years. Carney should come over here and try his luck in American football. He has much to offer the Bengals.

Gary's off the hook. John Lydon just took his place as most deserving of a throat slap today.

The Douchebaggery Of Local Newscasters

This is just painful to watch. A former Premier League and Championship player looking to start his retirement in sunny California by playing in the MLS and a clueless buffoon of a sportscaster combine to make one of the most awkward interviews in some time. Here's a lesson for all you aspiring newscasters out there. If you have no idea what you're talking about, it's best to drop the bombast. We don't need another off-brand Willard Scott.



English legend? Greatest goal ever against Manchester? According to the internet, Gary Radnich is a fucking moron. If there's anyone deserving of a throat slap today, it's this assclown. To his credit, Gary does play the stupid American very well. Boom goes the dynamite.

Look Who Loves The Chelsea

This is a step up from these train wrecks.

Sexiest Beer Pong Match You Might Ever See

You might remember when we profiled the Port-O-Pong on the Deuce, if not maybe you should check that link and read our site more often. Anyway, the guys from VAT 19, sellers of Port-O-Pong, have a video out demonstrating their product with a couple of very lovely women...in tight tops...then bikinis. Yes, it just might be the sexist Beer Pong video you have ever seen, despite the mostly lame commentary and obvious shilling for their product (MORE WOMEN, LESS TALK PLEASE) but who cares, I just want them to send me one so I can play...along with both those women.

In any case, check it out, it's a little slow, but the slow motion jumping up and down might just be worth the price of admission...which is free.

It is a great invention though...an inflatable beer pong table solves all sorts of storage issues that come up from trying to keep that gigantic piece of plywood behind the couch with your poker table tops. I want one...

From Vat 19, sellers of Port-O-Pong

USA Track and Field CEO Doug Logan doesn't want President Bush to give Marion Jones free.

Oh My, Lazio's So Gangsta

Lazio's come a long way in the past couple of years. The Italian soccer club finally changed ownership. It finally fielded a black player after the previous owner was threatened by the club's ultras for trying to sign black French international Lilian Thuram. That was in this decade. Best of all, it almost mobbed up.

The Casalesi clain of the Camorra, the Naples version of the Mafia, tried to buy Lazio through third parties. The plan came to light when 10 people including former Lazio player and president Giorgio Chinaglia were served with arrest warrants by police. Chinaglia has been on the lam from the coppers in the US ever since being nailed for market-rigging that was related to the attempted bid for the club.

The police operation was named Broken Wings. We presume the police are big fans of Mr. Mister. Maybe they imitate the dance scenes from the video when they're hiding from the mob in the police station. You got to learn to fly. Learn to live, to love so free, carabinieri.

In other Italy news, this is simply shameful and disgusting.

Back To Q-School

Strangé! Strangé!

Fresh off her disqualification for forgetting to sign her scorecard and seemingly inches away from her first LPGA win, Michelle Wie is dipping into the PGA Tour pool again. She's going to play in the Legends Reno-Tahoe Open next week after receiving a sponsor's exemption.

"It's not every day that a woman is given the opportunity to play on the greatest tour in the world," Wie said in a statement. "This is a tremendous opportunity for me to learn from these great players and take those lessons into the future to becoming the best player I can be on any tour. This is another step in the process of making me a better player."

Anyone can teach her how to sign a scorecard at the end of a round. Far be it from us to tell golfers what tournaments they should play but it seems like winning an actual event would be a better use of her time. She has yet to make a cut in a men's tournament and that can't be doing much for her confidence. She probably has to finish in the top three in her last LPGA tournament to receive a card for 2009 otherwise it's back to qualifying. She's not down with Q-School but her daddy is and what daddy wants...

Since we brought it up, here you is:

Run To The Hazards, Run For Your Lives

Who's the strangest motivational speaker you've ever had? We're not talking about the time Vin Baker came to your school to talk about the dangers or alcohol or Travis Henry talking about parental responsibility. We're talking about the one that just didn't seem to fit. Allow us to offer up the European Ryder Cup Team.

Captain Nick Faldo has signed up Iron Maiden drummer Nicko McBrain as part of his backroom staff for this year's Ryder Cup. McBrain's job will be to motivate the players. Maybe he'll use giant puppets to help convey his message of slaughtering your opponent or how par is the number of the beast.

The Americans have to counter with their own rock guru. We humbly suggest Ronnie Dio, Nikki Sixx (read the Heroin Diaries before you complain - great read and don't know how the hell he's alive) or Henry Rollins (but only from the Black Flag days). Too bad David Coverdale is British. He would be perfect. If all else fails, American captain Paul Azinger should go with Christopher Cross. He's the only one who knows what to do if you get caught between the moon and New York City.


Via Fark

Michigan Fan Is Hot For Jim Tressel

Maybe it's the sweater vests that get it done for Michigan fan John McKay. He likes to stalk Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel wherever he goes under the guise of hating Ohio State.

''I have a history of denigrating Coach Tressel,'' McKay said. ''He cheats everywhere he goes, and he's holier than thou. And he's yet to beat an SEC team. I'm not impressed.''

There's no word on whether Tressel is considering a restraining order or showing McKay his version of the Dirty Horseshoe. For the record, McKay was born and raised in Georgia and went to Georgia for college.

In other Michigan news, Go Blue! has new uniforms and it's national news. The new jerseys include a quote from Bo Schembechler, "Because I couldn't go for three". Oh wait, that was Woody Hayes. Never mind.

Scott Linebrink Doesn't Trust Your Newfangled Medicine

Yao Ming isn't the only one resorting to traditional medicine in order to deal with injuries and ailments. White Sox reliever Scott Linebrink is cheating on the training room with acupuncture and Gua Sha.

"[Acupuncture] hasn't eliminated the migraines, but it has made them more manageable and less frequent," said Linebrink, who personally discovered the ancient Chinese remedy after his signing with the Sox.

"I'll tell you what, it relaxes me more than a massage," he said. "It's a total body thing. I tell [the acupuncturist] what's bothering me [so] he also does the back and shoulders.

Some of you may be unfamiliar with the practice of Gua Sha. It involves "[scraping] shoulder skin to take away stagnant blood and replace it with fresh blood".

"It's not very comfortable and … my back is black and blue," he said. "It looks terrible. The first time I came home my wife said, 'What in the world happened to you. It looks like you got flogged.'

... "If there's something that can speed along the [recovery] process, I'm for it."

Might want to be careful about that. Just ask Andy Pettite.

This Is Real

This is DZNUTS, a cream for your "junk" that was created for Tour De France cyclist Dave Zabriskie...and this ain't no steroid stuff its all natural goodness for your goods. Here's what Dave had to say about using proper protection when riding:

“Proper mainTAINTanance of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”

That emphasis was his not ours. Just the thought of an infected saddle sore makes me whince in agony. I'm thinking Kaz Matsui could've used some of this before his problem became a PROBLEM or maybe not, I've never had the anal fissures myself, but really, could it have hurt? Protect your junk...use DZNUTS!

Get DZNUTS here

Adam Loewen tries to pull a Rick Ankiel. So cliché.

Best. Pictures. Ever.

Leopard taking down a crocodile. It doesn't get much better than this. This picture along with the others was taken at a South African game preserve by Hal Brindley, an American wildlife photographer. The leopard attacked the croc in the water and dragged it onto land where it finished the croc off by suffocating it. See the other pictures here.

How Bad Do You Want It?

How bad do you want to eat and drink all you want while watching minor league baseball? How much would you pay? What would you eat? How about a beetle?

The Madison Mallards held Beetle Eating Night on Thursday. Fans were received free access to the all you can eat and drink area of the stadium if they ate a dead beetle. The offer was only open to the first 250 fans who took up the challenge.

Beetle Eating Night is only the tip of the iceberg. Next Saturday, fans can meet William Hung and "stick around for some intense karaoke!". Hung is followed by the What You Talkin' Bout Tour on August 1 when Gary Coleman shows up "'Eighties' Night". The fun never stops in Madtown.

If you make it to Madison, send us a couple Plazaburgers. There's not much like a Plazaburger with a pint of Point Amber.


** We're not even touching that picture, you perverts.

Jordan Will Make Your Pants Wet

So, the ESPY's just happened and this is about the only interesting story that I could find that came out of the whole event. ESPY host Justin Timberlake recounted the story of his first meeting with Michael Jordan...and his pants got a little wet.

"When I was young... I wanted to be Michael Jordan. It was weird, I heard (Gary Wright song) Dreamweaver in my head when he walked in the room.

"He was like, `Hey man, my kids and I, we're big fans of your music,' and I was like, `That's cool...' Up until the point where he walked away and I realized I had peed a little."

Yea, Mr. Dick In The Box couldn't contain himself when he got near his idol, ole #23. I can sympathize though, when I met my idol, Lancelot Link Secret Chimp i shat my pants and flung it at him. In retaliation of course.

That's When It's Time To Kick Some Back

25
Created by OnePlusYou

Did you ever wonder how many five year olds you could take in a fight? Wonder no longer. The answer awaits you.

Not to be outdone by Rampage Jackson's multiple arrests in one week, DMX goes for number of arrests record.

Brian Westbrook Wants To Get Paid For You

This is a new one. Brian Westbrook wants more money from the Eagles. Who cares? Happens all the time. Right. However he doesn't want more money so he can buy more horses. He thinks he deserves it but he also wants to show all the kids out there that they too can get paid if they work hard.

Westbrook's ... point about his contract is that if the Eagles gave him an extension, it would provide incentive for his teammates.

"Players see you getting compensated and that makes them want to go bust their butt," Westbrook said. "Nobody is going to quit on this team, but if you know you're going to be compensated, you might give that little extra. That's natural."

I think Warrick Dunn might have some competition for the most selfless player in the NFL. Never mind pride, doing your job or free agency. Having a big money guy on your team is just the incentive you need to get out there and be somebody.

"If LaDainian [Tomlinson] got paid $25 million guaranteed in 2003 and now it's 2008, the next person needs to be paid $30 million guaranteed," Westbrook said. "It works its way up. You can't sit here and say, 'I'm as good as LaDainian right now, and I'm getting paid five years after him. . . . So I'll take $15 million.' That doesn't make any sense."

Yeeeeeeah.... Westbrook may be good but he's not quite that good. I don't know LaDanian Tomlinson but sir, you are no LT. However he is the Philadelphia offense. If the Eagles are smart, they'll make Westbrook happy. He may be 29 but he's pretty much all they have. Sorry, Donovan.

Did Money Mayweather Get Knocked The F**k Out?

When Media Takeout reports a story, you know you're going to need at least five more sources before you believe it. I couldn't find a second but I'll go with it anyway. The potential of it being true is too good to pass up. Who's the journalist?

MTO claims that Floyd Mayweather Jr. (aka Money - Language probably NSFW) was knocked out by former sparring partner Edner "Cherry Bomb" Cherry. We're not even going to touch that nickname. A dispute over back pay at a Las Vegas club escalated into a fight that resulted in Money being laid out.

I imagine the fight went down a little something like the following (except the roles were reversed):



If this story is true, Money better get back in the gym and fast. Everyone's going to take him on. I might think about stepping to him in a couple weeks if he's not careful. I'll probably cry after thinking about it but that don't mean I ain't no man.

Please, For The Love Of God, I Like V*gina: The Story Of Brady Quinn, Mike Piazza And Al Reynolds

Poor Brady Quinn. He just can't stop the rain of gay rumors. He certainly does himself no favors when he rocks it like this and this. He finally decided to fight back against The Others since he can't hold himself back.

TMZ has learned that a dating site has been using Brady's image for months in M4M ads.

A rep for the Cleveland Browns tells us Brady had no knowledge of the ad saying, "He was not involved in posting photos."

Brady's lawyer has already taken action and has sent a cease and desist letter to the website today, demanding all photos of him be removed ASAP.

Interesting denial by the Cleveland rep. Brady also claims that he's straight. We can't wait until he holds a press conference to announce his heterosexuality. That always works. Just ask Mike Piazza. Oh wait, what's that about him and Sam Champion? Never mind.

Maybe Brady should take some advice from Al Reynolds. An off the cuff presser isn't the move. You need to go with someone sympathetic like an off-brand entertainment reporter who probably hawks Colonblow on those infomercials you always see after getting home pissy drunk off of Henny and skunk at 4 AM.

If Brady really wants to prove he likes vagina, he should keep taking pictures of himself grabbing packages, leave his picture on the dating site and start answering ads directed to him. A couple dates wouldn't hurt. He might as well even give a couple handjobs just to show how secure he is in his heteronesses. All denials do is make people more suspicious. We don't want a suspicious Kellen Winslow. Our favorite soldier might crash his douche rocket again and no one wants that.

James Ingram Will Let The Macarena Pass Just Once

It's been a couple weeks since Spain won Euro 2008. Keeper Pepe Reina (Liverpool) is probably still waking up in the middle of the night yelling, screaming and scaring the shit out of little kids and old people.

The players and coaches weren't the only ones to get their party on. I don't know what airline the Spanish national team uses but American sports teams need to find an American equivalent. Here's video (via Who Ate All The Pies) of the flight attendants getting down for the team. Just skip to :22 for the PG.



I don't know if I can accept this or any Macarena. They just don't seem like they really mean it. In the words of Ice Cube, "I can do it, put your ass into it". We need a dirty, grimy, freak nasty strip club version. Then again can the Macarena ever be sexy? I just don't see it.

I do know one thing. These troopers put those mom shorts-wearing Southwest flight attendants to shame in spite of their half-ass Macarenain'.

Even Slaves Don't Want What Paris Hilton Is Selling

If you want to know what reparations can do, just follow Cristian Ronaldo. Slave du jour Ronaldo is a man about town. He keeps his pimp limp strong even when he's on crutches. He may an idiot and douchebag when it comes to handling his transfer to Real Madrid but even he's smart enough to avoid the walking STD that is Paris Hilton.

Ronaldo was accosted by Hilton at Villa on Wednesday night. He recently broke up with Nereida Gallardo whose pictures you couldn't have avoided if you tried over the past month. Lady Herpes made for him like Don Vito on an underage girl.

A source said: 'Paris was all over him. The moment he arrived, she went over to his private table.

'At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him.

'But Ronaldo clearly wasn't interested in Paris. He turned his back on her.'

What's your sign? Stop sign, muthafucka! I'm not sure what the soccer equivalent of the Heisman is called but this has to be it. He probably saw the flies hovering around her nether regions and recoiled in horror.

Maybe he's smarter than he lets on. Getting with Paris would definitely drop his transfer value. Who knows how many weeks he would spend out of action thanks to an STD cocktail that rivals a komodo dragon's saliva? Too bad Eric Djemba Djemba wasn't around to clean up the mess. He could use the money.

Sayonara Hideo Nomo

Turn off the lights. There will be no mo' Nomo for you.

Hideo Nomo is hanging it up after four years in Japan and 13 years in the majors over here. He was the Tony Batista of pitchers with his tornado delivery. At least he can say that he was better than The Fat Toad of New York.

R Kelly's Dog Runs Loose At Cricket Match

How cute. Maybe we should give the dog some credit. At least it's not pissing on underage girls.

The Bears Still Suck

Watch this brilliance as Paul Hornung owns Mike Ditka at Ditka's roast.



Hornung should have done the Lambeau Leap into the crowd or on top of Ditka after that performance.

Cardboard Tube Fighting Invades DC

You read that title right, Cardboard Tube Fighting. The Seattle Cardboard Tube Fighting League is coming to Washington DC on Saturday July 26th at 3pm on the National Mall. For the price of nothing (yea its free) you may participate in the cardboard tube fighting tournament. The information is here on their website if you want to join in and they recommend cardboard armor and/or costumes...and business suits for some reason.

If i was fighting, i'd fight in a business suit with cardboard armor on top i think. Thats gotta be cooler than what these guys are using. Although I do like the cardboard shield. That seems like it'd be cheating though.

This is a new low for made up sports and events...but it is brilliant in it's stupidity...if that makes sense. How do you not go to this and have fun? I'd love to whack the shit out of someone with a tube of cardboard and not get arrested for it.

From Tubeduel via Washington City Paper

Rampage Jackson Lives Up To His Name

Rampage Jackson was in an automobile accident yesterday, but he decided that staying and waiting for the cops wasn't worth his time, so he ran, in typical hit and run style. Also in typical hit and run style, the cops caught up with him and engaged him in a high speed chase. The problem Rampage had was that he wasn't exactly driving in the worlds most inconspicuous vehicle.
Yea...not the smartest move to make a getaway with a truck that has your photo plastered on it. Ya can't use the Shaggy defense (It wasn't me) on that one.

From TMZ

Is That Hulk Rock? Well Turn It Up

Season by season, Manchester United striker Carlos Tevez comes closer to looking like Lou Ferrigno's Incredible Hulk. Who knew Hulk sing?

The Sun caught Tevez singing on stage with the evil Bob Ross in Cordoba, Argentina. Evil Bob is going by the name of Juan Carlos Mona Jimenez.

You're probably wondering how Hulk sound on mic. Hulk sing for you.

A-Rod Gets Nothing And Probably Doesn't Like It

All-Star weekend can't end fast enough. I only made it until the 14th inning last night until I decided that sleep was more important and I realized that I didn't care who won. Nice to see Billy Wagner show consistency. Also good to see George Sherrill show up big for the O's though. Too bad the Yankees couldn't show up for A-Rod.

Page Six reports that none of A-Rod's Yankee teammates showed up for the party he was hosting at 40/40 on Monday night. Instead he was surrounded by Madonna's posse and a bunch of chickenhead groupies listening to Madonna songs. It turns out his teammates would rather hang out at home or with Mets than with him.

Sources tell the Post that A-Rod's obsession with manly women is becoming a distraction for the team.

"He's become a huge distraction with the Madonna fiasco," a source told Page Six. "It's always all about him."

Those chickenhead groupies and manly women must have warmed up at STK on Sunday. They took over the place en masse. I assume they were there waiting for Captain Morgan or the Chicago Blackhawks' Martin Havlat. Both were there in force. The former was also there in free liquid form.

The Deuce decided to make an appearance after an exhausting day at the free Breeders show in Brooklyn Sunday afternoon. The Breeders? Yes. Fat girls rocking hula hoops and string bikinis? No. Standing in the same place for five hours in the sun isn't the move either. However standing in the same place in air conditioning with an open bar is never a bad move. Famous last words.


The party itself was rather blah despite the best efforts of Captain Morgan to get the crowd hype. I just didn't believe he was that happy. I suspect he's really empty inside because he misses the sea and now has to shuck and jive for douchebags at the club. I think I'm mocking the Captain because I want to be Captain Morgan. I wanted to ask if I could sign up for duty but he was more interested in raising the roof and doing the running man.

The party was made slightly better by the David Ortiz making his run to the VIP and the efforts of girls to get past the rope man including one who tried to squeeze herself through a hole in a glass wall in an unsuccessful yet hilarious effort to get to Havlat. The number of athletes was probably equal to the number of Menounoses and Kieblers in the house.

The All-Star parade didn't get much better. Athletes waving from cars in 100 degree heat. I'd be more impressed if they rode on elephants and rhinos. Something to think about for next season.

Here are some parade shots taken of ex-players with mustaches by the Deuce's partner in crime who showed up strong All-Star Weekend.





Makes you wish you were getting swamp ass while watching the players roll by. Those of you interested in innuendo should know that Big Papi was still working Maria Menounos during the parade. Make of that what you will. Unfortunately their ride was too fast so you'll have to take our word for it.

The More You Know

Here's your lesson for the day. You don't get points for stupidity. Just ask this guy who didn't know when to stay down.

Tony Kornheiser's Head Finally Too Big

Tony Kornheiser was spotted in Rehoboth Beach last weekend and the locals didn't have much good to say about Mr. Tony's conduct while in town. He was at the Big Fish Grill and made no friends with his arrogance on full display for the servers at the seafood joint says this Delaware blogger:

While at the restaurant, Kornheiser didn't make too many friends, a source told me. After announcing that he was "too famous to he here," a staffer finally found him a corner table to keep him from, ahem, all his fans.

Once there, the type of crabs he wanted weren't on the menu (stop giggling) and he allegedly said, "I want what I want when I want it."

My source swore he said that, but I'd be surprised if anyone could be such an ass. Staffers had to go next door to the Big Fish Seafood Market to get Kornheiser his precious crabs.

This, sounds pretty standard for Mr. Tony and for those used to his shtick it might've even garnered a chuckle...if he weren't dead serious. I mean, if he was too famous to be there, why the hell was he even there? He could've gone to a number of restaurants in the area that could've better catered to Kornheiser's needs, but to throw a minor tantrum saying "I want what I want when I want it" and making them go to a market to get the food he wants is a bit much.

You stop writing, you stop doing talk radio, you're currently barely on the ESPN show that made you a minor national cultural phenomenon and now you're just being an ass for no reason while waiting for football season to start so you can suck more on TV? We all know you are a funny jerk in your public persona, but who knew you were just a jerk in general.

From Delaware Online via DCRTV

Worlds Largest Flip Cup Tournament To Hit NYC

Oh yes, it is time to get your drink on. A group called Flip Cup Guys is putting on a 64 team field of flip cuppers to have the largest official flip cup tournament in the US...or so they say. Some frat house somewhere has to have had something similar to this at some point in time right? Nevertheless, these guys have a website and are making it look quite official.

Its a $30 entry fee per player or $25 per spectator and that gives you all the beer you can drink. That, dear readers, is a cover price that I would pay any day of the week. If you're in NYC its being held at M1-5 Bar which is on 52 Walker Street between Broadway and Church St. and you best be loaded up with all sorts of B vitamins before, during and after to help lessen the inevitable hangover you're going to get from this event.

However, these guys do have some serious competition, there is a circuit called Major League Flip Cup which puts on the World Series of Flip Cup and these guys claim to be the "Official Governing Body Of All Things Flip Cup". Their World Series consisted of just 50 teams and the event occurred a couple months ago on May 3rd, 2008 at the Recher Theatre in Baltimore. Even though they are lacking the field of 64, these guys mean serious business, having regional tournaments across the nation and even teams from other countries.

Flip Cup guys seem to have a rival circuit. Could this be like the AFL and NFL? The AL and the NL? Could we be witnessing history in the world of sanctioned binge drinking? I might have to start up my own league and call it USA Flip-Cup and have a field of 80 teams. Bigger is better apparently.

If you forget how flip cup works, here's a demonstration:

Athletes Rejoice! Pre-Game Sex Doesn't Hinder In Game Performance

Those screams and yells you hear outside is not from the bum fight that might occurring in the alley outside your window right now, no, those are the collective hoots and hollers from athletes around the globe celebrating the release of this interview from Kansas University sports physician Sean Cupp who states that sex before a game doesn't hinder an athlete's in game performance. HELL YEA!

“Basically, the best way to continue positive performance outcomes would be to not change your pre-game ritual,” Cupp said.“The long-standing myth that athletes should practice abstinence before important competitions may stem from the theory that sexual frustration leads to increased aggression, and that the act of ejaculation draws testosterone from the body.”

Carl Inzerillo, a sports medicine specialist at Inzerillo Family Practice agrees:

“It seems to help because it relaxes you,” said “Number one, they get a good night’s sleep. Number two, it takes their mind off the competition. Number three, it increases testosterone.”

If you thought there was an epidemic of bastard athlete's children already then you'd better watch out now! Shawn Kemp, Evander Hollyfield and Derrick Thomas were ahead of their time. They knew what it took to be a top flight professional athlete. This is just what Kwame Brown needs to get over the hump I think. He'd better get to some sexin!

From Kansan.com

New Sport: "Naked Rock Climbing"

Well, I guess you will save a lot of cash by taking up this version of the already extreme sport of rock climbing. Nude rock climbing is supposedly the latest craze here in the states, but I'll be damned if I've heard about it before reading this article (might be NSFW since there are some arty nude shots) from the Daily Mail.

People who do this sort of climbing swear that it is the "true essence of the climbing spirit," whatever that means. One climber, Dean Feldman, was so inspired that he took this photo and a whole bunch of others and made a calendar called "Stone Nudes" (also might be NSFW for some arty nude shots) which you can pick up on his site there, showing that this new extreme sport is already primed for capitalism to exploit it to its fullest. I mean, who doesn't love naked women on rocks right? I know I just bought two, one for the wall and the other for...personal use. Yea, that's right.

Sure you can save a lot of cash on climbing equipment but has got to be offset in a big way with the medical bills. I mean no ropes or hooks or knee pads or anything to prevent the bumps and bruises and um...FALLING DOWN to the ground to your death? Yea, sounds like an awesome way to spend the afternoon.

From Daily Mail UK

This Is The Most Powerful Weapon of All

This is Curt Schilling's bloody sock from Game 2 of the 2004 World Series and it is the most powerful weapon in the universe...in Curt Schilling's video game world he is creating. We've all known for awhile that Schilling has been busy working with his company 38 studios (formerly Green Monster Games) on a new MMORPG that was supposed to be like the Everquest world that he loves so much and now it has a name, Copernicus, and the sock is apparently the biggest baddest weapon you can get in the game.

Not much else is known about this game, other than Todd McFarlane of Spawn and McFarlane Toys fame is the art director and sci-fi writer R. A. Salvatore is the creative director and it's due to be released sometime in 2010. Here's a video that goes into a bit more of Schilling's want to achieve "World Domination Through Gaming".

I dunno, sure it's neat that an ex athlete has a unique, albeit nerdy, career goal after sports...but would it not have been a lot cooler if the guy made a game that was about sports? Like any dork playing his fantasy game will have any idea what this sock is all about in the first place.

From Game Pro

I Award You No Points And May God Have Mercy On Your Soul

Don't you love seeing the mascot jump in the pile when athletes are celebrating a major win or title? They never get any love even though they hyped up the 11th man for the whole season. You'd think a team would throw the mascot some groupie scraps like the girl with a second head or missing several fingers and toes but nope. Mascots get nothing and like it.

All glory be to failblog.org. After watching this video, you'll gain a better understanding of why athletes want nothing to do with mascots. No one wants to catch the suck. Maybe Shaun Livingston messed with Clippers mascot Brevin Knight and got the horns.



It would be wrong not to acknowledge Clutch's attempt to salvage what little dignity a person in a mascot outfit can have left at the end.

Constitutional Vol. "Half-Arse"

Usually Chimp handles the Constitutional and keeps it blog heavy. However I didn't get a chance to hit everything I wanted this morning so here are some links. I promise Chimp will be back with a legit, blog-lovin' Constitutional next week.

Barcelona/Argentina winger Lionel Messi is dating Argentina's 2006 World Cup mascot and she could very well be a he. (Probably NSFW - The essentials are covered up but not by much)

Mmmm statutory crepe. Different area code rule goes for statutory rape and possession of kiddie porn? If you're a diplomat, it do.

Jason Whitlock throws Sunday Night Football under the bus. Does that qualify as bus-on-bus crime? He's right however I'm not so sure about the "interest" reason. We might dig a little deeper into this over the weekend or more likely on Monday.

Spare some change for Chris Henry?

Hopefully there are double knockouts in every fight.

Kwame Brown Has Something On Somebody

If the NBA was run like a fantasy league, both trades involving Kwame Brown would have been vetoed by every team in the league and the person who owned him would be subjected to a Zimbabwe level of abuse for attempting such a thing. However this is real life and apparently anything like lopsided Kwame Brown trades fly in the NBA.

The Miami Herald reports that the Heat could be interested in acquiring Brown as a free agent. They could offer him a bucket of shrimp that's been sitting on Collins Ave for three weeks but they would probably have better luck offering him some French dressing.

Brown must have pictures of Pat Riley in a compromising position. Why else would the Heat be interested in signing him? Agent Mark Bertelstein claims to have talked to the Heat about Brown (who is his client) as well as Jannero Pargo and Roger Mason who recently signed with the Spurs. Maybe Brown is being offered as part of a package deal for Pargo. Maybe the Heat could have sign Brown just so he can get with Star Jones. It's probably easier for Dwyane Wade to refocus and get back to being good if her crab ass isn't around. I'm going with that theory.

Bleeding from the ass? That's a scandal. He should have stopped at 14 "beatings from the cane".

The Czechs Have Lost Their Damn Minds

The Czechs could be taking their early and sudden elimination from Euro 2008 a bit hard. They've resorted to jumping from rocks. High rocks.

Czechs and other climbing enthusiasts have taken to rock jumping since simply climbing them is old and busted. The sport started from attempts to climb as many rocks as possible. The easiest way to do this is to jump from rock to rock with a rope attached to the waist. It seems simple enough if you make it. However if you don't make it, you fall back into the wall of the base tower. That often ends up broken bones and damaged spines.

The New York Times has video on the linked page which includes a quality fail and the resulting smack into the base tower. The other thing we learn from the video is that jumpers like to drink before they jump. Homemade anesthesia probably doesn't help when your spine is slammed into a rock. I'll give it a try this afternoon and let you know how it goes.

What?? Hallelujah!! Morris Day and the Time are getting back together.

Bill Cosby Says Fail, Tony Zendejas

Really, dude? Former kicker Tony Zendejas was arrested and charged with "one count each of rape by use of drugs, rape of an unconscious person, sodomy by anesthesia or controlled substance and sodomy of an unconscious victim" after a customer of his sports bar was allegedly raped.

Zendejas is still in custody after not posting bail. No Jello Pudding Pops for him.

Vindication for Vindication, the son of Seattle Slew. Oh wait, Vindication was executed.

Just Call Cristiano Ronaldo Toby

The absurdity of the Cristiano Ronaldo saga has reached an all-time low. The constant back and forth between Manchester United and Real Madrid had been tiresome for some time and then FIFA president Sepp Blatter decided to stick his nose into the drama. He accused United of treating Ronaldo like Kunta Kinte. When Ronaldo was informed of Blatter's comments, he had no problem agreeing with them.

'I agree with what he said. It's true. I agree with the president of FIFA. I know what I want and what I would like.

'We have to see what happens.

'What the president of FIFA said is correct. At the moment I don't say anything more. 'I don't know whether or not there is slavery in football. I don't say anything.'

Ronaldo shouldn't complain. He's definitely in the house considering he makes £120,000 a week. Talk to the players in the field like Wes Brown who only makes £50,000 a week. Who will give them free?

Teams are stupid enough to pay players absurd salaries and wonder why they become such spoiled prima donnas. Ronaldo is in the first year of a five-year contract and is trying to force his way out of Old Trafford.

Asked if he wished to go to Real Madrid, he said: 'At the moment I can't say any more. You know what I said and what I want.

'At the moment we're going to see what happens.'

The sad thing about it is that he might get his wish. As much as I would love to see the back of him, it would be wise of United to make an example of him and keep him at the club as long as possible even if it means letting him rot in the reserves. There has to be some loyalty considering the way the team protected him after his World Cup theatrics. There has to be some order considering he just signed a new contract. One has to wonder whether there's any point to contracts in sports.

You Be The Judge

Is this that offensive? I certainly don't think so.

From Imran Anwar's "My Humble Opinion"

Who Wins: Batmobile vs Toyota F1 Racer

Its just more free advertising for the movie and while it is cool to see a few of Batman's vehicles in action...the Batmobile isn't all that impressive in its "race" with the F1. The F1 pretty much blows it away and has to slow to a crawl to make it look competitive. The rest of the film is just a bunch of drivers mugging for the camera with the car. Meh...11 days til training camp

The Oklahoma City Thundercats Are Loose

Fans of the team formerly known as the Seattle Supersonics must be going through the different stages of grief. All other NBA fans are going to wet themselves if the rumors about the Oklahoma City team are true.

Monica Guzman of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports (via Yahoo Answers) that the Oklahoma City team might be named the Thundercats. Oh sweet baby Jesus, let this be true. Screw my previous loyalties. There's no way I can't back a team named after the Thundercats. Of course, the mascot will end up being a giant Snarf. If they're smart and mean business, the mascot will be PummRa. He should have run the show instead of MummRa. They would have conquered Third Earth in a week. You can't have a boss who spends most of his time in a mummy case and occasionally pops out to order people around while getting his ass handed to him Monday through Friday.

The Thundercats sent Chimp and I off on a tangent about 80s cartoons. We both spent way too much time watching cartoons during the 80s. This is also the dead period before training camp and everyone's fighting for blogging scraps so we decided to take a trip down memory lane and look back at some of the best and worst the decade had to offer in cartoon theme songs.


1. Thundercats



You can't tell me this didn't hype you up as a kid and make you wish you were Lion-O. For such a sweet opening, Lion-O was kind of a bitch. How many times did the other Thundercats have to save him? Can you really respect yourself if you have to rely on Snarf to get your ass out of a jam? I think not. Panthro (clearly the black Thundercat) would have wrecked shop. Apparently Third Earth wasn't ready to say "Yes We Can".


2. Silverhawks



I think this was made by the creators of the Thundercats. Great cartoon but wack theme song. They must have blown their load the first time around because this intro is garbage. "Silverhawks are rainbows in the night"? Really, dude? I always had a funny feeling when I watched the Silverhawks. I didn't know why until now. I became hot for guitarists who fly through rainbows. That crap belongs on a cartoon like Jem.


3. Jem



Of course we didn't watch Jem. Not that there's anything wrong...Yes there is. What's truly outrageous is the fact that I know this damn theme song because it was on when I was watching other cartoons and I couldn't turn away from her sweet ass. Is it wrong to admit that I thought Jem was hot? I'd still hit that. Bet she's a MILF now. I bet I could get with all the Misfits at the same time. They definitely have some freak nasty about them with all that tribal shit on their faces. One of them would definitely let me put it in...


4. Voltron



No. I don't want to put it in a robot. It might be tougher to get with the princess because of all the security and the other douches on the Voltron Force would probably cockblock with Voltron. This theme song isn't noteworthy on its own but it's here because Voltron was the shit. We're talking lions here. Fuck the off-brand Car Voltron.


5. GI Joe



This theme song is straight up awful. It sounds like it was written and sung by some West Point glee club. What's up with no one ever dying on the show. They had to make a movie just to kill Duke? Screw those parachuting cobra agents. Boo.


6. Mr. T



This could be one of my all-time favorites. You even had the smooth 80s sax used on 80s live action tv shows. Maybe I wouldn't feel the same if it was called Mr. Keaton but I don't have to worry about that. What the hell did Mr. T know about gymnastics? I'm guessing nothing but that's cool. I'd let him run a nuclear sub.


7. Captain Planet



Fuck Captain Planet. I hated this theme song and this cartoon. Trying to force multiculturalism and environmentalism on me when I just want to be entertained. Of course the Asian controls the water. How come they never had a seal clubbing or whale harpooning episode? You know she was all about that. I always wanted to punch Captain Planet. Chimp polluted more and lit Smokey the Bear on fire because of him. I would have punched that crying Indian if I had the chance.


8. Alvin and the Chipmunks



I'm going to go ahead and punch myself in the balls for admitting I watched the Chipmunks. I couldn't get enough of this theme song and the cartoon. I blame my parents for letting me watch it unsupervised.


9. The Snorks



"If you had friends underwater, who would you know?" What the hell does even mean? I could only hang with the Snorks for so long past the theme song. Watching All-Star hang around that hot Snork piece Casey and not snork her was way too snorkin' frustrating.


10. M.A.S.K.



Not the kid who looked better than Cher in Mask. The cartoon. Matt Trakker. The two KK's meant he was bad ass or they stood for the Kollege Klub in Madison, WI which might as well have added the last K unless you played football. This was probably in my top three cartoon theme songs during the 80s. I actually had most of these toys but of course they ended up breaking. I blamed Bruce Sato. Sato, you are not covered.


11. Pole Position



You have to give Atari credit for this cheap marketing ploy. Average cartoon. Solid theme song. Hell yeah I wanted to play me some Pole Position after this. I made a point of letting my parents know by singing this catchy song in their face. They finally broke and bought us a Sega Master System years later. Who else had that? That's right. No one.

That Strange Sensation You'll Be Feeling In the Seat Of Your Pants Will Be My Boot In Your A*s

Gene Hackman is officially on board as Chelsea manager. Go Bama! Roll Tide!

Newcastle United Hates Your Freedom

Where's the laugh track when you need it? Everyone's favorite family after the Cosbys and Seavers might be interested in buying Newcastle United.

Rumors are floating around that the Bin Laden family is interested in buying Newcastle United from current owner Mike Ashley. A Newcastle spokesman called the rumors "absolute nonsense". What better way is there to differentiate yourself from your Arsenal-loving terrorist spawn than buying a second rate team with delusions of grandeur and no chance of success?