Site Redesign Coming

The Deuce will be changing soon. No more dog poo background, its time for something new. We might even have ourselves a nifty logo at the top instead of the text we have now. Things are a changin.

We are going to try to keep the color scheme the same and we're going to have 3 columns instead of the 2 we currently have in an effort to clean up the page a bit. Does anyone have any suggestions, comments, wishes, or hate they want to get off their chest before the redesign is complete? Leave a comment, let the Deuce know what's on your mind.

Road to Over 40 wins BEGINS

The over/under on total wins for the Washington Wizards is 40 games. FOURTY GAMES?? You kidding me? How is a team that finished 42-40 in the 2005-06 season and 41-41 last season (with a TON of injuries) predicted to win less than 40 games? Gilbert, Caron and Antawn must be licking their chops if they know about this...and if I had access to an online gambling site I would be too. While we're here, here is one homer's look at the Wizards roster for the year. I dont see how this team doesnt win 41 games...maybe because its all offense and no defense, i dunno.

G. Arenas - Easily one of the top 5 scorers in the league
A. Blatche - Finally figuring it all out, very talented all around player
C. Butler - Easily one of the top 40 players in the league
A. Daniels - Quality veteran bench player
B. Haywood - Needs to produce more with Etan out
A. Jamison - Getting old, but just shoots more and more from outside
R. Mason - Young bench scoring, not much else
D. McGuire - Rookie unknown, could be an great defender
O. Pecherov - Essentially a rookie, can score and rebound off bench
D.Songaila - Experienced scorer, good size and outside shot
D. Stevenson - Experienced defender, can score when he gets the chance
E.Thomas - Done for the year with bad heart
N. Young - Rookie, but can score in bunches, will be big off bench

New Way to Cheat Just Around The Corner

Scientists at SUNY Stony Brook have found that by putting mice on a platform that buzzes at a low frequency for 15 minutes a day, five days a week, for 15 weeks, they have 27 percent less fat than mice that did not stand on the platform — and correspondingly more bone.

“Bone is notorious for ‘use it or lose it,’” Dr. Rubin said. “Astronauts lose 2 percent of their bone a month. People lose 2 percent a decade after age 35. Then you look at the other side of the equation. Professional tennis players have 35 percent more bone in their playing arm. What is it about mechanical signals that makes Roger Federer’s arm so big?”

Apparently this vibration triggers those mechanical signals to grow more bone instead of storing fat in the marrow. The caution is that they don't know if it works in humans yet and maybe it will work to well and cause too much bone growth.

Some answers may come from the federal clinical trial, which will include 200 elderly people in assisted living.

...and maybe Barry Bonds.

Which NFL or MLB team will be the first to invest in this so that their players never break their bones again? Patriots with their mad genius coach, Redskins with their bottomless money pit owner? Sure, we're about 10 steps away from players becoming Wolverine with bones laced in metal, but super boned athletes would be one hell of a way to never see players get hurt because of a broken bone. Sign Ken Griffey up right away.

From NY Times

Can Boston Fans Really Be This Dumb?

Yes...yes they can.

I'm John Cheney And I Approved This Message

Kobe Better Stock Up On Khakis

If blog hater Sam Smith is right, Kobe Bryant might need to load up on Dockers and start wearing his work ID around his neck even when he's not at work.

Smith reports that Kobe Bryant could move to the Washington Wizards with Agent Zero moving the other way. Most seem to think that a move to the Bulls is inevitable but an unnamed GM familiar with the Bryant talks thinks a Lakers-Wizards trade could happen.

This seems like a long shot as a one for one trade would be highly unlikely. Smith notes that the Lakers would also want a power forward which the Wizards don't have. Bryant also has a no-trade clause and hasn't expressed any interest in going to DC.

Arenas is talking about opting out of his contract after this season. He's from Los Angeles and has become a star, one of the league's highest-scoring players and an engaging personality who would embrace the Hollywood scene. He would meet the Lakers' demands for an All-Star player if they trade Bryant.

On the other hand, Bryant would find it hard to go from hanging at Teddy's to kicking it with the douchebags at Lauriol Plaza. I just don't see Kobe dropping $21,000 on jello shots at Millie and Al's. However the upside for Vanessa Bryant would be the less rapetastic nature of the city. No worries about Kobe getting into trouble for that anymore.

Miami Said Knock You Out

Little did the Rappin' Phins know they were talking about Trent "Scrambled Eggs" Green.



They also didn't realize that the 2007 Dolphins would have something in common with Hammer when he went bankrupt.

Somewhere Too Big MC and Angie B are rolling over in their graves.

What Do You Get When You Cross Renée Zellweger And A Gator

The only fraud that was committed was me thinking that I knew what it was like... that I really understood what it was like to be married, and I really didn't.

The assclown says not so fast my friend. The other fraud was fronting like you were a Tenneesee fan when you are really a Florida fan.

The only thing worse than being a loser is being a two time loser. We're not ones to make fun of family strife ... unless sports are involved. Kenny Chesney bought into the Renee Zellweger hype and lost. Instead of learning his lesson, he decided to double up and go all in on Tim Tebow. The Georgia Bulldogs would like to thank Chesney for his interest in the Florida Gators and wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors. The Tennessee Vols wish he was never born.

Such talk began in March after Chesney performed in Gainesville, Fla., the home of the University of Florida Gators, one of the University of Tennessee's fiercest Southeastern Conference rivals. At a concert there, Gator football fans came up on stage and put their team's helmet on Chesney's head.

With the helmet firmly in place, Chesney continued to entertain the crowd, who loved the sight of seeing their favorite country music star wearing the symbol of their pride.

Local fan anger was raised again in September when Chesney attended this year's Vols-Gator game in Gainesville, which the Vols lost, 59-20. There, he was spotted mingling with Florida supporters and seen posing for photographs with cheerleaders and the mascot for the Gators.

Chesney's lifetime loyalty to the Vols is being questioned by Tenneesee fans who are furious about his fraternization with other SEC past and present greats like the ol' ballcoach Steve Spurrier.

"He's been to a lot of shows," Chesney said. "So if anybody sees me and Steve down on the sidelines, me saying 'hi' (to him), don't ask for my head on Monday morning on WIVK."

At least he's not rubbing shoulders with original Judas Nick Saban.

A True American Hero

Joey Chestnut is on a mission this year, his mission is to bring all the competitive eating trophies back to the good ole US of A. In July, Chestnut won the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest, crushing his wounded opponent Takeru Kobayashi. On Sunday, Chestnut did it again. Joey Chestnut ate 103 sliders in 8 minutes at the Krystal Burgers Square Off, beating Kobayashi's previous record of 97 set last year and pocketing a cool $10,000.

Unfortunately, Kobayashi was unable to attend this year's competition due to lingering pain in his jaw. Sucker.

Lets take a look at ALL of Chestnut's gastronomical (ouch i know) records:

8.6 pounds Tempura Deep Fried Aspargus Spears in 10 min
7.5 lbs Buffalo Chicken Wings in 12 min
182 chicken wings in 30 min
47 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 min
212 chicken and vegetable gyoza in 10 min
6 lbs, 5 oz horseshoe sandwiches in 12 min
66 Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs and Buns in 12 min
118 Jalapeno Poppers in 10 min
4.82 lbs Pizza Hut P'Zones in 6 min
8.4 pounds pork rib meat in 12 min
9 Pounds, 6 Ounces Smoked, Pulled Pork in 10 min
45 pulled pork sandwiches in 10 min
22.5 Waffle House Waffles (8 oz.) in 10 min

...and now this. Way to go Joey Chestnut. You are a true American hero. USA! USA! USA!

This is Talent

Find more videos at BurlySports.com

Eviscerated!

What the Patriots did to the Washington Redskins last night was the worst loss I have ever seen in all my years of Redskins fandom. Think thats a stretch? The last time they lost near that bad was in 1961 when the Giants beat them 53-0.

It got so bad for me, the Redskins fan, that Cowboys fans at the sports bar I was at were actually cheering on the team that throttled them 48-27 just two weeks ago. That is some crazy shit right there and only confirms my belief that Cowboys fans are the single worst fans in sports. Yes, worse than Eagles fans...although it ain't by much.

Did the Patriots run up the score? Lets see, final score was 52-7...you damn right they ran up the score. New England went for it on 4th down, twice, while up over 30 points to the Redskins and they never stopped passing the ball. Think the Patriots care? Nope. "...we don't care," Patriots' receiver Donte Stallworth said after the game.

Now I am not going to whine about how big bad Bill Belichick shouldn't have done this or that nor will I complain about these random, ongoing, headset problems that seem to happen at Gillette...I am just going to say this:

Do not anger the Football Gods, New England Patriots. The Gods of the Football do not like taunting. Egos large and small have been crushed by the Football Gods. What Belichick, Brady, Moss and the entire organization are in danger of is thinking that they are bigger than the game. A beatdown of that magnitude signifies it. They don't care, they say. Its all about the Patriots right now and karma is a bitch whore.

So, on this day, congratulations Patriots and Patriot fans, you are still undefeated. You seem to have the single most complete team since the salary cap was instituted. Nothing seems like it can stop you...until the Football Gods inevitably intervene.

Lets just hope the injury bug that has seemed to miss this team does not strike anytime soon...and isn't brought upon by a "Bounty Bowl" III in the future.

Only Run When Chased

Here are a few videos showing how Red Sox fans celebrate a championship when their team wins it out in Colorado.

Where are they running? Why??

Why chant Yankees suck? You beat the Rockies dummies!

Yes, jumping off street lamps, that is good safe fun.

Also see Sawks fans we're glad we wont have to see for another 5 months

Red Sox Win World Series Again in Sweep

Thank God its over...now we have a break of 5 months or so until we have to see

These tits again; or

This fucktard brat again; or
This fucking weirdo again; or

These assholes at every bar in America again; or

This asshole at every ballgame in America; or

This pair of Hollywood douchebags at a sporting event again; or

Him...fucking Dane fucking Cook.

Red Sox "Nation"...you should be proud? Congratufuckinglations.

Oh No Now My Pants Are Chafing Me

If your vicar tells you to take off your pants and cough, you might want to get a second opinion.

You can never accuse the church of not learning its lesson. After taking a public beatdown over child abuse allegations, the men of the cloth realized that they had to change tactics if they wanted to get their rocks off outside of the seminary. The answer? Sports medicine.

Rick Nash Is Better Than You

Check out Rick Nash's shot between the legs during last night's game between the Blue Jackets and Blues. I keep forgetting there's a team called the Blue Jackets. That's Georgia Tech's team, right?

Don't Make Ray Ray Mad

You won't like Ray Lewis when he's mad. He could do his version of the Buckhead Bounce on you meaning he gets a little stabby then takes off before anyone knows what happened.

Lewis started the week off by going off on Ravens head coach Brian Billick for idiotic play calling on his Baltimore radio show. He didn't stop with Billick. He also gave some to former teammate Adalius Thomas, now with New England, after an Oct. 16 Sports Illustrated article came out where Thomas criticized the Ravens as attention seekers.

"People there wanted the limelight; people sought out the limelight, starting with the head coach. It was a star-studded system. Here it's about as different as you can get. Everybody here shies away from being the star guy. Nobody on this team beats his chest. They just all go about their business. And win."

Lewis responded on Monday in the midst of calling out Billick.

"When you take a shot at men that you claim to love to go to war with, I call those cowards," Lewis said. "If you have something to say privately, you don't have to go to a newspaper. If you have something to say to a man, speak it."

"We won a Super Bowl without Adalius Thomas. The New England Patriots won three Super Bowls without Adalius Thomas. You're talking about a guy who we put in - a great talent, don't ever get me wrong - but systematically we had to fit him into our schemes."

Thomas didn't take too kindly to being called a coward in addition to being a cog. He called Lewis a coward for not taking his complaints about the play-calling upstairs to the offensive genius himself.

The Patriots play the Ravens on Dec. 3. Lewis might want to hold back considering Billick couldn't coach his way out of a wet paper bag right now.

Who's Who in the CFL?

We sometimes forget that there is a haven for failed NFL players up north. The CFL is a place for those who wish to play competitive football that is not the bastard Arena Football League hybrid...instead its a bastard outdoor league hybrid. I mean, 3 downs? WTF??? But I digress, lets take a look at some people you may or may not remember that were once college greats but NFL busts, that are actually thriving in the Canadian Football League:

Jarrett Payton -
College: University of Miami
Best Known For: Being Walter Payton's son
Career Highlight: Being on the World Bowl XIII Champion Amsterdam Admirals
Undistinguished NFL Career: Finished the 2005 NFL season with the Tennessee Titans having 33 carries for 105 yards and 2 touchdowns. Released the next season.
Where is He Now: The Montreal Alouettes. Currently 5th in the league in rushing with 822 yards, averaging 5.3 a carry, and 9 TDs (1 receiving)

Michael Bishop -
College: Kansas State
Best Known For: Being the first cousin of actor/comedian/singer Jamie Foxx and finishing 2nd to Ricky Williams (another CFL alum) in the 1998 Heisman Trophy Award.
Career Highlight: Starting all 25 games in his K-State career and holds the school career records with 23 rushing touchdowns and 1,314 yards rushing for quarterbacks (11th overall).
Undistinguished NFL Career: Signed with the Patriots in 1999, saw first action in 2000 and only threw nine times with three completions, one of which being a 44 yard hailmary pass. Out of the league by 2001.
Where is He Now: Toronto Argonauts. Currently the Argonauts starting QB and 6th best quarterback in the CFL, Bishop has an 87.1 QB rating with 2409 yards and 18 TDs. Bishop has also run for 219 yards on 33 carries.

Robert Edwards -
College: University of Georgia
Best Known For: Blowing out his knee at a NFL rookie flag football game at the All Star game in Hawaii, barely escaping the injury without having his leg amputated below the knee, and told he may not walk again.
Career Highlight: After being drafted in the 1st round, Edwards ran for 1,115 yards as a rookie with the New England Patriots in the 1998 season.
Undistinguished NFL Career: After ruining his knee, Edwards took 4 years to come back to the league, where he was only relegated to 3rd down duties for just one season with the Miami Dolphins.
Where is He Now: Toronto Argonauts. Edwards is eighth in the league in rushing with 668 yards and 3 touchdowns, averaging 4.5 yards per carry.

Terrence Edwards -
College: University of Georgia
Best Known For: Being the brother of Robert Edwards.
Career Highlight: Setting the SEC receiving yardage total record and is second all-time in receptions in the conference.
Undistinguished NFL Career: Active for 6 games with the Atlanta Falcons during the 2003 season...has 1 NFL catch for 10 yards.
Where is He Now: Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Number one in the CFL for receving with 724 receptions, 1241 yards, and 9 TDs.

Ken Yon Rambo -
College: Ohio State University
Best Known For: Finishing eighth on OSU's all-time reception list with 106 career catches and seventh in receiving yards with 1,849. Also for setting a school record with a 22.9-yard average on 64 kick-off returns.
Career Highlight: Um see above? Methinks Rambo peaked a little too soon.
Undistinguished NFL Career: In 2 years with the Dallas Cowboys (2001-02) Rambo's total stats were 17 receptions for 239 yards.
Where is He Now: Calgary Stampeders. 14th in the CFL for receiving with 54 catches for 831 yards.

Jarious Jackson -
College: Notre Dame
Best Known For: Setting Notre Dame single-season records for passing yards (2,753, breaking Joe Theisman's record), completions (184), and attempts (316).
Career Highlight: Took Notre Dame to the 2000 Fiesta Bowl 1999 Gator Bowl...the highlight ended there, Notre Dame lost 41-9 to Oregon State 35-28 to Georgia Tech. Took the Barcelona Dragons's to World Bowl IX...they lost to the Berlin Thunder 24-17.
Undistinguished NFL Career: Drafted in the 7th round by the Broncos, Jackson had a 4 year career with Denver with just 5 games played, completing 11 of 22 passes for 114 yards.
Where is He Now: British Columbia Lions. 7th best QB in the league with a rating of 84.1 with 2248 yards and 53% completions. He is also 13th in rushing with 254 yards.

Others you may remember: Tay Cody (Florida State & San Diego Chargers); Anthony Davis (Wisconsin and Indianapolis Colts); Timmy Chang (Hawaii); Jamaica Jackson (South Carolina); Zeke Moreno (Southern Cal. & San Diego Chargers); Ike Charlton (Va Tech & Seattle Seahawks); Kliff Kingsbury (Texas Tech & various NFL teams)

CFL Stats provided by The Sports Network

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Furries Beatdown

Something about seeing a bunch of people in animal costumes beating the shit outta a couple of fools behind the stage of a live performance makes me smile. Do not fuck with the carnies!!

Snow White Don't Know Nothin About No London

Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder is a funny man, that is him in that outfit, someone needs to give him a blog. He was interviewed yesterday and told the reporter that he didn't know they spoke English in London and more. Look at this entry from the Palm Beach Post blogger Tim Graham:

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

When reminded Dolphins practice squad receiver and NFL Europe veteran Marvin Allen is from London, Crowder’s standup routine didn’t miss a beat.

“He’s from London?” Crowder said. “I knew he was from over there because he talks funny. I was surprised (when they met) because — I don’t want to say he didn’t look the part because that’s a stereotype — but he didn’t look the part. I heard him talk, and I thought he had a recorder and was just mouthing.”

Someone, give this man a blog. I have to hear his thoughts aboot Canadians. Oh, in case you thought i'd forget, what the hell is up with that Snow White outfit? Someone help me here.

(Chimp Note: I love that 100% Injury Rate found this on Digg at the same time as me...hilarious, i like WCK's write up better, but my picture rocks.)

Say Chowda! Say It! Say It!

9/11 president Rudy Giuliani has finally given in to terror. The New England variety that is. I'm not sure how that differs from the Middle Eastern kind. Maybe it's like the difference between Manhattan and New England Clam Chowder. One threatens you with WMDs and the other corners you and blabbers on in a terrible accent about how wicked ahsome the Pats and Sawx ah. The people, not the chowder. I'm not sure which is worse but I do know that strong analysis like this shows I should be working for the RAND Corporation.

Rudy has come out and said that he'll be rooting for the Boston Red Sox in the World Series starting tonight. He made the admission during a campaign stop in Boston.

"I'm an American League fan, and I go with the American League team, maybe with the exception of the Mets," he said. "Maybe that would be the one time I wouldn't because I'm loyal to New York."

An assclown says what? Is Big Perm the last man who believes in principalities? Think of how everyone who suffered through 9/11 feels knowing that the one man who single-handedly saved everyone doesn't have the courage to stand by his proclaimed principles. This is the same guy who gave the Yankees a sweetheart deal before checking out. Why doesn't he piss on Yankee Stadium while he's at it?

If he can't stand up to douchebags in faded Red Sox hats, how's he going to stand up to Ahmadinejad and 48 Italian prime ministers on scooters? At least LeBron supported the Yankees from childhood. Is Rudy going to side with evil if it looks like they're coming back from the equivalent of a 3-1 deficit? There's no hope. We've already lost.

On the upside, I can't wait until Mitt Romney comes out and promises to blow the entire Boston starting rotation to show how much more committed he is to the Red Sox than Rudy.

Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

"We can't win in America. Maybe we can win overseas."
-- Miami Dolphins' Jason Taylor speaking to The Guardian.

Master Of The Own Goal

Frank Sinclair was, is and will be the master of the own goal. Witness the glory that is Frank Sinclair.



I bring up Mr. Sinclair because of a quality own goal from this past weekend. Sunderland was holding on to a 1-1 draw with West Ham when Sunderland keeper Craig Gordon pulled a Sinclair.
Skip to 1:34 to witness the next coming.


West Ham V Sunderland
Uploaded by LiveFooty

In all fairness, there wasn't much he could have done about it but it still makes for some quality laughs.

Oooh Him Book Read Good!

What do you think of when you think of Alabama coach Nick Saban? Honor? Integrity? Accountability? Yeah me too.

Alabama is investigating itself for potential violations of NCAA rules governing the distribution of free textbooks to athletes. "Student-athletes" are not supposed to receive more textbooks than are required for their coursework.

Alabama starting offensive linemen Antoine Caldwell and Marlon Davis, tailback Glen Coffee and defensive backs Marquis Johnson and Chris Rogers were suspended for Alabama's 41-17 victory over Tennessee on Saturday. University officials said the suspensions involved impermissible receipt of textbooks.

Saban responded by saying that the players used "poor judgment". However he didn't stop there.

Head coach Nick Saban said Monday the players used "poor judgment," but that the university's textbook distribution system for athletes also failed the players.

"No one at the university wants me to say it, but it's true," Saban said in a speech to the Monday Morning Quarterback Club.

"We had some guys use poor judgment in how they did it," Saban said. "Now, the NCAA might see it as an extra benefit. We saw it, we reported it. But the system failed the players, too. If we call a bad play and it doesn't work, we're responsible."

Way to pass the buck, Saban. Those textbooks are as tempting as an Alabama sorority girl on her knees. If they keep giving, the players will keep taking. "Give it to me, mandingo! I hope my dad doesn't find out!" It's not fair of people to keep offering them cars, clothes, money, hoes and biochemistry textbooks.

The Alabama case is similar to a case involving Ball State which was placed on two years probation for the same violations.

In the Ball State case, the NCAA said last week the infractions involved 89 athletes in 10 sports from the spring semester of 2003 to the end of the 2004-05 school year. The athletes obtained $26,944 in books for classes in which they weren't enrolled and, in some cases, got more than one copy of a book, which they gave to others, the NCAA said.

I guess we can't blame Saban. It's not like he knows anything about taking responsibility for one's actions. Rubble rubble!

Picture Of The Day

What the fuck, Didier? I demand that Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora dress in full soccer uniforms complete with socks over the knees.

Tangent. Baseball managers wear baseball uniforms. Shouldn't coaches and managers in other sports be required to wear the same uniforms as their players? If Lou Pinella has to squeeze into a baseball uniform, Nellie should be required to wear a Warriors uniform. Joe Gibbs should be forced to wear a Skins uniform and go with a single bar like Theismann. How great would it be to see Wade Phillips or Andy Reid in a football uniform or Sir Alex Ferguson in a Manchester United kit? Dave Wannstedt should wear a mascot uniform as his continued presence in the coaching ranks is an insult to the game.

Then again the Giants could use a little Soul Glo on their roster to go with that Guy Whimper.

Don't F--k With The Haka

It wouldn't be a proper Tri-Nations without your 2007 Rugby World Cup winners South Africa so here's a gem from the 80s TV show Spitting Image. Leave it to the English to bring this up during the leadup to the RWC final this past weekend. Before you get all uppity, self-righteous and Peace Corps on us, remember this was made during the apartheid era when I wouldn't play Sun City.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Office Beatdown

Apparently, you do not throw pencils at the guy in white. Its been awhile since I've had a random video of horrific violence, so here you go:

dude owns co-worker - Watch more free videos

Todd Collins Has A Diary

Well not really, but Todd Collins - Diary of an NFL Quarterback is an entertaining fake blog found via Covering the Redskins, here's a little taste of the Todd for ya (nice find Bram):

Hola senoritas and those of you senoras into the swinging lifestyle, it’s your man TC here on a mission to brighten up your long work day with a high quality dose of blogging on the second of six consecutive off days. Unfortunately, I have not made it to the Cheesecake Factory yet, since I am still in bed with a certain lady friend…

How are there not more of these types of blogs out there? This is fine writing indeed, the posts are lengthy, but full of some funny bits. If only the "Todd" would update more often. Also, if you're a Redskins fan, you must read Bram Weinstein's blog Covering the Redskins, he's quite the blogging novice, but he is at the park every day and has some pretty good insights into the team from a different perspective than La Canfora's Redskins Insider.

Link to Diary of an NFL Quarterback
Link to Covering the Redskins

The Rams and Dolphins Need Some of This

Amazingly, that is not a photoshop, its an actual laundry detergent for athletes. Anyway, 0-7? Wow. The Rams are finding it tough to win without an offensive line and the Dolphins are finding it tough to win, um, period. The Dolphins legitimately have a chance to go 0-16 this year. Its would be a nice bookend to their perfect, 17-0 season with one of absolute failure. Lets see them pop some champagne for that! In any case, here's a video for these two loser teams...the Saints are also included in this but since they won this week, I dunno if they should be. However, the anguish that is emoted on the screen are valid for all the fans of teams with sub .500 records out there.

Link to Win Detergent

The World Gets a Bit Lazier

If you want to get somewhere without expending any of your own energy, your options are kinda limited without access to a car. You could look like a dork and use an electric scooter, or use one of those stupid lookin Segways and look like a rich dork.

Now, there is a new way to look like an asshole while moving around town, the Ishoes, motorized shoes. Watch this guy tear ass in his new shoes. I dunno if this makes a person look more lazy than any of the aforementioned transportation devices, not to mention how impractical these look. I wanna see what extreme shit someone can do with this, it might just be "going into traffic". Enjoy...

Link to Ishoes.com

MLB & Taco Bell Like PB & J...and other baseball happenings

MLB and Taco Bell have got a deal that will cost you nothing, except minutes off your life. If any person steals a base in the World Series, Taco Bell will give away 1 free taco to everyone in America. Thats right, free tacos baby. Lets all get a little fatter peoples. Eat up.

In other news, Boston is going to the world series again, denying the Indians yet ANOTHER chance to win something...anything...in any sport. Those poor bitches. Hopefully the Rockies won't be rusty from the slight layoff and will crush the BoSox, I honestly cannot have a year where the Red Sox and the Patriots are both champions...my soul weeps at the thought.

Despite the Indians losing, Paul Byrd's name won't be leaving the headlines anytime soon, the Cleveland pitcher has been found out to be a former HGH user, spending around 25,000 bucks for the pleasure of using the illegal drug. God is good isn't he? Byrd does say he was prescribed the HGH for use in rehabbing an adult growth hormone deficiency...wait, aren't you supposed to stop growing? Byrd really has pie on his face now...

Finally, Steinbrenner Jr. speaks, and he's calling out Joe Torre. Who is really the ingrate here, Torre or the Steinbrenners?

Link to MLB Taco Giveaway site

Where Are My Lineups, Fox?!?!

Dr. Z of Sports Illustrated brought up a very interesting note in his "Inside the NFL" column, Fox Sports has stopped showing the starting lineups at the beginning of their NFL games. That kinda shocked me. Dr. Z had a conversation with David Hill, Chairman of Fox Sports and midway down page 2, you can see how that fruitless conversation went, but here's a snippet:

"You want to know who's in or out?" [David]Hill [Chairman of Fox Sports] said. "The announcers will give you that in their stand-up. I don't want the screen cluttered up with that."

But the announcers did not give me that. Yes they did, he said. No they didn't, I said. Yes they did. And the argument raged. When our conversation was over I called Fox's PR department and asked them if they could send me a tape, so I could see for myself (I hadn't saved my tape of the pre-game). They said they would. Coming right up. They never sent it. You just can't win, folks. When you're dealing with corporate America, you just can't win.

Ladies and Gentlemen, starting lineups have been a mainstay in football broadcasts since I can remember. They've even progressed, in this digital age, from just pictures to the actual players announcing themselves! We the people need this just so we know if say Santonio Holmes is playing or if his backup is in because Holmes pulled a hamstring!

Ok well you and I don't necessarily need this because we play fantasy football and know the lineups a half hour before the start of the game, but most people don't subscribe to those services that tell us that. In any case, its tradition! Its how football has been broadcast since the dawn of football being broadcast! You cannot change this! TELL FOX WE NEED OUR LINEUPS!

Here's their feedback page if you really want them back...but who else misses them like I do? Is it just clutter or do you like them like Dr. Z and I do?

Mike Flynt's Friends Are Kinda Nuts

We posted a story a few days ago questioning the motives behind Mike Flynt's (in light green) collegiate comeback to football, saying that perhaps part of his dream was to sell a few more pieces of exercise equipment. Apparently, friend of Mike Flynt, Randy Wilson (in blue) was not amused. He posted a comment in our comments, sent us an email that is too long to print, and he even posted in the comments of the Yardbarker story that we posted.

In addition he posted this in the Sul Ross forums:

"Everybody READ THIS From Randy W

Date: 18 Oct 2007
Time: 16:48:01 -0400
Remote Name: 69.134.143.217
Remote User:

Comments

Everybody please go to this site http://www.deuceofdavenport.com/2007/10/mike-flynt-takes-advantage-of-good.html and read the comment by deuce of davenport. Then feel free to click on "post comment" and cut loose. Says Mike is only going to Sul Ross to sell Powerbases?????Believe me there's an easier way. Read my comments then feel free to practice your American right of FREE SPEECH."

Wow, that is quite the rallying cry there. I read a little more in this forum and I saw this gem further questioning Mike Flynt's history more than I ever did:

"Everybody READ THIS from Marco P.

Date: 18 Oct 2007
Time: 17:32:11 -0400
Remote Name: 24.182.108.119
Remote User:

Comments

Honorable words, Mr. W. I too think there is nothing more honorable than practicing my right to freedom of speech! But yet, how can you exalt your right to defend Michael Flynt, but yet shoot down and attempt to silence those who pose questions against him? Is it not protected speech to probe into the unknow, seek the truth, and shed light onto questions that are burning to be answered? We are here to find the truth, the secret that remains desperately protected by Flynt's cronies, Randy, Gaby, "TS," and his lapdog Toyah. We are here to bring the answer to the people, WHY IT IS THAT MICHAEL FLYNT WAS EXPELLED FROM HIS COLLEGE YEARS AGO? Why is it that a good and just man would hide in the shadows and refuse to reveal his true self to the world? If Flynt is so great, so close to the truth as you claim he is, let him come forth and tell us all him self. We are for the truth! We are for justice! We will find our answers, and you loyal followers will not stand in our way. -MP"

MP I assume is the same Marco Polo that posted in our comments section who said:

"he is a fake and a druggie no one should admire this man"

I just don't know who to trust anymore? Randy Wilson sure comes off as a little fanatical, but Marco Polo comes off as a little bitter. I wonder if Marco Polo attended Sul Ross, if so that school has to put out some of the most intense people on the planet. All I know is...I want me a free Powerbase for all this free press I'm giving this old fart. Problem is, if I give out my address, I am liable to get a pipe bomb or something for besmirching the good name of Mike Flynt. What to do, what to do.

For Randy, I will make this change to my prior post:

Mike Flynt = Not Worthy Of Our Praise Has Intense Friends

Dallas Cowboys Are Cheap And Dumb

The Dallas Cowboys organization participated in a domain name auction for the site "Cowboys.com". The auction ended with the organization bidding $275,000 and they won the site. The only problem is, they thought they were bidding $275 for the name and now they don't want it. The head of the auction site that had the name had this to say in a forum:

when I spoke to their attorney...he was dead serious, had no idea that it was $275K and was shocked when he received the purchase agreement ( he thought he bought it for $275.00 - thats right two hundred and seventy five dollars!). I almost asked him what he was smoking.

after falling out of my chair....not ever experiencing anything like this one, we are going to let this dog stay sleeping for a while. someone should pick this name up and it will ultimately cost the cowboys millions when they finish that $800M stadium they are building. I told the attorney that my guess was that they probably sell $275K in popcorn and beer in one game and that they were foolish not to look at their brand in a different way.

We find a way to turn dirt into diamonds anyway and this will be well past us.

Pretty dumb huh? HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS?!?!!!

Seriously, the domain name has got to be worth that much, if not more, why wouldn't they want to lock that bad boy up? They're paying more for Roy Williams and I'm sure he's made less hits than that site would've.

Time To Work Your Balls

I've never understood what women do with those inflatable work-out balls. Never seemed to me like they could do much of anything for the body. I understand now. This video makes it all quite clear and the 3 girls in lingerie certainly helped. (NSFW)

The Constitutional Vol.20 - DC Edition!

Here in DC, we have a TON of great bloggers to read throughout the day, and really, I don't think I mention it enough. Quality work from you all. So, in tribute to my fellow Washington DC bloggers, a special friday link-dump just for you guys and gals (if I missed you, let me know)...Welcome to the Constitutional.

• Jarrett Carter, SVPStyle creator, friend of the Deuce and commenter extraordinaire is interviewed! We Rite Goode
  


• Speaking of Jarrett, if you sue the Ravens, you will never get paid. Scott Van Pelt Style
  


• O-Pec is Stewie. Bullets Forever
  


• Wizards go to China...in 1979. THE WIZZNUTZZ
  


• Why Torii Hunter is no good for the Nationals. Capitol Punishment
  


• Looking ahead at the Redskins game with the Patriots...optimistically of course. DC Optimist
  


• The Lady Terps coach is gonna give birth on a billboard...wait what? DC BasketCases
  


• Kenny Lofton doesn't like Josh Beckett. Awful Announcing
  


• In real life, the Friday Night Lights team ain't so bad. Mr. Irrelevant
  


• DeShawn Stevenson has a new tattoo...of his name. DC Sports Bog
  


• Wrap-up of the Junkies v. Mottram bros. battle. The Big Lead
  


• Wrapup of the Caps game by the best Caps Blog in town. On Frozen Blog
  


• Orioles hire a pitching coach and no one cares. Random Reality Thoughts
  


• The White Stripes analyze the NFL. Kissing Suzy Kolber
  


• Steve Phillips thinks you should smile. 100% Injury Rate
  (While not in DC right now, we feel like he's still here in spirit.)

This Guy Thinks the BCS Sucks

I dont think I can count how many times Peter Rosenberg says "SUCKS" in this video...all I know is, I agree with him.

Doc Rivers Is Excited About The New Season

There must be a reasonable explanation for this besides Doc having a raging hard on...I smell a caption contest!!

Halloween Is Coming...Who Should You Be?

The Deuce is quite fond of the Halloween season, it is such a great time for women of the world to dress up in the sluttiest clothes possible and actually get praise instead of scorn for baring tons of cleavage and leg. Women you wouldn't even think of as bimbos get all hoochied up and it is a wonderful thing. Sadly, this article has nothing to do with them. This is for us sports watching guys.

We, unlike the fine ladies of the world, don't have the option of wearing some borderline red lingerie outfit with devil horns and saying "I'm the devil" or some pseudo sports related "sexy referee" outfit...we must get more creative. So, we've culled together a few sports related costumes that you might want to see if you can use for your Halloween.

We love to help.

1) Travis Henry:
Simple costume to do, all you need is a Travis Henry Broncos jersey, 9 plastic baby dolls, and 1 gigantic rolled up joint in your mouth. The 9 baby dolls should be in a stroller, on your shoulder, head, cradled in your arm, attached to your tit, on your legs...all over because, where the hell you gonna keep 9 kids??

2) Roy Williams

Get yourself a Williams jersey, put a Pizza Hut button down over top of it, grab a pizza box and you're all set. Just don't expect any tips.

3) Derek Jeter
For the guy who doesn't want to get laid that night, wear a Jeter jersey and add a huge ass cold sore on your face with some make up. Prepare for no female to talk to your Herpes ridden ass.

4) George Steinbrenner
Get yourself a white turtleneck, sport coat, and a white wig...walk around saying “Great to see ya, Tommy,” to everyone in the room.

5) Bill Belichick
Wear a hoodie and a headset, look real sour all the time and have a friend videotape everything that is going on across the bar/party for you.

6) Greg Oden
Get a tree costume...wear Oden's jersey. DONE!

7) Bill Simmons
If all the above is too hard to do, just be Bill Simmons. To do this follow these steps: a) be white, very white; b) dress incredibly average in every way; c) be the most pompous and smug guy in the room; d) talk relentlessly about the Karate Kid, 90210, Boston sports teams and your friends no one cares about; e) try to give your book away, watch no one take it.

Any more suggestions?

You Must Think Like The Dolphin

Two Dolphins stories together are like two Dolphins fans in the same place. Chris Rock once said, "Seeing two Dolphins fans in the same place is like seeing two Indians in the same place". The shit just don't happen. Just remember where you were when it happened.


What The Problem Is?

You have to wonder when David Boston's dad is going to throw him out of the game or flag him for a 15 yard personal foul. Like sand through the hourglass, David Boston was arrested again.

This time, Boston was arrested and charged with false imprisonment, battery and resisting an officer without violence. He started arguing with his wife, Renee after he left the house and locked it with their month old daughter inside the house while she was on a walk with their two-year old daughter.

Boston threw a cushion at his wife while she was holding the baby and pulled the phone cord out of the wall to prevent her from calling 911. He then barricaded himself in the house with a Bowflex and weapons provided by Tank Johnson ... Ok maybe that last part didn't happen but it's only a matter of time.


Why I Go In And Out Of Comas All The Time


French toast please! Trent Green wants back in the game and hopefully he'll get french toast to go along with the scrambled eggs in his head. He claims he has no symptoms from the hit he took on October 7.

The Miami Herald suggests that his full participation in practice and lack of symptoms suggests that Green may not have suffered a Grade 3 concussion. I think he's just used to the symptoms and he thinks everything's normal.

Who knows? Maybe he is fine to play. He'll know it's time to hang it up when he starts thinking and talking like Merrill Hoge. If he starts sending hate mail to Vince Young, he may be in need of an intervention.

By the way, let's leave on a high note and laugh at the assclown that is Joey Porter. Here's to 0-16.

Thierry Henry Wants To Be Special Too

Cheating's in the air. Can you feel it? Thierry Henry sure can. The Deuce brought you the story of Jose Mourinho getting busted for having an affair. Now it's up to three. Now we bring you Thierry Henry's drama courtesy of the Sun.

Henry had an affair with a makeup artist during a commercial shoot and the discovery of text messages led to a divorce and possibly his transfer from Arsenal to Barcelona.

His wife Claire discovered the text messages on his phone and confronted him. Shortly after, he moved out and took off to Spain after a quickie divorce. Now she wants half like Raw.

She is now demanding a £10million divorce settlement, and divorce experts have predicted that a judge will order a “clean break” – with Claire receiving a lump sum payment rather than a proportion of Henry’s future earnings.

It is expected that Claire will be entitled to a large part of superstar Henry’s wealth [estimated at £25million]. And with the revelation that Arsenal’s record goalscorer may have been playing away, she will probably be set up for life.

Henry has retained Heather Mills' lawyer while his ex Claire has retained Paul McCartney's lawyer. No way this gets messy...

I could be wrong but ain't no way that ass is worth £10million.

Troy Brown And The Pats Think You're A Part-Time Sucka

You gotta hand it to the Pats. You can't accuse them of lacking confidence after shoving popcorn up TO's ass last Sunday. However they could be getting a little too cocky for their own good.

Test your Bingo skills against super bowl champion Troy Brown and his New England Patriot teammates for the chance to win $10,000 in prize money!

WR Troy Brown is sponsoring a Celebrity Bingo Tournament at Gillette Stadium along with some Patriots teammates.

Negro is you crazy? You must think I was born yesterday. This ain't right. I could see Rodney Harrison or Construda doing this but not Troy Brown. If you think this bingo they speak of is going to be on the level, think again. Why would they have it on a football field instead of in a bingo hall, casino or club? You know they're going to rig the balls and have cameras on all the cards.

Watch serial impregnator Tom Brady win every time while Belichek stands in the owner's box in his hoodie rubbing his hands together and saying "Excellent".

Oh don't expect any transportation to the stadium. You have to get there yourself. Some prize. Just pray you have enough gas to get away in case Brady tries to impregnate you. Then again, you could get child support.

Sometimes You Just Have To Go

Sometimes, when you gotta go, you just have to go. If there's a bar to go on and a hundred witnesses, even better! Eric Schnupp, Baylor's offensive line/tight ends coach, was caught and fined $258 for pissing on a bar in Lawrence, Kansas. Schnupp supposedly thought no one was watching him as the bartenders were forcing everyone out of the bar at closing time.

Bartender Danny Severe said Schnupp had taken several shots of hard liquor, most bought for him by other people.

I mean, when you're coming off a 58-10 loss to a ranked opponent, I can see why you would go ahead and drink your ass off and end the evening pissing all over the place that got you to that point. I'm sure if he could've, he would have pissed all over the 50 yard line of the stadium where that blowout occurred.

Nonetheless, they are 3-4...and have a great shot at losing their next 5 games (Texas, at Kansas st., Texas tech, at Oklahoma, Oklahoma st.) so hopefully this will not be the last time we hear from Mr. Schnupp. Ten bucks this is what he'll be doing after their inevitable Texas loss.

Mike Flynt Takes Advantage of Good Press

Mike Flynt, the 59 year old linebacker for Sul Ross State, has started up a webpage, Mike Flynt.net. On this page you'll get all sorts of newsclippings about why he did what he did and what kind of great guy he is...you'll also learn all about the POWERBASE exercise equipment that Mike Flynt invented in 2001 and credits for his strength and conditioning and that you can buy for the low low price of $149.95.

Its so refreshing to know that the power and glory of sport is still rooted firmly in capitalism. Its nice to know that Mike Flynt might not have actually returned to school to fulfill his dream, but to shell a few more of his powerbase portable strength training devices. Really warms the soul doesn't it?

Mike Flynt = Not Worthy Of Our Praise

Link to Mike Flynt.net
Link to Powerbase

Time Out

Timeless? What's timeless? Nothing happened.

Michigan alum and current Phoenix Sun Jalen Rose bought a billboard to honor the Fab Five the season after their 15-year anniversary.

"The motivation for that speaks for itself," said Rose, who didn't tell the
other guys until after it was up, wanting it to be a surprise. "Being this
(2006-07) is the year of the Fab Five 15th-year anniversary, people nationally are talking about it -- about how we changed college basketball and the landscape of the sport. We have no banners and representation at U-M, almost like we didn't go there."

Perhaps he's forgotten about the illegal loans to Chris Webber and other players that resulted in penalties for the university in addition to the removal of all banners commemorating their achievements from Crisler Arena.

Former Michigan AD Bo Schembechler threw them under the bus as well.

"They were five really fine basketball players. But what did they do?" [said] retired Michigan football legend Bo Schembechler, the university athletic director in 1989, when he fired Bill Frieder and promoted Fisher to head coach on the eve of the 1989 NCAA tournament. "They never won the national title, and frankly they had enough talent to do it. Did they win any Big Ten championships? What did they bring us?"

That's some cold shit, Bo. They did bring increased visibility, more applicants and huge merchandise sales in addition to tripling athletic royalties.

Rose had the billboard placed in Detroit near the area where he and Webber grew up. He said he didn't want to cause any distractions.

"Unfortunately, what a couple players were accused -- never proven -- of doing, our banners got taken down so our memories aren't as fond as they should be," Rose said. "There's no hard feelings and I think some good eventually will come out of it. But, especially when, being in broadcasting, I see what (former Ohio State running back) Maurice Clarett was going through, and they didn't take their (championship) banner down. I see (former USC running back) Reggie Bush and what he's going through. And I see what (former UCLA basketball coach) Jim Harrick goes through, and I notice it's original and unique how our situation is handled."

Rose can't be blamed for being bitter and he does have a point but it seems as though he absolves Webber of any guilt in the situation. To their credit, Rose and Jimmy King have continued their association with the basketball program.

** Ray Jackson is living in Austin, TX running a moving company and Rise Up, Inc., a non-profit that mentors kids on and off the court. I always wondered what happened to him.

Rumble In The Jungle 2: Electric Boogaloo

Leave it to Don King to take a good idea and ruin it. King wants to have another Rumble in the Jungle somewhere in Africa.

"Without a question of a doubt I have to go back to the motherland," the US boxing promoter told the BBC.

It's not like Africa has enough problems. First the European plunders the continent and now it's the Chinese and Don King.

The fight should take place in Congo again. You know how they do in the DRC.

It's rumored that Sudan, Zimbabwe and Eritrea are interested in hosting the fight that no one will watch. People might show up if they hear two heavyweight tomato cans are fighting but they'll be disappointed when they find out there aren't any tomatoes.

That's right. I went there.

Put A Tent Around That Circus

The Baltimore Orioles are an unmitigated disaster. I've come to the conclusion that Peter Angelos must have a stunt double. That must be it. What other reason could there be for the difference between pre-1997 Angelos and post-1997 Angelos? Maybe he used the same agency as Russia. I'm still convinced Boris Yeltsin died in the 1990s.

The Orioles fired pitching coach Leo Mazzone on Friday. The team did have the second highest ERA in the majors the past two seasons however the pitching staff was decimated with injuries and the front office did nothing to help. Instead, it brought in overpriced middle relief and it still hasn't addressed the lack of depth in the minors.

"I spoke with Leo today and told him I appreciated his efforts here," Orioles manager Dave Trembley said. "Moving forward, I felt that we would be better served with someone else working with our young staff and that it was in his best interests and our best interests to give him an opportunity to look elsewhere now."

Yeah that's it. Mazzone was the problem. It was said that "his rough, direct demeanor did not mesh with young pitchers and that he had trouble communicating with many of his players".

Ramon Hernandez: "You look at all the guys on the staff that got hurt. He had a lot of young guys come up, almost every week we had a guy called up, and you don't know what you are getting."

Jamie Walker: "What happened with all the injuries is the minor league
system got exposed. It's not deep. If that comment ruffles feathers, I don't care. There is no way you have nine straight losing seasons and you don't have a system built up ... When you don't have the kind of players you need to play the game, there's always a scapegoat. Again, here's another scapegoat. That's the way I feel about it."

He helped Eric Bedard become a great pitcher and Jeremy Guthrie has the makings of another quality starter. Daniel Cabrera is a headcase who probably needs a change of scenery. The middle relief is pretty much useless and closer Chris Ray was injured most of the season.

Mazzone's departure was probably an inevitability once Sam Perlazzo was fired. However it still does nothing to address the deep-rooted problems in the organization that start at the top. Angelos' interference in personnel decisions has been well documented and until he leaves, nothing will change. Hopefully Andy MacPhail is a sign of change but Baltimore won't hold its breath. We're blue in the face.

I don't even know why I bother anymore. Supporting the Orioles is like continuing to go back to the same hooker that gave you gonorrhea. You keep getting burned but you keep your appointment out of habit.

He's Here, He's There, He's Put It In Her Hair

It looks like former Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho is getting the sack and he's not getting a sweet severance package. This time he could end up paying out the ass.

The Special One carried on a two year affair with 34 year old Elsa Sousa while managing in Portugal even though he's been married to his childhood sweetheart since 1989. She lived with him while he managed Porto and he even introduced her to players and agents as his wife.

“Mourinho conducted the relationship in front of everyone’s noses. In
Leiria and in Porto, football colleagues all thought Elsa was his wife. He lived with her.”

“Elsa said he loved making love to soft rock music like Bryan Adams and
Sting.”

In January 2002 he moved to Porto having rejected Benfica — and Elsa went with him. Mourinho introduced her to all the football agents and players as his partner ... At first she stayed with Mourinho in the
five-star Hotel Tivoli — but football agents for the club allegedly wanted the pair to live somewhere more private and found them a home.

Mourinho also lavished Sousa with gifts, trips and hotel room romps.

Apparently Mourinho has left the family home after a showdown with his wife. As if that wasn't bad enough, Sousa has written a book about their affair. Good thing he got a fat payout from Uncle Roman because it looks like he'll need every cent of it.

If John Lennon Was Not Already Dead...

...I'm sure he would've shot himself after seeing this. The payoff starts at around 40 seconds and amazingly lasts throughout the next 4 minutes. Danger...just watching this might make you "turn gay".

You're Out At The Old Ballgame

Why bother putting anyone else up? The Republicans and MSM has already decided on the next president.

What's next? A chance to watch the NBA Eastern Conference semifinals with Michael Dukakis? A Cubs choke with the remains of Admiral Stockdale?

It's what the true Red Sox fan has always wanted. What's that, you ask? Watching a playoff game at Fenway with Senator Chris Dodd! There's nothing more any Boston fan could want more than to watch an ALCS game at Fenway with some politician yammering on about SCHIP or talking about thinking about withdrawing the troops but not really.

The Chris Dodd campaign is offering some "lucky" donor the chance to win a trip to Boston to watch game six of the ALCS with the senator. All you have to do to enter is donate at least $20.04. Someone might want to tell him the 2004 election is over and the 2008 campaign is underway.

So let's go to Fenway Park... I've got two extra seats -- great seats -- to Game Six of the American League Championship Series against the Cleveland Indians. And I believe they have your name on them.

Next Thursday at 5 P.M. Eastern, we're going to pick one entrant at random, live and online, to attend Game Six with me that Saturday. I'll put up the two tickets, $600 towards airfare for you and your guest, and a hotel room in Boston.

Here's how it works. You make a minimum contribution of $20.04 (in honor of the last time the Red Sox won the World Series, 2004) and you have as good a shot as anyone else to attend the game.

And whatever happens, your contribution will go towards our campaign, restoring the Constitution, and ending the war in Iraq.

Uh huh. Sure it will. He's not even sure about the tickets.

Senator, are you sure my contribution won't go towards paying off the debts of an unsuccessful presidential campaign or whores for Dodd and the good senator from Massachusetts? Actually I would prefer that or a night out on the town with Dodd and Ted Kennedy.

"Er ah who's up for Chappaquidick?"
"Can you spell it? Neither can I. Never happened!"


** While we're on the subject of Ted Kennedy and his, um, alleged indiscretions, I'd like to offer up another way he can make a difference to thousands.

Screech, the current Washington Nationals mascot, has to go. It's absurd and childish. The Nats should go for a political mascot. A bobblehead Ted Kennedy carrying a bottle of Jack and car keys. Game. Set. Match.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we gave you a roundup and frankly we don't care if you care. That's a lie. We want to love us like a fat kid loves cake.

Let's Be Havin' Ya

Norwich director and majority shareholder Delia Smith has decided to take a back seat in club affairs. She's handing control of the club over to Andrew and Sharon Turner.

Hopefully this means she'll have more time to hype up the club like Flavor Flav.



Don't change, babygirl.


Why Don't I Shit On My Hand And Slap Myself While I'm At It


Why even bother having an award ceremony or contest? Why don't American "soccer journalists" personally deliver the award to Landon Donovan's house and hand it to him as they blow him?

Landycakes won the Honda Soccer Player of the Year Award for the fourth time. Yeah you read that right unless you're Dexter Manley or Jason Kidd. He beat out Everton keeper Tim Howard and Fulham defender Carlos Bocanegra.

"I was a bit nervous driving in," Donovan said. "It's still exciting. It's human nature I think to be excited."

Go fuck yourself. You knew there was no contest.

Howard and Bocanegra put Landycakes to shame. They didn't bitch out of Europe and run back to the US with their tail between their legs. They fought their way into starting positions with their teams. Not only do they play in more competitive leagues, they're better players at their respective positions. Let's not even mention Brian McBride (Fulham), DaMarcus Beasley (Rangers) and Clint Dempsey (Fulham) among others including others in the MLS who bring it every night as opposed to showing up for the Gold Cup and knocking in a couple penalties.

This is a slap in the face to American soccer and another reason why the game struggles for legitimacy. Instead of celebrating the players who bust their asses and actually make meaningful contributions as well as show up EVERY day, the American soccer illuminati can't wait to bend over for Landycakes.

I can't wait until he wins it again next year and acts surprised.

"E. Honda, keep humming on my balls. I love that shit."


William Gallas Is Still A Bitch

So what's new? Nothing.


Expect Errors and System Crashes In Seattle


Former Microsoft exec and Portland Jail Blazers owner Paul Allen has signed on to the Seattle MLS expansion team bid.

The Seattle group includes Sounders owner Adrian Hanauer and movie-studio executive Joe Roth, but the inclusion of the world's 19th-richest man, according to Forbes Magazine, was confirmed by Allen's First and Goal and Vulcan Sports and Entertainment groups Friday.

Allen has been interested in soccer for a while and was rumored to have been interested in buying English Championship side Southampton.

Seattle is rumored to be in the lead for one of the two planned expansion teams but no announcements have been made yet.


Oh Lawdy, Somebody Help Us

It looks like Chelsea manager Avram Grant may be sticking around a little longer than expected. Fuck.

I've been saying that owner Roman Abramovich needs to speak to the fans and explain his long-term vision for the club. Fans, including myself, are still a bit jittery over the loss of the Special One. It turns out he has been speaking to fans on the DL.

Haaretz reports that Abramovich sought out Chelsea supporters after Chelsea's Champions League win in Valencia last week. He sent lackey Eugene Tenenbaum to round up fans and bring them to a bar to have drinks with the owner.

The small group of supporters were told it was time for Mourinho to go because the arrogant Portuguese manager had started to believe he was bigger than the club. And Abramovich told them they must trust Grant.

"I love Jose and will always love him because of what he did for Chelsea - but nobody is bigger than the club," Abramovich reportedly told the fans. "I understand that you are upset he has gone but things had not been right for some while and the time was right for a change.

"I want you to trust me that Avram is the right man and he is a permanent appointment. There will be more additions to the coaching squad but Avram is here to stay."

While the fans lucky enough to drink for free were happy to hang with Roman, none of them were convinced about the longevity of Grant.

"I don't know if any of us were convinced that Avram Grant is going to be anything other than a stop-gap manager, but I think we left the hotel thinking that at least Roman cares what we think and is still totally committed to the club. "He speaks better English than he lets on and I don't understand why he doesn't front up in the media."

I knew he could speak the English. Shady Russian oligarchs.

While the media and other football supporters may have doubted Roman's love for the game and dedication to Chelsea, most Chelsea fans know he isn't going anywhere unless polonium has something to say about it. The only question is whether he's going to run the club into the ground or rebound with a long-term plan for success.

Let's not even mention the addition of an Israeli marine who's also a krav maga and demolition expert as fitness instructor. Let Robbie Savage or Paul Dickov start some shit now. It's on like Donkey Kong.

A Message From Sir Charles

You don't want to take gambling or golf advice from Sir Charles but heed his words, Allan Houston. Isiah wants you so you know it's not the move.

Then again how many people have the opportunity to play with Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph and NBA great Rolando Blackmon? Do it.

You, My Dear, Are A Bad Role Model

Its tough being a cheerleading coach with debts. I mean ya don't have a whole lot to fall back on to pay back the ones you owe without resorting to drastic measures.

You dont have to tell Anna Lois Miles of Hagerstown, MD this. Miles is being charged with running illegal unlicensed bingo and tip-jar gambling event to repay a parent who had dropped $2,000 to bail her out of jail for failing to make court-ordered restitution to some victims of $24,000 worth of bad checks. Shame really, she is kinda cute in a white trash sorta way.

The proceeds of the event she organized were supposed to benefit the Hagerstown Heat All-Stars cheerleading club which she coaches...but instead were handed right to the lady who bailed her out of jail. Pretty resourceful if you ask me.

Its tough being a role model these days, i mean, like there's no benefit to teaching these girls how to run a minor criminal enterprise? Shouldn't she get some credit for that? I think the judge needs to consider it before he lays the smack down on her.

From WTOP

Picture of Anna Miles from this creepy page

What is in a Name?

The NFL is a man's game. To play it you need to be tough, and it doesn't hurt to have a tough-ass name to go with it. The Deuce has compiled a list of some of the toughest names out there, organized by type of innate toughness in the name.

The Rocks -
Call your kid rocky or some derivation of the name and he stands a good chance to be in the NFL and tough as hell

Roc Alexander - hou cb (IR knee)
Rocky Bernard - sea dt
Rocky Boiman - ind lb
Rock Cartwright - was rb
Rocky Mcintosh - was lb

The Baileys -

Both the Bailey boys have great tough-guy football names. One is a champion, the other is your fucking boss! Sit on it!

Boss Bailey - det lb
Champ Bailey - den cb

The Weapons of Mass Destruction -
These guys are so tough their names are fucking weapons. Can you get tougher than that?

H. B. Blades - was lb
Melvin Bullitt - ind s
Anthony Cannon - det lb
John Browning - den DT (cut)
Corey Mace - buf de (prac sqd.)
Marcus Spears - dal de
Takeo Spikes - phi lb

The Slice and Dice Guys -
These tough-men prefer to let the blade do their work, and their name shows their prowess with the knife's edge.

Jay Cutler - den qb
DJ Hackett - sea wr

The Serial Killers -
These men are so tough, their names tell you what they are going to do. They will gore you, thump you, battle you, burn you, savage you, kill you and slaughter you. They warn you before you even step on the field with them.

Arnaz Battle - sf wr
Thump Belton - det rb (cut)
Curry Burns - no s (cut)
Frank Gore - sf rb
Cedric Killings - hou dt (ir)
Josh Savage - no de (prac sqd)
Chad Slaughter - oak t (cut)

The Sexual Predators -
Stay away from these tough-guy sexual deviants...

Jermon Bushrod - no T
Madison Hedgecock - nyg rb

The Sexual Predator Police -
...or he might ask you questions on national television. This guy is just plain scary.

Chris Hanson - ne p

The Carpenters -
These tough guys will take their hammers and nail you to the ground, just ask them what their names are.

Na'il Diggs - car lb
Tom Nalen - den c

The All-Round Toughguys -
These guys names are just badass in their own, unclassifiable ways. How can you label a D'brickashaw?

Bam Childress - ne wr (prac. sqd.)
D'brickashaw Ferguson - nyj OT
Tuff Harris - mia cb - (prac. sqd.)
AJ Hawk - gb lb
Atlas Herrion - hou g (cut)
Turk McBride - kc dt

The Arctic Death -
These guys are so coldblooded their tough names will freeze you in fear.

Bobby Blizzard - cin te (cut)
Derek Frost - was p

The Tanks -
One of these guys had an arsenal in his own house...that is tough as shit.

Tank Johnson - dal dt (suspended)
Tank Williams - min s

The Video Gamers -
A man's man plays video games, and a mans man remembers the joys of the atari and playing with different colored blocks against other different colored blocks...a man's man also plays Madden.

Atari Bigbie - gb s
Patrick Chukwurah - tb lb - kinda sounds like the madden 98 tackle sound *CHUKWURAH*!

The Lynchers -
Their names pretty much speak for themselves. Lynching is a pretty fucking horrid way to die, just ask Saddam.

John Lynch - den s
Marshawn Lynch - buf rb

The Mans Men -
These guys are such manly, tough guy men, that they let you know they are manly in their own names.

Nick Mangold - nyj c
Logan Mankins - ne g

The Mass Murderers -

Hannibal Naives - sf lb:
Hannibal was the leader of some of the bloodiest battles on this planet and fictional serial killer.

Igor Olshansky - sd de:
Igor The Assassin former KGB agent believe to be the murderer of Alexander Litvinenko and who knows whom else.

This Is A Bad Idea

Never once have I been playing beer pong and thought "Gee, this is fun, but it would be WAY better in a pool"! Well if you actually have had this thought your wishes have come true. The Portopong company has created an inflatable beer pong table for use in pools...or wherever you need a portable beer pong table.

Check out these guys playing it in a pool. Don't you want to be like them? They actually look pretty buoyant, their guts being swelled due to what can be assumed to be way too many games of beer pong. I dunno if I am happy they are in shallow water or if I wish they would drown. I'll go with the latter.

Link here to Portopong

Quit Your Jibber Jabber

Is there anything Mr. T can't do?

That's How The SWP Rolls

Shaun Wright-Phillips wants everybody get their porn on.

When we first heard that SWP (pictured with father Tom Cruise and stepmother Katie Holmes) invested in a porn channel, we thought Tom finally passed on some knowledge for life to his son. Then we took a look at the site.

SWP invested £20,000 in Babe Central (disappointing but still NSFW). He not only invested in the channel but he's also paying the talent. In fact, he's paying above market rates and forcing wages to rise. He's causing problems for the other channels and his neighbors.

“He’s been dropping in at Babe Central with his pals and ogling the girls.

"The flats above have been complaining about Wright-Phillips and his chums making so much noise while they’ve been watching the babes.

“The girls are writhing around in front of the cameras, talking to viewers, while Wright-Phillips and his pals drink champagne.”

Teammate Frank Lampard loves filming himself with the ladies so maybe SWP can get him on board. Ramming speed!

Car Soccer

Who doesn't want to do this?

Mom Shoots Baby

Its been a busy Sunday night/Monday for us guys here at the Deuce. We'll get to posting in a bit. A lot went down this weekend. In the meantime, watch this insane mother shoot a sub-machine gun at her baby. Seriously, she shoots at her baby. Watch and be horrified.

What The Blood Clot?

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has been all over the airwaves hawking his new book, "My Grandfather's Son". The Washington Post was present at his book release party at Armstrong Williams' house (paid for by the Department of Education) on Capitol Hill. Thomas was rubbing shoulders with dignitaries such as the Cheneys, NAACP President Julian Bond, Chief Justice John Roberts (shake it), Justice Anton Scalia and ... Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith? Wow. This is a stretch if Thomas is looking for some street cred. I can see it now. Smith hanging out drunk in the corner yelling at Ruth Bader Ginsburg as she cowers and looks for security. "I'm tellin' you Ruth! Isiah Thomas is innocent! A bitch is a bitch! Black or white! The Knicks are terrible HOWEVA Isiah knows what he got to do! Let the man do his thing!"

Thomas' interaction with Smith consisted of him grilling the Quite Frankly host with basketball trivia.

"Who was the Black Jesus?" Thomas asked.

Before Smith could answer, Thomas said, "Earl Monroe."

After Thomas grilled Smith on more old-school trivia, Smith finally said, "You're trying to show me that you know more about sports than I do."

Everyone knows more about sports than Stephen A. Smith.

Nice move keeping him off balance. They say the best defense is a good offense. That's why he's a Supreme Court Justice.

Famous Last Words?

"For me personally, I don't think we should show [Fiji] any respect. We've never lost against them and I don't think it's going to happen. We just have to force our game plan down on them and be ruthless. We've got to show no respect for them. They're going to have no respect for us, like all the island teams."

-- South Africa Center Jaque Fourie referring to the Springboks' upcoming Rugby World Cup match vs. Fiji

Ricardo Clark Has Lost His Damn Mind

The MLS has suspended Clark for nine games and fined him $10,000 for kicking Carlos Ruiz. Everyone knows the MLS doesn't pay its players besides Goldenballs and Landycakes. He might have to go on food stamps.

Sexual Innuendo Caption No. 48204: MLB Playoffs Edition

Sometimes its too easy.

"Indians Hammer Wang"

Courtesy of the New York Daily News

The Browns Have No Hope Now

Thats right, as if the 17 1/2 point spread that Vegas laid down against them wasn't enough of a harbinger that the Browns were going to lose to the Patriots this week, Browns offensive guard Eric Steinbach pretty much nailed their coffin shut a couple days ago. Steinbach was pretty dumb before this statement, he did once get arrested for "boating under the influence" but this is kind of a new level of dumb. He was interviewed the other day about the Browns upcoming game against the 4-0 New England Patriots and had this to say:

"They're beatable," Steinbach declared Wednesday. "That's why they have this league. It can be done."

Yes, while it is true that the Patriots can be beaten, it is not true that the Cleveland Browns can beat them this weekend. No way, no how. You don't even need to have some sort of in depth, statistical argument here. The Patriots are way, wayyyyyyyyyy better than the Browns. I am, however, looking forward to when my Washington Redskins take it to the Pats like they did last year. GO SKINS! Fuck the Patriots!

Its Friday Lets All Do Drugs!

Man, what a day for druggies huh? Shall we do a quick round-up?

1) Travis Henry reportedly has tested positive for marijuana. Seriously, is this a surprise? Sure he's the leading rusher in the league right now, but he has been traveling the Ricky Williams path to smokin' your way out of the league for awhile. It was only a matter of time that Mike Shanahan found a way to kick him aside for Selvin Young anyway (with his gaudy 9.2 ypc average)...now he has a reason.

2) Marion Jones admits to using steroids in letter to friends and family. She says she used the drug while she prepared for the 2000 Summer Games in Sydney and is now going to plead guilty New York to two counts of lying to federal agents about using the "cream" and the "clear". This is about the definition of anticlimax really, we all figured she did it, the evidence was kinda stacked against her. At least its out now and her medals will probably be stripped. Sucks to be a cheating drug user, huh?

3) Tim Couch suspended for drug use and he isn't even in the league! Ok...this came out Wednesday, but we didn't post about it. Look what drugs can do to you kids! DON'T BE TIM COUCH! DON'T DO DRUGS! Wait...drugs can give you millions of dollars and a smoking hot wife. DO DRUGS! DO THEM!!!!

4) Cubs lost again and are now down 2-0! Everyone in Chi-town was drinkin the magic kool-aide, thinking maybe, just maybe THIS COULD BE THE YEAR! I mean the Bosox did it, the Chisox did it, surely they could do it. Nope, that is wearing off. Your team sucks and always has. Instead of moping around, how about you do some drugs like the above people? I mean, it made them happy for awhile at least.

5) Just to make this list an even five (which doesn't exist but 5 is a good list ending point)...Lorena Ochoa is trying to become the first golfer in LPGA Tour history to surpass the $3 million mark in earnings in a single season. Ochoa is #1 on the LPGA money list with $2,966,454 and she is currently playing at the $1.1 million Longs Drugs Challenge. Drugs see? Get the connection? LONGS DRUGS!

The Touch Of Death

Somewhere Bud Selig is Smiling Big

Bud Selig must be smiling like a Cheshire cat right now. For the first time in MLB television history, 5 of the top 7 media markets have teams playing in the World Series.

With New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Philadelphia and Boston taking part along with Cleveland (the 14th largest U.S. market), Phoenix (16) and Denver (18), the outlook is bright for television networks.

With this in mind, no wonder ESPN has been so stingy with the TBS name dropping this past week. Sure we know they're pissed they didn't get the rights and couldn't get in on the all-star game, but they had no idea that they would be getting no slice of this possibly monumentally gigantic pie. That's gotta burn them twice as much.

"This postseason, with the teams involved we have, is an absolute dream for a network."
Turner Sports President David Levy told USA Today.

Damn right it is a dream...except for ESPN. The worst thing that can happen now for everyone not the WWL is that the Rockies play the Indians for the championship...and hell hasn't frozen over yet so I think they're pretty safe. Is it cold in here?

From Conde Nast Portfolio.com
Thanks to our friends at Awful Announcing for the hella good blogging

That's One Bitter Gimp

Just Kill Yourself Already

When life deals you a shitty hand, do you fold? Do you just lay it down and accept the cards you were passed? No fucking way...you sue the hell outta somebody and fuck if it actually hurts way more people than you. That must be the mindset of this quadraplegic guy who went to see his nephew's birthday party at a local basketball gym and left suing them for holding the party on the 2nd floor which he couldn't access without just being carried up.

(CBS13) RANCHO CORDOVA Amid tears and fond memories, Basketball Town in Rancho Cordova has officially closed after moving out last night.

The company says it can no longer operate because of the high cost of fighting a costly lawsuit brought against the court.

Owners say their financial troubles started when a man claiming to be disabled was at the court to attend his nephew's birthday party being held is an area on the second floor with extra seating. He was reportedly unable to access the area. The employees offered to take him up the stairs or bring the party downstairs. The party was eventually held downstairs at the pizza parlor, but the man decided to sue the court for damages.

The cost of fighting the lawsuit is $100,000.

The company hopes to continue its program at community centers and schools.

I guess it is tough to give a hand-out to someone who can't lift theirs but come on, this is not the way to make up for your many shortcomings. Think of the kids, man!!

From CBS13 - Sacramento

Real Coach of Genius

Our friends at Burly Sports have mashed this classic Bud Lite ad with OSU head coach Mike Gundy. I just really cant get enough of those real man of genius commercials. For some reason, every single one of them makes me happy in places I shall not talk about here. Wait...wait...does that make me gay? Crap...I should stick some gratuitous hot large breasted women pictures up just to re-enforce my masculinity. Ah fuck that.

Check out other burly sports videos here...there are some good ones.

Welcome Back

Well the names have all changed since you hung around
But those dreams have remained and they turned around
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya here where we need ya?

Welcome back Gus. Watch those walls at the Ed Jones Dome. They too tall.

To welcome Gus back, lets take a look at career of getting the shit knocked out of him as provided by Woodcabinet Films.

Pacman Says Don't Do What I Does

Making it rain leaves bouncers paralyzed and strippers with headaches. That's why Pacman Jones say don't make it rain, kids and that's one to grow on.

Tim Hardaway's in gayhab. Ron Mexico's taking anger management classes from PETA. Pacman Jones ... Pacman ... well he's not much on self-improvement. He's more about leading by example.

Pacman bought 1500 tickets for a TNA pay-per-view event in Duluth, GA. He intends to give the tickets away to Fulton County students as a reward for academic achievement and good behavior.

Pacman was an honor roll student himself so he knows all about academic achievement and pounding someone's head on the canvas or stage. See kids, if you study hard, you can do whatever you want and not go to jail. All you Baby-Pacs study hard and one day you too can beat the shit out of some stripper like the Pacman. Wooooo!!!!!

Dancing With The Hulk

This is a bit old but it's the first time we've seen it. We're still trying to find the one where Cristiano Ronaldo is dancing to this. Yeaah!

Don't Double Cross Ray Lewis

"Hey Trent Dilfer, you just won the Super Bowl! What are you going to do now?"
"I'm a stab that muthafucka..."
"What's that, Ray?"
"Nuthin', man. Good job on the MVP...bitch."

I'll be eternally grateful to Trent Dilfer for leading the Ravens to the Super Bowl but you don't take a man's MVP award like that. Especially a man who's good with butterfly knives and getaway vehicles.

One would think that would be enough to solidify one's position as QB but one would be wrong. Dilfer was bounced out of town in favor of Elvis Grbac. We all know how that went.

It's been six years and Dilfer's still a little pissed.

"I have absolutely zero desire to talk to Brian Billick ... "Those guys will go to their graves swearing to God that we would have won two, three Super Bowls if they would have kept me. I'm not going to say that; I have no idea. But I sure would have liked the chance to face the challenge. I would have loved that opportunity."

"[Billick] grossly misunderstood the talent of that football team, myself specifically."

At least he's not bitter.

Offensive genius Brian Billick responded,

"I have huge respect for Trent," Billick said. "I can understand why this is something that he doesn't want to let go. I don't know if there is anything that I'm ever going to be able to say or do to rectify it."

Replacing Dilfer with Grbac was wrong. Billick might as well have told Dilfer to shit on his hand and slap himself in the face. He finally got it right after subjecting Charm City to assclowns such as Stoney Case and Scott Mitchell and of course he had to mess it up. He doesn't deserve it but it looks like he's struck gold again with Kyle Boller. Oh wait...

Maybe Dilfer's pissed at the wrong person. I think Dilfer's ouster was really a Machiavellian master stroke by Ray Lewis who was pissed that he didn't get Super Bowl MVP. Yeah that's it.

The Day The Poetry Died

Good morning heartache
It's on me girl
To stop fightin and work this out
You know what I am saying
F'real

Ok, maybe we at the Deuce aren't very good at poetry but it's a good thing we have the Ol' Dirty Bastard (Osiris, Big Baby Jesus, Dirt McGirt) to cover our ass. We already lost one American hero and now we may lose another one. How much loss can one country or one starting five take?

The upcoming Wizards season was be thrown into turmoil when an irregularity was discovered during Etan Thomas' cardiac checkup. He's undergoing further tests and the condition has the potential to be career-threatening. Someone needs to bring Doug Collins in for questioning.

Let's not even discuss the fact that Etan's absence leaves the Wizards with SA(softass)/C Brendan Haywood. Just ask Agent Zero what he thinks about that. Who are we to question the black president? Oh lawdy, we in some trouble now.

Hopefully this won't affect Etan's poetry career. I just don't know what I'd do if I knew I'd never see Etan doing his thing at Busboys and Poets again. I'm going to be in the upcoming U.S. Poetry Slam Championship Regionals in Gary, IN this fall. I'm so doing it for Etan this time. There's no way I can lose. Where are my manpris and Air Jesus?

Picture courtesy of Wizznutzz.

You See What Happens When You Don't Protect The QB

This isn't as good as 100%'s Endurance but we just wanted to emphasize what lengths the Japanese are willing to go to get information out of someone.

Donovan McNabb must have felt like this girl when he was sacked 12 times. At least she had protection.

The Proper Way To Rehab

Wunderbar! While the rest of his Chelsea teammates including John Terry (suffering from a broken cheekbone and toe) head off to Valencia for their first Champions League match under Avram "Yes, Mr. Roman" Grant, Michael Ballack headed off to Munich to get his Oktoberfest on.

Don't get the gout in your bad foot, Herr Ballack.

Miami Is Babylon

Di Rasta dem say if ya want play da football and you respec' di ganja bush, play fa Denva. Di sensi and di runnin' game is strong! Jah know? That's how you denigrate a culture, blood clot.

Cam Cameron and Nick "Judas" Saban may not respect players like Ricky Williams but Safer Alternative for Enjoyable Education wants him to know there's a place where he's welcome but everyone won't remember his name. You know, short-term memory loss and all that ... uh, french toast please.

The group is leasing a billboard across from Invesco Field and placing the ad pictured above placed on it. They're not the only ones who think smoking the tweed is a safer alternative to harder drugs or alcohol. Mr. Pato Banton's down with the cause too.

Legalize it, Shanahan!

The Return Of Shaq-Fu

Shaq-Fu's back and the same as before. What's next? The return of the Fu-Schnickens?

Shaq's getting his ultimate fighting on like Donkey Kong. When asked how he was staying in shape, Shaq replied,

"I've been doing a lot of fighting, a lot of swimming, a lot of hunting and a lot of school work and a lot of reading."

"Every day. You have headgear and so on, it is basically like boxing with wrestling rules. I'm a fan of the sport. I started doing it and then some guys challenged me."

We imagine he's been reading his prenup. Shaq's divorce has to make him mad and a more lethal fighter. Hopefully Chuck Lidell isn't thinking about challenging him. He couldn't beat Gerry Cooney at this point.

An NBA Fight Club would be the shit. Hopefully Shaq will start challenging opponents to matches in the octagon like Apollo and Rocky at the end of Rocky III. We can see it now. Grudge matches left and right.

Stephen Jackson vs. Everybody

Etan Thomas vs. Brendan Haywood

Kobe vs. Shaq

Isiah vs. Anucha

The possibilities are endless.

Poor Poor Mr. Met

If anyone was watching Conan O'brien this week, he had "exclusive footage" of Mr. Met who was so despondent from the Mets failure to hold their 8 game lead that he was driven to attempt suicide. Attempt is the key word...Mr. Met couldn't even do that successfully. Luckily, the Philly Phanatic was there to finish him off for good. Hilarious, watch, laugh, cry, laugh again.

Cashley and Mariah Go Back Like Babies And Pacifiers

I always assumed that Mariah Carey had the same brain capacity and function as a goldfish. It looks like I was right and it runs in the family.

Mariah researched her family ancestry in an attempt to find a connection with Nat King Cole. I did the same thing the other week. I wanted to find a familial connection between my family and Kevin Duckworth. Instead I found that I was related to Oliver Miller and Grover.

Mariah had a similar result when she found out she was related to Chelsea right back Ashley "Cashley" Cole. Cashley ain't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree so they should have much to talk about should they ever meet.

A friend of Ashley's revealed he is thrilled to hear about the connection, and said: "Ashley is chuffed to bits to hear that they're related. He's always been a big fan of Mariah's, and grew up listening to jazz legends like Nat King Cole."

Now they can call each other and discuss stuff and things.

Don't think Mariah isn't giving up on Nat now.

"We are still looking into it to see if we're also related to Nat King Cole.

I'm such a huge fan of his. That would be wonderful, and would also explain so much."

What would that explain? Her S-Curl?

How'd They Get Up In Here

Great Macacas! Welcome to the new America! They're everywhere! It sure wasn't like this when Daddy was coachin' the Redskins. Back then everyone knew a proper quarterback was white. Rush warned me but I didn't listen. Daddy woulda flipped in his grave if he saw Doug Williams or Jason Campbell. Maybe that's fine for the Eagles but not for the Skins. My word! That Jew runnin' the team has done gone and messed everything up. Don't get me wrong. I do love me that Dexter Manley.

Run for the hills, NFL. Former Senator George Allen (R-VA) is blogging about football at his website GeorgeAllen.com. He's talkin' football, pickin' games and ramblin' about politics while droppin' football metaphors into every situation.

"I will not pick against the spread for the NFL games but I do pick close point spread games and upsets. I do pick against the points spread for college games that one can read in the Washington Times sports section."

"I'm not interested in running for the Senate because Mark Warner would beat my ass like a rented mule."

Maybe he didn't say that second quote but he does appear on the John "Riggin's" Show every Thursday.

It's nice to see he refers to the Moonies for all point spread info. Next week in the Washington Times: Tony Blankley picks the horses and Michael O'Hanlon tells us that things are getting better for the Chargers.

Has Judaism Jumped The Shark?

Now I know how Arnold felt on Diff'rent Strokes when he wanted to have his own bar mitzvah. I can't find that episode so here's a link to the Mr. Horton episode. Get that out of your head the rest of the day.

Do surfing and Judaism go together like ham and cheese on a sandwich? Is a Kabbalistic soul quest is like a Vision Quest? Meet Rabbi Nachum Shifren, the surfing Rabbi. He has the answer to all these questions and more.

Fuck Madonna. We gotta say Rabbi Shifren makes Judaism kick ass. Avram Grant wishes he repped the chosen people like the Rabbi.

We couldn't leave you without giving you the Fonz.



Thanks to Dr. Fred in Venice for the tip.

Karate Kid Redux

At risk of treading into Bill Simmons territory, if you didn't think Hollywood has officially run out of ideas, now it is a certainty...there is going to be a Karate Kid remake. The horror of this is not that it is just being redone, it is being directed by Will Smith and is going to star Smith's 9 year old son Jaden (who debuted in 2006's Pursuit of Happiness) as Daniel and Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi. Oh please Jebus save us all.

Knowing all this leaves the Deuce with one question, who is going to head up Kobra Kai and who is taking Billy Zabka's role? I am rooting for that kid from High School Musical, Zac Efron...just because I really wanna see his ass get kicked, even if it is just in the movies.

The only good news that comes of this is that we can now post this video and actually have some context for it.

From IGN

This Is What Happens When You Buy American

This is pretty old but it's the first time we've seen it.



Kenny's reaction after the jump must be what Marty Schottenheimer went through during every playoff run. Semi-conscious and asking if he made it and if everybody was pleased.

"No, Ernest fumbled."

I Want Your Television

So this is link whoredom to a whole new level, but dammit, I am in desperate need of a new television, and a HDTV at that. I'm stuck watching Monday Night Football on a 19 inch Phillips I bought 10 years ago. Things must change and here's my chance.

Some people who claim to be hot chicks with hot picks have this promotion on their blog where if we give them a shout out, we'll be entered into their contest for a 42 inch TV. I want this TV. I want it so much I might whore myself to them as much as humanly possible. Supposedly they do sports betting info, so this thing could be one gigantic scam but hey, like I said...I want a TV dammit. Clickthrough or something, win ole Chimpanzee Rage a TV...he'll thank you for it. Sellout? You bet I am!

Together At Last

Peanuts and gum. Ashford and Simpson. Paris Hilton and the herp. Chris Webber and souvlaki?

Webber will be getting familiar with all end products of the meatapotamus if Olympiacos of Greece has its way. The Greek team is offering Webber a two-year deal worth between $10-$12M. The deal would make him the highest paid player in Europe.

The Detroit Free Press implies that Webber is considering the deal. Soon he will know all the street meats and visit the street meat cart on high on Mt. Olympus. He'll also be able to hit up Club Parthenon. Shaq loved that spot.

Never Mind The Bollocks

Here are a few thoughts for the week. If you're thinking of dressing up in lingerie and having pictures taken of yourself, don't. If you're thinking of sending naked pictures of yourself to a teenager in hope of getting a shag, don't.

Oscar de la Hoya and Portsmouth/England striker David Nugent should set up a think tank. Nugent, 22, sent a picture of his sack to a 19 year old shop worker in hopes of getting her in the sack after she refused to return his calls. The mobile picture worked and they've been together ever since.

Oh that's right. It didn't work. She forwarded the picture to all her friends in Preston where he used to play.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw a picture of Nugent’s knob, I nearly collapsed laughing...There are a lot of Preston fans who are still cheesed off about him leaving — so this is payback. He must be nuts to send a picture like that to someone he’s just met."

"She didn’t really want to know but he kept texting her — then the full-frontal arrived on her mobile. She couldn’t believe it. She was horrified ... He’s not exactly massive in that department, so God only knows what he thought he was going to achieve."

Smooth, playboy. Real smooth.

Mark Cuban The Odds Are Against You

I watch a lot of crappy reality television shows, but I've never been a fan of the Dancing With The Stars series. How this is interesting television is more curious to me than why I can fart so much more potently after 10pm than at any other time of the day. Watching "celebrities" dance with professional dancers and then judging them on their (lack) of abilities never, to me, seemed like engaging television. Nevertheless, people are interested in this crap, and sports personalities looking to keep their names in the lights have latched on to this in a big way. Mark Cuban, Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Helio Castroneves are featured in this season's Dancing With The Stars and since I am a gambling man, I looked up what the odds were that any of these yahoos would actually win this thing like Emmitt did last season.

Bodog has Mark Cuban at 23-2 odds of winning, easily some of the worst odds of any contestant on the show. This pretty much makes sense because he is, after all, just one gigantic computer geek.

What surprised me was that Mayweather doesn't have the best odds of the three, at 6-1. You'd think he would have the best control over his feet and body what with all the dancing around you have to do in the boxing ring. I guess the bookies do not believe that shuffling around a ring translates onto a dance floor.

Helio is looking the strongest with 11-4 odds. I can only assume the oddsmakers have given him these odds due to either his Brazilian roots or because drivers have to move their feet quickly to push the clutch in to shift their automobiles. Amazingly they have Helio at better odds than such veterans of the stage as Wayne Newton and Marie Osmond. The bookies are laying down a bold statement with this. Either race car drivers have a heretofore unknown ability to really cut a rug...or oddsmakers are bigots. Shocking, I know.