Poor Jason Kapono. He probably thought he would living in the land of milk and honey after being All-PAC-10 all four years. At the end of a 10-12 year career, three NBA titles and two MVPs, his headband will be bronzed and put in the hall of fame next to Michael Jordan’s baseball jersey and Scottie Pippen’s plane…oh wait, that got repossesed.

Kapono angered the gods by beating Agent Zero in this year’s 3-point contest. He must have thought he’d hit all the parties afterwards with all the video hoes and make it rain with Pacman but apparently he used up all his luck on the court. Sports by Brooks noted Kapono moaning to the Chicago Tribune.

“No one invites me to any parties. Even [Alonzo Mourning]. He’s having a billiards thing in Vegas, and I never got anything. He doesn’t even know who I am, and I’m on his team.”

That’s what you get for losing the headband, donkey. He should consider himself lucky. Zo might need another kidney and I’m sure Pat Riley would have no problem putting him down Nip/Tuck style if he was a match regardless of his improved play.

Let the words of Homer Simpson be a lesson to Kapono, Darko and all other human victory cigars fighting the hopeless fight. “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.”

Aquí hay gato encerrado. You’re damn right I do. The PGA is holding their first event in Mexico this weekend. No major stars are expected to appear but the course does boast a unique feature called The Devil’s Mouth.

The “mouth” actually is the opening to an underground, cave-like passageway that comes out behind the second hole.

Known as a “cenote,” it’s the first of many natural delights found on El Camaleon, the Greg Norman-designed venue for this slice of PGA Tour history, the Mayakoba Golf Classic, which opens Thursday.

“It gives character right away,” Norman said. “It’s an opening statement: ‘Here it is!”‘

Norman’s opening statement ranks up there with JFK’s inaugural speech, MLK’s “I Have A Dream”, Rocky Balboa’s “If I Can Change, You Can Change” and Three 6 Mafia’s Oscar acceptance speech.

Me thinks this is a devious plot conjured up by the PGA with the help of coyotes to train and import more help to keep American fairways green. There’s no way they want Mexicans to take over the tour. Who knows how Fuzzy Zoeller will react when El Gordo wins the Masters. I assure you it won’t be bonito.

Now that Lennox Lewis wants to come back and finally take up that rematch against Vitali Klitschko, he’ll have to pick up that English accent again. Maybe he can take lessons from Madonna, Gwenyth Paltrow and whatever other ex-pat, wannabe douchebags live in London. “I don’t know what a chav is but it sounds so much more refined than anything America has”.

Klitschko was in Miami on February 4th where Lewis has a home. It’s rumored that the two met there. There have also been sightings of Lewis looking in better shape.

The Daily Mail notes that he might need the money to pay for his properties in Miami, Jamaica, London and America Jr. He’s not in Tyson or Pippen trouble but he could use the extra income. He entered the World Poker Championships but lost on the first day. That seems about right.

Funny how the British papers say Lewis defeated Klitschko as if he won outright. If you remember, the fight was stopped after a huge gash opened up on Klitschko’s eye. He was winning and probably would have won the fight if he had been allowed to continue. Lewis retired immediately and acted as though he won in convincing fashion and there was no one left to fight. Never mind being down on all the scorecards. He knew he’d get his ass handed to him in the rematch.

Lewis, who had slumped on to his stool at the end of the sixth like a sack of coal falling off the back of a truck, had just about enough strength to rise and celebrate his retention of the world heavyweight championship, but more than 15,000 fight fans knew how close Britain’s holder of the WBC and IBO titles had come to blowing his exalted place in boxing history.

He’d do well to listen to Sir Charles talking about Scottie Pippen.

“I don’t know what he’s thinking. It’s not a good idea…He retired cause he couldn’t play. He hasn’t gotten better in the past couple years. You don’t get better when you retire. You retire cause you can’t play anymore. You don’t get better sitting at home. You might feel better but you don’t get better.”

Hell he’s 1-2 against Hasim Rahman. How? 1-1 in the ring and 0-1 on the set.

UPDATE: Lennox says he’s not coming back. We see the bitch in you.

There are some like the Japanese and eastern Europeans who still take Michael Jackson seriously. Then there are those who take him literally like Australian rugby players.

Penrith Panthers star Craig Gower made national news in Australia after getting into a fight at a club earlier this month. At first glance, this doesn’t seem newsworthy. After all, it is Australia and that’s what they do when they aren’t wrestling crocodiles or oppressing Aborigines.

The man punched Gower when he tried to kiss him and bit his neck after cutting in between the man and a woman on the dance floor.

The club was called the Peppermint Lounge so it’s not clear why this guy was surprised when Gower made his play for the try. A witness said Gower was “really drunk and all over the place, making a dickhead of himself”.

The fight was the second altercation of the evening for Gower and his friends who were allowed to stay at the club after being warned for throwing punches.

This is the first time we’ve heard of Gower and we’re so sorry about that.

Gower…was expected to regain the club captaincy he lost last year after a wild drinking binge at a charity golf tournament on the Sunshine Coast [where] he was accused of groping the daughter of league legend Wayne Pearce.

It gets better. Gower used the charity event as part of his bachelor party. During the same weekend, he “held a butter knife to the throat of a Sydney radio personality, damaged a golf cart and walked naked around the Twin Waters Resort”.

In 2000, he was kicked off the national team for exposing himself to a tourist. Your move, Pacman.

We don’t know anything about the National Rugby League but if NRL players are anything like Gower, we need to start watching Australian rugby religiously.

In case you were wondering, Gower was made co-captain of the Panthers on Thursday after showing “leadership qualities” and “personal fortitude”. Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oy Oy Oy!

That was Robeast’s reaction when we told him that Canadian bacon is going to be declared kosher if Steve Nash gets his way.

Nash has expressed interest in forming a consortium to buy Tottenham Hotspur if current owners ENIC decide to sell.

If someone were to come in to buy Spurs, I would like to be involved and partner them…Obviously, it would have to make sense for all parties, but, as a fan, it appears to me that Spurs are quite profitable and Premiership football teams are obviously becoming a popular investment for businessmen from all over the world.

The Deuce fully supports the idea of Nash buying Spurs. It also got us thinking about what team Pacman Jones would buy if he decided to make it rain in soccer. It’s obvious that Pacman should buy Obilic of Yugoslavia then move to buy Craig Bellamy, Joey Barton, Lee Bowyer, and Kieron Dyer. Obilic used to be owned by Serbian paramilitary leader, Arkan. Franklin Foer, in his book How Football Explains the World: An Unlikely Theory of Globalization, claimed that Arkan

Threatened players on opposing teams if they scored against his team. This threat was underlined by the thousands of veterans from his army that filled their home ground, chanting threats, and on occasion pointing pistols at opposition players during matches. One player told the British football magazine Four-Four-Two that he was locked in a garage when his team played Obilić. The Union of European Football Associations prohibited Obilić from participation in Europe because of its connections.

His wife, Ceca is still president and oh yeah, can’t get a visa from the US, Canada and Australia. Obilic and Pacman are a match made in heaven.