I feel like we’ve been going a little knockout crazy here on the Deuce, but I also feel like this one is just begging to be posted. You see my dilemma. This might just be the standard for which knockouts must attain to be posted…just insane.

Ah the good old days of middle and high school lacrosse. I remember going to pick out equipment at Lax World in Kenilworth Plaza like it was yesterday. Trying on new helmets. Trying on gloves and putting them through the paces by holding a stick, trying a few moves and “gloving” the stock boy. I miss the good old days.

Players at Dublin Coffman High School in Dublin, OH are very familiar with the persuasive and quite effective gloving technique. Ex-assistant coaches Greg Simpson and Dustin Pentz were charged with rape for an incident during a team trip in 2006.

Simpson allegedly held a player down while Pentz “inserted his gloved fingers into the athlete’s rectum”.

According to the players’ statements, Greg Simpson told them that he had “invented” the glove and Pentz said that “he was a changed man after … he had been gloved.”

A lawsuit alleges that “Pentz, 26, and Greg Simpson, 28, participated in “glove” assaults as students at Dublin Scioto High School during the 1990s”.

… Both [former head coach] Brian and [former volunteer coach] Frank Simpson testified that they did not know about the reported assault until school officials told them three weeks later.

But an 18-year-old who was on the team told police that Brian Simpson referred to the incident hours after it is said to have occurred. He said Simpson warned him that the student who said he had been assaulted would get “the glove again” if he did not return to his hotel room at curfew.

A 17-year-old teammate said he heard Pentz tell Brian Simpson, “Hey, B, I got three fingers in him” immediately after the incident.

Brian Simpson was acquitted of witness intimidation earlier this year while his father Frank Simpson, a volunteer coach, was “found guilty of the same charge for pressuring the player to recant his sexual-assault claim during a meeting with the team”.

Oh it gets better.

And the day or evening after the incident, the players, including the one Pentz is accused of raping, broke into the coaches’ hotel room and threatened to “glove” Pentz, according to the witness statements.

“There was a posse of the players that showed up with face paint and a glove of their own,” Pentz’s attorney, Karl Schneider said. “That’s a bizarre response.”

According to the statements, the players opened the coaches’ hotel room with a key, but Greg Simpson blocked them from entering.

Did we mention that Greg Simpson is Brian Simpson’s brother? Now that’s one for all and all for one. Five personal fouls in one game means ejection. You gotta give one for each finger and the guilty conviction so they’re playing with fire.

If Marvin Lewis wants to put an end to the Bengals’ criminal ways, he might do himself a favor by dropping the claims of a c-o-n-spiracy and listening to the Simpsons.

*Pictured above: STX G-Force Glove. The choice of glovers worldwide.

**Congratulations to Johns Hopkins for beating Duke in the NCAA Men’s Lacrosse National Championship Game and maintaining Bawlmer’s honor as the capital of lacrosse.

The Champions League final may be last week’s news but one should never pass up an opportunity to mock Liverpool.

For those of you not in the know, AC Milan are the champions of Europe. Imagine the Bears putting “Miami Winners 2007, Chicago Bears Super Bowl Champions” on a bus.

The bus was probably stolen anyway.

Don’t get mad at us, Scouser. Blame Tubby Benitez for fielding a crap team. A team full of donkeys won’t beat AC Milan on any day. Switching Crouch out of the starting lineup fooled Ancelotti real good.

It’s never a good idea to go for the balls during a sporting event where hitting is encouraged and required.

Gold Coast center Brett Delaney found out the hard way after grabbing South Sidney’s Jaiman Lowe’s balls during a match last week. If you’re gonna pull a move like that, you better make sure you keep a man down. If you don’t, this could happen to you.

Of course, Delaney denied the ball massage.

“No way,” he said. In a tackle you don’t let go of someone when you grab them. I can’t remember if I did have him [by the testicles], but it wasn’t intentional.”

“It might have been in that region, but I don’t go out to try and rip blokes’ balls off. I just can’t really remember what happened, to be honest. I think I had him on the shorts, and then I got knocked out. It’s all a bit of a blur.”

“When I touched his balls, I was in ecstasy so you can imagine it’s very hard to stay focused or know what you’re doing.”

Ok, maybe he didn’t say that last part. The blur was from getting his arse handed to him in a sack by Lowe. Delaney said he was still suffering from headaches and the sweats. He also required 10 stitches to close a “gaping wound” above his lip. Good.

“It was one of those things. He probably thought something went on, but it was nothing intentional, I’ll tell you that – especially at that time of the game. We were under the pump a bit. It was just a normal tackle, mate.”

Ain’t nuthin’ normal about that tackle. Delaney was on that pump like a farmer on a milk cow. He’s lucky he didn’t get stomped but some men have honor unlike him and Bill Romanowski.

Say it ain’t so, Bron Bron. Who thought LeBron James would end up supporting Sudanese president al-Bashir and the evil Janjaweed?

James refused to sign an open letter to the Chinese government written by fellow Cav Ira Newble protesting China’s role in the Darfur genocide. Damon Jones didn’t sign it either because he said he didn’t have enough information about the matter but James refused to comment. Guess the Sudanese buy shoes too.

Check this pic of Ira. I haven’t had this feeling since I found out that Troy O’Leary is black and Khalil Green is white.

In keeping with our Memorial Day theme and general apathy towards writing this weekend, here’s a baby learning about Beat Street the hard way in Times Square.

Ramon!!

Chimp Rage and I spent a devastating Saturday honoring our nation’s heros at Local 138 on New York’s Lower East Side. It’s only fair that we allow you to celebrate Memorial Day with us. Salute and respect the red, white and blue like this female Tyson.

She hits like a fucking mule.

Speaking of getting knocked the fuck out, it looks like Johnny Drama should have taken up Chuck Liddell’s challenge.

I’ll take Miss Tyson over Chuck in the first round.

This man is more in shape than you. The real question is, how many chins are in this Korean video?

Christ…i need a vacation. Its memorial day weekend, time to take time off for a few days. There may be more posts by mustafa or trapper, but dont expect too much if anything.

Ahh morning in Athens before the Champions League final.

Milan might want to keep a 24 hour guard on that Champions League trophy or it might find its way to Liverpool.

Then again it’s already in the hands of a master thief.

That’s a long way to travel for a gyro, Liverpool.

2 creatures enter, 1 creature leaves!!!

Portis later said “I don’t know if he was fighting cobras and babies or not, but it’s his property, it’s his baby. If that’s what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business. I think there’s bigger issues in the world and in life than babies fighting cobras on your own property,” and then said, “Hunting is legal.”