We Were All On Vacation!

Have you noticed an increasing nervousness over the past week? A feeling of impending doom that you couldn't place? Don't feel bad. You were just channeling Austrian terror. Ze Germans are back!

The last time the Germans went on holiday in Europe en masse, they took the Sudetenland and a world war started. This time, they were not so lucky. Over 200 Germans were arrested on Sunday following Germany's 2-0 win over Poland in Euro 2008.

Many of the fans were chanting "Seig Heil" and other Nazi slogans. "Only about a dozen of those arrested were not German". Israel has to be glad it didn't qualify for the finals.

It's good to see the Austrians step up this time as opposed to running and singing in the mountains or just giving up like the French. The Deuce is all about the cheap WWII joke. We'd say we'd be here all week but we can't even promise that.

The New Old Hotness? Pushball!

Now that roller derby and kickball and bocce ball (yes bocce ball, that might have to be another post) have turned into this generation's new urban hipster type games, some more hip than others...*cough**ahem*kickball sucks*cough*, is it time to revive some more old hotness? I say yes, and thus, let us usher in the new age of Pushball! What is it? Check it out below.

Sure you say it looks fun. Bunch of guys on a field, big giant ball, how can that not be fun? So how do you play? Well its pretty easy, at least so says this Wikipeida article on it:

Pushball is a game played by two sides on a field usually 140 yd (128 m) long and 50 yd (45.7 m) wide, with a ball 6 ft (1.83 m) in diameter and 50 lb (22.7 kg) in weight. The sides usually number eleven each, there being five forwards, two left-wings, two right-wings and two goal-keepers. The goals consist of two upright posts 18 ft (5.5 m) high and 20 ft (6.1 m) apart with a crossbar 7 ft. from the ground. The game lasts for two periods with an intermission. Pushing the ball under the bar counts 5 points; lifting or throwing it over the bar counts 8. A touchdown behind goal for safety counts 2 to the attacking side.

How bout that? I want me some of this action, lord knows this would be infinently cooler than kickball and bocce ball combined, but I think I might need some live action video just to get an idea what Modern Pushball is like. Oh...well look what we have here:

Yea this sport rocks. Someone needs to set up a Pushball League here in DC for me and in NYC for Mustafa. My pushball skillz need to be showcased!

Image from Shorpy

Darryl Strawberry Teachin Them Kids Right

I couldn't think of a better place for a former all-star cokehead than teaching young baseball players how to be professional ball players. Darryl Strawberry is a roving instructor for the New York Mets organization, a job given to him by Mets VP and GM Omar Minaya where Straw will visit the affiliates from the rookie leagues to Class AAA.

Last weekend, Strawberry was at the single A Savannah Sand Gnats complex giving all sorts of advice to their young hitters, something he wishes he had when he was coming up to the majors:

"We didn't have that when I came up. You had to learn the hard way. You had to learn the hard knocks of life. It's life. It's a journey. It's the same thing for these younger guys.

"I try to explain to them about the life of playing professional sports, the temptations and the people. You've got to be extremely careful about who you deal with."

Certainly these kids are going to listen to this guy when he tells them how to get to the majors and what not to do to stay there. Straw had a world of talent and he could have been a hall of fame player were it not for his addictions, for him to talk to the kids in the Mets single A team is like the baseball equivalent of Scared Straight to these kids.

"Do you wake up in the morning and feel like you have to kill somebody??"

I have to think besides teaching the normal hitting, fielding, time management and psychological aspects of the game of baseball, Darryl is also telling the kids some other fine points about managing life in the big leagues such as:

- How to have a ho' in every visiting town

- How to not get said ho' pregnant

- How to keep said ho' quiet about her ho'ing around with you

- How to do a proper line of blow off said ho's ass

- How not to mix the uppers with the downers

Well you get the point...oh yea, and if you don't remember scared straight, here's some bonus footage for ya.

From Savannah Morning News/Savannah Now
Photo by Richard Drew / AP

Jose Guillen Reminds Me Of Somone

Is it me or is Jose Guillen starting to look a little like a combination of these two guys nowadays?

Could just be me...

Maybe not

Constitutional Vol. "Lets Link It Up"

Its been awhile for the links since I've been in and out of here, so lets throw up a bunch of stuff that's been sittin around the ole inbox for the past couple weeks. Welcome to the Constitutional:

• I was agreeing with this story up until the point where she actually chose a team to root for...I on the other hand want both the Celtics and Lakers to lose. Idle Chatter
  


• The press isn't thinking highly of the DellMichael Curry hire. Mlive.com
  


• Here's the Ken Griffey Jr. home run video. I'm Writing Sports
  


• How to grade your female prospects like MLB does it's player prospects...playa. Rumors and Rants
  


• We apparently are still in the running to be Deadspin's new editor in chief. Hugging Harold Reynolds
  


• Even though no one is giving us any odds at all at the chance. For shame. AOL Fanhouse
  


• Why isn't Jeff Van Gundy getting any looks at head coaching gigs? Stet Sports
  


• Get your Brooks Robinson and Eddie Murray drank on! Mr. Irrelevant
  


• Baseball has plenty of drug problems with Ritalin and Adderall. Newsweek
  


• Here's a breakdown of the 10 worst sports broadcasters. Maxim
  


• The Sporting News is making another attempt at remaining a viable business. Can't Stop the Bleeding
  


• The Dutch just handled Italy...absolutely handled them. The Beautiful Game
  

An Aside

Yea, we haven't been as prolific as we normally are lately. Its all my fault, I just moved in with the fiance last weekend and I'm still figuring out how to blog while still going to bed at a reasonable hour. This is new for me, I normally do my best work between 1am and 4am but the lady doesn't much like the pitter patter of blogging all night in our 1br apartment, so I'm adjusting a bit here. Until I figure it out, our posting might be a bit sporadic, but we are not going anywhere, dont you worry. This ends your public service announcement.

Dan Snyder Now Controls Your Radio

He finally did it. Dan Snyder has purchased the biggest sports talk radio station in DC, WTEM Sportstalk 980. Snyder purchased 3 low powered DC area radio stations in 2006 creating his own Redskins Radio network and he has used these stations to essentially become the Fox News Channel of Redskins news. Instead of spreading Republican propaganda, it spreads Redskins propaganda.

Broadcaster and Redskins play by play man Larry Michael has been the Bill O'Reilly of Redskins radio, always saying whatever the boss man upstairs tells him to and sticking to the company's agenda. Michael spends most of his time spreading nothing but unbelievably positive news from Redskins Park essentially turning himself into the Baghdad Bob of sports talk radio. A great quote about how bad Michael has become is from the Washington Post's Redskin beat reporter Jason LaCanfora:

There's "The Voice of the Redskins" Larry Michael, who would spew the company line about anything, anytime. I'm not even sure he has to be asked anymore. I'm thinking the mindwashing is complete by now and Michael is thoroughly reprogrammed.

Its only natural to assume that one can expect 980 to eventually become similar to the existing Redskins Radio stations because Snyder isn't overly fond of media criticism since he got burned so bad when he first took control of the team and has been pummeled in the media since (including by this blog). Sadly for 980, it was and currently is the only sports talk radio station in town that is always critical of all of the sports teams in the nations capital, including the Redskins, and now that freedom to be critical of everything without big brother's corporate oversight might be lost.

Its almost a certainty that 980 will switch from being a Fox Sports Radio station and back to an ESPN Radio station (which it was before Snyder got the contract in 2006 with the creation of the Redskins Radio Network) which almost certainly means no more Czaban in the morning and back to the horrid Mike & Mike. That alone will make me listen to less radio...or maybe i'll have to tune into the Junkies...ugh. Lets hope that that will be the only change that Snyder implements. Even Jesus doesn't approve of this...

When I Cook Beef, The Smoke Will Never Clear

Bill O'Reilly is going be pissed when he finds out that his trumped-up war between GE and himself doesn't carry any weight. The real war doesn't even include him. We're talking News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch vs. Keith Olbermann.

Murdoch recently spoke at a Wall Street Journal conference and covered a wide range of topics from the presidential election to newspaper industry's decline. He was also asked a question about Keith Olbermann and whether he would hire him.

"No, I fired him five years ago...He's crazy."

Olbermann wasted no time in responding and elaborated on the circumstances of his firing from Fox Sports. It turns out he may have gotten involved in affairs that did not concern him such as the potential purchase of the Los Angeles Dodgers by Murdoch. Unfortunately he didn't have a sprightly Chinese sidekick to save his ass from the ax.

Here's Olbermann's response in full from Mediabistro.com.

Firstly, the quote is, according to AlleyInsider.Com, "he was crazy."

I appreciate the difference and apparently Rupert does, too.

But this is actually quite a news story (for a very small group of people who worked with me at Fox Sports, and people who covered tv at the time). I had already been the host of Fox's Baseball coverage for two years when, in April of 2001, I got a tip from outside NewsCorp that Rupert was unofficially shopping the Los Angeles Dodgers, which Murdoch at that time owned. I confirmed the story with an excellent baseball source, then immediately went up my chain of command at Fox. They all said "if it's solid, go with it," but I suggested we get the corporate viewpoint on this, so they put me in touch with Rupert's PR guy in New York.

I said, in short, this is your candy store, if you don't want me to run this, I'm not running it, and I'm not leaking it, but at minimum you should know the story's out there. And the guy's answer was, thanks for thinking of us, here's our official denial, please report it and whatever your sources tell you, just please make clear that none of your sources are within the company (baseball was, and is, extremely touchy about when a team is, or isn't, "officially" for sale, and woe betide the owner who makes a deal before the "officially" kicks in).

So I ran the Dodgers-Are-Unofficially-For-Sale story (with the "the sources aren't NewsCorp" caveat taking almost as long as the story itself) and everything was swell. And two weeks later, the day before the annual Fox Baseball Meeting convened in L.A., my agent was suddenly notified "he's no longer the host for baseball." This is a week or so before our first game of the week. A day or two later it was "come in and clean out your office."

And a day or so after that I got a call from a friend who's a prominent tv sports beat writer, and he says, I'm hearing Rupert Murdoch just found out about your Dodgers story and personally ordered you fired.

It had never crossed my mind that the two things weren't coincidental. I never could prove that that's what happened, but nor did I ever get any other answer as to why they took me off, considering that in two years we'd been twice nominated for the Emmy for best studio sportscast — and won once (with our competition being all the ESPN shows and hour-long NFL extravaganzas). Months later, the guy who ran sports, David Hill, told another tv sports beat writer that he still thought I was the best sportscaster in the world.

So: I appreciate Rupert finally owning up to firing me because I followed his rules.

And as to the "crazy" part, he had to pay me $800,000 for the rest of 2001, and lord knows how many tens of millions I've helped MSNBC take out of his pocket ever since — so: who's crazy?

Don't you know you don't cross Elliot Carver and his Aryan henchmen? I guess Olbermann didn't know the ledge. However he did get the better of Murdoch in Round 1. It's also interesting to see that Fox Sports is run in a similar fashion to Al-Jazerra English. Don't stray too far from the party line, Brett.

Wondering if Hideki Irabu is still awesome at sucking? Wonder no longer, my fat toad.

What's The Worst That Could Happen?

Donnie Walsh and the Knicks are hedging their bets and praying to Jesus, Buddha and Allah that Stephon Marbury won't be a problem this upcoming season. Don't count on it.

Perhaps an Aztec or Mayan sacrifice would do the trick. Here's a thought. Use Starbury for the sacrifice. If that's too messy, pour BBQ and hot sauce on him and let Eddy Curry eat him like a boa on a small mammal. He must have a detachable jaw. Problem solved either way. A salary cap hit is a small price to pay for peace of mind.

What Happened To Superstition?

Good thing Stevie Wonder's blind. He'd be crushed if he could see how the Lakers and Spurs are abandoning superstition. Whatever happened to not touching the championship trophy until you win it? No respect I tell ya.

Kobe's molesting the Larry O'Brien trophy during photo shoots like a Colorado hote....ah that's too easy. Meanwhile Kevin Garnett and Adidas are putting out special edition Team Signature Commander shoes for the NBA Finals.

Adidas will produce only eight pairs per game of this shoe to be sold at retail (as few as 28 and as many as 58, depending on the length of the Finals). One pair autographed by KG will be auctioned off on NBA.com after the Finals, with the proceeds going to NBA Cares community partners in the Boston area.

The shoe won't be launched until October but Garnett plans to wear a pair with the LOB trophy on the side. It seems like he's tempting fate but humping the trophy has to be much worse. Take note, sports books.

‘‘All season long it has been about we and not me, so as we head into the NBA Finals I wanted to do something special for the Boston community. That is why we came up with this limited edition shoe,’’ Garnett said in a statement. ‘‘Since day one, the fans of Boston have made me feel like family, so to do this and be able to give back to them is a great honor.’’

Auctioning off a pair of shoes should make KG as loved as Dave Roberts in Boston win or lose. The proceeds could surely feed a small African country like Djibouti or Uranus. We're only playing. At least he's doing something for the community unlike ODB.

It's Alive! The Return Of Inside the NFL

It didn't take long for Inside The NFL to make its return to the airwaves. NFL.com reports that Showtime and CBS Sports have decided to pick up the series for air on Showtime.

The show will be produced by CBS Sports and NFL Films and will premiere on Showtime on Wednesday, Sept. 10 (9 p.m. ET/PT). It will air each Wednesday throughout the season through Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2009 ... The talent team for Inside the NFL on Showtime will be announced in the coming weeks.

ProFootballTalk.com sources claim that the HBO cast will be replaced by CBS "talent" including Jim Nantz, Dan Marino, Boomer Esiason and Charlie Casserly.

It's understandable that CBS would want to use their current talent instead of using others that work for competing networks or who might be more expensive. The upside to using the current crop is that there's still a chance we could see the following again:





We notice Shannon Sharpe isn't rumored to be joining the rest of the NFL Today crew on Showtime. Hopefully this means they'll be adding an Emmitt Smith or Eric Dickerson.

Doomsday Device: The Cure For Vertigo

It's not bad enough that unsavory wrestling promoters screw over wrestlers. Now the medical profession thinks it can step in and take credit for maneuvers created by wrestlers.

MSNBC is reporting that the American Academy of Neurology has come up with a "series of gentle head and neck movements known as the canalith repositioning procedure" as the fastest, easiest way to cure BPPV or vertigo.

There's just one problem. They didn't come up with it. Aminal and Hawk may have something to say about that. They've been doing it since the 80s.

Jump to 7:30 unless you want to watch the whole match.

Forgiveness Please: The Alou-Bartman Story

Media outlets reported that Moises Alou forgave Steve Bartman for interfering in that fateful play during the 2003 NLCS. Of course, the Deuce was all over it like the best sports blogging team on the internet. We should just repeat that phrase in every post like a couple of insecure bloggers. Right, Wolf?

I was going to use a political analogy to describe the Alou-Bartman saga but I couldn't decide between Scott McClellan and Robert Byrd. It appears that Alou's advanced age and injuries have finally affected his mental, see. Either that or Alou was playing a cruel April Fool's joke on Bartman. It turns out that Alou now thinks he would have made that catch after all.

Joe Capozzi of the Palm Beach Post reports that Alou now says Bartman did prevent him from making that catch.

"I had it,'' Alou said Wednesday in the Mets' clubhouse. "I make that catch, (the playoffs would have been a) different story.''

In March, Associated Press columnist Jim Litke wrote that he ran into Alou last summer at a department store where the outfielder said he wouldn't have caught that famous foul that hit Bartman's hand in the eighth inning of Game 6, prolonging an inning in which the Marlins later rallied for the lead.

..."Everywhere I play, even now, people still yell, 'Bartman! Bartman!' I feel really bad," Alou, a Cubs left fielder in 2003, was quoted as saying. "You know what the funny thing is? I wouldn't have caught it anyway."

Wrong, Alou said Wednesday.

"I don't remember that,'' he said. "If I said that, I was probably joking to make (Bartman) feel better. But I don't remember saying that.''

Tony Tarasco feels your pain, Moises. Good thing Alou is on the permanent DL. He can nurse this hurt along with the physical ones.

Chelsea Yeah

I'm over Chelsea's loss in this season's Champions League final yeah. So's this Chelsea fan yeah.



What is penalties yeah? I'm Chelsea straight through and through like him yeah. I still love Winston Bogarde and Chris Sutton. I'll always love them yeah. Chelsea yeah?

Actual NYC Fight Club?

In Union Square, in the heart of NYC, a fight club exists. No it doesn't seem to be like the movie where the only rule of fight club is that you do not talk about fight club, the site And I Am Not Lying got tipped to it by an email from a friend. Its also not done at night in a basement of a dive bar, its done in broad daylight in the middle of a park. The fighting however, is very real.

Take this guy below for example, Mr. Afro Puffs we'll call him. This guy's fighting style consists of taking wild ass swings with one arm, while the other one is behind his back. All while intimidating the opponent with a duck over his crotch, for protection of course.

There's a couple more videos by And I Am Not Lying here and you should totally check out that site with a great breakdown of the events along with some investigative blogging that we could only hope to come close to doing...but never will

Anyway here's the videos:

It figures that something like this would happen in NYC, I'd love to see it happen here in DC, but I doubt the authorities would allow it to happen. Too many killjoys here in our nations capital. If anyone else finds more of these, send us some pics, we'd love to see it.

From And I Am Not Lying

All The Shards Of Glass You Can Handle

There's something glorious about watching a basketball player shatter a backboard with a thunderous dunk. Its even more special to watch a 4 minute compilation of dunks destroying backboards. This is just fun right here.

What has 10 legs, $300, and a hell of a lot of balls?

This guy. This kid apparently doesn't take "Get Out!" for an answer. Not only did he throw the octopus in the Pens arena, but he had the guts (and money) to sneak back in with a scalped ticket. I'm sure his face made it onto the JumboTron as he was esscorted out so he is damn lucky this game wasn't on the other side of Pennsylvania. Flyers fans would've kicked his ass.

Rasheed Wallace Has Nothing On Andre Luis

Rasheed Wallace is known for being an ejection magnet. His ability to attract technicals and flagrants knows no bounds. He could be one of the most prolific athletes when comes to getting bounced. Botafogo's Andre Luis might have something to say about that.

Luis was sent off after receiving a second yellow for a foul. Instead of leaving peacefully, he flipped off the crowd, kicked a bottle into the stands, rumbled with the riot police causing his teammates to get involved and was re-arrested only after the police had to use batons and pepper spray on him and his fellow players.



Nice to see the coppers have time for an interview while beating and arresting players. Cops em Brasil could be a hit. The bar has just been raised, Sheed.

If You Want To Be The Best You Must Beat The Best

This is just stupid, but hey, its friday.

Blame the shoes, Mariah.

Always, blame the shoes.

Eagles and Cowboys Fight For Spot Under The Bus

Training camp is still months off and the NFC East is falling into the Redskins hands. Maybe that's a bit much. A Dan Snyder-owned team will always implode like Six Flags. However the Eagles and Cowboys are busy fighting for room under the proverbial bus.

Former Eagle Hugh Douglas ripped Eagles OT Winston Justice for getting his ass handed to him last season in the Eagles loss to the Cowboys Giants in which QB Donovan McNabb was sacked 12 times.

"If they don't bite when they're puppies, they're not going to bite when they're grown dogs,'' Douglas, the former Eagles Pro Bowl defensive end, said over the phone last night, repeating what he has said about Justice on WIP-610 AM's Morning Show. "It just doesn't look like he has any fight in him. If you look at his demeanor, it's like he's not even a football player.''

..."It's one thing to be out-talented by Osi Umenyiora,'' Douglas said last night. "Everybody gets beat. But do something, anything, to keep that guy away from your quarterback - grab him, bite him, something.''

Way to boost the kid's morale. Umenyiora must be drooling at facing Justice again. He had six sacks last September. He may break double digits in their first game next season.

Things aren't much better in Texas where Terence Newman wasted no time in calling out Roy Williams for "being poor in pass coverage and [implying] that he needs to keep his weight down". He also alluded to Williams getting the "deer in the headlights" look during plays.

Calling Williams out in public will no doubt lead to better play next season. Pacman is getting more love from the Cowboys these days. Royboy may want to point out that Newman doesn't have a NFL rule named after him that prevents people from snappin' a neck. Then again going on a cruise instead of showing up to OTAs may not be the best way to fight the criticism.

Carlos Queiroz Wants To Start A War

One would think the pressure would be off Manchester United assistant Carlos Queiroz after completing the double this season. In the words of an American resident idiot (the sign), "not so fast, my friends".

Queiroz is losing his mind over the protracted battle with Real Madrid over the future of Cristiano Ronaldo.

"Cristiano Ronaldo will never be Spanish! As they will never take Olivenca again," he told the Portuguese newspaper Jornal de Noticias, referring to the small town on the disputed border between the two countries. He also delved further into the historic rivalry, alluding to explorer Christopher Columbus – who both countries claim as their own – and the Spanish Philippine Dynasty, which ruled Portugal from 1580 until the bloodless revolution of 1640.

"They already did the same with Christopher Columbus, and it now seems they want to naturalise Cristiano Ronaldo," the United No 2 added. "Have they already forgotten what we did to them in the past? We will never lose our patience."

With Portugal preparing for Euro 2008, Queiroz knows the furore could not have come at a worse time. "It's being done in a manner to distract the Portugal team, at the height of their preparations for the European Championships," he said. "But I am convinced that despite pressure from the Spanish press he will not change his nationality."

Sounds like someone could use a horse tranquilizer or a roofie-filled burger. Hopefully Queiroz's words will start an Iberian conflict that will work as a cover so Portugal and Spain can annex Andorra like the Sudetenland. Mwhahaha! I love it when a plan comes together.

Bobby Petrino: The Missing Link

Who would have thought the missing link would be in Arkansas? Fine, we've all thought that at some point in our lives. What you didn't know is that there are several missing links. You have the one between man and ape. You have "Jammin" Joe LaRue who is the missing link between man and god. Then you have the missing link between man and ostrich. Bobby Petrino.

Petrino, head football coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, gave his sob story to the media about being unaware of the fallout from his cowardly exit from the Atlanta Falcons job to take the Arkansas job.

Petrino said that he threw himself into the Arkansas job and was not aware of the media beating he was receiving.

"It was hard on my family. It was hard on my wife and my kids, but I didn't hear a lot of it," Petrino said. "That was probably good."

For months Petrino declined to be interviewed except for the local media that covers Arkansas football. But when he arrived at the SEC meetings he agreed to meet with the media contingent that regularly covers the league.

Petrino was pressed on whether, in hindsight, he could have handled his departure from Atlanta differently.

"Not that I know of," he said. "Because of the timing of it and both sides of the fence, that is kind of how it worked out. It was a situation where you have no other choice."

Sometimes a weasel gotta be a weasel, playboy.

Alabama head coach Nick Saban was unavailable for comment as he's locked away in his office trying to figure out other ways to get around NCAA recruiting guidelines.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: "Office Faceplant"

Its not sports and I don't care. This is freakin hilarious. I hope she ended up ok, but it sure looks like she hurt a lot.

Cheese dip and grape Kool-Aid? Really, dude?

Imagine Tyrell Johnson and Kwame Brown at a Michelin-starred restaurant. Gold.

Russell Crowe Gets Some Of His Own Medicine

Russell Crowe could not say Sunday was a good day for him. Peter Holmes a Court, part-owner of the South Sydney Rabbitohs along with Crowe, resigned as chairman and coach Jason Taylor gave Crowe an earful.

The Rabbitohs are at the bottom of the National Rugby League table "with only one win in 10 games and the club has lost $4 million in its first year under its new owners". Crowe was on the end of a verbal beatdown from Taylor after bringing in another coach as a consultant. Needless to say, Taylor didn't take this too well.

THE Souths coach, Jason Taylor, was swearing and shaking his head. The Hollywood actor Russell Crowe listened, stony-faced and chain-smoking.

The friction at South Sydney was evident at 6.30am yesterday outside Bar Coluzzi on Victoria Street, Darlinghurst.

As predicted in yesterday's Herald, the board also appointed the premiership-winning coach John Lang as a consultant - a blow to Taylor, who wasn't taking the news well at Bar Coluzzi yesterday morning. One patron observed that Taylor and Crowe had "faces like death"; another suggested "faces like thunder".

"They were super-grim. Not happy chappies. Rusty was chain-smoking. He was fairly calm, smoking darts, while Taylor was really agitated saying things like, 'This bloke has let me down' and 'That bloke has let me down'. Taylor was also saying things like, 'What's the time-frame for this?"'

Crowe didn't take it to heart when Marcus Aurelius said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back." Where was that smile, sport?

Taylor could have completed the circle if he smashed Crowe on the head with a phone. Some curse would have been lifted had he followed through. He better cut back on those Hollywood commitments.

ESPN Might Have Gotten Something Right

One Remote To Rule Them All, One Remote To Find Them, One Remote To Bring Them All And In The Darkness Bind Them!

This might be the most badass remote control ever made, it is the ESPN "Ultimate Remote Control". This sucker connects via wi-fi to get you program guides, sports scores, play-by-play, as well as team and player stats. If you were even a sucker of gigantic proportions and bought into ESPN's fantasy leagues, you could check your fantasy scores from this. Not enough? Well you can also check news, weather, tv listings, and personalized program guides too. Still not enough? Well, the remote also allows you to text to mobile phones, email or other ESPN remotes so you can talk smack during the game while never having to put down the clicker.

Lordy, I hope this thing comes with a charger because it's going to be sucking down some serious batteries when being used to its full extent. I can easily see myself watching one football game, checking the results of another game on the remote, then texting several people when my team scores a touchdown and then having this behemoth die on me after about 20 minutes of constant use. In a word though, this thing is sick...and a little steep at $299, but ya know, one good trip to Vegas can score enough cash for this sucker (in theory that is).

Looks like they took what little technology they had in their ESPN Mobile phones and turned it into what people really want...a remote control to rule all the other remotes all while doing what remote controls are supposed to do, make your life easier. No longer will you have to sit in front of the television with your laptop in your lap, a cell phone in one hand and the remote in the other. No, those days are long gone with this as it is all you need. One remote to rule them all, one remote to find them, one remote to bring them all...ya know the rest.

Get the ESPN "Ultimate Remote Control" here on Amazon

Steve Atwater, Ray Crockett, Al Smith, Blaine Bishop, Carlos Emmons and Clyde Simmons do not care that you died, someone must pay up for their losses. So they sued the NFL and NFLPA. Good luck with that one.

Man Falls Off Bike, Bike Doesn't Care

This is pretty cool footage shot from a motorcycle's on-board camera. The rider in this race falls off his bike however, in a fortuitous turn of events for the fallen racer, somehow the bike stays upright. The man sees this, avoids being hit by other racers, runs back to and catches up with his bike and then continues his race. Awesome.

MMA Fighter Found Himself In A Sh*tty Situation

Saturday night at the Alexandria Riverfront Center in Louisiana, an MMA fighter by the name of Corey Wethey got this shit knocked out of him...literally.

In the first round of Wethey's fight his opponent, Fred Mitchell, gave him a knee to the body so hard, it caused him to lose all control of his bowels:

After landing a knee to Wethey's body, Mitchell said he began to smell something foul.

As the fight prolonged, Mitchell said the smell continued to worsen. Eventually, he removed his mouth piece and expressed his concerns to the ring official.

"He s--- himself," Mitchell said repeatedly.

As the round progressed, news about Wethey's intestinal difficulties slowly made its way to the ring officials, who were at a loss of what to do.

Once the round ended, Wethey told his corner what happened and quickly was evacuated from the ring.

After Mitchell's win was announced, he took the microphone and proclaimed to the crowd, "You can say I beat the crap out of him."

There are two hilarious points to this story 1) a man shit himself in a fighting ring and 2) at one point, that man realized the shitting could be advantageous and he found a way to lock his opponent's head between his shitty legs forcing him to be in perilously close proximity to the offending bodily discharge.

At least if Wethey ever fights again he will have a built in nickname. I'm voting for Dookie. Corey "Dookie" Wethey has such a nice flow to it. I hope he has a day job and I hope whomever works at that day job with Dookie uploads some video of the reception that he gets when he arrives on Tuesday morning.

From TheTownTalk

When Sensitivity Training Goes Wrong

Nice work by Fark to dig up this old hotness.



Whatever happened to Lester Spaight? How is he not getting more recognition for his work? If that big Green Mile muthafucka can get some love, it's about time Lester did too. They're doing him like Hal Williams. It's ain't right.

Still Think Avram Grant Should Have Kept His Job?

You won't after reading about how Avram Grant was more nervous than his players before the Champions League finals against Manchester United.

Adventures in Cheap-Asstackery

So, Washington DC has built the Lerner family-owned Nationals one hell of a shiny new stadium to the tune of $650,000,000. It even opened on time. I seem to recall Ryan Zimmerman hitting a game winning home run on opening night!

Apparently, though 45,000 fans packed into the stadium handing the Lerners $8 for a beer doesn't mean the stadium is "complete". See, the team offices in the stadium still need some spit and polish, so the city is letting them use the old RFK offices for free until all the "Hang in There Baby" posters can be leveled. Do the Lerners say "thanks for the new home, looking forward to the new offices"? Of course not, that wouldn't be up to the high standards of DC-area sports owner douche-bagocracy. Nope, instead, they try to get another $100k/day out of the city and its taxpayers. Hmmm, wonder what they would do with that extra money. Players who can hit the ball? Pitchers who can actually get it over the plate? Or maybe they'll just squeeze in a few more seats behind home plate that noone wants to pay for.

Your Champions League Handicapper

You want to know who to support in today's Champions League final. Go with the winner.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas who is a Manchester United fan questioned Kevin Garnett's loyalty to Chelsea.

Ilgauskas said: “We talked about it after one of the games because I had spoken to our local paper and said KG wasn’t really a proper Chelsea fan.

“I didn’t know he was such a big fan so he was giving me a hard time.

“I guess he really is a big Chelsea fan!”

Winners stick with winners. That's all you need to know. Now I go hide in a corner with my thoughts until 2:45.

Pete Doherty: Sportsman

Babyshambles' Pete Doherty is like school on a Saturday. No class. If he's not combining with Amy Winehouse to form a diseased, drug-addled version of Voltron, he's getting kicked out of Millwall's ground.

Doherty was "escorted" from The Den by security after being caught pissing in a trophy in the chairman's office.

One of the security guards was tipped off that Pete was trying to take a trophy. When he checked it out he found that Pete wasn’t nicking it, he was filling it up. He is a huge QPR fan and thought it would be a laugh to leave a little surprise.

You would think they would have hauled him into a backroom and beat that ass like a rented mule. Their hooligans probably didn't want to get any number of diseases from any transfer or contact with his bodily fluid. The fluid combination of him and Winehouse is probably more deadly than a komodo dragon's saliva.

The Spurs Can't Get No Respect

Hey Fabricio, don't tell 'em you're Argentinian? Oh you are? Get out of my hotel.

The San Antonio Spurs are going to the Western Conference Finals for the umpteenth time and they still can't get any love. They were forced to sleep on their plane after winning their Game 7 against the Hornets due to mechanical problems and a lack of hotel rooms in New Orleans. It's a shame to think the hotel industry showed more defense and outside perimeter hustle than the Hornets.

It's a good thing the Spurs found a place to sleep. If this happens late in their series against the Lakers or in the Finals should they get there, they may end up ass out. Their airline, Champion Air is going out of business. They better hope they don't get Detroit in the finals. You ever try sleeping outside in Detroit? I've seen Robocop. I want no part of that.

Then again Boston wouldn't be much better. A bunch of guys named Sully would probably mess with them every night in the park. "Hey why is theah ah so many blackies in the pahk?"

I Won't Not Never Do It Again

If you missed Ernie Johnson's interview with Charles Barkley about his gambling debt on the TNT pregame show last night, here's the video.



Barkley says he can handle it on his own and says he's not going to gamble again before qualifying it by saying he won't gamble for a year... Best of luck to Sir Charles.

Bring the ruckus in Moscow? That's a beatin'.

Moose Has Pacman Fever

Daryl Johnston likes him some Pacman. He thinks the locker room can keep him in check and make him the Pacman on the right. That sounds like Bill Maas silly talk. You can't hold the Pacman.

Feed the Children is code for Take Care of the Kid. That's what he's gonna be telling the Dallas-area strippers as he makes it rain. Who knows? T.O. might even get him involved in some porn.

You Do Not Know Who You Are F**king With

David Beckham ain't about to take shit from a guy who can't even spell Serious. Watch his reaction to a hard tackle from FC Dallas defender, Adrian Serioux.



Beckham wasn't content with Serioux's sending off.

As Serioux tromped off the field at Pizza Hut Park, Beckham blew him a couple of kisses and then curled up his fingers and gave him a few farewell waves. That riled up the record crowd of 22,331, and from then on they booed Beckham every time he touched the ball.

Beckham's response? After laying on the perfect cross for Edson Buddle to head home his third goal of the game and the Galaxy's fifth, Beckham turned to the crowd and put his right forefinger to his lips in a shushing motion."

You mess with Goldenballs and you get the boot.

I Used To Believe In You, JaMarcus

Jamarcus Russell with Fats Domino. See that's the idea.

My disappointment knows no bounds. JaMarcus Russell showed up to Raiders minicamp only weighing in at 269 pounds. I expected better of him. Rumors had him weighing over three bills. That's the kind of dedication that shows me something. I wanted him so fat that he couldn't get his fingers between the laces. I wanted to see him run out of breath walking from the huddle to the line. It would have made the Raiders ineptitude so much more fun to watch. Football is dead to me unless JaMarcus bacons up that sausage or changes his name to Jermajesty.

Francesco Totti Sleeps With The Fishes

The Roma striker may have ended up floating in the Tiber if Inter Milan's tailor had his way.

Tailor Domenico Brescia was "revealed to be a convicted murderer who is close to the Crisafulla Mafia clan". The Telegraph reports that Italian police suspect he is also a coke dealer.

Brescia's telephone was tapped and thousands of conversations were taped including ones with Inter players and manager Roberto Mancini. Most calls were innocent. Others? Not so much.

However, in one call Mr Mancini is recorded discussing Daniele Bizzozzero, a Mafioso associate of Brescia's who had fled to Monte Carlo and then Paris in a bid to escape the police.

"What happened to him," Mr Mancini is heard asking. "How was he arrested? I told him to stay [in Paris] and wait for a pardon."

Brescia then said that Bizzozzero was stupid, to which Mr Mancini replied: "He has always behaved well with me."

What the hell is Mancini doing telling some Mafia guy to stay on the lam? How does he have knowledge of this situation?

Mancini is most likely out of a job after winning the Scudetto this past weekend even after fans harassed Luis Figo for allegedly running over a black cat on purpose. Rumors have Mancini replacing Avram Grant at Chelsea next season. Just what we need. A shady Russian owner and a Mafia consigliere. I suspect the number of favorable calls on the pitch will shoot up should Mancini take over the reins.

Police don't intend to prosecute anyone at Inter because that's the Italian way from Berlusconi on down. The club claimed to have let Brescia go after finding out the full extent of his criminal history yet the conversation with Mancini shows that some at the club knew his background.

I'm not going to front. I still think Jean-Claude Van Damme is brilliant. I can't wait for The Quest II: Electric Boogaloo. However this is nowhere near brilliant.

You Sir Are A Buffoon

The goalkeeping magic continues...

Chris Henry: Visionary

Old and busted: Cincinnati Bengals
New hotness: Miami Dolphins

Not many among us are prescient beings. Most of you go through life stumbling from one unfortunate incident to the next hoping that it's not as bad as the one before it. There are the few who have the ability to see the future. Like Nostradamus and Warren Buffet, Chris Henry is one of the few.

The Miami Dolphins have already had four players in trouble with the law this off-season. Will Allen was just the latest. The former Bengal knows trouble when he sees it and he's not going to miss his opportunity to be part of Cincinnati South under Bill Parcells.

Talented former Bengals receiver Chris Henry, on house arrest, said by phone he ''would love to play for'' the Dolphins, Saints or Cowboys. But it's hard to fathom Bill Parcells pursuing someone who has had multiple legal problems and faces a potential NFL suspension after a March arrest for misdemeanor assault and criminal damage. ''That situation isn't what it seems,'' Henry said. ``I regret a lot that has happened.''

Me thinks the man that tolerated a raging coke fiend like LT should have no problem with Henry. He's embraced Ricky Williams and ostracized Jason Taylor. We see where his priorities are and so does Chris Henry.

We Were All On Vacation!

Being a British secret agent? Priceless. Losing your job because your wife was one of the prostitutes involved in the Max Mosley nazi sex orgy? Nah, that's priceless.

In an extraordinary turn of events yesterday, MI5 was forced to deny through Whitehall channels that the orgy had been a “sting” that it had set up to discredit Mosley. “Any suggestion that the service was involved in setting up Mosley is total nonsense,” a senior Whitehall official said.

The official did disclose, however, that one of MI5’s officers had left the agency after his wife’s involvement as a call girl in the orgy became known. “I cannot talk about individual cases, but we do expect high standards of behaviour from all staff at all times, both professionally and privately,” the official said.

The officer forced to resign was working in surveillance. How the hell do you miss seeing this? The MI5 officer's wife Mistress Abi was the one that sold the story to the News of the World.

Mosley is the current head of F1 racing and was caught on tape engaging in an orgy with a Nazi theme. His father was a well known facsist in the 30s and 40s who witnessed Adolf Hitler's wedding in addition to heading up a fascist party in Britain.

Straight cash homey.

Clinton Portis Is A Fan of Country Music

Clinton Portis is a fan of country music or he just likes to keep his boss happy...or maybe just both. In any case, Portis was spotted at the 2008 Country Music Awards, which is, coincidentally enough, now owned by Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder as part of his $175 million purchase of Dick Clark Productions. I wonder if he was the Danny's date? Its a wonder that Chad Johnson didn't make an appearance at the event in some crazy attempt to give Snyder another reason to want to trade for him. Kid Bro Sweets knows where his bread is buttered, Johnson should've known how to play the game right. Clinton also knows not to get his picture taken at such an event because attendance at such an event immediately lowers a bit of his street cred and with no available photographic proof, he can always use plausible denial...and he doesn't end up looking like this jackass.
(AP Photo/Isaac Brekken)
From WTOP

T.O. seems to get by with short arms especially when he goes across the middle. Chris Williams should have no problem at all.

Dwayne Wade Now Owns God

Dwayne Wade loves two things very much, his mother and God. Lucky for him, his mother loves God too, so it only seems natural then that he'd buy his mom her very own church called the Temple of Praise. Having her own church will allow Jolinda Wade to tell the tales of a life that started with crime and drugs and only began to actually make sense to her after she found God.

You see, there was a time when Jolinda Wade was a fugitive from the law, a drug dealer and user and eventually a prisoner. Her life finally got turned around while in jail and she started preaching. She later became a Baptist minister and hasn't looked back, and now, she's got her own church thanks to her boy, D-wade. Whattaguy.

"My mother is not the kind of person who will come to me and ask me for this kind of favor. She's so thankful for even the little things I've done for her," Dwyane Wade said. "But it's the dream of every man, every boy, to be able to give their mother everything they want. So that was my dream and this is her dream. To me, that makes this perfect."

So why am I publishing this story, you ask? No, its not because I found that awesome Photoshop, it is because its not everyday you hear an athlete buy a church, but I'm now wondering why more haven't?

Why waste your cash on an inevitably doomed to fail car wash or restaurant or bar or auto dealership when you can throw some cash down on something that is pretty much fail-proof, a church! Sure they are technically non-profit, but that basically just means Uncle Sam isn't taking any of your cizzash yo'! You plop down a ton of D-Wade Baptist Churches all over town, have yourself on the board, draw a modest salary once you retire from basketball, and BAM, instant cash for life plus amazing public goodwill because no one is gonna talk shit about you being Godly. If Magic can make movie theaters and Starbucks work for him, certainly D-Wade can become the Magic Johnson of the religious industrial complex? Its a brilliant scheme plan.

D-wade Last Supper Pic from Dave Barry's Blog
Story from Canadian Press

You Couldn't Try This If You Tried

"You're gone! You are with little rabbits! You are in the pen!"

What does that even mean? I don't know but this is one hell of a try and a conversion afterwards. Don't sleep on rugby.

By Thor's hammer! Chick-fil-A is revamping its menu for health reasons. Bastards. Checkers will never change.

When Making It Rain Goes Wrong

What's happened to Money Mayweather? He appears on the WWE and now he's making Pacman Jones look good up in the club. At least Pacman kept it real when he made it rain in Vegas even if he proceeded to take his money back and tear up the club afterwards. When we say keeping it real, we mean he used real money.

Floyd Mayweather could be the target of federal investigators after allegedly making it rain at a club with counterfeit money.

My photographer Freddy O was almost arrested at a gas station this morning after trying to pay for gas with one of the counterfeit $100 bills that boxer Floyd Mayweather tossed in the air at Club PURE last night.

According to Fred (and several others in attendance) Mayweather’s “boys” were handing him the stacks of hundreds.

There is speculation that one of his “boys” switched out the real hundreds for the counterfeit hundreds and kept the real cash for himself. I would be inclined to believe that maybe Floyd didn’t know what his boys were doing, except that this has happened before!

Some club patrons in Las Vegas also complained about Mayweather tossing counterfeit bills earlier this year. We’re not talking fake bills of the copy machine variety - we’re talking print shop quality counterfeit bills.

Sandra Rose offers up what it says is proof of the counterfeit bills. The site also says Mayweather exaggerates his wealth. Shocking. A real rapper (lyrics NSFW) would never lie about his paper. Oscar de la Hoya should pay Money in fake bills for their rematch.

You Crossed The Line. People Trusted You And They Died. You Gotta' Go Down

Don't act like you haven't been longing for this. You need it. Vaya con Dios, brah.

Reggie Bush Needs An Intervention

Is Master P involved in sports representation again? We only ask because Reggie Bush could be making some poor (well, idiotic) decisions and obviously his agent is not doing his job. Let's start with the obvious. It's not good for a football player's image to seriously date a transvestite. Maybe a funny tranny like Eddie Izzard would fly but I see no evidence of humor in or around Kim Kardashian.

It's not clear that Kardashian's a tranny with business sense either. That's not stopping Reggie Bush from letting her handle his business affairs when it comes to entertainment. That bastion of truthiness MediaTakeout.com reports that Bush is allegedly allowing Kardashian to take control of his entertainment career. This doesn't include his sports interests.

If this rumor is true, someone needs to check Bush before he wrecks himself since his agent is nowhere to be found. Kardashian's supposed to help him with television and movie roles. What would she know about that? Besides her reality show, she has no experience with anything outside of playing a status ho and celebutard. In her defense, she does play them very well. She's been desperate for years and she finally found some sucka to take her on.

Bush needs to focus on football. His football career has been average at best and his acting is nothing of note. Then again we shouldn't completely crush him. It's quite progessive of him to publicly date a tranny. Hopefully this will begin to change people's opinions of them and see that they can be as shallow as the rest of us. Hooray for cookies!

Orioles Magic: Feel It Happen

I'm still a bit troubled by the Baltimore Orioles start. I don't want to believe because they let me down every year after getting off to a hot start. This season does seem different so far. Maybe it's because they brought back Orioles Magic.

Orioles Magic 2008
by gatecitycanes

I'm not going to front. I've loved this song since I used to watch the O's at Memorial Stadium. Let's see Chimp Rage pull a Nats song out of his ass to match this old hotness. Yeah that's right. He can't. However if they get Paul Lo Duca, Elijah Dukes, Da Meat Hook, Lastings Milledge and Jesus Flores to collaborate, Orioles Magic could have some competition.

What They Do Indeed

The real David Banner could turn into the Incredible Hulk or Lou Ferrigno once something or someone pissed him off. He was even polite enough to request that you not anger him. The rapper David Banner do what they do. He's all show like most rappers. Instead of renting a ride and house, he rented an off-brand Lou known to you as Barry Bonds. Here's to keeping it real at :46. Fuck a transform.




Video from New York Daily News I-Team.

Cheeseracing!

Sure, its not really a sport, but I have been slacking posting this week due to power outages and my regular drinking binges. Speaking of drinking binges, someone had to be real drunk to think of this "new sport". Its called Cheese Racing.

Its a simple sport to participate in, all you need is a BBQ grill and individually wrapped slices of cheese. Ya put the cheese on the smoking hot grill and see whose cheese package fully inflates the quickest. Full inflation means that all four corners have raised up off the grill. Even if you spring a leak, it isnt a disqualification. So...thats it.

I had no idea that they wrapped cheese so tightly that when placed on a grill the cheese will boil inside the package. I also didn't realize that the plastic they use to wrap the cheese is completely impervious to fire. They should use this shit to wrap race cars in or something.

Check out the Cheese Racing site here

Fist Pump On A D**k? That's A Bit Much

A message to Goose Gossage and David Dellucci. Shut up. The bitching and moaning over Joba Chamberlain's celebrations needs to stop. This issue is bigger than Joba so don't take us for Yankee apologists. Yankee fans have a hard-on for Joba. He can do no wrong in their eyes. He could give a newborn baby a spinning roundhouse kick out the window at St. Vincent's, fist pump, yell and Yankee fans would blow a load about his heart.

Goosage whines about Joba's celebrations not being the "Yankees way" and he's right. They aren't and that's what makes him refreshing. For all the talk about tradition, the Yankees are a stodgy, corporate faceless club with no personality. There's no denying their history or accomplishments but to root for the Yankees is to root for the mind-numbing efficiency one expects from a clock. Any excitement is generated by John Sterling warbling "The Yankees win!" or Suzy Waldman blubbering over a deserved loss as though someone ran over her mother. Even when the Yankees are winning, it seems like punching the clock at the sweatshop. No doubt real Yankees fans love their team but to decry shows of emotion and excitement on the field seems odd considering how rabid the fans get.

Drooling local sports radio idiots and ex-players like Gossage yell about "acting like you've been there" and respect for the game. Implying players like Joba respect the game less than other players is absurd. Save that for Pete Rose and Art Schlichter. These critics try to elevate the game to the level of heart surgery. It's as though calling it a game and treating it as such is an affront or insult to their work. There's a fear of not being taken seriously. No one denies the hard work and dedication it takes to become and stay a professional athlete. It's something most can only hope to do. However when it comes down to it, it's still a game and people seem to forget that. I'm sure Dan Patrick wasn't alone when he was going on and on about celebrating your office job. Can we please drop this bullshit comparison? No one really thinks the job of pro athlete compares to humping your desk eight hours a day. Sport is more than work. Sport is about winning. Sport is entertainment. Sport is emotion. Consulting is not being able to explain what you do. I digress.

Of course there's a limit and there is a thing as too much. Taunting would fall under that category. A fist pump doesn't come close to the wrong side. A fist pump on your dick? That's a bit much. There's also something to be said for pitchers that don't bat. It should be equal opportunity but life ain't fair.

Current players like Dellucci and Nelson Figueroa of the Mets need to chill. If a fist pump gets you worked up, you might have some other issues. Figueroa called the Nats "softball girls" because they were celebrating in the dugout. Guess what? It worked. Maybe he should have spent less time paying attention to them and more getting them out. Sexist twat. Me thinks that's fear of the minors talking. Bottom line? Everyone needs to chill the fuck out. It's a game. Yeah it's a job too. Let the kid do his thing. He'll grow out of it or batters will beat him like a rented mule. It's not like he's taunting the batters or throwing broken bats at them. If he does, then the batter must do what he must. Just don't be Robin Ventura.

Do You Feel Lucky

You have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

Yes. Yes I do.

Shit, guess I’m fucked.

Clint Eastwood is bringing the grizzly detective back one more time just to kill him off. We think this is a solid idea. We’re not opposed to seeing another Dirty Harry movie especially if we know it exists to give Harry a proper sendoff into the afterlife or to a dirt nap for all you atheists out there. More actors should consider a similar end for their characters. We’re looking at you, Sly. The world is begging for another Stop or My Mom Will Shoot or Judge Dredd 2: Electric Boogaloo. Rob Schneider needs a job soon before Deuce Bigalow becomes a documentary. Bonus points for Stallone if he kills off Dredd and his annoying sidekick.

The demise of Dirty Harry got us thinking. What if athletes resumed their careers just so they could go out in a blaze of glory? We tried to keep this to players are currently retired but no reason why it can’t involve active players. This probably won’t work but I’m not turning back now.

Michael Vick

Vick is released from jail and has to return to football in order to pay off his debts. He makes a team as a reserve running back only to be called into action as QB when the starter and backup both get injured. He throws for 275 yards and four touchdowns. He also runs for 89 yards and one touchdown. He becomes the new starter and his team makes a successful run to the playoffs. Vick wins Comeback Player of the Year. Meanwhile a cure for herpes is found and PETA forgives him for his past transgressions. Everything’s coming up Mexico. Vick invites his teammates to his modest house to celebrate their first-round bye. A neighbor in his cul-de-sac is washing his F-150 in his driveway. His dog jumps in the driver’s seat after smelling the Snausages his owner was eating under the seat. It inadvertently knocks the truck into drive. It rolls down the driveway and picks up speed on the decline. It flies onto Vick’s lawn and nails him just as he’s giving a toast proclaiming he’s king of the world again.

Mark Chmura

After several years out of the game and having to hear Brett Favre constantly go back and forth about coming back, Chewie decides to make his own comeback as a way to make people forget about his molestiness. He talks his way into a tryout with the Packers and somehow makes the team when every starting tight end in the NFL comes down with Ebola after a Oxfam charity trip to the Congo. The worst part is none of the Congolese know what the NFL is and keep asking the TE’s if they can give up Dikembe Mutombo’s number. Chewie's contributions end up helping Aaron Rodgers and the Packers make the NFC Championship game. They win the game in overtime and Chewie shows up big time. He pays for some teammates to hit Acapulco with him to celebrate. While they’re down there, they get separated and he runs into a cute underage girl. He can’t resist the urge and convinces her to come back to his room with her. He makes them some drinks and the next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hot tub full of ice and missing a kidney. To top it off, he suffers frostbite and has to have his foot amputated.

Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds

Roger Clemens comes back to some desperate team. Barry Bonds who just came back after finally being signed kills him with a line drive to the face only to then be killed by Mark McGwire who just came back and in a 'Roid rage fit crushes his skull when Bonds fails to tag home base after a home run. McGwire is then killed by Sammy Sosa who just came back and injects McGwire with antifreeze because Miguel Tejada told him it will make him huge, who then kills himself by accidentally shooting himself while sneezing. Fin.

Once An Assclown, Always An Assclown

How could we forget Inter Milan/Italy star Marco Materazzi? He was the victim of a brutal head butt from Zinedine Zidane during the last World Cup. Oh how we cried for him. Turns out he's an asshole who deserved the head butt and it's too bad his chest didn't cave in.

One would think he would have learnt some humility but he's an Italian footballer so no such luck. One game left and Inter is nursing a slim lead over Roma for the Scudetto (Seria A Champion) thanks to another moment of madness from Materazzi against Siena yesterday.

A penalty was awarded to Inter in the 78th minute and striker Julio Cruz stepped up to take the kick. Materazzi decided that he wanted to be the hero so he pushed Cruz out of the way with his manager yelling at him and took the kick. He missed. He didn't just miss. It was an awful kick. Witness the shame that is Marco Materazzi at :23.



The game ended in a 2-2 draw. Inter fans showed up expecting to celebrate a title and instead yelled "Get back to work!" at the team after the match. That karma's a bitch.

Is Dwyane Wade Turning Into Britney Spears

What the hell is going on with Dwyane Wade? His flight path seems to be taking a downward trajectory similar to Britney Spears. She had it all only to throw it away and turn into an unmitigated disaster. We’re not saying Wade is going to get knocked up by some Heat dancer but things aren’t looking too good for him these days. Only two years ago, he was on top of the world. NBA Champion, commercial darling, etc. Now is not good. Yes? The Heat? Fail. Star Jones? Fail. His new restaurant? Fail.

D. Wade’s Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after only two months. The Palm Beach Post reports that the restaurant opened to mixed reviews, little advertising and no D-Wade. He only showed up once since it opened.

“A note on the closed Boca restaurant's door tells fans to head to Fort Lauderdale, home of the only other D. Wade's. A third is in the works in Aventura.”

Hmm where have I heard of a similar situation? Oh that’s right. Britney’s restaurant.

Not only is another D. Wade’s in the works but he’s also looking to get into gourmet Chinese with Alonzo Mourning. Oh yeah I’m going to get Chinese from Zo and D-Wade. I’m also going to get sushi from Popeye Jones, Elijah Dukes and Raekwon while I’m at it. Rae’s a chef after all. You would have thought Star could have kept the restaurant going by herself. Don’t let that staple gun action fool you. She can still bring the ruckus.

Let’s run down the list. Britney cheated on Justin Timberlake and ended up with Kevin Federline. Wade’s marriage is falling apart and he’s seen hanging with Star Jones. Britney was on top of the charts and selling out shows before crashing and burning on the VMAs. Wade was an NBA championship team which has become a lottery team that can’t sell half their seats.** Her restaurant failed miserably and so did his. He hasn’t quite caught the crazy yet but hanging with Star Jones is definitely suspect.

Wade could use an intervention before it’s too late. We suggest Sir Charles and Montell Williams ambush him Cheaters style when he’s out with Star and break him down on camera. Fuck the whales. Save the Wade!


**We can’t put attendance on him. Sports have no business in Miami. They could be some of the worst fans in America.

Lucas Licht Is Better Than You

National Xtreme Baseball Is Finally Upon Us

May 10th 2008...a day that will live in infamy as National Xtreme Baseball starts its inagural season. You may remember way back when when we first caught a glimpse of the spectacle that is National Xtreme Baseball, well now it has finally come into it's own as an official league. Not that it takes a lot to become an official league. Anyway, the first real game (not the exhibition games they've been playing for the past year) was Saturday, May 10th, 2008 and it pit the Daytona Stingrays against the Miami Pythons, which are Xtreme team names for sure. Daytona won the contest 12-4 and I'm sure you really cared about that.

We're gonna try to track down actual video of the game, but if you want, you can see some photos of the game's events with a snappy soundtrack below. We're expecting big things for this league (not really) but it sure is nice to reminisce about when sports blogging weird shit was easy because stuff just leaped out at you. Nowadays a man's gotta actually work for his blogging stories...dammit.

NXBL Home Page here

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Federale

If it ain't a drug dealer, it's a drum. Something will get a federale these days.



If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

What Every Sox Fan Needs

Can a Red Sox fan's life be complete without one of these? Look closely, that's not just a bunch of ticket stubs, no, it's actually a wallet made of ticket stubs. It's actually got 10 slots on the inside for cards and 1 big slot for cash, even tho you can't see it. Its all from the good people at Refinding who take old crap and turn it into stuff like wallets and belts and other stuff. Interesting concept, but I hope these fine people expand their ticket stub collection to more than just BoSox stuff, ya know, in case you aren't a fan of said team. Neat stuff though.

Find BoSox Stub Wallets here