This is just stupid, but hey, its friday.

Always, blame the shoes.

Training camp is still months off and the NFC East is falling into the Redskins hands. Maybe that’s a bit much. A Dan Snyder-owned team will always implode like Six Flags. However the Eagles and Cowboys are busy fighting for room under the proverbial bus.

Former Eagle Hugh Douglas ripped Eagles OT Winston Justice for getting his ass handed to him last season in the Eagles loss to the Cowboys Giants in which QB Donovan McNabb was sacked 12 times.

“If they don’t bite when they’re puppies, they’re not going to bite when they’re grown dogs,” Douglas, the former Eagles Pro Bowl defensive end, said over the phone last night, repeating what he has said about Justice on WIP-610 AM’s Morning Show. “It just doesn’t look like he has any fight in him. If you look at his demeanor, it’s like he’s not even a football player.”

…”It’s one thing to be out-talented by Osi Umenyiora,” Douglas said last night. “Everybody gets beat. But do something, anything, to keep that guy away from your quarterback – grab him, bite him, something.”

Way to boost the kid’s morale. Umenyiora must be drooling at facing Justice again. He had six sacks last September. He may break double digits in their first game next season.

Things aren’t much better in Texas where Terence Newman wasted no time in calling out Roy Williams for “being poor in pass coverage and [implying] that he needs to keep his weight down”. He also alluded to Williams getting the “deer in the headlights” look during plays.

Calling Williams out in public will no doubt lead to better play next season. Pacman is getting more love from the Cowboys these days. Royboy may want to point out that Newman doesn’t have a NFL rule named after him that prevents people from snappin’ a neck. Then again going on a cruise instead of showing up to OTAs may not be the best way to fight the criticism.

One would think the pressure would be off Manchester United assistant Carlos Queiroz after completing the double this season. In the words of an American resident idiot (the sign), “not so fast, my friends”.

Queiroz is losing his mind over the protracted battle with Real Madrid over the future of Cristiano Ronaldo.

“Cristiano Ronaldo will never be Spanish! As they will never take Olivenca again,” he told the Portuguese newspaper Jornal de Noticias, referring to the small town on the disputed border between the two countries. He also delved further into the historic rivalry, alluding to explorer Christopher Columbus – who both countries claim as their own – and the Spanish Philippine Dynasty, which ruled Portugal from 1580 until the bloodless revolution of 1640.

“They already did the same with Christopher Columbus, and it now seems they want to naturalise Cristiano Ronaldo,” the United No 2 added. “Have they already forgotten what we did to them in the past? We will never lose our patience.”

With Portugal preparing for Euro 2008, Queiroz knows the furore could not have come at a worse time. “It’s being done in a manner to distract the Portugal team, at the height of their preparations for the European Championships,” he said. “But I am convinced that despite pressure from the Spanish press he will not change his nationality.”

Sounds like someone could use a horse tranquilizer or a roofie-filled burger. Hopefully Queiroz’s words will start an Iberian conflict that will work as a cover so Portugal and Spain can annex Andorra like the Sudetenland. Mwhahaha! I love it when a plan comes together.

Who would have thought the missing link would be in Arkansas? Fine, we’ve all thought that at some point in our lives. What you didn’t know is that there are several missing links. You have the one between man and ape. You have “Jammin” Joe LaRue who is the missing link between man and god. Then you have the missing link between man and ostrich. Bobby Petrino.

Petrino, head football coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, gave his sob story to the media about being unaware of the fallout from his cowardly exit from the Atlanta Falcons job to take the Arkansas job.

Petrino said that he threw himself into the Arkansas job and was not aware of the media beating he was receiving.

“It was hard on my family. It was hard on my wife and my kids, but I didn’t hear a lot of it,” Petrino said. “That was probably good.”

For months Petrino declined to be interviewed except for the local media that covers Arkansas football. But when he arrived at the SEC meetings he agreed to meet with the media contingent that regularly covers the league.

Petrino was pressed on whether, in hindsight, he could have handled his departure from Atlanta differently.

“Not that I know of,” he said. “Because of the timing of it and both sides of the fence, that is kind of how it worked out. It was a situation where you have no other choice.”

Sometimes a weasel gotta be a weasel, playboy.

Alabama head coach Nick Saban was unavailable for comment as he’s locked away in his office trying to figure out other ways to get around NCAA recruiting guidelines.

Its not sports and I don’t care. This is freakin hilarious. I hope she ended up ok, but it sure looks like she hurt a lot.

Cheese dip and grape Kool-Aid? Really, dude?

Imagine Tyrell Johnson and Kwame Brown at a Michelin-starred restaurant. Gold.

Russell Crowe could not say Sunday was a good day for him. Peter Holmes a Court, part-owner of the South Sydney Rabbitohs along with Crowe, resigned as chairman and coach Jason Taylor gave Crowe an earful.

The Rabbitohs are at the bottom of the National Rugby League table “with only one win in 10 games and the club has lost $4 million in its first year under its new owners”. Crowe was on the end of a verbal beatdown from Taylor after bringing in another coach as a consultant. Needless to say, Taylor didn’t take this too well.

THE Souths coach, Jason Taylor, was swearing and shaking his head. The Hollywood actor Russell Crowe listened, stony-faced and chain-smoking.

The friction at South Sydney was evident at 6.30am yesterday outside Bar Coluzzi on Victoria Street, Darlinghurst.

As predicted in yesterday’s Herald, the board also appointed the premiership-winning coach John Lang as a consultant – a blow to Taylor, who wasn’t taking the news well at Bar Coluzzi yesterday morning. One patron observed that Taylor and Crowe had “faces like death”; another suggested “faces like thunder”.

“They were super-grim. Not happy chappies. Rusty was chain-smoking. He was fairly calm, smoking darts, while Taylor was really agitated saying things like, ‘This bloke has let me down’ and ‘That bloke has let me down’. Taylor was also saying things like, ‘What’s the time-frame for this?”‘

Crowe didn’t take it to heart when Marcus Aurelius said, “Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.” Where was that smile, sport?

Taylor could have completed the circle if he smashed Crowe on the head with a phone. Some curse would have been lifted had he followed through. He better cut back on those Hollywood commitments.

One Remote To Rule Them All, One Remote To Find Them, One Remote To Bring Them All And In The Darkness Bind Them!

This might be the most badass remote control ever made, it is the ESPN “Ultimate Remote Control”. This sucker connects via wi-fi to get you program guides, sports scores, play-by-play, as well as team and player stats. If you were even a sucker of gigantic proportions and bought into ESPN’s fantasy leagues, you could check your fantasy scores from this. Not enough? Well you can also check news, weather, tv listings, and personalized program guides too. Still not enough? Well, the remote also allows you to text to mobile phones, email or other ESPN remotes so you can talk smack during the game while never having to put down the clicker.

Lordy, I hope this thing comes with a charger because it’s going to be sucking down some serious batteries when being used to its full extent. I can easily see myself watching one football game, checking the results of another game on the remote, then texting several people when my team scores a touchdown and then having this behemoth die on me after about 20 minutes of constant use. In a word though, this thing is sick…and a little steep at $299, but ya know, one good trip to Vegas can score enough cash for this sucker (in theory that is).

Looks like they took what little technology they had in their ESPN Mobile phones and turned it into what people really want…a remote control to rule all the other remotes all while doing what remote controls are supposed to do, make your life easier. No longer will you have to sit in front of the television with your laptop in your lap, a cell phone in one hand and the remote in the other. No, those days are long gone with this as it is all you need. One remote to rule them all, one remote to find them, one remote to bring them all…ya know the rest.

Get the ESPN “Ultimate Remote Control” here on Amazon

Steve Atwater, Ray Crockett, Al Smith, Blaine Bishop, Carlos Emmons and Clyde Simmons do not care that you died, someone must pay up for their losses. So they sued the NFL and NFLPA. Good luck with that one.