If you want a grill as jacked up as our main man Jaws…follow these easy steps 1) Attempt a flip with the help of two of your friends who cannot support your weight; 2) Painfully fall on your face. Observe below in yet another Random Video of Horrific Violence.

Barry Bonds subscribes to the Cedric Benson School of Self-Motivation. Benson said, referring to Thomas Jones, that he’s “10 times the man and 10 times the player“. Bonds feels the same way when it comes to A-Rod.

“Is he as good as me? Hell, no,” Bonds told The Post when asked if Rodriguez was the best player of this generation. “He’s better than me now because he’s younger than me. But, hell no.”

Bonds was later asked if Rodriguez ranks right behind him. “He ain’t even second,” he said. Bonds said that honor goes to his close friend, Ken Griffey Jr., “but he got hurt.”

We’re surprised that Bonds didn’t put the Brown Hornet and Bookman from Good Times above A-Rod as well. They always came through in the clutch.

One New York Mets fan couldn’t take losing to the Washington Nationals on the tail end of the doubleheader…so he took a barbell and beat his mom to death.

25 year old Michael Anthony of Queens started beating the walls of his bedroom furiously when the Nationals took the lead in the previously tied game, his father came in to calm him down and got punched in his face and thrown to the ground for his efforts. His mother then attempted to calm her son down and subsequently got stabbed in the head with a knife, chased into her bedroom, then beat down several times with a 20lb barbell until she died.

There was no picture of this waste of DNA to be found on the web, but one can assume he looks something like this douche-bag above…or anyone you might find on NJ Guido.com. Packers fans are pissed that one of theirs hadn’t thought of doing this yet.

From Reuters

Little does Lil’ Brady know that he’s about to meet the Care Bear Rape Stand.

Pay attention, people of Chicago. Put down the brats and Old Style. Someone needs your help and it’s not Eddy Curry or Antoine Walker. It’s Cedric Benson. If you see him walking down the street and he starts to cry, don’t walk on by. He could use a little love right now.

Benson opened up to the Chicago Sun-Times about last season’s feud with Thomas Jones and his lack of trust for his teammates. Let’s break it down.

”I don’t want to start a big mess,” Benson said. ”But I don’t mind real talk because these are things I really feel but don’t say much about.”
I know I should shut up but I’m too stupid to listen to me. Alright brain, you don’t like me and I don’t like you but let’s just do this interview and I can get back to killing you with beer.

“If there was somebody I didn’t really trust and they wanted to go out to dinner or something, I would still go. I would still try to get acquainted with them or try to be friends or be more trustworthy of them.”
You should come to me and make nice. I don’t trust you but please don’t let opposing defenses chop block me.

Benson said coming to the Bears as the fourth overall selection in the 2004 draft wasn’t so much hard for him as it was hard for some teammates. ”I guess they didn’t like [my contract] and they were probably good buddies with Thomas. I had to deal with that, too, and that is something people don’t really know.”
Yeah it was jealousy. I’m sure it wasn’t the fact you held out for over a month and talked shit instead of coming in, shutting up and doing your job.

Benson also bitched and moaned about taking extra shots in practice.

”I was the only one who came out of camp with a separated shoulder. I mean, we’re talking a separated shoulder, not a bruise. Take what you want from that. I don’t think it’s hard to figure out.”

Too bad his own coaches didn’t back him up.

”Having Thomas last year, he was established; you knew he was going to be there,” [Running backs coach Tim] Spencer said. ”Ced was trying to take his job, so he was trying to step up his play. He was running harder. He was trying to do some things, to be physical and show everybody he can be that guy, and he probably took a few too many shots. I don’t think anybody took any cheap shots at him; that’s not our guys.

”It was tough. Thomas was a true pro. He was going to do everything right, and unless you’re going to do everything right, too, and do it a lot better, it’s going to be tough [to take the job] from a guy like that.”

In other words, Benson had no chance of taking Thomas’ job even when it was given to him.

“The way my attitude is or the way my guard is set up is based on how I have been treated. It’s not like I was like this always. I was never all that open and outgoing, but these things have made me stay to myself even more.”

Ced should have no problem fitting in this season. He’ll kick it with Bears running back emeritus Rashaan Salaam at the Wild Hare while making new friends every week. Friends with linebackers and defensive ends rolling through the offensive line easier than a trust fund douchebag into someone rhyming with Haris Pilton’s ass. Don’t be surprised if Brian Urlacher separates his other shoulder. Any idea which Bear punches him this season? Our money’s on the Cumslinger. So fast he can pull off the donkey punch with no hands.

Looks like everyone in LA isn’t excited about David Beckham joining the MLS and the Galaxy.

Primadonovan wants back to Europe but he also wants back on his own terms.

“The older I get and the more I play, the more I’m yearning for that highest level I can play at and I think the Premiership would be the best place the play,” he told Sky Sports News.

“If I were to go obviously the language isn’t an issue. There are a lot of Americans there. It would be the easiest place the settle, Germany was difficult.

Wah! Donovan had his chance to play at the highest levels and ran back with his tail between his legs when things got hard. He bitched about playing time even though he was dreadful when he played especially during Champions League. Premiership teams are really on the lookout for players with no heart or commitment.

These days, the number of Americans playing abroad are increasing by the the week and they’re not all going to English-speaking countries. Many are in Germany and Scandinavia as well as other non-English speaking countries. “Phenom” Freddy Adu is about to head off to Benfica in Portugal. Others have fought their way to the top like Jay Demerit who was playing non-league football before working his way up to a starting position with Watford.

If the under-20 World Cup is anything to go by, American soccer definitely has a bright future ahead of it. The players are young, hungry and willing to do what it takes to be the best they can be. Donovan should just gaze with jealousy at Goldenballs and work on putting his crosses into the net (if he ever plays). Leave Europe to the players like Brian McBride, Brad Friedel, Tony Sanneh, Kasey Keller, etc.

Charles Oakley was interviewed by The Star recently and, as he is apt to do, Oak dropped a few interesting nuggets. Never at a shortage of words, Oakley waxed about his career, the FBI NBA gambling probe, and books. Here’s the highlights from the article with my thoughts in italics:

On his life currently:
“I’m doing the rock star life right now…Travelling, chilling, hangin’ out.”
Not a bad way to live life man…oh to have the life of an ex NBA player for just one day…ok maybe a week…maybe a month.

On a possible comeback:
“I’m not coming back cheap.” “If you read this article and you think you can get me cheap, there’s another thought coming.”
Who wouldn’t want to pay top dollar for a 43 year old bruiser who hasn’t played in 3 years? ERNIE GRUNFELD GET ON THE PHONE QUICK! I think the old man should just stick to washing cars

On Ton Donaghy:
“If the guy was fixing games, he was wrong. If players are getting money to win games, lose games, they’re wrong.”
Way to take a bold stance on this one Oak.

On Coaching in the NBA:
“There’s a lot of less talent for smarts in the game, but a lot of talent for athletic ability.”
Wha??

On his upcoming book:
“I’m not pulling any punches, true stories. It ain’t one of those Charles Barkley fake books, it’s a Charles Oakley book, it’s not an O.J. book, it’s an Oakley book.”
This sounds more like a Jose Canseco book to me and I will of course be reading it. Let me stick it on my Amazon shopping cart right now!

Good article, a little odd in that it says that Oakley is 6’3 when he’s clearly 6’9, but it does provide a great chance to show off some of the better Oakley quotables from the past:

“If it ain’t broke, don’t break it.”
“[Entourages] are like contracts. Everybody’s got one. Some are just bigger than others.”
“It was like the police trying to stop a shootout: You gotta have your gun out. Don’t go out there with your hands down.”
“Nowadays, these young guys, anytime you say something, you’re picking on them. Back in the day, half of these guys wouldn’t get in the league…The league is just like daycare.”
“Oh well, that’s basketball. It used to be basketball. I don’t know what it is now.”

From The Star

The weekend’s gonna be YouTube heavy so just deal with it.

Check this video from Presspass featuring the fashion stylings of Clinton Portis, Santana Moss and Willis McGahee. Spanky Janky’s style puts everyone else to shame.

Note “stylist” Sadia Morrison assisting Portis. It’s not our job at the Deuce to be fashion gurus but what the hell is up with that hair? It looks like she found an old lion mane in a dumpster behind the Bronx Zoo and decided to rock it after giving it a perm. No snaps up for her.

It gets better. It turns out Morrison’s a certifiable disaster like Al-Anbar. Apparently, she doesn’t like it when people make it rain with other people’s money.

Morrison was rolling with Pacman Jones on the infamous “Make It Rain” night of February 19 in Vegas.

Police [recommended] that … [25]-year-old Sadia Morrison, face similar charges in connection with the fight … Morrison, a New York resident, should be charged with one felony count of coercion in addition to the felony battery with a deadly weapon charge she was already facing, police said. Police booked Morrison into the Clark County jail on the day of the shooting for the felony battery charge.

Spanky better kick her out of his house right quick before she sees where he keeps the Eastern Motors chains.

If she tells you to wear Nadal-style mapris and Air Jesus sandals, you better do it. If you don’t take her fashion advice, you might get dealt with Remy Ma style.

Update: It looks like the Bog and Fanhouse already did posts on this video and the connection between Morrison and Pacman in June.

Woof woof muthafuckas. It was nice knowing you, Ookie. Michael Vick’s co-defendant Tony Taylor decided to flip and accept a plea offer from prosecutors. Of course, this means he has agreed to spill everything he knows about the dog-fighting operation which will include Vick’s involvement.

Prosecutors claim Taylor, 34, found the Surry County property purchased by Vick and used it as the site of “Bad Newz Kennels,” a dogfighting enterprise. The Hampton man also allegedly helped purchase pit bulls and killed at least two dogs that fared poorly in test fights.

Ron better hope that his herp-herp keeps his fellow prisoners off that ass. Hope he’s still working out cause he’s going to need those evasive skills if he drops the soap.

Apparently Boston Celtics guard Allen Ray didn’t have game. We assume the Celtics released Ray to make way for guard Ray Allen. Ray’s father Jake was unavailable for comment as he was being returned to prison to finish his prison sentence.

Fuck Allen Ray’s game if it ain’t sayin’ nuthin’.

Who knew there was a weight limit on these things…Christ this had to hurt.