So we’ll try to make this soccer roundup a regular Wednesday feature. Don’t think that means we’re a thing … cause we’re not. Let’s just see where this goes. Don’t look at me like that. Come on girl. You know we can’t get much better.

Let Me Be The First To Welcome Our New Masters

The pace of foreigner buying Premiership teams has picked up considerably in the past months. Ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra is still sniffing around Manchester City like a dog going for the ball check. Arsenal is holding off American Stan Kroenke with the Heisman like an ugly girl at the club. Hong Kong businessman Carson Yeung has had less drama and has managed to purchase 29.9% of Birmingham City’s shares from several directors such as sex shop and porn kings David Sullivan and the Gold Brothers.

A complete takeover isn’t a guarantee but it could still happen. One has to think 29.9% of all shares entitles Yeung to whatever sex toys and porno mags he finds at St. Andrews. This sets up the awesome possibility of Yeung beating Mikael Forssell senseless with a 12-inch black dildo a la Hatchet Harry when he comes off injured for the 436th time.

There’s A Joke In Here Somewhere

Poland and Ukraine are hosting the 2012 Euro tournament. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. One of the problems is that the current stadiums and roads are in poor condition. To top that off, many construction workers have emigrated to western Europe for better paying jobs. Problem? No problem, my best sincerity friend!

Ain’t nobody talkin’ when I’m talkin’ so shut the fuck up. Poland is considering using prisoners to build the necessary stadiums and roads.

Pawel Nasilowski, deputy head of Poland’s prison service, said it could form part of a European Union-funded programme to rehabilitate prisoners.

Sometimes the jokes write themselves. That’s all I’m saying. I’m off to Poland in August and the last thing I need is bad karma (mmmm chicken korma) or a posse comitatus released on my ass. Oh we’re big in Poland. We’re also huge in Niger, Bhutan and Pitcairn Island (mmmm incest).

There’s Only One God Called Xenu

Don’t be surprised if you start finding Dianetics on your seat at your next LA Galaxy game. The New Zealand Herald reports that David Beckham’s prime homey Tom Cruise is considering an $80M takeover of the Galaxy.

The article is “surprisingly” short on details but it does raise the possibility of halftime rants about the dangers of anti-psychotic drugs given by Cruise and John Travolta. Perhaps our mini-demigod can help Landycakes get over his fear of European soccer.

It is old but new to me. Denny “Blazin” Hazen loves sports and rap…wait…it is difficult to stop laughing long enough to type up anything to go along with this. Let me collect myself…ok. This dude is a self proclaimed “average” white guy who likes sports and rapping, can lay the ball up in a hoop, swing a baseball bat at an imaginary ball and rap as if he were living in 1986, complete with backing Casio keyboard drums. Sure, it is old, but I honestly don’t know how my life was complete without having seen this, its like an Oprah motivational speech telling me “You, at the very least, are better than him.”

GODDAMMIT THAT IS PAIN!

I cannot email everyone that made the past 24 hours the biggest day in the Deuce of Davenport history so far, but I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all those that loved the cereal box story as much as I did. So many people linked or checked out the story it’d take a huge endeavor to link everyone back that loved the story, but I just wanted everyone to know that Trapper, Mustafa and I appreciate all of you reading our madness and hope you check us out out again and keep the comments going. If you wish to contribute more weirdness to the Deuce, we’re always available at mailATdeuceofdavenportDOTcom. Thank you all again so much.

So yesterday the great guys at 100% Injury Rate brought you the joys of Extreme Pogo and Extreme Unicycling. Today, we have found the bastard love child of the two non-sports…Extreme Pogocycling.

I think we’ve entered a new dimension of SUCK…and yet, I too like to move it move it at times.